Hoping for some perspective
 

I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 8 years of sobriety. My husband is an active alcoholic who is a binge drinker and is in denial. We have 2 young kids as well. I am attending both AA and al anon meetings and have begun setting some boundaries as it relates to his drinking which seems to be helping my sanity. So I scheduled a date night tomorrow night for us as I am still very committed to the marriage. However he is binge drinking again tonight and I want to cancel the date. I can't decide if I am acting irrationally or not. It's no surprise that he is drinking tonight so I anticipated that would happen in spite of scheduling the date. I am very codependent and am still working on putting my needs first. But sometimes I don't know what those are because I have been so used to putting others first.

Well done with your sobriety! Your wish to cancel the date for any reason you choose sounds sensible to me. I'm not sure how it could be considered irrational. Maybe you could explain this further.

Are you sorting through your feelings with regards to your husband's drinking and how to communicate these clearly with him? Or are you concerned about how you anticipate your husband might respond to a cancellation of date night?

Thanks Verte. I appreciate your insight. I would say I am sorting my feelings out as it relates to his drinking as well as afraid of how he would react to a cancellation. Especially since I was pretty excited about the date. It ended up not being a binge night after all. I was anticipating the worst and it didn't happen.

Kkgrace....to my way of thinking....to go on a "date" with someone who is in in the middle of a binge would be "Irrational". It is a waste of time to even hold a conversation with someone who is drunk...much less have a date...lol!lol!

dandylion

You say that you don't know what your needs are. I have found that my needs become immediately more clear if I make a list of my fears......(there is a connection...).
It can be a bit dicey to list one's fears....honestly.....as we tend to lie (denial) to ourselves about our worst fears, also......
LOL......this is why having support people to help us through this is so important....

Hi dandy lion and thanks for the response. I must not have been very clear in my message . The date is scheduled for tonight and the binge was
Last night though it didn't up being a binge. I would never go on a date with him the same night he was bingeing. Fortunately he doesn't drink on our date nights.

o.k....I get it, now...lol! I can imagine that this is beginning to wear on you, by now.......

dandylion

There was a moment in my marriage to my A that I realized if I wanted to do something or I wanted my child to experience something, it was up to me. That was freeing for awhile and helped me detach. But then I started thinking, why am I even with him?

Date night is probably the least of your problems and I'm sorry for it.

Thanks codejob. Did you stay married to him?

I did this as well. Even in my first marriage (not to an A), I thought why would I stay married if I'm going to be alone all of the time. If I'm married and alone, there is not hope or potential not to be alone. But if I'm single and alone, there is at least the hope and potential not to have to be alone.

Wait til tomorrow see what happens.

Remember One Day At A Time.

Have plan B for yourself if it doesn't work out.

Congrats on the 8 years!! Well said Searching Peace! I would think that the objective to date night is to get closer. You know that's not possible with someone bingeing. With 8 years sober, you're obviously committed to yourself and it's admirable to be committed to marriage, but you have to ask if there is a marriage left? I hope that there is and hope that he realizes it too. (( hugs))