Feeling foolish
 

For as long as I can remember, I've been one of those people that was considered strong and could stand my ground. These days, you could probably knock me over with a feather. I'm feeling embarrassed and resentful. I posted some months back about how I kicked my ABF out and I was feeling SO empowered (albeit scared). Well, I've let him back in and the cycle is beginning again! I have no previous experience with addiction (although, I have LOTS of experience with dysfunction) and I feel so naive. We have a 4 month old daughter together and it's such a gray area and I don't know where the line is with an innocent child.

To back up a little bit: He is what I've been told a "High Functioning Alcoholic." He has a great job and just got promoted in December. He doesn't go the bar, does not drink until he blacks out (that I'm aware of), does not go and make bad decisions (sleeping around, driving drunk, again, that I'm AWARE of). He is helpful and kind, not abusive or mean in any way at all. With all of that being said, however, he does drink every single day. I've caught him drinking early in the morning (5am!) and throughout the night. He is extremely unhealthy...I've heard him vomiting in the bathroom in the morning and he claims that he "gags himself while brushing his teeth." He has vomited in our backyard and when I have confronted him about it, he denies it! He barely eats, yet he is about 50lbs overweight. I find stashes of beer EVERYWHERE! I'm also quite certain he drinks at work, yet he works alone most of the time so there is no one to catch him, so he goes to work whenever he feels like it and lies to me about it. He has broken promises so much that I don't know where I find it in my heart to even care for him anymore. I know he is manipulative and lies constantly. I'm guessing to protect his habit.

He still does not live with me or my girls (I have two older girls from a previous marriage). He is living with his mom. I KNOW that she is the worst enabler (although, I am probably no better). His family knows what is going on yet everyone just talks behind our backs and won't life a finger. I try to fire them up to do an intervention and they actually say that there is no use. NO USE! His mom watched her alcoholic brother drink himself to death and she is terrified of seeing her son do that same...I can understand that, but she cannot see that she is just prolonging the inevitable! I have grown resentful of his mother and of his family.

I live in a very rural area and there is no Alanon close by. Really. I am completely lost and feel stupid and used and foolish, but I don't know what else to do. I don't have much for family and I'm fighting to pay the bills and raise 3 girls on my own...it's hard not to let him back in and relieve some of the hurt. The problem is, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm tired of the lack of trust, of the disappointment and the constant stress. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I read that you are supposed to accept it and keep living your life...How do you do that?

Do you mean as in "keep on living with him"? I don't know that ANYONE here would tell you that you're "supposed to" stay w/an active A unless YOU determine that's what you want to do. You have every right to a healthy peaceful life and every right to do whatever it takes in order to get that for yourself and your kids.

It is often said here that "high functioning" is not a TYPE of A, it's a STAGE. And they're high-functioning until they're not--alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it WILL get worse as time goes on.

There are online and phone Alanon meetings if you'd care to check into that. And we are always here at SR--do as much reading as you can, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, and I think you'll learn a lot.

As far as help in making ends meet, I'll leave that type of suggestion to those here who know more about what kind of resources might be available to you.

Keep coming back--others have made it and you can too!

I would assume that with this great job of his--not to mention his negligible living expenses if he is living with his parents--he is paying substantial child support? If not, why not?

Having him back in the house will NOT "relieve the hurt"--it will only make you and your children MORE hurt, confused, frustrated, depressed, angry as he continues the progression of his drinking.

I second HP's suggestion that you grab whatever emotional support you can. And that includes sticking around here--this is a great forum with a lot of collective wisdom.

Hi welcome back. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Raising three children and being involved with an alcoholic is tough work. Since you two aren't living together I suggest you get a child support order for your youngest. Dating or not he is legally obligated to help support your baby. Make it legal.

Also make sure you are getting all of the assistance you may be entitled to. Medicaid or CHIP. Food stamps, utility assistance, housing assistance. Free or reduced lunches at school for the older ones.

To answer your last question here is the thing. You have no choice but to accept reality. Unless he wants it. Chances are huge he won't change. If you don't accept that you are keeping yourself mentally and emotionally trapped. The reality is you are a single mom of three kids. They are your reality. Take care of them and take care of yourself.

. I think that's one of the biggest realities I've been fighting against.

Wilderness.....I think that happybeingme is on the right track for you....

You need help with resources and opportunities in this life.......things that will develop you as a person and enable you to gain the resources that you need for raising a family.
That is what is supposed to bring you a solid sense of happiness and true freedom to enjoy life.
Bringing bad relationship material into your home will only make your misery deepen----even if he is the father of your youngest child. He can still make you more miserable than you already are!!!!
A good relationship would make your life better and enrich your life. You have been miserable for a long time, now...according to your posts.

I believe that you should check out the resources suggested by happybeingme. He should be providing for his child.
If he makes a child...he MUST provide for that child...at least, financially.....

Perhaps you could look into resources for further education.....and greater earning potential.
Maybe, moving from such a secluded environment would be advantageous for you and your family.

Without lots of family and community support----it is easier to be a single parent in a mo re urban environment that isolated out into the countryside (even if it is beautiful). Just the practical realities of life.....

If there are any churches inyour countryside--check to see if any of them have CelebrateRecovery program.....it could be of great emotional as well as practical resource for you.

Help is out there if you look.....Where there is a will there is a way....

(He is not the answer for you),

dandylion

I agree with all of the above, the only caveat is that I don't live here by choice. I live here to uphold the arrangement my ex-husband and I have in regards to my older children. Believe me, I'd live in a more urban area if I could! I'd move over to the west coast to be with the rest of my family.

I don't want to sound like I'm being hopeless or make it seems as though I will shoot down any suggestions...it's just that I have looked in to all of the assistance and I am just barely squeaking above the cutoff. I have a decent job, but being seasonal, it's a struggle. But it pays better, or at least about the same, as any other job around. I'm super close to getting a great promotion, but I have to keep plodding along.

I hear you on that..... I don't think it could hurt to re-examine that agreement with an attorney----there might be more "loopholes" than you realize. If the ability to provide a living for your children is severely compromised----perhaps you could be allowed to move to a less impoverished location....for the sake of the children. I have heard of other cases where the ban on moving has been lifted under certain circumstances.
Just, please, don't let this become an excuse to dig deeper into a no good relationship......

dandylion

It's a tough place to be in. I'm in the same boat right now. Hubby says he only drank once but not sure what to believe. He was only sober for 6 mos before this recent slip up. I chose to take my daughter and I'm pregnant and leave for the night. Last time I left for 3 wks. I came home and had a real heart to heart with him sober of course. There's no point talking to a drunk. U have to put ur kids above anything else. He said he was so hurt I left and I told him that I will protect my daughter and unborn child above all else. I don't want her around it and anytime it happens I will do the same and remove her from the situation.

But is HE paying you support? If not, what's the reason?

And yes, generally making a better life for yourself and your kids is something the courts will consider a good reason for relocation. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your ex, but I got to maintain quite a good relationship with my kids even though we lived halfway across the country from each other. Their dad and I split the cost of my coming out to see them, and he kept me updated on all their activities and other important details.

There is a huge back story in regards to my older kids and my ex. It's long and unbelievable at times, but it ends in me not being able to leave, simple as that. There aren't any loopholes and we definitely don't have a good relationship where he could be understanding and helpful. I really know how to pick 'em apparently. So I'm not just saying it to make excuses, that IS my reality right there. I am stuck here until my 9 year old graduates HS. But that is ok, I will do my best to work with it.

As far as support, he WILL be paying it soon. Honestly, he has been helping financially quite tremendously, but I don't know if he does it to manipulate, or if he truly is that nice of a person. Regardless, I am going to file for support.

I really am feeling relieved to be having this conversation with people who understand and who won't sugar coat. I am praying that I can stay strong this time. This has happened too much!

Well, it may very well be that you think it will bring more grief than help if you try to relocate, but legally it CAN be done in most cases, as long as it would be in the best interests of the children. But that's a decision only you can make, obviously. I just want to encourage you to think outside the box a little bit. Often the biggest barrier to making necessary changes in our lives is our own negativity--that we just "can't" do this or that. Sometimes, of course, there are good reasons for not pursuing various options, but it's important to consider ALL of them--even those that seem "impossible."

I've done a few "impossible" things in my life, and the sky hasn't fallen in. Even in the instances where I've made decisions that ultimately turned out to have not-so-great results, at least I tried, based on the best information that was available to me and using my best judgment (which of course isn't infallible).

And yes, do go for that child support. If he suddenly decides he doesn't want to be bothered anymore, your child still deserves the financial support of his/her father.

Just don't beat yourself up too much. It serves no purpose.

Now for more practical matters. Have you visited the websites of all the manufacturers that make the baby products you use? If you haven't do it. They can be a great source of coupons and samples. Also mambo sprouts offers coupon books for organics and Procter and gamble have a great website with coupons and samples. I have gotten coupons and samples for tide, prilosec, and I think it was luvs.

Don't forget if you shop a lot at Wal-Mart they always match prices if you have a circular to prove the price. Also your girls can help you with container gardening. A lot of produce can grow in a container. Also craigslist can be a great source for free diapers, baby formula, coupons, and even extra garden produce. Also talk to the manager of your local grocers produce department. You may be able to score less than perfect looking produce that you can use in baking or freeze for smoothies.

I do have two raised beds in my backyard that I have been prepping for planting! I'm excited to do that.

The hardest part for me is the loneliness. I'm not very social to begin with, but the people that I do bring in to my little circle I become very attached to. Losing someone in any capacity can be pretty devastating to me and I've just been selfishly giving him chance after chance because I struggle with how being by myself feels.

I have to ask, if anyone can help me with this...Is it worth saying anything to his family, more specifically his mother? Should I tell her what I see? Or would it serve no purpose?

You know. Moving isn't always the best thing to do anyway. You have the security of routine being where you are. Just keep sharing. Learn all you can about alcoholism and your own decision making processes. Take care of your girls and yourself the best you can.

I am glad you are here

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond :)

Wilderness.....please, understand that we only know bits and pieces of the details of your life and situation. We are just making suggestions.....SUGGESTIONS ( not orders......LOL!!) in hopes of hitting on on something to help you. We, who have been in similar shoes to you really do want to help, if we can.....

I think that identifying that lonliness is at the heart of your pain is a very important point that you have identified.
Now, here is something that "we" can work with!! Yea!
By the way....being in an unsatisfying relationship is the lonlinessest a person can be, in my opinion. It is far worse than being a single mom!

Hon....you need to make connections with other people......
There are ways of doing that.....

This forum can help you...if you are open to exploring that....

I was the single mother of three small children for several years....and I was far less lonely than during my marriage to their father.

dandylion

P.S. You can talk to his mother if you want to...but, I wouldn't get my hopes up high that it will do any good......