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Old 06-10-2015, 10:51 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I too went through a "divorce" (we were never married but had two kids together) with a man that is a narcissist , antisocial and has Borderline Personality Disorder and and it was very frustrating. I was the one with the steady job, had health insurance for my kids, the house mortgage was in my name, all utilities were in my name because he had horrible credit - he was alcoholic and compulsive gambler. But when it came to mediating our custody/child support agreement for $450 for two kids (he didn't have a steady job at that time) , he actually turned to me and said, "you should be thanking me - I am being a nice guy here." What a joke! I want to yell, scream and just let him have it after all he put me through, but I didn't. I didn't say a word.
I did a lot of research regarding narcissists and divorce...Here is something I found that helped..."If you are divorcing a narcissist, you need to be prepared that your spouse will put on the greatest show of their lives -- divorce is the ultimate opportunity to showcase their role as the victim/martyr. At last, they get to prove to the world why you are a horrible, unworthy person and/or parent. The worst thing you can do, states divorce attorney Robert Farzad*, is to react emotionally to any of it.
"All of your emotions and what you feel are irrelevant. The minute you react to that person, you are already losing the battle," Farzad said. "Stop feeling and start thinking."
Divorce is their last ditch effort to try and control you...try to make themselves look like the better person...I was so happy to get it over with...just let your lawyer do his/her job...let him or her do the thinking for you...if he tries to talk to you, text you, email, just tell him to send it to your lawyer...so sorry you had to go through this..but it does get better...hoping it goes okay today
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Old 06-10-2015, 10:55 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadInTX View Post
he actually turned to me and said, "you should be thanking me - I am being a nice guy here."
I have found this thread so helpful as I gear up to do my own leaving. And SadInTX, this really resonated with me. It's one of my AH's favorite quacks...what a "nice guy" he is.
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Old 06-10-2015, 11:12 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I just had a converstation with my XAH this morning over child support, which he has not paid in 10 Months! I had told him he could waive it while he was looking for a job, 10 months ago! This morning I told him he is going to have to pay up regardless b/c I cannot afford for him to continue not paying.

He acted like I am the worst B in the world. This is the first time I have even addressed this in 10 months.

I did not react much b/c what's the point? I plan to call the state by next week if he has not coughed up some money by then. It's super fun.

Ugh....



Quote:
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I have found this thread so helpful as I gear up to do my own leaving. And SadInTX, this really resonated with me. It's one of my AH's favorite quacks...what a "nice guy" he is.
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Old 06-10-2015, 05:28 PM   #24 (permalink)
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a collaborative divorce

A collaborative divorce is not an option with an active alcoholic. The collaborative contract in our State requires that all parties be open honest and transparent, and if you "fall out of" the collaborative process, you have to start all over and you cannot use ANY of the information collected during collaboration.

Not sure what attorneys would agree to collaborate a case with addiction...none that I know of.

My heart goes out to you....divorce is not easy in the best of cases.
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Old 06-11-2015, 05:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I agree with Dandylion.
When dealing with this type of person you have remain cool calm & composed. It takes some training but it can be done.
Stick to your guns to what you want & let the lawyers do the talking.
If there are any personal attacks outside of lawyers ignore them & don't react for that is what the narcissist is looking for.
Do not give in.
You can do this.
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