Carrie2015

I am not new to alcoholism. I was on this forum a couple years ago. I was in my 50's when first introduced to an alcoholic and happy to have successfully ended the relationship. I say this because I educated myself over addiction and went to Al-Anon and educated myself about me.

So fast forward. My daughter is living with, and pregnant by a man she has been going out with for 5 years. She had a stroke like injury 2 years ago and it's been often terrible ordeal in her rehabilitation. She has seizures/migraines.

Her boyfriend from the beginning admitted to having a problem with alcohol. However, his drinking appears mostly in control. But every once in awhile he becomes really crazy when he drinks and acts bizarre and blacks out. Most of their relationship was dating and drinking didn't seem to be a huge issue to my daughter. However, it did to me, because I understand deeply the progressive nature of alcoholism.

I believe if my daughter had not had her injury she would not be with him right now. Her confidence and ability to cope in the world is severely compromised. She has not worked since her injury and is in therapy for all the trauma this injury has visited upon her.

She become pregnant 5 months ago. This is scary for everyone on how she and her boyfriend will cope with a child given her disability and his alcoholism. Which brings us to her boyfriend's alcoholism. It's of course bumping up a level. He self identifies as an alcoholic, his family knows he has a problem, and he is doing all the things alcoholics do. He has promised to quit, he has been to exactly 2 AA meetings....(after a blackout and being emotionally and verbally abusive to my daughter). He drives drunk, he hides his empties, he "Quacks' constantly...last night he left the house after a fight and went to a bar. We only know this because his uncle posted photos of them on Facebook. So, the bottom line is I am clear on this can only get worse...much worse.

Which brings me to my position. I am educated about not being able to control this outcome. I can't rescue my daughter, I can't fix her boyfriend. Last night when he behaved the way he did, the stress provoked a seizure in my daughter and I just can't ignore this. Since her injury there are very few people in her life. She is in her mid twenties and very few of her friends are around after two years of recovery. So, it's her father and myself and her boyfriend who are her support. I don't know how to help her sometimes. The lines get so blurred between her injury and her decision to stay with her boyfriend. It's all mixed up into one big mess.

Today, her boyfriend, myself, and my daughter are going together to find the gender of the baby. After being on the phone with her last night, with her crying and seizure and migraine and his leaving all evening to go to a bar, I can't stand to be in the same room with him. I can't stand pretending the huge elephant isn't also in the room.

Any advice is appreciated.

I am trying not to be codependent, but I am my daughter's caretaker and I am so confused.

Carrie

hopeful4

Oh wow, her being pregnant is trouble brewing. Add a child to the mix and it becomes very toxic. I would have her sit out some very clear guidelines for herself and this child. Example, if he is drinking he cannot come home. He cannot drive the child if there is any risk of him driving drunk. All sorts of things. It will be overwhelming and she may very well not want to do it.

I wish I knew what to tell you. My parents hated my X for good reason. They just sucked it up b/c they knew I had to come to my own decisions in my own time. They support me, and any decisions I would make. They are my rock.

I would speak with her about this very openly and honestly.

Hugs to you. I am so sorry for what brings you back here. We will walk this road with you.

Florence

Man, she's in such a vulnerable position. I feel for you, Carrie.

I found myself homeless and totally reliant on my narcissistic ex when I was 18 years old, and what I wanted more than anything was my mother's emotional support, and the knowledge that I could always come home, no judgment, if I needed to.

I had so much shame even being in the situation -- pregnant, unmarried, unemployed, dependent -- that I needed an extra push to see my options, even when I did have the support. The shame and the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) were very strong.

SeriousKarma

Hi Carrie,

Would your daughter be open to going to an Alanon meeting?

Carrie2015

Florence...thank you for talking about the shame. My daughter feels such overwhelming shame. Her injury took away so much. She was finishing up Graduate School and had to drop out. She lost her job she loved as well. And she was so high achieving she feels deep deep shame and I don't want to contribute. Walking the line between caretaker for her injury and codependent for her relationship can be impossible. I need to let her know I support and love her unconditionally. But at the same time can't pretend her relationship is at all healthy. Yikes...it's crazy making. I promised myself I would never be around an active addict again, and damn it if the father of my grandchild isn't an alcoholic.

Karma....my daughter is absolutely aware of Al-Anon. She was so proud of me for going. I have suggested, but she doesn't go. She just nods and agrees, but doesn't go.

Thank you Hopeful...for your kind words. This is the first time I have talked to people about this situation and it's such a relief.

Carrie

searching peace

Florence has great wisdom in her reply. Have you offered for her to come home, no judgement? Sometimes it really helps to be able to go home and be taken care of and get away from the sick thinking and sick environment if only for a little while. I don't view it as being codependent. I view it as offering your daughter and unborn grandchildren a safe haven for as long as they need. Just my opinion.

Carrie2015

Hopeful. I am wondering what other boundaries people make for their active alcoholic. Those are two really good ones.

Carrie2015

Yes, I have told her in no uncertain terms she can move in with me. I would rent a much bigger place (i live in a studio) and make a home for her and my grandbaby.

atalose

I’m so sorry you are in this very difficult situation that I’m sure at times feel so complex.

Seeing that from the beginning it’s been known that the BF has a drinking problem and your daughter moved ahead with the relationship knowing that, it’s difficult to blame her medical condition today for the fact she stays.

Sadly she will have to experience further hurt and disappointment from him before she will help herself.

She doesn’t want to attend al-anon, doesn’t want to move in with you…………as it’s said……more will be revealed, then hopefully she will make better choices.

I think you can set some boundaries for yourself with him and his drinking.
Show your daughter how it’s done by sticking to yours. You can say, I chose not to be around him when he has been drinking and is drunk, then leave if that is the case.

Alcoholics are not the only ones who seek out and need enablers…….codependents do as well. She is going to want you to play the game by her rules, go along with her program, stick around and tolerate it like she is doing and this is where “tuff love” will need to come in.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for you to go back to al-anon, give yourself an hour of quality mental health time each week and to help keep you strong in this situation.

((hugs))

Carrie2015

atalose,

What you say is true. His drinking did pre-date her injury. And yes, she tolerated it from the beginning. I guess we all think we are unique in thinking we can handle the drinking or believe they will stop. I know it took me a year to believe my relationship with an Alcoholic was beyond my control. I thought I was smart and educated enough to deal with it. LOL! I drove one particular friend to her limits with all my complaining but taking him back several times before I ended the relationship with "no contact" Damn, that was so hard! I am grateful she is still my friend!

atalose

Carrie,

Alot of us did that!! I look back on the 13 years I was in a toxic relationship and no matter who or how I wanted to blame...........at the end of the day it was only me looking back at me in that mirror.

I guess we all have to experience what we experience in order to learn and grow.

I'm glad my best friend is still there as well God only knows how many darn times she told me.........but she never did say......I told you so!!! guess thats why she's still here. lol

hopeful4

Some of my boundaries were:
No being home if you are drinking

No driving the children

No coming to events if he had been drinking. That was a big one that there was a lot of resistance to b/c he felt left out, but refused to stop drinking.

No spending money on booze when we need it for our home. If you want to drink, dig up your own funds.

Those were more rules. My own boundaries for myself:

I will not allow him to be drinking and act crazy around me or my children.

I will not engage if he has been drinking. What's the point? I had a big problem with wanting to talk about things, I finally realized it was a waste.

That I will not sit home just b/c he wants to sit home and drink. I still took my girls on trips, went camping, all sorts of things.

No more covering for him. He's a drunk. If someone asks me where he is, I would say, he is drinking and so he could not come. That was also a big one, but it set me free. No calling in for him, no lying that he does not feel good, etc.

Those things were for my own sanity.

Tight hugs. I hope you keep posting, isolation is a form of self abuse. We are here to support you!

PHIZ007

Hi Carrie

Not much to add to what's already been posted.

I am so glad you are here and I am so sorry to read of your troubles.
Wanted to add my support to everyone else's and help carry you along this path/ journey.

You sound like a strong supportive lovely Mum who wants the very best for her daughter. My heart goes out to you after reading your post.

Al Anon and SR keep me sane, I hope you will find strength and hope here as so many of us do.
Take care Phiz

Carrie2015

Thank you all so much. I am overwhelmed with your kindness and wisdom. The last two years, since the injury have been so difficult with E.R. visits, specialists, hospitalizations, etc, that I have not had much time for my feelings. I have been in mostly what I call, "soldier mode", where I go on automatic pilot and push away my feelings. This works in the short run, but not in the long run. Her boyfriend's drinking really was not the focus of my attention; keeping my daughter alive was my focus. I am sure he was drinking all through this, but I would not have noticed or really cared. He actually moved out for almost 9 months during this time; I was glad he was gone....but of course he is back and now the to-be-father of my grandson who is due in October.

My daughter's symptoms have greatly improved in the last few months. Comparing where we were last year is HUGE. She rarely has seizures now and that is the best news. Now that the Emergency Room visits and daily care taking has calmed down other things are coming to focus; his drinking.

After reading all your responses today, I talked with my daughter and told her how proud I was of all her triumphs over her injury and the work she is doing to heal. I also reminded her that her boyfriend was an alcoholic when she met him and if she wants to stay with him she will have to do the work to learn to live with an active alcoholic. I said she can't afford to be shocked or surprised by any behavior and I can't be the person to talk her down every time it happens. I told her that I won't be around any of his drinking...not even a beer with dinner. And I reminded her again, that if she decides to leave him, I will be there for her and her boy. She is my daughter forever.

I will keep writing

thanks everyone

hopeful4

I think that is great Carrie! You are one good momma! XXX