Liveitwell

Have been thinking a lot, and praying a lot, about a message my ex sent last week...sent me a message asking me why I wasn't responding to him and that he just wanted to be my husband. I know that is true. To me, none of this has been a game, but I can't respond to him bc anything I say invites more hurtful responses from him and falls on deaf ears. I know this...then why oh why do I feel like reaching out?!? After everything he's done! He's still actively drinking and has not apologized for one thing that he's done. What on earth am I thinking?!? Maybe I still have this crazy notion that something I do or say will help him see. I know that's not true. I've been praying a lot about this and keep having "call him" pop into my head. Seriously? Geez.

Liveitwell

From the beginning of our relationship when he's gotten drunk he's told me many times he wasn't good enough...and that I didn't love him. That I would be better off. For years i would scream-yes, I do love you. You! But I guess since drinking is Him, and he will not stop no matter what, then I see where he thought I didn't love him. Sheesh. Lots of old memories popping up today. There was a lot of good.

biminiblue

Have you tried specifically praying for the release from the obsession?

SparkleKitty

People who are not ready to love themselves as they deserve aren't always capable of believing that anyone else can love them either. I know that was true for me. Until he is ready to embark on that journey of self-acceptance, you are very right in believing that nothing you say can convince him.

Mango blast

What new action can you do today, for yourself, your daughters or a complete stranger?

Are you active in Alanon?

I hope you don't mind me posting a link to a recent thread. Not too long ago, when I was feeling a huge need to "be there" for my husband, I finally realized that maybe it was MUCH more important for me to get out of the way.

Big hugs for you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arn-right.html

Refiner

Pls don't open yourself up to major disappointment. Contacting him just invites that pain.

Liveitwell

Yes-I do pray to releas me from my bondage. And yes, I know only God can change him. It's tough bc as sparkle said, that was me for a long time too-I didn't believe I was worthy of him....I would lash out years and years ago I would lay out to take the focus off of me. I guess having compassion knowing what he's going through bc I have been there. But I did the work, the hard work of accepting me as me. I stopped drinking and a new world opened up. Keeping-you are exactly right. I do not wabt to get in the way of Gods plan for him, no matter what that is. Ill give him the dignity of making his own choices, and living with the consequences. Maybe then he will choose to act responsibly and hold himself accountable. No amount of love can do that. I know all this! Thank you all. HALT. Unless he's in recovery or actively pursuing recovery, there is literally nothing to say. True love, as the Bible states, holds others accountable. Got it. Thanks!!

Liveitwell

Keeping-thanks for the reminder. Seriously needed that.

redatlanta

Yesterday I was looking at the upcoming public auctions of homes for sale in my county (RAH and I are looking into possibly acquiring some) and see a house I recognize. Its one of my oldest friends that I had not seen in 4 years. Too much drama back then in both our lives.

I had no business doing it, but I drove by her house and she was sitting outside on the stoop smoking. I stopped and visited for about two hours. She told me about the impending foreclosure, and she has kinda just stuck her head in the sand. Its in 8 days, she has a 12 year old child. I couldn't help but notice that the house had deteriorated significantly. Yard a wreck. Paint peeling. Inside the house was disgusting, cat sh*t on the floors it smelled something terrible. Holes in the walls. I am looking at my lifelong friend she is missing two teeth toward the back I can see when she smiles. Crowns fell off. Her hair has roots 2 inches long. This is about an $800k home up for auction for $225 on June 2. This is not my friend AT ALL. She is neat as a pin and very vain about her looks, very financially responsible at least she was for 45 years.

She sounds like an A doesn't she? Or an addict. But she is not. Her lover/bf/father of her child is. He was there too he looked pretty good. He was all showered up walked over to her purse took out $20 for gas and was heading to meet his friends at the bar and "might go hit some balls". He hasn't paid her a dime of child support in two years, but the fridge is stocked with Bud. He doesn't work he never has. I see a broken window and she tells me she locked him out last friday so he crow barred the window open.

Truthfully, she does not see the insanity her life has become. Control and manage....she won't report him as a deadbeat dad cause "she can't put him in jail"!, she won't put him out cause "My son adores him, and I love him". She is in this financial mess because she has cashed out so much stock to pay for the A's life that she is no longer making enough money to support her own.

I think its pertinent to remember where living with an A can lead. She is much worse off than he. Sad, sad, sad.

Liveitwell

Powerful

searching peace

Wow! That is heartbreaking. But your are right such an important reminder of how our lives could look if we stay with our A's. I really needed to read this today! Thank you so much for posting. My mother always says "there for the grace of God go I" and in his situation that is so very true.

NYCDoglvr

For me the reason I kept going back to an obviously hurtful person was denial and rationalization, characteristic of both alcoholics and codependents. There was a final "last straw", but I suffered much longer than I should have. My Alanon sponsor was a huge help in getting a reality check.

Liveitwell

True. I always felt like I had to provide his happiness-he's very codependent too. Something his immediate family echoed-that other people could make him happy and if he wasn't happy obviously it was my fault. Of course he wasn't happy...he wanted to do whatever he wanted when he wanted with no regard to us-and the more his addiction progressed the more he isolated himself in the garage every night-and I didn't want to raise my young girls with an alcoholic spouse-therein lies the problem. But I realized he couldn't make me happy and heal all my scars-that was work I had to do, me. I think the hard part is I'm not rationalizing when I say I was happy with him for a long time-until he changed. I saw a person that was willing to take a stand for me and our marriage turn into someone that watched porn during my last pregnancy and blamed that on me bc he wasn't getting laid. Gee, wonder why? Because being touched by a drunk person is exactly what I was looking for. It's hrs to have witnessed the slide. It was just as hard for me to witness the slide in me. Just rambling right now.

Liveitwell

Something else he said multiple times over the last few years-"I just don't have that I'll die without you feeling- like I can't live without you anymore-I don't love you like I once did". Well, duh! First of all alcohol became his first love and second of all, that's codependent love-like Romeo and Juliet/it's not real! It's fantasy! True love grows and changes and gets deeper, usually after going through the storms-but his storms just kept coming and tearing everything apart that I had tried so hard to rebuild. I recall a week after giving me a card last year telling me how proud of me he was that I had found God again and gotten myself together and was leading this family and that we made a great pair, that he trusted me and loved me-one week later he was drunk and calling me a psycho and making fun of my alanon friends. Yep. It's incumbent on all of us to seek the truth about ourselves and get help if needed. At least, that's my take on it all. He's got to do the work or he will continue taking it with him forever. Not responding to him, bc nothing I say will help. Praying for him a lot-will never stop those prayers!

noinsanity2423

I heard the same thing from my ex alcoholic fiancé. She said that she wasn't good enough. She said that I thought I was better than her. No matter what I said after I left would convince her that her behavior while drunk forced me to leave. I was wrong for leaving, according to her, and she was good to me, ignoring how many times she hurt me while drinking.

The primary love for them is alcohol because they can't love themselves. Alcoholics are basically suicidal because they are killing themselves slowly. They can't love themselves, so they can't love anyone else.

I, too, sometimes feel like telling her again how much she hurt me or trying to talk it out with her. But the definition of insanity is repeating behavior while expecting another result. Continuing to talk to her would just give her another chance to hurt me. The sick part of me is the one that still wants a connection with her in spite of the hurt she caused me. Don't give in. It just hurts much worse.

Refiner

You do realize it's actually her that has a problem though, right? You make it sound like she's a victim. He's out living his life as he wants to. She chooses to stay in it and let the cat crap on the floors and not color her hair.

redatlanta

In context to the OP's thread her being a "victim" is not what this is about. Its about romanticizing a bad relationship after leaving, and how their problem and our actions co-mingle to an insane situation.

Yes, she chooses not to color her hair and let the cat "crap on the floor", that is true. Or maybe she is too depressed to care. That might be it too.

Liveitwell

I'm not romantizing-my eyes are wide open. I know the good and the bad. It's hard to let go of someone you do truly love and just pray gets better. Just had a thought go through my head- not funny, but I chuckled to myself a little....I recall when we were dating we talked for hours abd hours abd hours about our childhoods abd our alcoholic fathers abd families. I do miss that about him-he was my best friend - we just talked and I enjoyed talking to him more than anyone. Anyway, I recall he made a solemn vow that he would not be like his dad and treat me the way his dad treated his mom and he would not allow alcohol in the house bc he didn't want our future kids going through what we went through abd he never wanted his future kids seeing him drunk. Words. Alcohol got the best of him, and me for a long time as well. I didn't know just how important those words were until we did have kids and I saw the same cycle repeating itself. Sick thing is, after his dad died two and a half years ago it's just gotten worse. I swear there were some nights it was his dad yelling at me. Have me chills. I guess him buying me flowers was supposed to compensate for all that. Anyway, thanks for y'all's responses-I'm good, really-just processing abd feeling a lot. Grieving the man I married-not at all the man he is now. I have nothing to say to that person. So I pray.

maybear

Hi Forourgirls
When I read your post, I can see that you are in the thick of your grief. Very understandable.
It actually sounds like the 'bargaining' stage. If you haven't read about it, maybe give it a look and see if it is relevant to you for what you are experiencing.
I think it's only a good thing that you are able to express and articulate your feelings and thoughts so clearly, it will help you move through it.
Yes it may take time, yes some days you might feel good and others like you are back at square one, but overall, you are grieving your loss and reflecting on your experience so well, hence moving through it.
If you find you are getting 'stuck' with particular thoughts or feelings and having difficulty processing them on your own, a counsellor can be a great help. Otherwise, let yourself feel.
This too shall pass.