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She ran to Hide....

Old 08-24-2004, 07:20 PM
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She ran to Hide....

I sit here tonite, it is quiet at my place. I just woke up from a deep relaxing nap. My daughter is asleep and inside of me I am a mess. Last night around midnite my x-A (her father) came pounding on my door, my back window and woke up all of my neighbors in the building I live. He called me over and over again until I anserwed telling me he had my daughter some school supplies and wanted to give them to her. I knew instantly he was high. By him being at my door he was in violation of his restraining order. I had only a chain and a security lock on my door. I didnt realize my deadbolt wasn't locked. My neighbor came outside he cursed her out, I heard this from the other side of the door. I called the police while here inside. By this time my daughter woke up. 5 Minutes later he broke in the front door and broke my chain and security lock off the door, and had me in the floor choking me. He was covered in sweat, he was high and reaked of alcohol. All I hear in my head is my daughter screaming, I've heard it all day in my head. I was fighting to get him to let go of my neck I was trying to do anything I could. I was thinking at the time would he hurt my daghter? He was yellling,screaming telling my daughter what a sorry mother I was, and that I turned her against him. My eyes were watering and I was getting lightheaded, he let go he went into the kitchen and started throwing glasses and yelling. I was in the corner of the living room with my daughter praying for the police to come. A few minutes which felt like hours later they came in the door and handcuffed him in my kitchen floor. He is still in jail.

I got my daughter to sleep finally, she kept asking if I was okay, I kept telling her yes, I was okay. we would be okay.

I didnt go to sleep I sat in my living room floor feeling like the events that just occured were a big bad dream. I have felt zapped of energy all day, everytime I looked at a mirror while passing by I saw the old me, the one who was scared and weak. That made me mad to see that. I didnt and still dont feel alive and full of life like I have been feeling. That new me I think is hiding. She has to come back out though because I love her.

I will get through this, I want to get through this. I have goals I have to reach. things are not easy right now, but I am getting a second job part time in the evenings to better myself financially. Just for a month or two the extra work. Things will get better I keep telling myself. I truly dont know what I would do without you guys. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.
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Old 08-24-2004, 07:30 PM
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(((bonbon)))

I'm sorry you and your daughter had to go through that horrible experience. Within time you will be able to put it behind you. At the present you are sill in shock. Domestic violence is a gut wrenching ordeal. I hope your ex will get the help he needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care....
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Old 08-24-2004, 07:51 PM
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(((BONBON)))

What you have been through is not just a codie/addict encounter....it was a traumatic terrible assault and of course you are shook up and scared.

Thank God you called the police and they came.

Be easy on yourself right now, you need time to work through the trauma. If you have any live support from meetings or family you can talk to, call them. Or call a counsellor and book an appointment, but find a way of talking this out, all the way through so that you can walk through the pain and be done with it.

Talk to us here, as often and as long as you want. Bonbon, don't let this hide inside of you and eat you alive. He's in jail and you are safe now but your mind needs to KNOW it.

Sending huge hugs and a ton a prayers for you and your daughter. May you both be safe and free.

Hugs
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Old 08-24-2004, 08:01 PM
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BonBon - This is so outrageous! While you must be in shock, I hope that you will be able to take advantage of this time while he is in jail. Please do everything possible to ensure your safety and your daughters. Do you have a women's shelter nearby where you can discuss plans for your future safety Have you discussed with the police any further actions you can take to make sure he leaves you alone. Do you have an escape route? Emergency money and belongings packed and ready for immediate departure?

Taking action always makes me feel stronger. We will be watching for your posts to know that you are safe.

Live Strong
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Old 08-24-2004, 08:05 PM
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Bonbon,
What Ann said, I couldn't say it any better.
Just wanted to add my hugs and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending some light and love your way,
Gabe
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Old 08-24-2004, 08:44 PM
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Look how you have turned this whole thing against yourself. This is not a Bonbon bad. This is another person's bad. You did nothing and now you want to put all the responsibility on yourself. That's a no no.

This does not belong to you. Anyone would have reacted in the same way and I don't care how strong they are. Do not turn this against yourself. That is not allowed. Nothing has changed with you. You've been traumatized and it will take you some time to find your footing again. This was caused by his actions, not yours.

I do not believe anyone gave you the skillet!!! You can't earn the skillet until you learn to point it away from yourself.

Wrap yourself in safety right now any way you can. Do what ever it takes to make your daughter and you feel safe. This is not your fault and I will not let you blame yourself. I am giving that X of yours a great big skillet whack right on top of his head.

You did really well!!!!!

Love you,
MG
 
Old 08-24-2004, 09:11 PM
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((( Bonbon! )))
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Old 08-25-2004, 04:28 AM
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(((Bonbon)))

I agree with what was said above…

Talk things through….

Embrace your fear with love and it turns into strength

You and your daughter will be in my prayers…

Hugz~
Kim
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Old 08-25-2004, 04:40 AM
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((Bonbon))

We say to accept what we cannot change and to change what we can...please do everything you can to ensure that this will not happen again. Your life was in danger...your daughters future was in danger. Don't hide...stand up and shout!!

Hugs,
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Old 08-25-2004, 05:00 AM
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((((bonbon)))

my prayers are with you!!

cwohio
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Old 08-25-2004, 06:21 AM
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((bonbon))
Serenity to accept the things you cannot change. You already have the courage to change the things you can. Wisdom to know the difference. MG is right. Don't own this. It's just another challenge to face and get through. With support and love you can. Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-25-2004, 07:48 AM
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(((Bonbon)))
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Old 08-25-2004, 08:10 AM
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Bonbon,

My heart hurts for you and your daughter. I don't know what it is like to be violently attacked, like you were, by a person who loved you. I do know that no one deserves to be treated like that. You didn't deserve to be attacked, and you didn't deserve to fear for your baby. Please do everything in your power to protect yourself from him. Do you have a friend who can come stay with you for a couple of days so you can sleep in peace? Do you have friends you can call to talk through this?

You are working so hard to do all the right things for you and your daughter, don't give up. If I could send a big blanket to wrap you two up and keep you safe I would. I'm certainly not the wisest or the healthiest person here, but please message or email me if you want to talk through anything. I'm good at finding resources for help and I know what it's like to feel alone. I don't want you to feel alone!

That woman in the mirror is strong, she survived, she did what needed to be done, and she can move forward!

Many many hugs!

Marci
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:23 PM
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Oh, Bonbon, please consider you and your daughter HUGGED big time. Please believe me when I tell you as a child I was where your daughter is today.
She will over come this. Why, because I have read your previous posts and you are strong, wise, and growing by leaps and bounds.

You need time to re-group. MG is totally right when she says this is not your bad. The pebble in the pond sends ripples clear across the waters and the ripples touch us all. That's why I can understand where you are now.

Please be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be with me if this were my post, my life, and my trauma.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
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Old 08-25-2004, 11:23 PM
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I saw the old me, the one who was scared and weak.
Well reading your post I see someone who was filled with courage and did what needed be done in a situation that could put fear in just about anyone.
Soldiers get medals for such courage.
Moms get hugs from friends and daughters.

HUGE HUG and Prayers

In the fear of the moment you did what needed be done.
Used your brain, thought things out, made the call, stood your ground for your safety and that of your daughter.
Scared and weak? Strong and courageous is what I see.
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:23 PM
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I am feeling alot better, getting myself together in my head is what has been difficult. I was jogging yesterday morning, the pounding while I jogged hurt my chest it reminded me of the physical pain and soreness I've had. But I kept jogging, although it hurt like hell, I kept going. I kept going because this whole weight loss thing has been the best thing for me that will have ever happened in my life. I plan on reaching my goal and I am not going to let anything stand in my way of that goal. He will never bring me down again like he had me 2 years ago. When he makes me feel bad now, I have better control of myself, I know how to let go of it, its just like if you step in dog poop, its gross, it stinks, you frown up while scrapping it off your shoes, it takes a little time to wear off, but you get it and your good as new.

I am taking care of me, my daughter and our life. I have goals, I have dreams, and nobody is going to take that away or make me feel like they are not in reach.

I love all of you, truly from the bottom of my heart.

Many hugs...
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:31 PM
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Just sending more hugs because you deserve them. I have no doubt that your dreams will come true Bonbon, and that your strength and courage will see you through any bumps in the road.

Love you my friend, and am grateful you are back.

Hugs
Ann
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:39 PM
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Great analogy the dog poo. It stinks but your scrape it off and keep going.

You are doing great.
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Old 08-26-2004, 07:53 PM
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((( bonbon )))

You go girl. Keep right on jogging and watch out for the dog poo. I love the analogy. You are an inspiration to a lot of us.

Hugs and love
Barb
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Old 08-27-2004, 05:45 AM
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bonbon - wow - i hope to be able to be as strong and determined as you someday!

reading posts like yours help us all to remember the positives that happen when we focus on changing OURSELVES.

hugs - cwohio
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