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OT: Nervous - getting IVF results tomorrow

Old 05-27-2015, 08:38 PM
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OT: Nervous - getting IVF results tomorrow

I don't know if many of you remember me but I've been out of my alcoholic relationship for a few years now.....recently I decided to try to realize my dream of having a child by going through IVF (I was never able to before because I didn't want to have a kid with an alcoholic. I can't have kids the normal way...well because I'm not with someone and because I had a surgery for cancer in the female reproductive area that made it hard for me to conceive....so I decided to go for IVF. I've completed my first cycle and they were able to get 12 eggs (good for my age) and of those 10 were fertilized and 7 survived fertilization.

So now I'm waiting...I find out tomorrow how many of the 7 survived 5 days and then if any survive I have viable embryos! So I'm nervous and fingers crossed.

The next challenge is my cancer surgery made it so it's dangerous for me to carry the child so I either have to afford a surrogate (very expensive :-/) or attempt to carry myself and take the risk and have a c-section...it all makes me very nervous.

How does this relate to alanon recovery? I NEVER would have been able to do this if I stayed with my STBXAH.....or if I hadn't gone through learning about codependency and healing myself..even though I'm nervous this wont' work out I'm still living and going forward...hoping for the best. I would rather be in this situation any day than still be in a situation where I live with or am in a relationship with an alcoholic.

SR played a huge part in all that.

Please send positive thoughts my way.....


EDIT: Out of curiousity I was wondering if anyone else didn't have kids (even though they wanted to) because they were in a relationship with an alcoholic?
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Old 05-27-2015, 09:40 PM
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Good luck! Many positive thoughts your way.
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Old 05-28-2015, 07:40 AM
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Aeryn-

I could not get myself out of the relationship with my loved one, but I did have the ability to say no to kids (even though I had always wanted them). I don't regret that decision, but I do regret that I was not honest with myself or my partner at the time of the "why" I did not want kids.

I am leaning toward adoption. I have been working hard this last six months with a financial planner to make sure that this is something I can do (without kicking in my work a holic tendencies). I also have some decisions to make about where I live.

I am interested in how this journey goes for you.....
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Old 05-28-2015, 07:47 AM
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Your courage and strength is amazing! I hope it all goes well!

Being a mom is the most wonderful gift!
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Old 05-28-2015, 09:02 AM
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Good luck! I had cancer surgery, too, and can't have kids because of it. I never really had a strong desire to have kids even before, but I can still relate to the frustration and sadness to go through that and have it impact the ability to have kids. Rooting for you! <3
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Old 05-28-2015, 10:34 AM
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Sending light and love, Aeryn!
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Old 05-28-2015, 11:28 AM
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Good luck!

I got pregnant right after I found out my XAH was an alcoholic. Just the other day I ran across a letter I'd written him when he was in rehab, where I told him that I was going through with it whether or not he was around. I wanted another baby and I was prepared and willing to do it alone.

So I did. And I don't regret it. <3
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Old 05-28-2015, 12:01 PM
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You are so brave! How wonderful!

Keep us updated!!!!

XXX
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Old 05-28-2015, 12:05 PM
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Out of curiousity I was wondering if anyone else didn't have kids (even though they wanted to) because they were in a relationship with an alcoholic?
I didn't. At one time ABF wanted a kid. Thank GOD I said no at the time. I'm still with him, still no kids. Who knows, maybe a child would have helped my decision to leave a long time ago? Good luck!!!
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Old 05-28-2015, 05:20 PM
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Well pretty good news - 4 embryos survived and are now frozen! Now they still have a few genetic tests to undergo and to be safe I will probably do one more round to get more embryos but overall great news!

Now if they can just get me healthy enough to carry myself so I don't need a surrogate....there is a decent chance.

Thanks for all the support!
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Old 05-28-2015, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Aeryn-

I could not get myself out of the relationship with my loved one, but I did have the ability to say no to kids (even though I had always wanted them). I don't regret that decision, but I do regret that I was not honest with myself or my partner at the time of the "why" I did not want kids.

I am leaning toward adoption. I have been working hard this last six months with a financial planner to make sure that this is something I can do (without kicking in my work a holic tendencies). I also have some decisions to make about where I live.

I am interested in how this journey goes for you.....
I like what you said about regret...because I have some regrets too but I couldn't pinpoint why...the regret isn't that I didn't have a child with my STBXAH (that I still think was a good decision) the regret is more I didn't realize that should have been a deal breaker and I should have left earlier! Oh well...no time for shoulds just moving forward.

Do keep us up to date on how the adoption goes...you, firebolt and I aren't the only ones I bet that didn't have kids because of being with an A at the time....so I think it is relevant to the forum.
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Old 05-28-2015, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
I didn't. At one time ABF wanted a kid. Thank GOD I said no at the time.

Same situation here but mine was an AH....I don't regret telling him no.
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Old 05-28-2015, 07:16 PM
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That's great news, Aeryn! So happy for you!

I decided not to have kids with my AH because of alcoholism, actually once I finally decided and accepted that there is no way that I am going to have a baby with him, it was easy to walk out. And my husband can be quite abusive emotionally and verbally, so . . .

Definitely no regrets.

I am 35 now, not even thinking of another relationship, and there are so many things I have to do for myself. To be honest, I'm terrified of relationships.

Maybe one day, I meet a good guy, but it is not like I am going to cry if I do not.
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Old 05-28-2015, 07:23 PM
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Terrific! Any idea when you can have the implant?
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Old 05-28-2015, 07:47 PM
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Good luck Aeryn!!! I broke up with my last AXBF four years ago and haven't had anyone (aside from one brief fling) in my life since. I've always seen myself having kids, but had a string of relationships with addicts who I knew weren't right. Getting real with myself in the past few years about addiction and trying to find a better path has also helped me to finally decide to try with a donor. I've been trying for a little over a year, had a miscarriage last summer but still hoping it might happen for me, though at 41 I'm not sure. I worry sometimmes that I will regret not getting my sh*t together earlier, but then again, I have a career I love and being single/childless has allowed me to make the most of that, so I guess I'll be OK either way. BTW, I don't mean to make assumptions, don't know if you have a partner involved, but there is a great group called Single Mothers by Choice that has an online support group and opportunities to meet other women in your area. Sending you sticky thoughts!
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Old 05-28-2015, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
Good luck Aeryn!!! I broke up with my last AXBF four years ago and haven't had anyone (aside from one brief fling) in my life since. I've always seen myself having kids, but had a string of relationships with addicts who I knew weren't right. Getting real with myself in the past few years about addiction and trying to find a better path has also helped me to finally decide to try with a donor. I've been trying for a little over a year, had a miscarriage last summer but still hoping it might happen for me, though at 41 I'm not sure. I worry sometimmes that I will regret not getting my sh*t together earlier, but then again, I have a career I love and being single/childless has allowed me to make the most of that, so I guess I'll be OK either way. BTW, I don't mean to make assumptions, don't know if you have a partner involved, but there is a great group called Single Mothers by Choice that has an online support group and opportunities to meet other women in your area. Sending you sticky thoughts!
Definitely don't stop trying you are not too old at all! My doctor recently helped a 46 year old get pregnant. :-)

I'm using a known donor...so a friend gave me the sperm....however in my state I get full custody and he's just a donor and if I want I can give him visitation and when the kid turns 18 they can meet him...assuming this all works out.
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Old 05-28-2015, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Terrific! Any idea when you can have the implant?
Well the cancer left me with some issues I have to get fixed before the implant but hopefully within the next six months.

I will do another round of IVF to be safe (in case of any failed implants or other unforeseen issues)....I will donate any unused embryos to another woman (or couple) who is having trouble conceiving. These days there are so many options for us women - it's so cool!
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Old 05-29-2015, 06:59 AM
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Aeryn-

Congrats and what a great thread.

I have been feeling alone in the not ready for a relationship, but wanting to be part of a child's life. I think it is very relevant topic for the forums. I was 34 when it all hit the fan, and am going to be 39 later this year.

I have not been struggling with letting a lot of things unfold, but sometimes this topic is a hard one for me to not "push" more and try to manage and control.

I have to have a very minor procedure (eye surgery) in the next month. It is minor but expensive and I can feel myself building up excuses for why this hairbrained idea of adopting might not be a good one (because I can't handle finances....though I have an ER account that will more than pay for this procedure).

I obviously still have some stuff to figure out....but I know I am much farther along than I was.

Thanks for starting this.
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Old 06-01-2015, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Aeryn-

Congrats and what a great thread.

I have been feeling alone in the not ready for a relationship, but wanting to be part of a child's life. I think it is very relevant topic for the forums. I was 34 when it all hit the fan, and am going to be 39 later this year.

I have not been struggling with letting a lot of things unfold, but sometimes this topic is a hard one for me to not "push" more and try to manage and control.

I have to have a very minor procedure (eye surgery) in the next month. It is minor but expensive and I can feel myself building up excuses for why this hairbrained idea of adopting might not be a good one (because I can't handle finances....though I have an ER account that will more than pay for this procedure).

I obviously still have some stuff to figure out....but I know I am much farther along than I was.

Thanks for starting this.
Just some food for thought...I'm two years older than you and I wish more than anything I had done this two years ago....for me I do not care about the debt I'm incurring this is that important to me to be a mom...hopefully. I do think if you really really want it it's worth the risk...just my humble opinion.

I think adoption is a great idea if that's what you really really want....for me I just incurred the cost and am letting the chips fall where they may...I might be disappointed if for some reason I can't have this baby but I will never regret trying. :-)
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Old 06-01-2015, 09:18 PM
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Aeryn, just wanted to lend my IVF support. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant on the first IVF try…at 39! My daughter is now 10. The retrieval was the hard work, implant was absolutely a breeze. The one thing I loved about IVF was that I knew I was possibly pregnant from day one, so I was able to keep a really clean diet, no drugs, or alcohol, etc. My daughter was almost 10 lbs, and today she is tall and lean and healthy.

I went through it in NYC. I know the state is strict about how many they will let doctors implant which I guess makes sense with advanced age. I wish you all the luck in the world, it is truly a miracle!
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