Acceptance...
 

So I was having a good day. I went to college, made my homework (I'm finishing the semester, so this days I've been spending a lot of time at school) went to run and came back to take a shower and I'm now here.
At this time of the day I would usually be hanging out with exafb, so I get a little anxious, memories come back and I feel sad.

So, in order to get out of this feeling I wanted to share with you some of the things he did (bad ones).

1. He lied to me about many stuff: lied about having cut ties with his ex girlfriend (he didn't). Lied to me about his drinking (say he wasn't drinking but he was). Lied to me about his loyalty (OK, I don't know if he cheated on me or not, but I have the gut feeling that he did).
2. One time he got angry with me at college. He was supposed to take me home but instead, he left me there. He knew I didn't had my cellphone that day and he knew that he was supposed to take me home (my parents knew this too). So I had to find a way to go back home from college. And when I told him that a friend (male) took me there (btw; this friend has a girlfriend who I'm also friends with) he got angry at me. He claimed he wasn't jealous, but his face told me otherwise. Anyways, it was ridiculuos, since he was the one to left me there knowing I was supposed to go home that day.
3. He once, basically, kicked me out from his car because he wanted to have some space to think about a discussion we had (it was one about me not trusting him enough, and also, about me not communicating my worries to him... He got angry for this and kicked me out).
4. The day I decided to finish things with him (the first time we broke up) he said he wished that I'll go seek professional help cause I was seriously mentally ill and also said "get the **** out from my life*".
5. When I tried to explain why I finished things with him, he insulted me again. I can't even remember what he told me.
6. Right after this, he started pursuing a friend of mine and told everyone lies about me. He even slept with the ex he claimed to have cut ties with.
7. Instead of keep on growing and reflection of what happened with us, he lost his jobs and started drinking daily after I broke up with him. This was more of a self-harming situation, however, at the time, it really made me sad.


Man, do I need to write more? I guess, many of my threads in here are plagued of stuff he said and did...

And I still took him back, wich, well, I am responsible for it, even when I'm hurting now.
At this point, I just want to accept things for what they are.

You're processing. That takes time. I still get those twinges of memory, and it's been almost two years since I left my ex.
I think you're doing a lot of really smart things for your healing. This post was one of them.
Good luck with your schoolwork. I remember how hectic this time of year is with everything coming due and all the exams. Good luck with everything. Do you have any plans to relax and treat yourself after the semester ends?

Thank you, ladyscribbler. It's good to know that this is a normal reaction.

Well... I would like to go to a spa.
I guess it sounds silly, but I would like to do that. Since I've been very stressed and tired for the whole month, it would be nice to do something like that, even at home.

I plan on sleeping a lot, taking care of myself on general terms..., relaxing, seeing my friends (I haven't seen them for more than 4 weeks).

There is even a guy who wants to date me, but I'm not sure about that one. I don't feel ready, nor optimistic or even healthy to do that.

Good for you to write these things down. It will help. You can go back and read them whenever you are feeling sad or like you made a mistake leaving. Once you read all of the the things he did and remember all of the hurtful ways he treated you, it will help you see you made the right choice and decision. I hope you have a wonderful summer and enjoy every day!!! Don't give this jerk a second thought. He showed you he is. And look where he is now, jobless and drinking more. You dodged a bullet! You can't cure him. Take care of yourself!!!

I too see a lot of healing in your post.

It really does help to write things down to see them in black and white and SEE clearly the reality of the situation.

I shared my story at Al Anon last week and made pages of notes so I didn't miss any of the I important things I needed/ wanted to share. It brought up some very very painful things......and it was hard in many ways....but there was so much support and friendship holding me up in that room that through the tears, and a bit of laughter I really was able to move forward too.

And although it is painful for you/ us to see how it really is, we have to feel it, grieve and work through it in able to move forward with our lives so well done on you. It sounds like you are making great progress and as we say in Al Anon 'Progress not perfection'.

I also regularly get told/ raged at... ' you need some serious help for your mental illness'...... ' get some help'.......As night after nights he drinks himself into a near coma....... Sigh.

Al Anon and SR keep me sane.......and your spa day sounds fabulous!

Take care Phiz :grouphug:

Even when I wasn't the one to leave, it is good to read these things, because he has an habit of coming back.

Thanks a lot for your support searching peace! Hugs!

Thank you very much for this, Phiz.
Today I had an appointment with my therapist, and it really helped a lot to see things from her perspective.
SR has also been great in so many ways...

Hugs for you too.