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Old 08-25-2004, 12:31 PM
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You know, Bree is how old? Is she quite young? The bribes for young kids are cheap. They tend to get more expensive as they grow up. You husband and MIL will pay the price for this eventually, unfortunately it will be dumped in your lap when the problem is too big for them to handle.

I wish you would leave, I wish you would take Bree & the other two kids and just go, but I know you need to go through this journey to get to the better side of life.
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:39 PM
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He has hurt my animals too............I had a siberian Husky........and he was mad about something it had done and through him down the steps and broke his leg.........he said he tripped and he let the puppy go.........I dont believe him...........I gave my my puppy to a good home.............and he is very well taking care of now...........I love animals and I watch animal planet all the time.........he would always blame me for not taking care of him right and that he had to do everything.........clean up dog doo doo and so on.......that was a couple of years ago...........

I dont even know if I should be saying this.......because it make me so sad................just recently I did get a new puppy a golden retriever..........I love him so much........I thought maybe he was right I wasnt cleaning after the first one good enough and I wasnt doing everything I should be doing.......so when I bought Comet.......I decided that I was going to do everything for him.......I clean up dog doo doo every other day..........I never leave him un attended outside........when I am at work he is crated.......and when I get home.....I take him out and take him everywhere with me.........I even took him camping with us......I dont leave him alone with my H...........I was so scared that he might hurt him...........

When I was camping in July.........I left comet in the camper with my son and my H while I ran to the bathroom.......and I came back about 10 minutes later and comets nose was bleeding..........I became hysterical and said what the hell happened.......I was only gone a few minutes.........my husband said that he was coming into the camper and he tripped and his elbow went into comets nose............he even convinced my son of that because my son told me the same thing.......he even told my son that i am never going to believe him because of what had happened in the past........to this day no matter how much he begged me to believe him........I dont deep down..........(he wasnt drinking then either) I am very protective of my puppy and I have saved him from any kind of hurt he may encounter......I just never know when he is going to go off..........I am always braging about the puppy saying how good he is........and how much I love him.......and he knows that I take full responsibility for him..........Sometimes I dont think that it was fair of me to bring the puppy home, because I am afraid.........but there has only been that one incident so far.......but he does say mean things........he wants to shove my pool and the puppy up my A** and I should never have gotten them.......and it was the poorest decision I could have ever made..........I said what did the puppy do.........he says he is just breathing.........

most of the time I can say he wont hurt him, but I am afraid of when he might.......so i take him everywhere and dont let him alone with him..........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 12:45 PM
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Bree is 61/2 and Ashley is 15 and Andrew is 11........and your right, that is allready happening.........she wants a motor scooter because her friend has one.......and we cant afford it..........so we will see if her grannys gets her that.........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 12:47 PM
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Breec -
Couple of things:

most of the time I can say he wont hurt him, but I am afraid of when he might.......so i take him everywhere and dont let him alone with him..........

Is that really the solution to your problem? Do you really think you can lead a happy life by keeping everyone under your wing so that your H doesn't hurt them?

Also - Let's say that your son saw your H abuse your dog and was too scared to tell the truth because he's afraid of your H. That's not child abuse?

L
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:48 PM
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Believe me, he will hurt Comet and you too! He is a mean nasty person.

I am a dog breeder, and I always had dogs even when my husband was drinking. He never hurt the dogs or me for that matter, but did say mean and spiteful things. He would pick on my foundation dog, the dog that started my kennel, with words, but he never ever touched her.

Don't you see, anything that means anything to you, anything that is special to you is on his list to hurt or get rid of? Don't you see that? It's the best thing he can do without physically hurting you but hurting you just the same.

Sometimes the mental abuse is worse than actual physical abuse. At least with physical abuse, as much as I abhore it and have no respect for people who inflict physical pain on others, you have something to show for it, be it a bruise or whatever. With mental abuse there are no visible wounds. It's sad.
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Old 08-25-2004, 12:56 PM
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I have never told anyone this.........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 12:56 PM
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I agree with ASpouse.....If the things he was doing to your inside showed on the outside (like a bruise or something worse....) would you still be there?
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Old 08-25-2004, 01:03 PM
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Why would he want to hurt me so bad...............I just dont get alot of things......maybe I should go to IC.....I am not a stupid person......I have a degree and a great job.........make way more money then him.......I am not ugly, I am very responsible..........Great mother(maybe I am not) letting my kids live like this.......I just dont get it........and I dont get why I stay...........
 
Old 08-25-2004, 01:12 PM
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breec -
Of course you are smart and responsible ! I think that most of us are. That's why A's like us so much. We can do all the smart and responsible things they don't want to do.

You are right though. You need to figure out why you stay. Then you'll be able to work on whatever it is. It takes time. If you go to a counselor, maybe it will help - probably won't hurt.

I want you to stay safe and keep the faith. It will get better.
L
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Old 08-25-2004, 01:20 PM
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Thank you so much just for listening.............
 
Old 08-25-2004, 01:23 PM
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My A has been abusive in the past. It's not always when he was drunk, but when he's sober it's the morning after. It doesn't happen often, and usually I have a pretty large hand in the argument, because my mouth gets away from me often, not that that's an excuse for his behavior, but I know I'm not completely innocent. The point is, I tell myself I stay for a few reasons. First, because I can't afford it on my own. Then, we have two small kids that he adores and they adore him. He's never been violent towards them. Basically, I believe there is good in him- just buried under the substances he chooses to be dependent on. We've always had pets, and he's ALWAYS been caring towards them. Never mean, never violent. He's NEVER tried to force me into sex, and when we have sex he's always a very considerate lover, alcohol or not (though I haven't had sex with him when he's been drinking in quite a while). He is generally a good person, good to the kids, good to animals. It doens't sound like your husband is good to anybody but your daughter, and then, not really because he's using her as a manipulation tool on you. I have had too many issues to count with my A's mother, and she no longer steps foot in my house, nor does she call it (if I'm lucky). But when she was around, she was a problem too. I would suggest you analyze why you're sticking with your husband. If you're attractive, confident, have a good job, enough money to support yourself and your children, and you seem like you're keeping it all together by yourslef with the kids' sports and activities, why bother? I've said a few times (and granted, have never followed through, but it sounds good!) that I would much rather be alone and happy than attached and miserable. Good Luck...
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Old 08-25-2004, 03:03 PM
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Breec - This is your journey but there is also a reason that you are posting here. If it is for strength to leave, I hope you find it. Your pain and confusion are real but so is the danger. It won't get better until you find the courage to make a change. Serenity prayer - you have the power.
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:20 AM
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Bree3,

Last night I was thinking about this thread, how it saddens me. Go back and read your posts ...... I believe your answers are in those threads.

Go back and really read them, see how heart wrenching they are, how you are suffering.
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:40 AM
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Breec -
I was thinking about you last night also. How are you doing today? How are the meetings going? Have you met anyone that could be a sponsor?

I'm always here to listen anytime. I hope that I haven't over-stepped and offered too much advice. I just want you and your kids to be safe.

You are important, Breec. You deserve to be happy. I'm thinking of you & sending prayers.
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Old 08-26-2004, 08:12 AM
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Thank you so much for your concern............It gives me a good feeling that someone was thinking about me and cares.......I was so busy lastnight........Between practices and Drivers Ed right now that is enough in itself after working all day......

My husband asked me after I finished up dishes at 10:00 lastnight.......what is wrong...........I know he really didnt want to know......so I didnt say anything..........then he says to me that I am in a feeling sorry for myself mode.......

I had to cancel my counseling meeting yesterday due to drivers ed.........(my H is not going to be willing to participate in bringing my daughter or picking her up) he told me lastnight this is what I had to have.........I was expressing to him that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.......Drivers ed is only three weeks long.......and I have three days under my belt........One day at a time..........

I am not going to be able to attend church on Wednesday either for the next three weeks........because of drivers training.......I have to bring her there at 5:30 and have to pick her up by 8:00.........church starts at 7:00.........I am also not going to be able to attend my alanon meeting this Friday......the meeting starts at 8:00.........Drivers Ed is five days a weekd for three weeks............(yuck). I guess no sense in wishing that my parents didnt live two hours away........(they would help me)

I have only been to two face to face meetings..........I really liked them........I am trying to find a time where I can go to a meeting in between everything else..........I have not found a sponsor due to me only going to two meetings thus far....but I did want to look into that........

I did reread my posts...........and when I did.........I became angry.........this is my life.......what am I doing to it.......
 
Old 08-26-2004, 09:22 AM
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Breec3, instead of asking yourself why you put up with this treatment, begin by changing one thing that you can. Start on that road.

There is absolutely no sense in looking back and saying "why did I do that, this is my life, why? why? why?" This will get you nowhere except feeling like you are stuck in a mud pit spinning your wheels. Make a decision to change one thing today, one thing that you can do and succeed at, no matter how smalll.

Well, if he asked you what was wrong, who are you to think he didn't want to know? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but you can't answer for him or pretend you know how he feels. If that was me, I would have said "I'm tired, I'm busy and that's it". If he would have baited me into an argument, I would not have taken the bait.

Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Gosh, I think we are all entitled to feel that way somedays as long as you don't remain there for very long.

You have kids Breec3, kids create a busy lives for all of us. You are doing things for your kids, that is not bad. I too am busy.

I have a 12 1/2 year old, a 4 year old, 7 dogs, 1 Rabbit, a house that needs to be taken of. I get up at 5:15am every single day, shower, get ready for work, wake up my son, take him to pre-school, drive 1 hr and 20 minutes to work one way, shop on my lunch hour, get my work done, leave at 4:30, pick up my son at 5:45, go home, make dinner, do laundry, feed & train dogs, read to my son, talk to my daughter about her day. H comes home from work, sit and talk to him about work, kids etc. He goes to meetings every day, gets home about 9:30, talk a little more, get ready for the next morning (making lunches etc) and go to sleep. That is the extent of my busy day. Can I feel sorry for myself? You bet! Do I? No ..... this life I live was my choice, something I wanted. I feel as if I am spread as thin as I can go, but I also know I can get spread a little further.

In between all of this, I find time for Al-Anon meetings. Weekends are dedicated to family, dogs and yardwork.

Sorry to get this OT, but we are all busy, this is life. It doesn't sound like your life is the one you wanted!

I consider all of this that I have to do a gift. I do not look at it as drudgery. Yes, somedays I am exhausted and on those days I don't try to be Superwoman, I let the exhaustion take hold and give myself the rest I need to start over.
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Old 08-26-2004, 09:48 AM
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I dont think I was feeling sorry for myself..........I was exhausted and I didnt want one more person asking me for another thing the rest of the night.........I wanted to go to sleep..........

I do love to do things for my kids......I love practices and games......It gives me time to veg.......I love training my dog.......Ive always wanted kids.......I wanted to have four.....but I will just have my three......for lots of reasons.......most of them known here......I when I feel like I cant keep going I fing the energy for just that one last thing..........but as busy as I am and as tired as I get...........on top of all my responsibilities.........I have some ass*** telling me everything I am doing wrong......and daily pointing out all the little but bad things.........he points out to me lastnight I forgot to unplug the iron.....tells me I am as bad as the kids......I could have killed us all.........I said I am sorry it was a mistake..........he says to me I dont make those kind of mistakes that good ruin the house and the whole family........I said really hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........I can think of a few...........and I dont call you an irresponsible idiot.....that needs to be treated like a child........and I walked away.......It is just little hidden digs like that periodically through out my busy day......that sometimes it just throw me over the edge.....
 
Old 08-26-2004, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by breec3
It is just little hidden digs like that periodically through out my busy day......that sometimes it just throw me over the edge.....
Now that I can relate too! I think that even happens in a normal healthy relationship. :smile:

Most times my exhaustion causes me to feel like this " ". They all tend to ignore me now!
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Old 08-26-2004, 10:24 AM
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Most of the time I can handle all the negativity that my H can dole out........it is when I cant and I finally have had enough of his sarcastic BS that I say something back to him.........I regret when I do........I may say one thing get my point across.....and then he will go on for hours.........following me around .ect.ect. he says that now you started something and now that you got me mad this is what you get..........
 
Old 08-26-2004, 11:24 AM
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I think that your H is baiting you. He wants you to fight back and so he works harder and harder to try to get you to break. Once you do, he's happy and he can follow you around and torment you and let you know that you are still on this stupid merry-go-round with him. He doesn't want you to get better. He wants you to be just as miserable as him.

He's going to keep trying harder and harder the better you get. It sucks - I know. Don't let him drag you down. Just try to stay away from him as much as you can. Don't believe anything he says. I can't believe how much credit I gave my H. He has much worse problems than me and I was listening to his opinion about me???? Give me a break.
L
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