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Old 08-25-2004, 08:50 AM
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Gracey
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Just dont know

My husband was driving me crazy lastnight............ergggggggg

He was in one of his complaining moods...he called me at work to specifically tell me, that my son was locked out of the house.........(I didnt get that, my daughter was home) so I asked him how could that be possible.....he started going on, how he didnt want to ask Ashley why......because he would make her cry.........I said fine I will deal with it when I come home and find out what is going on.......I come home I ask my son who was still at his friends house (two doors down) were you trying to get in the house, he had no idea what I was talking about...........he didnt even try to come home........So not much later probably about 10 minutes may have went by.........I asked my Husband what made you thing he was locked out........he made all of those assumptions because he had to use his key to get in the back door?????????

He calls me at work, tries to get me all upset, he makes me think my daughter did something wrong........erggggggggggg and then when I try to discuss what he thinks happens, he acts like he doesnt want to hear me.....or he is just too busy to listen to my BS........I just wanted to know why he was freaking out like he was, and why he didnt just talk to my daughter or my son hiself......without automatically getting mad......and blaming Ashley for nothing........

when i get home he also starts complaining about he dog.......wondering why dishes werent done, since Ashley was home all day and was doing nothing........complaining about the bills..........complaining that I chose now to send my daughter to drivers ed......when we needed the money for other things.........(i told him there would have never been a good time to come up with $300.00 for drivers ed)..........I just couldnt stand it anymore......I was feeling myself getting so mad I wanted to shove a sock in his mouth............erggggggggggggg........and then he is following me around asking me what is wrong.......(what is wrong with me) ergggggggggggggg this was like from 6:00 to 7:30, finally I said......look I have to go I am going to be late to pick up Ashley..........he said as I was leaving give me a kiss..............(I was thinking I will right with my fist)............I had to force myself to give him a kiss and he said I love you...........I very quitely and with attitude I Love you too..........if I wouldnt have..........and I would have left without that I would have came home to more BS............and he isnt even drinking........he has been sober for 129 days now.........I couldnt stand him lastnight........I try to walk away........I tried to say quack, quack, quack........nothing was working.........I dont know if he was lucky or I was lucky I had to leave to get Ashley..........I think no I know more me........

It gets very frustrating at times............I just cant handle his mood swings..............
 
Old 08-25-2004, 09:33 AM
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I feel pressure all around me.........I feel like if I dont call home on a daily basis to give my kids chores.....he makes me feel like sh***t.......If I do call home and they do the things that are asked of them he gives them no credit at all........and says they should do it and they should do something everyday.......he never says I appreciate anything......he is always crabby about something........will always find the negative things and never the positive one........he gets in a bad mood over one little thing and it will ruin his day.......he is always angry about something, or just had a bad day, or is just tired, or depressed about never getting ahead.......he is so ungratefull..........

I am letting him get me down........he doesnt want to afford counseling anymore......he puts me down for going to alanon.....ergggggggggggg

I sometimes feel like just giving up.........but I know now that I would be giving up on me.........so I need to either get out.........or make the best of it I can, because I am not ready to move.........or wait till he finally has had enough of me and leaves.......
 
Old 08-25-2004, 10:04 AM
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Is your husband going to AA? I would think after 126 days sober and if he was going to meetings he would understand a little about his disease and the program.

He is manipulating you even while sober. You need to be strong and your kids should know their chores to do ahead of time. Perhaps you can sit and make them each a list for the day or week.

School starts soon, so this part of it will be behind you. Have your kids participate in after school activities so they don't need to be home.

If he is picking on you for whatever reason, tell him you don't want to hear it and to go away. He is being a jerk ..... saying he loves you and acting like he does are two different things.

I can tell a pile of horses**t I love it, but that doesn't mean I do! That's exactly what he is treating you like, a big pile of crap and that is mean and wrong. I feel badly for you, I really do.
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:05 AM
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breec -
I have no experience with a dry drunk but it sounds like that's what you're dealing with. He quit drinking but hasn't worked on any of his problems.

I think that you may be having a hard time distancing yourself from his problems because you are afraid of him - that he may physically hurt you. You try to do what he wants and say the right things so he won't hurt you.

I don't have any experience with that either. I can imagine it would be very, very hard.

I am afraid that he is just trying to get to you. He wants an excuse to be mad and violent. He wants to force you to stay on this ride with him. He wants you to be just as sick as he is.

Hopefully, somebody will come along with more wisdom and experience. I want to tell you to ignore him, stop taking his calls, etc. But, You know by experience that he may hurt you if you push him too far. I don't want you to get hurt.
L
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:07 AM
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breec - sorry for your pain - he sounds like he's unhappy with himself. drinking or not you are right - it is frustrating sometimes to listen and smile and be nice!!!!

i'm sure we all feel like giving up sometimes and hopefully those will be fleeting moments as we get healthier and stronger.

hang in there girlfriend - i feel your pain - i had one of those nights the night before last except mine was pretty wasted!

hugs - cwohio
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:09 AM
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Yes, thank goodness my kids are very active.....hockey, baseball, choir and band for my son........lol and that is only him.........whewwwwwww.........very busy.......juggling all of these things by myself......both my daughter are going to be starting figure skating again......they had summer off........my oldest daughter was a cheerleader and in the band.....but she just doesnt feel like doing that this year.....bums me out........she says she want to explore her options in her sophmore year.......she was in the band since 5th grade and was a cheerleader for the last few years.....and figure skating......

They started school today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yea!!!!!!!!!!

L
you are right, i am scared of him, because of how he has reacted in the past....and he refused to go to AA, he says he will get more depressed and want to drink more like his dad did....I really thought he was trying to work on himself....going to church an all.........and MC.......
 
Old 08-25-2004, 10:15 AM
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wow - they are active! that's wonderful that they can be involved in activites, but i am sure it wears you out!

my hat's off to anyone who is also a parent and living with an a - i have a hard enough time just dealing with the ah and 3 cats! lol

cwohio
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:24 AM
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It's just like with drinking. He will decide to work on his problems when (and if) he decides to do it.

You need to concentrate on what you want in your life. It is possible that he will always be this way. Are you willing to accept this for you and your children? It is OK for you to decide what you want for you and your children - you have every right to do that.
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:35 AM
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Hi breec,

I want to ask you to think about something. Why are you still living with a person that you say you are afraid of? Do you consider yourself an hysteric who is a poor judge of character? Are you prone to baseless fears? It is impossible to accomplish serenity if you are living in fear. I don't care how many steps you do. Please examine your fear. If it's baseless or overblown you could start working on exorcising it. If it's valid then you need to get safe. First.

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Old 08-25-2004, 10:39 AM
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Quote:
Do you consider yourself an hysteric who is a poor judge of character? Are you prone to baseless fears?

I dont understand what you mean......a poor judge of character, yes.........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 10:47 AM
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I mean... do you stay because you think you have no right to feel this way? That you must be wrong? That you are in some way faulty for being afraid?

Or... are you scared because you should be scared? And if you should be scared... what will you do about that?
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:49 AM
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Hi Breec - when you talk about "my kids" does that mean they aren't his? Is he the stepfather? Whole different dynamic then!

Sounds like you are just worn out - job, kids, AH. It is a very tough load to carry with no help from the "man of the house".

While my AH has not been physically abusive for over a year now, the fear never really goes away. I am not always even conscious of it but when I look back at situations, I do see that I am constantly monitoring. I am sure this is a self-preservation measure and I thank my intuition and my God for watching out for me.

I hear the rage in your message in response to things he says to you. No you didn't stuff a sock in his mouth or hit him this time but its obvious that you are reaching your limit. You've got to vent or all that pressure will just go to your hips and most of us don't need any larger hips! Go to meetings, keep posting. Stay safe.

Live Strong
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Old 08-25-2004, 11:15 AM
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How do I say this and be totally honest.........he has never once hurt my children.........the youngest one is ours......the two older are mine.......

I do have a right to be sacred of him, he has hurt me pretty badly once and that was five years ago........since then it has been a push here or a push there.......not to make it lightly because it is not........he picked me up by my robe a few months back because i told him no to sex............and he was sober..........I dont know why I stay, honestly........I cant figure all that out......I know I dont deserve to be pushed around, or called names......I am also not stupid anymore about it, when he says he will never do it again........So yes, I do have that genuine fear of him maybe hurting me.........That is what I am trying to figure out......why am I staying..........

One thing that I do know for sure........I feel like he has brainwashed my youngest daughter.........between him and his mother.........she would rather be with his mother, then home........because her granny gives her anything she wants.....and i have to say no sometimes.........When I went to a counselor he told me that, it was like I have two seperate families......Me and my two older kids........and then there is my Ah, his mom and Bree.........I had to go back to work two weeks after she was born, yes two weeks............and I went right back to 48 hours a week..........and went to finish college at night......so I could be more then a waitress..........so he and his mother raised her..........his mother brings stuff over for her and not my two older kids.........I would tell her no going over to grannys all the time........and my h made her think that I was just being mean.......he would say to her you know its not me saying no, its your mother......he doesnt want to make decisions for her, he would always tell her to ask me and I felt like I always had to be the bad guy, with him and his mother........and she picked up on that and would crawl into her daddy's lap, while he would console her after I said no.........or when i would discipline her he would tell me to chill out.........(I never spank my kids) only lecture them to death........It is almost like he was protecting her from me........but with no reason.........I think he wants her to himself and is willing to share her with his mother..........I feel like the third party all the time.........I am afraid that I would loose her to him.............not in front of the courts, but emotionaly.........it is another thing she would blame me for...........

I am sorry I am just thinking about all this mess...........and I dont get alot of things of why I am the way that I am......I havent figured it all out yet..........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 11:28 AM
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Bree3 - our family is blended too. No that's not right. We are a family in a blender and that is an entirely different thing. I really hate it when we seem to wear different colored jerseys clearly marked as opposing teams. There is a thing called Child Alienation Syndrome so you aren't crazy thinking that this stuff is something you're just making up or blowing up in your mind.

Your older children are paying a price too for your attachment to this man who is physically and mentally abusive. I know my kids have and while you can try to protect them from knowing the full extent of the abuse, they are living it too.

I for one am not putting up with it any longer. My kids come first. I may love him but I can live without him. My kids need me and don't deserve to live without me. Last night I took my kids to dinner at a nice restaurant to celebrate their first day back in school. It was so wonderful to hear about their day and listen to their enthusiasm. I gladly stayed present with them in those precious moments without worrying about what my AH was doing at home. It was blissful. I am planning to do more of that.

Listen to your heart. You do know everything that you need to know to sort this all out.
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Old 08-25-2004, 11:40 AM
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Breec -
None of us have it all figured out yet. Seriously - none of us. It's a lifelong process.

Your children will have love and respect for the people that show them love and respect. It is possible that he is using her to get to you. She will know that. Children figure things out much faster than we realize. All you can do for your children is to show them as much love as you can and to set a good example for them. They will figure out who the good guys and the bad guys are.

In my opinion, watching their mother be abused (physically or vebally) is just as much torture for a child as being abused themselves.

I don't know why you are staying with him. I know, for me, I stayed because I was denying how bad the situation was. I made excuses and pretended everything was OK because that was easier. I was afraid of doing anything else. I knew what I had right now and I was surviving it. I didn't know what would happen if I left - it would be scary. I stayed because I didn't think I deserved any better. I stayed because I felt sorry for him and thought that it was my duty to rescue him.

When you discover your reasons for staying, you can then look at them and decide whether they are good reasons or not. Maybe it would help you to go to a counselor of your own? Maybe one that specializes in abusive relationships? Maybe they could help you figure out your own reasons for staying?

The only way that I could see things clearly and make decisions that were right for me was to get the chaos out of my brain. As long as I had the constant stream of "he said" and "he did" going on, I couldn't think clearly.
L
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Old 08-25-2004, 11:45 AM
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I think I do that........I think I pretend to myself that 90% of this stuff happens whent the kids arent around.....I feel like my youngest has been exposed to alot more...........since she is allowed in our bedroom.......(the other two are not) he use to bring his mother to my bedroom all the time........she would bring over pizza for her son and grandaughter.......and he would lay in bed and eat it with Bree and then go to sleep..........I put my foot down.......I said look if my own daughter is not allowed in my bedroom then I dont ever want to hear of or see your mother in my room again...........(I honestly thought they were freaks for awhile, isnt a normal place to visit would be in the living room or kitchen) My son didnt get home till 4:10 and my oldest daughter gets home at 2:30, but she goes straight to do her homework in her bedroom which is in the basement..........I would always ask if she was in my room........but I became consumed by the BI*** being in my room so I had to stop..........no matter what I said.......both of them would still disrespect me and she would go in there anyway.........I dont know if it was because my Ah never told her not to.....and it was just a fight between me and him because of my oldest daughter not being allowed in there......I am not sure if went as far as him telling her or not...........but I finally blew up one day and Bree had heard me...........I found out she was in my room and I had a couple of items on the floor, from taking them off the night before.....(Panties) I was furious and told him I have asked a hundred times for her not to come into my bedroom and since you have obviously not told her then I will..............(I dont think it would have been that big of a deal to me if he wouldnt have mad it such a issues about my oldest daughter going in there)...........well I cooled down and I think the next day Bree told her granny for me as she was going upstairs to my room with her usual pizza for my H and Bree.............I walked in from work a few minutes later and said something very nice...........like look I dont want you in my room......I may have personal things laying around...........she got very defensive..........and said I will never go in your room again.........and so far as I know she doesnt go in my room anymore..........and that has been maybe a year..........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 12:01 PM
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Do you think it is possible that your H and his mother keep finding things to do that annoy you because it bothers you? Do you think that they believe that, as long as you are concentrating on all the things they are doing, you won't have an opportunity to concentrate on anything else and you'll be as messed up as they are?

Breec, you've mentioned a few times that your H's mother brings gifts over to the house for Bree but not for your other children. This makes you really angry. Why does that make you angry? You're not the one who's hurting the other children's feelings. The grandmother is the one who is the bad guy. It's not anything that you did. Why do you feel like you have to step in and say anything or do anything?

Think about that - it's really important.

What if, when the grandmother brought over a present, you just stayed out of it and didn't get upset? It's not between you and the grandmother. It's between the grandmother and your kids. What if you just said to yourself - "She's not being very nice. I didn't expect her to be nice. There's nothing I can do about it." Then go on with your life. Your kids will see that she's not being nice, Bree will see that it isn't nice, even your H will see that it isn't nice. There isn't any reason to point it out.

That was my first step in working on my codie issues. I had to learn to stop owning everything that happened in my world. A lot of it was not my business. It's not easy and I still mess up occasionally. BUT I am way better than I was before. I can't control and fix everything.
L
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:11 PM
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That is an excellent post Lorelai and right on words for Bree. I hope she spends some time thinking about them.
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:15 PM
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Breec3, you are in a very tough place right now. My ex-husband was very abusive to me both verbally and physically. I stayed with him for almost 5 years and the one good thing I got from those 5 years was the courage to say "No More" to domestic violence of any kind. He also abused our animals and I tried to stop him but I was so scared of him. That is the one thing I really regret. My animals are my children and I didn't stand up for them. I know that a lot of people don't understand us "animal lovers" but they tolerate us. I think that I knew when I'd had enough, my mind was made up that it was the end for us and there was no going back. It also took me years to not flinch whenever someone put their hand near my face. I still have nightmares about him sometimes and we've been divorced for 18 years. I can honestly say if he came to my door starving I would close the door in his face and lock it. I know I should overcome the anger I feel towards him but I haven't reached that horizon yet. What I'm trying to say is, please don't let him get you to the point I'm at. It will take a long, long time for you and your children to get over it. Sorry this is so long and I do wish you the best.
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:16 PM
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I guess it hurt me tremendously to see my two older kids get left out all the time.....especially since ther natural father and grandparents have nothing to do with them and my parents have 18 grandchildren and live two hours away and cant spoil them like that.......

These last few months I havent been concentrating on those issues so much I have been letting it go for the most part..........I havent been telling Bree no about going to her grannys anymore.......cause I dont want to be the bad guy all the time......I did explain to my two older kids that I cant help what Bree's granny does and I know that things arent fair.....but there is nothing I can do about it.........

Since I have been not telling Bree no..........my husband has been telling her yes and she is staying there atleast three to four times a week all night.........I feel like I am in a no win situation with her......
 

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