You two guys sound like you have it nailed. No, it isn't about perfection, and it's not about never having a bad or sad day, either. It's about recovering from it, not living in it on a constant basis. It WILL continue to get better with time and good recovery work. I think you're both on a good, solid path to healing.

Thanks so much for sharing!

Yeah. The feelings still come back every now and then, but my worst day spent in recovery is better than my best day in that relationship. The important thing is to stay in recovery and keep working on fixing myself. I survived.

Thank you Noinsanity. I appreciate you taking the time to share what you are doing to recover. I am going to see if there is the group you talked about where I live. I do not have a great fondness for alanon here. I am struggling and have rejected working a program consistently. I still have lived in somewhat of a denial. I'll take two steps forward and five steps back. I keep praying for answers and I think I am shown signs but, I have chosen to ignore them and chosen my sick thinking. I admire your diligence and determination. I think somewhere in my head and heart I am waiting for the divorce to be final and then I will know it is time to move forward and recover. Like I said, I am struggling. But your post helps more than you will know. Thank you!

Hey guys.

I need some advice.

My ex just sent me this email, and I need someone to decode the BS from it. I'm not sure if she's being sincere or sarcastic. I know she's tried to be nice to me before, but when I bit the bait she lashed out. The last I heard from her was about the deposit coming in, and that was a week ago. I haven't replied to any of the emails, and I've set them to auto delete, but they keep coming in anyway :S. I'm always hopeful for good news, but I'm cautious about believing anything that she says. Anyway, this is the message she sent.

I just wanted to tell you some things about myself that I'm excited about. First I'm enrolled next semester to get my ems certification. Hopefully I can start working at a hospital by next year. I haven't smoked [weed] since we last saw eachother. It's pretty amazing the opportunities that are available to me now that I can pass a drug test lol. I did go to see a therapist for a little while but I've recently stopped going. Im not sure why but I really didn't find it helpful. The lady I was seeing seemed to push me out early every time that I went. I still think about you all the time. [Our puppy] is doing really well he's starting to go to the bathroom outside now. It took a while but definitely worth the trouble. Well okay just wanted to say hi.

Can someone decode this for me and tell me if you think it's a trap, based on what I have already said about her in this thread and the other one? I really would appreciate some advice.

The only thing that I can see is that the narcissism is still there. She's telling me how great she is doing and that I should be happy for her. She has yet to apologize for the hell that she put me through, so this is definitely not an amends letter. For some reason this letter strikes me as extremely sarcastic and manipulative because she's basically telling me that therapy was useless for her even though I recommended that she should go.

On top of that she's saying "I think about you all the time," as if she still cares about me despite what she did during the relationship and right after. It strikes me as manipulative because the week that we split up, she was already out drinking and getting drunk. She messaged guys on her Facebook asking them to come and... do things to her while she was drunk. It was a week after that when she messaged me saying that she missed me. I've seen this pattern before.

I guess, she's also not honoring the original boundary I set, which was no drugs, no drinking, no sleeping around for 90 days, in recovery, seeing a counselor. She didn't mention alcohol at all here, and before I went NC, she was going out and getting plastered drunk. I think she's trying to see what she can get away with, still.

I guess I just would like some feedback on this and some validation that I'm in the right for seeing this as bait, which my gut tells me it is.

Please please please listen to your gut. Nothing but narcissistic, manipulative hoovering on her part. DO. NOT. GET. SUCKED. IN.

Hi there, I just recently read through your thread. I'm so sorry for the crap you went through and give you a lot of credit for getting out of it and rebuilding your life.

That email is entirely about her and how wonderful she is, so wonderful she doesn't even need therapy. Not only does she not acknowledge the pain she caused you, much less apologize for it, she does not even ask how you are.

This struck me as particularly obnoxious:

This sounds like making light of her drug use, like, 'Hahaha, wasn't it hilarious when I was too stoned to work so I didn't?'

Anyway that is my take on it. You are well rid of her. Please don't respond. I don't see any good coming of it.

Thanks for the support, guys. I figured it was manipulative. Yet again, no concern for me. She hasn't changed at all. I'm glad to see that understanding how addicts think is really helping me interpet everything she ever said to me in a whole new light. I still hope to get a true amends letter from her someday, although I don't expect one, and I won't ever restore that relationship that she trashed.

I really hope that one day I will be her story in her first AA meeting. I hope she wakes up before she ruins her life. I hope, but I don't depend anymore.

Thank you for helping me understand. I can't believe that I used to fall for things like this. Now, I see it for what it is.

Just FYI, noinsanity, we aren't supposed to post verbatim emails, texts, etc. on the forum. She didn't give you permission to post her words here.

I'm glad you aren't jumping all over this. And what's the point of setting emails to autodelete if you are going to read them anyway?

Thanks for the reminder. I wasn't aware that we couldn't do that, and it looks like I can't edit it out :S. Hopefully a mod can delete that part for me.

I talked it over with one of my accountability partners, and we agreed that I just need to get in the habit of emptying my spam folder before I decide to read anything in there. I'm not 100% perfect, but I'm definitely better than I was.

Your doing good noinsanity, you're doing good! Pls get that one deleted before you feel like responding (engaging) telling her you see right thru it. I know I'd be tempted! :)

Yes, you're doing great!

Baited the hook, dropped a quick line in the water to see if you're still nibbling...

N's need a lot of affirmation--and adoring fans-- or fish on the line. I think she's trying to keep you swimming around the hook.

I also think she's still actively using SOMETHING. It just feels like it.

You're correct that you'll know a change (if it ever comes) when she seems concerned about something other than herself. And maybe apologizes. Hopefully you're happily moved on completely at that point!

Love this thread. Thanks!

BLAH BLAH tell you some things
(you're gone so you don't know how great I'm doing)

about myself that I'm excited about.
(cuz I'm starting on a great path wow look at me)

Blah enrolled next semester blah.
(see how easy I turned myself around?)

Blah blah pretty amazing
(are you sorry we split up yet? are you calling me yet??)

blah blah drug test lol.
(because my silly little drug problem was never that big of a deal to anyone but you) BTW did she not also have an issue with alcohol or am I confusing her with another?

Blah blah therapist for a little while
(I really TRIED to keep our agreement on this)

Blah blah seemed to push me out early
(So it's not my FAULT that I didn't actually do it)

I still think about you all the time.
(Tell me you still love me and me discontinuing therapy doesn't matter)

[Our puppy] is doing really well Blah blah.
(You gave up on our LIFE, even our sweet little puppy, too soon. Aren't you SAD???? Are you calling me YET????)

Well okay just wanted to say hi AND TRY TO MANIPULATE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. IS IT WORKING?????

That was my take on her email as well.

Bla bla bla me, me, me, bla bla bla more about me, all about me and only about me.

It’s good you see this as bait and are not going to bite.

Addiction is a very narcissistic disease as you are clearly seeing with her email.

The part in her email where she says “I think about you all the time” is the twinkle of hope we codies hold onto desperately needing to believe even when we know the truth deep down. But as you’ve experienced like many of us have, that, that twinkle of hope always gets blow out by the reality of their disease.

Keep the rabbit dog analogy handy so when you have those moments of weakness and doubt the truth will light your way not those twinkles.

Yep. Us codies just LOVE to be wanted, needed, thought about, loved. Or we love to believe that we are.

My ex of about three months reached out to me via text. He's also on a good path...he's got a great job...but that's all he could tell me. No therapy...no AA....no "I really messed up." Exactly as others have mentioned she wanted you to throw yourself at her. Wow..you're doing so well..I'm so proud of you...except she's really not doing well. She's doing the basic things to keep herself alive. It takes more than that to be in a relationship.
Ive always felt addicts feel they have a different gauge for life. They need praise for very basic accomplishments. They have a massive sense of entitlement. I think they're used to people telling them that getting dressed in the morning is a success story.
Keep up your resolve....its so hard but you're very strong.

This is the funniest best take on things I have read in a while! May I send you my emails and texts and you can decode them all for me?!!! Too funny!!!

Searching - you made me smile for the first time all day - thanks! Now I'm picturing a room of us, Imitation Game style, all decoding each other's received BS. It's pretty much all the same code, but we ALL (self 100% included) just have a harder time decoding when the "messenger" is the A we happen to care about.

You can get a free secret decoder ring in a box of Quackerjacks.

Noinsanity, I have to add something funny here that I just remembered-- after XAH cheated, moved out, and wouldn't come home, I finally filed for divorce, he married right away (less than a week) and I went no contact...

He comes to my house to try to pick up the kids for the day a year later and says imploringly...how come you never ask about MY life anymore? It's like you don't care what's going on with ME at all!! (as wife #2 sits quietly in the front seat of his car waiting for him)

(I thought-what?! Is he crazy?!?) I said, very calmly... "because it's just not...RELEVANT. I'll get the boys."

I actually think those calm words did more damage than anything else I could have ever done. He wasn't relevant...ouch! How can that possibly be? ;) His face was like a little boy whose mom told him he's bad. He couldn't fathom it.

Amazingly it was true. Never thought it would be! And I know God handed me that word in the moment. :)