Not drinking ~vs~ Sobriety
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Not drinking ~vs~ Sobriety
Can anyone help me by explaining the difference between not drinking and adopting a sober lifestyle (using AA or some other form of support)?
I read in a post (somewhere) where someone said that he was a "dry drunk" - what does that mean and how is that different from being sober?
Thanks!
I read in a post (somewhere) where someone said that he was a "dry drunk" - what does that mean and how is that different from being sober?
Thanks!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Not drinking is not taking in alcohol.
The behaviors I gathered or had prior to the drinking and through the years of practice and magnification caused by the drinking remained.
Somber life style. At peace with self and share that peace with others has come about from working all the steps.
I found the steps through the bible. The 12 steps of AA and or the bible and following, working, and growing through either AA or the bible will bring about a somber, sober life style.
Work 3 steps...get 25% results...work 12 steps get 100% results and a sober life style as well as be alcohol free.
The behaviors I gathered or had prior to the drinking and through the years of practice and magnification caused by the drinking remained.
Somber life style. At peace with self and share that peace with others has come about from working all the steps.
I found the steps through the bible. The 12 steps of AA and or the bible and following, working, and growing through either AA or the bible will bring about a somber, sober life style.
Work 3 steps...get 25% results...work 12 steps get 100% results and a sober life style as well as be alcohol free.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
But Best, what if your A (one month sober) does not work the steps? Does not want professional help? Wants to stay miserable for the rest of his life, and to share that misery with his wife? I see destruction down that road. Do you think anyone can really do it without help? I've been separated for four months with a very fast roller coaster the whole time. Just when I'm ready to walk for good he stops drinking. Full blown withdrawal with lots of anger I'm dealing with. I just dont know if it's worth it. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Cadence57
Can anyone help me by explaining the difference between not drinking and adopting a sober lifestyle (using AA or some other form of support)?
I read in a post (somewhere) where someone said that he was a "dry drunk" - what does that mean and how is that different from being sober?
Thanks!
I read in a post (somewhere) where someone said that he was a "dry drunk" - what does that mean and how is that different from being sober?
Thanks!
The difference for me between just not drinking, and being sober.... is CHANGE. Emotional sobriety, peace of mind and serenity. Learning to live life on life's terms, one day at a time.
Putting the booze down does nothing for how I feel, think, my actions or deeds. It does nothing for my resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
The 12 Steps imho are about changing the person that we bring through the doors of AA. Just stopping drinking without changing the inside....... is just an alcoholic who is dry and absolutely miserable to bone. Now being miserable was always a good excuse for me to pick up that first drink and off I'd go bombed again. I simply didn't know another way.
If I do not change the person that I brought through the doors of AA, well THAT IS the person who drank. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and I will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity"
A dry drunk is someone who is just not drinking, and continuing the same thinking, actions, words and deeds....... in other words, an angry, depressed, blaming, irresponsible, sad, frightened, resentful, and controlling individual.
I simply didn't want to live my life in complete misery anymore. AA has a solution that works
God Bless
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Alexia
But Best, what if your A (one month sober) does not work the steps? Does not want professional help? Wants to stay miserable for the rest of his life, and to share that misery with his wife? I see destruction down that road. Do you think anyone can really do it without help? I've been separated for four months with a very fast roller coaster the whole time. Just when I'm ready to walk for good he stops drinking. Full blown withdrawal with lots of anger I'm dealing with. I just dont know if it's worth it.
Yeah, I was a good manipulating drunk too. I blamed people, places and things, sucked sympathy, and manipulated as long as they "allowed" me to.
The only one that you can do anything about, the only on that you can change is YOU. This isn't about what he does or doesn't do. This is about what you choose to do or don't do.
Alexia, I would suggest Alanon meetings, because whether he shares his misery with you or not........... is your choice, not his.
God Bless,
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Thank you Patsy. I have been to Al-anon since April. I am taking care of me. Joined the gym, going fun places with friends, etc. I was a mess at first, but I've been standing on my own for over a month. Gee, no more doormat, is that why he quit drinking?
I'm just to the point where I know I can go on with my life and be happy, just not sure if I should watch and see what happens with him, or chuck it. I do love him, but also refuse to live my past life. It's only been a month, I know withdrawal takes a long time. I would love for my marriage to be repaired, and for him to be well, but without professional help or AA I'm not that confident of it. But I wont stop living my life, just dont know if I want to keep that one piece of it "on hold".
I'm just to the point where I know I can go on with my life and be happy, just not sure if I should watch and see what happens with him, or chuck it. I do love him, but also refuse to live my past life. It's only been a month, I know withdrawal takes a long time. I would love for my marriage to be repaired, and for him to be well, but without professional help or AA I'm not that confident of it. But I wont stop living my life, just dont know if I want to keep that one piece of it "on hold".
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Patsyd1
Hi Cadence57
The difference for me between just not drinking, and being sober.... is CHANGE. Emotional sobriety, peace of mind and serenity. Learning to live life on life's terms, one day at a time.
Putting the booze down does nothing for how I feel, think, my actions or deeds. It does nothing for my resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
The 12 Steps imho are about changing the person that we bring through the doors of AA. Just stopping drinking without changing the inside....... is just an alcoholic who is dry and absolutely miserable to bone. Now being miserable was always a good excuse for me to pick up that first drink and off I'd go bombed again. I simply didn't know another way.
If I do not change the person that I brought through the doors of AA, well THAT IS the person who drank. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and I will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity"
A dry drunk is someone who is just not drinking, and continuing the same thinking, actions, words and deeds....... in other words, an angry, depressed, blaming, irresponsible, sad, frightened, resentful, and controlling individual.
I simply didn't want to live my life in complete misery anymore. AA has a solution that works
God Bless
Patsy
The difference for me between just not drinking, and being sober.... is CHANGE. Emotional sobriety, peace of mind and serenity. Learning to live life on life's terms, one day at a time.
Putting the booze down does nothing for how I feel, think, my actions or deeds. It does nothing for my resentments, fears, expectations, doubts and insecurities. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.
The 12 Steps imho are about changing the person that we bring through the doors of AA. Just stopping drinking without changing the inside....... is just an alcoholic who is dry and absolutely miserable to bone. Now being miserable was always a good excuse for me to pick up that first drink and off I'd go bombed again. I simply didn't know another way.
If I do not change the person that I brought through the doors of AA, well THAT IS the person who drank. If nothing changes, then nothing changes and I will continue to do the same things over and over again...... expecting different results. And that is the definition of "Insanity"
A dry drunk is someone who is just not drinking, and continuing the same thinking, actions, words and deeds....... in other words, an angry, depressed, blaming, irresponsible, sad, frightened, resentful, and controlling individual.
I simply didn't want to live my life in complete misery anymore. AA has a solution that works
God Bless
Patsy
Originally Posted by Alexia
I would love for my marriage to be repaired, and for him to be well, but without professional help or AA I'm not that confident of it. But I wont stop living my life, just dont know if I want to keep that one piece of it "on hold".
Originally Posted by Best
Not drinking is not taking in alcohol.
The behaviors I gathered or had prior to the drinking and through the years of practice and magnification caused by the drinking remained.
The behaviors I gathered or had prior to the drinking and through the years of practice and magnification caused by the drinking remained.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Step one - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.- is a surrender. Not just surrender to alcohol, but that our best ideas and schemes had gotten us unsatisfactory results. The 12 steps are not to stop drinking, though that is the first goal. The steps are about an awakening, call it spiritual or otherwise, to a new perspective, a new approach to life. One that brings healing and wholeness.
Resistance to change is built into most of us. We find comfort in the familiar, however destructive it is. To step out of comfort and into the unknown is one of the scariest things we can do. Desperation drove me to change. I stayed in pain until I couldn't stand it one more second. Alcoholics, I think, can stand a lot more pain than "anons." They have the numbing effect of chemicals to withstand much more. Facing the destruction without chemicals has to be horrible. Without some sort of support, and a structured change, how can anyone escape from the self inflicted misery?
I am sure that some people have recovered without the help of a recovery program. They have found a way to change without having to turn to a structured plan of recovery. I think those people are the exception. Even with a support structure, many people can't grasp and develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Holding on to resentments, fears, and secret shame can and will drive many to drink again.
Some people can live with and tolerate a lot of pain. Those are the people who can stay sober for many years and bare their cross of sobriety. It is not a free or serene life. They become bitter and cynical. Is this better than being drunk? I am not sure. I know that the toll that life can take on someone is heavy. It robs them of any joy and pleasure that life offers. It can pull a family down as surely as active alcoholism.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, our own recovery. Those who chose a path of abstinence without change are responsible for that choice, and the results. I chose to change and find a life that offers beauty and joy, love and friendship. I am sad when someone I love can't or won't take that path, but I refuse to stay in misery with them. My recovery is self preservation.
Hugs, Magic
Resistance to change is built into most of us. We find comfort in the familiar, however destructive it is. To step out of comfort and into the unknown is one of the scariest things we can do. Desperation drove me to change. I stayed in pain until I couldn't stand it one more second. Alcoholics, I think, can stand a lot more pain than "anons." They have the numbing effect of chemicals to withstand much more. Facing the destruction without chemicals has to be horrible. Without some sort of support, and a structured change, how can anyone escape from the self inflicted misery?
I am sure that some people have recovered without the help of a recovery program. They have found a way to change without having to turn to a structured plan of recovery. I think those people are the exception. Even with a support structure, many people can't grasp and develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Holding on to resentments, fears, and secret shame can and will drive many to drink again.
Some people can live with and tolerate a lot of pain. Those are the people who can stay sober for many years and bare their cross of sobriety. It is not a free or serene life. They become bitter and cynical. Is this better than being drunk? I am not sure. I know that the toll that life can take on someone is heavy. It robs them of any joy and pleasure that life offers. It can pull a family down as surely as active alcoholism.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, our own recovery. Those who chose a path of abstinence without change are responsible for that choice, and the results. I chose to change and find a life that offers beauty and joy, love and friendship. I am sad when someone I love can't or won't take that path, but I refuse to stay in misery with them. My recovery is self preservation.
Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Cadence57
Yes! That's it! AA helped you to change the behaviours - I supposed after a while in AA, when you see someone new and raw come through the doors, just about everyone there must have a "remember when" moment... no doubt it helps the "veterans" to keep their perspectives about how fragile and precious their recovery is.
I'm still relatively new in recovery. I had a thirty year love affair with substances, alcohol in particular. When I first joined AA, it was simply desperation. I was at the end of my emotional rope, as it were. I managed to stay without the drink for a week, and started feeling better. But I sure did not change any of the root causes of my addiction. I was a dry drunk, unhappy and miserable. I manipulated people still, refusing to accept responsibility for who I was and how I felt.
I attended meetings. But I wasn't ready yet, to change.
I still had a drunk left in me. And I went there knowing full well what could happen.
We all get to recovery through different doors, and for different reasons.
But without change, all encompassing change in my beliefs and behaviors, I could not be enjoying the peace of mind I have right now.
My life is far from perfect, but I am at peace.
I tried being a dry drunk.
It's no life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: vancouver bc
Posts: 1
Hi, my husband has been home for 2 weeks from a recovery center, i had hoped his behaviour would have changed , but i still see and hear in him the same, i am finding this quite disturbing, its very hard to be positive, any suggestions, i do attend alanon but i really dont want to keeping talking about all of this if nothing changes, any suggestions
thank you
thank you
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Alcohol was the material that we see that gets blamed for what we don't like.
The actions and reactions are what we don't like. Alcohol can magnify those.
Selfish behaviors and rudeness increase with alcohol intake for many of us.
His poor actions are what al anon teaches us to deal with. Alcohol removed, continue with the boundaries till his recovery grows and improves. The steps should bring out changes. His working the program should bring growth.
The actions and reactions are what we don't like. Alcohol can magnify those.
Selfish behaviors and rudeness increase with alcohol intake for many of us.
His poor actions are what al anon teaches us to deal with. Alcohol removed, continue with the boundaries till his recovery grows and improves. The steps should bring out changes. His working the program should bring growth.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
besariver Hi...
I am stumped! How did you post on a thread from 8-25-2004???
It was interesting, but why don't you start a new thread , if you have more questions??
Welcome to SR, great place, great people.
Keeo coming back.
.
I am stumped! How did you post on a thread from 8-25-2004???
It was interesting, but why don't you start a new thread , if you have more questions??
Welcome to SR, great place, great people.
Keeo coming back.
.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by Patsyd1
Hi Cadence57
A dry drunk is someone who is just not drinking, and continuing the same thinking, actions, words and deeds....... in other words, an angry, depressed, blaming, irresponsible, sad, frightened, resentful, and controlling individual.
A dry drunk is someone who is just not drinking, and continuing the same thinking, actions, words and deeds....... in other words, an angry, depressed, blaming, irresponsible, sad, frightened, resentful, and controlling individual.
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have just explained to me in a way that I can understand exactly what a dry drunk is!!!! I've struggled with that dry drunk term for awhile now, I just didn't really "get it". You have just explained to me exactly why my ah is the way he is!!! Something I've been figuring all this time but wasn't so sure. But you just nailed it!!!
Clancy, I'm guessing that someone did a search for a subject, versus just posting another one in regards to a topic already posted. jAnd truly, I have to wonder if this thread wasn't just bumped up for me to read!!!! I'm glad to have had the chance to see what Patty said. I'm just so floored right now.
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