Do I have a chance to get my ex gf back? I am a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry. It's true you can't change how you feel. And learning to change your thought patterns is a hard lesson. Learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings, to allow them to happen without attempting to numb them or to repress them or to act on them is also incredibly hard but it can be done. It takes practice.
She isn't doing anything with the intent to hurt you. It's often easier to take things personally than to allow that someone's motives might not have anything to do with you.
What's most important right now is that you do not allow these feelings to derail your recovery. This is in fact what recovery is all about - learning to live on life's terms -- even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. You are investing in a way of living that will see you through all of life ups and downs without it feeling like a rollercoaster all the time.
It's going to take time. I have no magic answer beyond that. Sending you strength and courage to face this standing up.
She isn't doing anything with the intent to hurt you. It's often easier to take things personally than to allow that someone's motives might not have anything to do with you.
What's most important right now is that you do not allow these feelings to derail your recovery. This is in fact what recovery is all about - learning to live on life's terms -- even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. You are investing in a way of living that will see you through all of life ups and downs without it feeling like a rollercoaster all the time.
It's going to take time. I have no magic answer beyond that. Sending you strength and courage to face this standing up.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Kefka, as someone with seven years of sobriety, I remember VERY well what it was like in the beginning. Dealing with strong emotions was THE VERY hardest part of early sobriety for me. I was so used to numbing out with alcohol.
All I can say is that if you WORK THE PROGRAM (i.e., get a sponsor, work the Steps--much more than simply going to meetings), it WILL get better. There are some famous "promises" in the Big Book (and I hope you have one and are reading it). They DO come true if you do the work. None of the promises say you will get your ex-g/f back, but you can have a fantastic life--one you will NEVER have if you go back to drinking.
Work on yourself and on other relationships with people in the program who can help you. If you do that, you will find that you have much more to bring to a relationship with a woman.
All I can say is that if you WORK THE PROGRAM (i.e., get a sponsor, work the Steps--much more than simply going to meetings), it WILL get better. There are some famous "promises" in the Big Book (and I hope you have one and are reading it). They DO come true if you do the work. None of the promises say you will get your ex-g/f back, but you can have a fantastic life--one you will NEVER have if you go back to drinking.
Work on yourself and on other relationships with people in the program who can help you. If you do that, you will find that you have much more to bring to a relationship with a woman.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, just one thing about the "head games" you felt like she was playing. Realistically, if she just unblocked for a few minutes, what is the likelihood she expected you would just happen to be on FB at that moment and know she had momentarily unblocked you? Pretty slim, isn't it? Seriously.
Now, go to your meeting, and talk to some of the guys there. Right foot, left foot, and don't forget to breathe.
Now, go to your meeting, and talk to some of the guys there. Right foot, left foot, and don't forget to breathe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 13
I have a sponsor. I had one from over one year ago when I did 3 AA meetings. We never lost contact. He has known me over a year now. I just got back from the meeting. I am also talking to a psychologist who has known me my whole life since 13 every single day.
I removed my ex girlfriend from facebook friends when we were still together but she was saying she wanted space to fix herself. So her unblocking me to view my profile is pointless because people who aren't friends can't see anything but my profile pic and friends list. My psychologist thinks she might be going back and fourth in her mind between the two extremes of this was the most loving relationship she was ever in(her words not mine) and the fear and trauma of what happened, that she might of just unblocked me because she thought she wanted to get in contact again but then she quickly pulled back realizing we both need time to fix ourselves. This is how I see it too but I don't really know because I am not inside her head.
I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. I am even reading cognitive behavioral therapy books. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every second feels like hours. Time has slowed to a snails pace for me. This past week has felt like a year.
When me and my ex met we were doing great, 2 months into the relationship my closest uncle died at 59 in his sleep and it destroyed me. Then 2 months after that my mother who I am EXTREMELY close to because my father abandoned me and my brother at 13 years old and was a physically abusive drunk, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't handle any of this and I began to drink heavily because of all the fear of losing people. This is what started the decline in our relationship because I simply could not handle the emotions of everything going on PLUS my depression which I have fought so hard against for so long.
Eventually I dragged my ex down to an emotional state she was in 1 year ago when her very abusive father died and all these memories started coming back to her about what he did to her. At the time she was suicidal and depressed and taking huge risks seeing people who could have raped or killed her(her words). The two of us had all the love and respect in the world for each other but we were completely decimated by real life events out of our control and a downward spiral ensued.
It just is not fair that all this stuff had to happen when it did and it set us both back emotionally and mentally. I feel so lost. I am trying so hard, I don't know what is left in me anymore. I don't know how much fight I have left. I don't care about drinking anymore, my thoughts are more along the line of I would be grateful at this point if I was walking down the street and a car just hit me. At this point nothingness is better than feeling what I feel. Life has been a never ending ceaseless assault of pain and misery. I have so little left. I am an empty husk rotting in the wind.
I removed my ex girlfriend from facebook friends when we were still together but she was saying she wanted space to fix herself. So her unblocking me to view my profile is pointless because people who aren't friends can't see anything but my profile pic and friends list. My psychologist thinks she might be going back and fourth in her mind between the two extremes of this was the most loving relationship she was ever in(her words not mine) and the fear and trauma of what happened, that she might of just unblocked me because she thought she wanted to get in contact again but then she quickly pulled back realizing we both need time to fix ourselves. This is how I see it too but I don't really know because I am not inside her head.
I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. I am even reading cognitive behavioral therapy books. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every second feels like hours. Time has slowed to a snails pace for me. This past week has felt like a year.
When me and my ex met we were doing great, 2 months into the relationship my closest uncle died at 59 in his sleep and it destroyed me. Then 2 months after that my mother who I am EXTREMELY close to because my father abandoned me and my brother at 13 years old and was a physically abusive drunk, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn't handle any of this and I began to drink heavily because of all the fear of losing people. This is what started the decline in our relationship because I simply could not handle the emotions of everything going on PLUS my depression which I have fought so hard against for so long.
Eventually I dragged my ex down to an emotional state she was in 1 year ago when her very abusive father died and all these memories started coming back to her about what he did to her. At the time she was suicidal and depressed and taking huge risks seeing people who could have raped or killed her(her words). The two of us had all the love and respect in the world for each other but we were completely decimated by real life events out of our control and a downward spiral ensued.
It just is not fair that all this stuff had to happen when it did and it set us both back emotionally and mentally. I feel so lost. I am trying so hard, I don't know what is left in me anymore. I don't know how much fight I have left. I don't care about drinking anymore, my thoughts are more along the line of I would be grateful at this point if I was walking down the street and a car just hit me. At this point nothingness is better than feeling what I feel. Life has been a never ending ceaseless assault of pain and misery. I have so little left. I am an empty husk rotting in the wind.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My dear....first I am really sorry for what you have endured. I have not bottomed out emotionally like you have before in my life, but I have certainly felt terrible pain from the loss of a relationship. I do understand feeling nothingness.
I am sorry also you have dealt with illness and death. My mom also has cancer and it is incurable. I hope that your mom is doing well with her illness and treatment.
You mentioned that you have a therapist - are you speaking with him/her about that you may be feeling suicidal? I am not really sure that is what you mean but it sounds that way a bit.
We all certainly understand dealing with pain in life its why we are here. I hope we can be a resource for you to climb through all of this because it can be much better.
I am sorry also you have dealt with illness and death. My mom also has cancer and it is incurable. I hope that your mom is doing well with her illness and treatment.
You mentioned that you have a therapist - are you speaking with him/her about that you may be feeling suicidal? I am not really sure that is what you mean but it sounds that way a bit.
We all certainly understand dealing with pain in life its why we are here. I hope we can be a resource for you to climb through all of this because it can be much better.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
All the alcohol acts as a depressant. It takes time for your body/brain chemistry to return to its normal state. Once you even out a bit more, your doctor might prescribe an antidepressant or similar medication to get you the rest of the way there if necessary. One step at a time. Keep the faith. It WILL get better. Early sobriety is very, very hard for everyone. But I've seen people make miraculous recoveries. It doesn't happen overnight, though, so you have to be patient for a while. Keep using all those resources you've gathered, and you'll get through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
All the alcohol acts as a depressant. It takes time for your body/brain chemistry to return to its normal state. Once you even out a bit more, your doctor might prescribe an antidepressant or similar medication to get you the rest of the way there if necessary. One step at a time. Keep the faith. It WILL get better. Early sobriety is very, very hard for everyone. But I've seen people make miraculous recoveries. It doesn't happen overnight, though, so you have to be patient for a while. Keep using all those resources you've gathered, and you'll get through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The two of us had all the love and respect in the world for each other but we were completely decimated by real life events out of our control and a downward spiral ensued.
I believe you said you were together for SIX months. in a long term solid healthy relationship the real life things do not tear them apart, they just team up and get going. that doesn't happen in half a year, or two years, that takes TIME. and experience.
since my husband and I have been together we somehow got thru crack addiction, 8+ years clean now.....the death of my first ex-husband, my daughter's father. the death of his dad. buying a home, and within two years being under water on our mortgage by almost $200,000. long term layoffs for him, having his unemployment CUT and learning to survive on less, our dog needing surgery on both back legs over a two year span at the cost of $2500 each and a 6 month rehab/quarantine period while she healed. five day power outage in the depths of winter when it was about 19 degrees outside.
I could go on. but it is ALL just life stuff. the next thing up.
get your focus off FB. don't try to read thing into a momentary unblocking as if it's a sign. go watch the sun rise......listen to the birds tweet......refold your socks......do something that gets you out of this head space.
I believe you said you were together for SIX months. in a long term solid healthy relationship the real life things do not tear them apart, they just team up and get going. that doesn't happen in half a year, or two years, that takes TIME. and experience.
since my husband and I have been together we somehow got thru crack addiction, 8+ years clean now.....the death of my first ex-husband, my daughter's father. the death of his dad. buying a home, and within two years being under water on our mortgage by almost $200,000. long term layoffs for him, having his unemployment CUT and learning to survive on less, our dog needing surgery on both back legs over a two year span at the cost of $2500 each and a 6 month rehab/quarantine period while she healed. five day power outage in the depths of winter when it was about 19 degrees outside.
I could go on. but it is ALL just life stuff. the next thing up.
get your focus off FB. don't try to read thing into a momentary unblocking as if it's a sign. go watch the sun rise......listen to the birds tweet......refold your socks......do something that gets you out of this head space.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Kefka2099
I have a sponsor. I had one from over one year ago when I did 3 AA meetings. We never lost contact. He has known me over a year now. I just got back from the meeting. I am also talking to a psychologist who has known me my whole life since 13 every single day.
Maybe that's just me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello kefka,
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I can almost guarantee that most of us here understand pretty much exactly the pain you are feeling. We have lost romantic partners and had our hearts completely shattered. My own mother has had breast cancer--twice. My favorite uncle died 10 years ago, and my grandmother and an aunt in quick succession.
All of these things are painful to live through--we know.
Please try to be kind to yourself and know that you are worth the effort needed to achieve and maintain recovery. I hope that you come to believe that.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I can almost guarantee that most of us here understand pretty much exactly the pain you are feeling. We have lost romantic partners and had our hearts completely shattered. My own mother has had breast cancer--twice. My favorite uncle died 10 years ago, and my grandmother and an aunt in quick succession.
All of these things are painful to live through--we know.
Please try to be kind to yourself and know that you are worth the effort needed to achieve and maintain recovery. I hope that you come to believe that.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
I know you don't want to hear this but what you definitely need to do is leave her alone and give her some space. All your energy needs to be focused on your recovery. Sending a letter each month no matter how innocent you think it is would be seen as quite intrusive to a person that needs to move on. You have minimised quite a bit of your behaviour in your post and after a period of good sober time you may realise that a lot of those scenarios you described would have been frightening to witness. I sincerely applaud your efforts but please give this lady some space and work on yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Pipping
I know you don't want to hear this but what you definitely need to do is leave her alone and give her some space. All your energy needs to be focused on your recovery. Sending a letter each month no matter how innocent you think it is would be seen as quite intrusive to a person that needs to move on. You have minimised quite a bit of your behaviour in your post and after a period of good sober time you may realise that a lot of those scenarios you described would have been frightening to witness. I sincerely applaud your efforts but please give this lady some space and work on yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Perhaps keeping busy and distracting yourself with thoughts about your ex-gf would help? It seems you only focus in your posts about her, not about you.....
How are you? Apart from anything to do with your recent break up...
How are you feeling? Physically? Emotionally? How is the battle with cravings going? When is your next appointment with your counselor, and have you been able to talk about all this with your counselor? Do you keep a journal--I found that really helpful in the past.
As someone who has lived through my own traumatic break up, keeping busy is a life-saver!
How are you? Apart from anything to do with your recent break up...
How are you feeling? Physically? Emotionally? How is the battle with cravings going? When is your next appointment with your counselor, and have you been able to talk about all this with your counselor? Do you keep a journal--I found that really helpful in the past.
As someone who has lived through my own traumatic break up, keeping busy is a life-saver!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Seren
Perhaps keeping busy and distracting yourself with thoughts about your ex-gf would help? It seems you only focus in your posts about her, not about you.....
How are you? Apart from anything to do with your recent break up...
How are you feeling? Physically? Emotionally? How is the battle with cravings going? When is your next appointment with your counselor, and have you been able to talk about all this with your counselor? Do you keep a journal--I found that really helpful in the past.
As someone who has lived through my own traumatic break up, keeping busy is a life-saver!
How are you? Apart from anything to do with your recent break up...
How are you feeling? Physically? Emotionally? How is the battle with cravings going? When is your next appointment with your counselor, and have you been able to talk about all this with your counselor? Do you keep a journal--I found that really helpful in the past.
As someone who has lived through my own traumatic break up, keeping busy is a life-saver!
What has happened with my ex gf is just consuming me right now. I have so much regret for how things turned out and I keep trying to pull myself back to focus on me but it is so hard to do. I am doing everything I am supposed to do but this I still just keep thinking about her. I know I have to come first in my recovery it is just beyond hard to stay focused. There is simply too much going on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No medications work well while you're still drinking. I'm not suggesting, either, that medication is the answer--it is for some people, but certainly not for everyone. CBT is good, too, and there are other treatments for depression. My point is that NONE of them will be effective until you get the alcohol OUT of your system for a good period of time, and preferably are working a program of recovery for your addiction, too.
The way you are feeling right now is a VERY poor indicator of how you will feel with continued recovery. EVERYONE feels like crap at this stage of the game. So you aren't unique, and you aren't hopeless. You are as likely to have a great life ahead of you as anyone else, IF you do what you need to do. And ANY kind of program of recovery requires you to put that at the forefront of your focus.
The way you are feeling right now is a VERY poor indicator of how you will feel with continued recovery. EVERYONE feels like crap at this stage of the game. So you aren't unique, and you aren't hopeless. You are as likely to have a great life ahead of you as anyone else, IF you do what you need to do. And ANY kind of program of recovery requires you to put that at the forefront of your focus.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Do please try to stay hydrated, kefka. Perhaps if you tried to have small snacks several times a day instead of sitting down to some big meal it would help. I'm glad you are still speaking to your psychologist! I have read that journaling at least 20 minutes each day can help to get out all the negative thoughts and feelings that can hold us back.
Keep posting on your thread in Newcomers and here when you need to! We are open 24/7/365
Keep posting on your thread in Newcomers and here when you need to! We are open 24/7/365
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Kefka,
I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced so much suffering in your life and I want to share that I also suffered greatly as a child in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent that was abusive. As we grow up and we are trying to deal with the trauma and uncertainity our brains are responding to thetoxic thoughts we overload it with. The brain creates actual proteins that build "trees" that grow. We actually create forests that reinforce what we think about ourselves and world view. If we keep thinking negative thoughts we are growing weed trees in our brain instead of REdwooods!
What science tells us now with certainty is that our create our realities and belief systems through our thoughts and the good news about that is that we can change our brains. The science of this is Nueroplasticity and if you want to be blown away at how you can change EVERYTHING by learning how to control your thought life research this subject. We are constantly redesigning our brains every second by our choices of what we choose to think about.
My father told me I would never amount to anything because I was a girl (he was sexist, racist and downright evil) and I lived in fear of him and parroted some of his belief systems early in life. What he told me was NOT TRUE but I made a lot of life mistakes and poor choices in my twenties in relationships. I had a very flawed and incorrect belief system about myself and many other subjects including my role as a victim as well as a lot of anger that I had internalized.
But I changed my thinking because I came to believe who I was and what was possible...for me this was because I rejected my father's atheism and I know that there is a loving God that created us in his image and we are brilliant, amazing beings with unlimited potential!!! Our biology and even DNA does not limit us from chasing and achieving our dreams.
Thoughts are real and change your brain and you have to roadblock your brain from toxic thoughts. You are not destined to be depressed and you are not destined to suffer or lose your change to find healthy and lasting love. The negative response to emotional overload is the door opening to your learning how much control you have over changing your future by changing what you permit your brain to dwell on.
Please research this subject....it is fascinating and life changing and I can testify that it works!!!!
I am achieving every goal set as a child... and today I am a leader of a citywide movement to address the homeless and our broken criminal justice system... individuals that also struggle to find their way out of overwhelming despair and hopelessness.
I know this is long but MIND OVER MATTER is true! Do not tell yourself that you are going to be miserable! You are a winner and you will change your life and achieve your dreams and goals!!! I wouldn't be compassionate and trying to help others if I hadn't suffered personally! Our sufferings are opportunities to learn to avoid the traps of life.... and they are everywhere!
Good luck...if you want me to send you some authors or links pm me.....
I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced so much suffering in your life and I want to share that I also suffered greatly as a child in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent that was abusive. As we grow up and we are trying to deal with the trauma and uncertainity our brains are responding to thetoxic thoughts we overload it with. The brain creates actual proteins that build "trees" that grow. We actually create forests that reinforce what we think about ourselves and world view. If we keep thinking negative thoughts we are growing weed trees in our brain instead of REdwooods!
What science tells us now with certainty is that our create our realities and belief systems through our thoughts and the good news about that is that we can change our brains. The science of this is Nueroplasticity and if you want to be blown away at how you can change EVERYTHING by learning how to control your thought life research this subject. We are constantly redesigning our brains every second by our choices of what we choose to think about.
My father told me I would never amount to anything because I was a girl (he was sexist, racist and downright evil) and I lived in fear of him and parroted some of his belief systems early in life. What he told me was NOT TRUE but I made a lot of life mistakes and poor choices in my twenties in relationships. I had a very flawed and incorrect belief system about myself and many other subjects including my role as a victim as well as a lot of anger that I had internalized.
But I changed my thinking because I came to believe who I was and what was possible...for me this was because I rejected my father's atheism and I know that there is a loving God that created us in his image and we are brilliant, amazing beings with unlimited potential!!! Our biology and even DNA does not limit us from chasing and achieving our dreams.
Thoughts are real and change your brain and you have to roadblock your brain from toxic thoughts. You are not destined to be depressed and you are not destined to suffer or lose your change to find healthy and lasting love. The negative response to emotional overload is the door opening to your learning how much control you have over changing your future by changing what you permit your brain to dwell on.
Please research this subject....it is fascinating and life changing and I can testify that it works!!!!
I am achieving every goal set as a child... and today I am a leader of a citywide movement to address the homeless and our broken criminal justice system... individuals that also struggle to find their way out of overwhelming despair and hopelessness.
I know this is long but MIND OVER MATTER is true! Do not tell yourself that you are going to be miserable! You are a winner and you will change your life and achieve your dreams and goals!!! I wouldn't be compassionate and trying to help others if I hadn't suffered personally! Our sufferings are opportunities to learn to avoid the traps of life.... and they are everywhere!
Good luck...if you want me to send you some authors or links pm me.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't think you should be posting your personal emails with your ex-girlfriend on a public forum. If it were my emails being posted without permission I'd be pretty upset about it.
I'm not sure what you're looking for, a review of how convincing you were? An opinion about how she really feels? None of us can possibly know how she really feels. And as for what you said, it SOUNDS good, but we've heard a lot of lovely "heartfelt" apologies from our alcoholics and we've learned that actions count a lot more than words.
I'm not sure what you're looking for, a review of how convincing you were? An opinion about how she really feels? None of us can possibly know how she really feels. And as for what you said, it SOUNDS good, but we've heard a lot of lovely "heartfelt" apologies from our alcoholics and we've learned that actions count a lot more than words.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I don't think you should be posting your personal emails with your ex-girlfriend on a public forum. If it were my emails being posted without permission I'd be pretty upset about it.
I'm not sure what you're looking for, a review of how convincing you were? An opinion about how she really feels? None of us can possibly know how she really feels. And as for what you said, it SOUNDS good, but we've heard a lot of lovely "heartfelt" apologies from our alcoholics and we've learned that actions count a lot more than words.
I'm not sure what you're looking for, a review of how convincing you were? An opinion about how she really feels? None of us can possibly know how she really feels. And as for what you said, it SOUNDS good, but we've heard a lot of lovely "heartfelt" apologies from our alcoholics and we've learned that actions count a lot more than words.
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