Seedpod

I read today that “accepting your part in the breakup of a relationship will speed the healing from it.” I am finding this to be true. I wade into my part when I am feeling brave and wallow around, learning humble lessons as I am able. I find I am able to feel compassion for my EXAB again. Yes, being able to own my own stuff has accelerated my healing in important ways.

But sometimes it goes too far and self blame and its associated pain are then upon me with a vengeance. I start seeing the balance of “wrongness” tip deeply to my side. When I was in my angry-so-angry phase I would have told you he was far more in the wrong. Surely the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I cannot seem to find it. I feel righteously angry or I feel like Destructo the Relationship Annihilator.

How do you face those parts of yourself that you find ugly without letting it define you?

ladyscribbler

Working the 12 steps in Alanon was how I did it.

Hangnbyathread

Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no perfect partner to find. Nor are we perfect people ourselves. Nothing wrong with taking ownership on your terms. Doesn't mean you are the responsible party for a failure.

Am I perfect? No. But I don't feel so bad about any of of my shortcomings that I feel I want to substantially change me. I feel; WAY better being by myself, then having a drunk in my life. I will go back to enjoying good friendships where distance is present but closeness enjoyed.

Seedpod

Thank you

I have been attending Al Anon for a few months off and on, mostly on. I just got a sponsor and am at the beginning of the steps. I have been reading here for months as well and have learned from many people's sharing. But sometimes loss still hits me like a steamroller. I am having a hard time tonight, just trying to get some of it out.

noinsanity2423

It's true. No one is perfect. But there's definitely a scale where we can measure harmful behavior. I've thought the same things when thinking about my ex alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, verbally abusive fiancé. I know that I probably didn't hold boundaries early enough. I ignored the warning signs. I didn't encourage her to get help as much as I could have. I drank with her sometimes. But really, despite all my faults, what I did was nothing nearly as harmful as her cheating, verbally abusing me, choosing to do drugs instead of paying rent, and her putting my life in danger while drunk.

It's true that no one is perfect, including myself, but some things that people do are so harmful that it just makes a relationship with them impossible.

Mango blast

When I know better, I can do better. I've been ill also, in ways I couldn't see before.

Congrats on working on your recovery. What else has helped me is learning that many of the feelings I go through are temporary phases. Balance does come. More will be revealed.

Seren

Oh, it's a process....the pendulum swings one way, then the other, until it will finally rest somewhere close to the truth. Well, at least that's how it worked for me with my ex-husband at least.

FireSprite

I fix 'em!

I'm one of those weird people that loves the process of self-examination. I love finding out what it tells me about myself & I love the potential to become better. The hardest part in the beginning was recognizing my behaviors for what they really were vs. the way I'd gotten used to thinking of them. (i.e. minimizing, choosing convenient definitions, etc)

I've found that the most important thing to remember when I'm feeling down is: this feeling ALWAYS passes, eventually. Always. I collect info during those times but don't make decisions or changes or get stuck on any one train of thought. Seren is right on with the pendulum analogy. It is exactly like that at first; with huge, unbalanced swings this way, then that way, then this way again....

I have a mantra for these times, "This is WHERE I am, not WHO I am." I honor myself when I make internal changes that help me to like & love myself more.