amy55

So I am sitting home tonight. Domestic abuse going on across the street. Can't get involved. I tried once to talk to the wife. Don't really know who is the abusive one. I was told to go home and take care of my weeds. The yelling and screaming continues, so I shut my doors and put my AC on. The cops were down here last week, so I guess someone else is calling.

Went to my son's graduation. I really am so proud of him, and he did it on his own. Got a masters degree in bioinformatics. Still need to research and see what bioinformatics is all about.

I'm in Pa, graduation was in Md. For those not living in the states, it's about a 4 hour drive. I tried to get a hotel room within driving distance, but the closest I could get was about 1 1/2 hours away. Seem like everyone was graduating at the same time.

So, if anyone who has read anything by me, I went to my daughters house, (the one that tried to file a restraining order against) So I am there and we try to arrange for people to meet up for the ceremony.

I can't do the calling because many people do not speak to me.

OK, so this daughter calls my youngest daughter about us picking her up since she knows Baltimore and we don't. Youngest daughter does not answer phone, but replies in text. "I cannot be in the car with mom before 9 in the morning without booze."

My oldest daughter reads this text to me, and then complains about how rotten my youngest daughter has been treating her, and doesn't she know how much she did for her, and that she doesn't know Baltimore and she expected her to at least show her the respect by letting her pick her up so that she wouldn't get lost.

OK, so I console oldest daughter.

I can't sleep because I thought I was making some headway with youngest daughter. I thought we got along pretty well at xmas. Apparently not.

I did want to jump in my car and go back home and hide some more, but I didn't.

I went to that graduation. My son was so happy to see me there. I really am so proud of my son. He did all of this on his own. He also married a terrific person. I so love my daughter in law.

Going to apologize now, sorry for the length of this.

So after the graduation we were going out to eat. It was an expensive Brazilian steakhouse. I knew my ex was going to pay the bill, so I only got the salad bar.

When we left, originally I was walking and talking with the 4 people who talked to me. Then, since it was about a 6 block walk, people started to mix up. I was then walking with my son and my ex. Didn't want to be there, so I lagged back a little. Next group was my youngest daughter who I would say hates me and my daughter in law.

OK, wasn't going to be there either, so lagged back a little more. Last group, my oldest daughter, and my ex's girlfriend.

Felt more relaxed there. I started talking to the gf. I asked her how the new house was going. I actually wanted her to feel more at ease with me around, because I decided I was going to start going to things that I kept myself from going to.

She told me that they haven't had much time getting things together yet, since her sisters husband recently passed away. I told her that I heard about that and that I was sorry to hear that and condolenses to her and her sister.

When we got to where we were leaving because we go to our parking lots, many people were giving hugs. I guess it was a little bit of an awkward moment between me and gf. Only a nanosecond. She reached out and hugged me goodbye.

I know sometimes I fly in and out of here, sometimes I am irrational, just know that I listen to every word said here.

Thank you
amy

SparkleKitty

Amy, thank you for sharing this. I know I am not alone in wanting to walk beside you in your journey now and then, even if only for a brief interlude. Xoxo.

chicory

((Amy)) good for you! you did a wonderful thing for your son, and also set the stage for the future. Proud of you!

this is what its all about..life and loving.

sounds like it was worth the tough parts, dearie!
hugs
chic

amy55

I cry when I hear the heartfelt responses from people here. I'm not use to that. Thank you so much SparkleKitty.

amy

amy55

I need to say something. First, I'm still not normal yet. I still spiral down into the abyss. I try to push people away. I am not use to kindness. Thing is, that is all I have felt from this forum. So when I am at my lowest, I try to push kindness away. But still you are here. When I have no where else to put down my words, you are here. I don't deserve you, but I do thank you.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

SeriousKarma

Thanks SparkeKitty. I couldn't say it better then this.

Amy,
I think maybe this graduation was the beginning of an important change for you. I know it wasn't easy for you to go, but you went. You muscled through some difficult situations there and came out ok on the other side. It can only get easier. (((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))

SeriousKarma

Oh, also.....

Congratulations to your son!

And just incase anyone asks:

Bioinformatics is the application of computer technology to the management of biological information. Computers are used to gather, store, analyze and integrate biological and genetic information which can then be applied to gene-based drug discovery and development.

(Yes, I copied and pasted that!)

searching peace

Amy, you did amazing! I am so proud of your courage, integrity and strength. I know how difficult it must have been for you to stay with your oldest daughter. Good for you, swallowing your pride and doing that. I know that text from your youngest was a dagger in your heart and must have knocked you for a loop and seemed out of nowhere. You were there for your son and yourself. And that he was happy you were there and that you showed up for him in person and emotionally was such a very important step towards a healthy and full life for you and your children. Reading your post, I kept thinking that your exh gf probably bit her tongue not to say all she was thinking and probably all she wanted to ask you. I have no doubt that unfortunately she is probably experiencing the same or worse abuse as you did from your ex. I'm sure she was grateful to have your company on that walk to the car. Please don't let other people's issues get you down. It truly is their issues. You continue to hold strong and steady to who you are and they will all come around. And if they don't, it is their loss. I have three children and if at least one is not upset with me at any time during any given day then I know something is wrong. Just as you being a single mom, so am I as you know, and it is very hard because we have to be both mom and dad and the disciplinarian and do all of the hard work. So when they are frustrated with things I am also, as you are, the only one there for them to vent and take that frustration out on. Also, your kids know you will be there for them. They know they can treat you that way because you won't go anywhere. I think they are afraid of your ex and won't treat him that way out of fear. Just my opinion. It isn't right and I know it hurts you deeply, but you are doing such a great job in your healing. Don't let others perceptions of you change who you are. Be proud of yourself for going and for holding your head high. You did great!!!

HopefulElle

Hi Amy,

I'm kind of a lurker around here, but I just wanted to say that you seem really sweet and genuine. And most of the time, I don't feel normal either.

redatlanta

Kudos Amy! I think you handled this all so well.

I did want to say something about what your daughter texted. That sounds like something my sister and I would text to each other. For us it would have been used as levity to a situation that might be a little tense not so much about mom and dad. As I get older family dynamics get more difficult. Tryng to get my large immediate family together is stressful even though we all get along, there is always some problem, attitude, direction, rule or something else. Its no longer as easy as "Lets meet at mom's at noon". It's like coordinating a move of 15 people to Africa to have lunch. I doubt your younger daughter meant that to be read to you.

happybeingme

Amy- nice example of personal growth. Well done. Thank you for sharing

FireSprite

(((((((Hugs))))))) Amy, & Congrats on all the wonderful things you have to celebrate... not the least of which is the great progress you are making in your own recovery!!! I know how anxious you were just planning for this trip & it sounds like you handled it VERY well.

amy55

It's funny, I usually get panic attacks and just plain sick to my stomach when I have to go to things like this. I focused on one thing and one thing only. My son.

Did I tell you that he visited me for Mother's Day. Him and his wife. Some people might think it was rude that he called me Friday night before this, and came over on Saturday, and stayed till Sunday. Yes, I had a lot of cleaning to do, especially since I have 4 cats, and both he and his wife are allergic to cats, but he was nervous about this, and kept putting off calling me. Understandable.

He took me out for dinner on Saturday, helped me put my air conditioners in, and helped me carry a dresser upstairs. He then told me that he would like to visit more often, (he lives 3 hours away), and that I should think of things that he could help me do.

My youngest daughter, I actually give no weight to what she text. I think that she is in a tough position. She has been holding onto this since 2010. I left my ex 12/31/2008. We were still ok then, it was when my oldest daughter tried to file a restraining order against me, saying that I called CPS on her. I didn't. I don't know what things she was told then. I know she wants an apology, but I'm not really sure for what, and I don't want to apologize the wrong way. I might apologize for getting "crazy" before the divorce, and then hopefully she will come out and tell me what it is that she wants me to apologize for.

I do know she was told that I was trying to put the 3 of them in the middle of everything. She was also told I had bi-polar. She was also upset because I wasn't calling about oldest daughters medical condition. I couldn't do that at that time, since none of them were speaking to me, and I didn't know anything.

Oh yes, SeriousKarma, thank you for the definition of bioinformatics. I once bought a book, Bioinformatics for Dummies. His last job, he was a robotics specialist, and with his knowledge in bioinformatics and his terrific writing, (also honors english) he translated the data to the Bioinformatics Dept. Whatever that means !!!!!

My mom just got an IPad and I still have the outdated flip phone. Tried looking at a smartphone, is that what you call them, I'm not smart enough to use it.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

amy55

About the gf. I like her. Must admit I didn't at first. The only word that ran through my head at that time was "skank". I really do believe they were together while we were married. But, oh well. She won? or lost, depends on how you look at it.

She is very sweet, seems like a real codie. I have already seen or heard of abuse even though she might not recognize it yet.

If she ever needs to talk, or ask questions, I will answer, but not in a vicious way.

I am 99.99% sure my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. I really do hope that with age he lets up a little bit. I want the 2 of them to work out.

In the 6 1/2 years that I have been out, I never thought it would be possible, but I no longer feel real love or hate for him. I feel for him like I would feel for a total stranger.

I want ex and gf a healthy, happy life, but I do think that I wish it mostly for her.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Thanks for being here for me.