Feeling guilty.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Feeling guilty.
I bumped into a very old friend a few days ago, haven't seen him in about 16 years and we exchanged numbers. We stopped being friends as ex A didn't like him and always thought he had a thing for me. During our first separation and at the time we were talking about getting back together and trying to work things out I kissed my friend on a night out, I told ex a as I felt so guilty and we moved on. I decided to stop being friends with the guy as ex a didn't like him and I didn't want him to worry that anything could happen between us again if I was with him.
Anyway we exchanged numbers the other day. He texted me later that night saying I looked great and mentioned he always had a thing for me and said about going for a drink. I suggested a coffee, much less date like and I thought if anyone saw us and it got back to ex A it wouldn't seem like a date.
Anyway I began to feel really guilty even about considering going for a coffee and being friends again as I know ex A doesn't like him and may not like it!!
I know I don't know what he would think and I know it doesn't matter what he thinks he certainly hasn't given any consideration to my feelings during our marriage or even before. But why do I feel so guilty and how do I overcome this.
Part of me thinks I was supposed to bump into him and this could be the start of me trying to move on with my life, doing new things etc
I would like to meet up with him, as a friend, he was a really good friend to me during our friendship and supported me through some very difficult times with ex A. Am I overthinking things? Should I just go for it?
Anyway we exchanged numbers the other day. He texted me later that night saying I looked great and mentioned he always had a thing for me and said about going for a drink. I suggested a coffee, much less date like and I thought if anyone saw us and it got back to ex A it wouldn't seem like a date.
Anyway I began to feel really guilty even about considering going for a coffee and being friends again as I know ex A doesn't like him and may not like it!!
I know I don't know what he would think and I know it doesn't matter what he thinks he certainly hasn't given any consideration to my feelings during our marriage or even before. But why do I feel so guilty and how do I overcome this.
Part of me thinks I was supposed to bump into him and this could be the start of me trying to move on with my life, doing new things etc
I would like to meet up with him, as a friend, he was a really good friend to me during our friendship and supported me through some very difficult times with ex A. Am I overthinking things? Should I just go for it?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Go! It is just coffee. Who cares what the ex thinks. Sincerely.
Have you considered the possibility that your ex doesn't care about what you are doing and won't think anything at all? Don't hold yourself back from living on the off chance the ex might care.
Have you considered the possibility that your ex doesn't care about what you are doing and won't think anything at all? Don't hold yourself back from living on the off chance the ex might care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Go for coffee! Have fun!
Your husband has obviously preyed on your weaknesses in the past and you have become accustomed to blaming yourself and stifling your true needs and feelings to appease him at the expense of things you want to do and things that you need.
Give yourself permission to be happy. You don't need it from your husband.
Your husband has obviously preyed on your weaknesses in the past and you have become accustomed to blaming yourself and stifling your true needs and feelings to appease him at the expense of things you want to do and things that you need.
Give yourself permission to be happy. You don't need it from your husband.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Absolutely go. Just make it clear that you aren't ready to "start something" right now, and that your head is still spinning from the last relationship. He needs to "get that" or you are risking getting hurt right off the bat (not a good thing).
I wouldn't give a second thought (I know it isn't always possible to control "thoughts" but you can work on not taking certain ones seriously) to your ex's reaction, if any. Let's face it, where your head's at right now, you're likely to feel guilty if he were to be hurt or angry and to feel depressed if he were indifferent or happy for you. So he shouldn't enter into the equation AT ALL. You're working on what is good for BUTTERFLY, independent of the past.
Hugs,
I wouldn't give a second thought (I know it isn't always possible to control "thoughts" but you can work on not taking certain ones seriously) to your ex's reaction, if any. Let's face it, where your head's at right now, you're likely to feel guilty if he were to be hurt or angry and to feel depressed if he were indifferent or happy for you. So he shouldn't enter into the equation AT ALL. You're working on what is good for BUTTERFLY, independent of the past.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
If I knew the Ex didn't like the person I'd rent a billboard and put a pic of us on it!
Seriously - while I understand things were crossing the line a bit with this person when you were married he is also a representation of what you had to give up to make XAH happy. You are now free to be friends with whomever you choose. Yay!!
Really, do you care what your XAH thinks? Are your plans to go through life appeasing the wants of a ghost?
More importantly I would like to know how your XAH showed you the same consideration or has since you have been split. What things has he done that were a sacrifice for himself to make things easier on you? Zero. If he wanted to meet a female or go on a date (not saying he is) do you think he would NOT because it might upset YOU? I don't think so!!!!!
Meet your friend. Have fun. Set boundaries up front if you aren't ready to date or be romantic.
Stop worrying about what your XAH thinks.
Seriously - while I understand things were crossing the line a bit with this person when you were married he is also a representation of what you had to give up to make XAH happy. You are now free to be friends with whomever you choose. Yay!!
Really, do you care what your XAH thinks? Are your plans to go through life appeasing the wants of a ghost?
More importantly I would like to know how your XAH showed you the same consideration or has since you have been split. What things has he done that were a sacrifice for himself to make things easier on you? Zero. If he wanted to meet a female or go on a date (not saying he is) do you think he would NOT because it might upset YOU? I don't think so!!!!!
Meet your friend. Have fun. Set boundaries up front if you aren't ready to date or be romantic.
Stop worrying about what your XAH thinks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
B, I think you're feeling guilty because you still see yourself as His Wife and are in the process of letting go of all that. I am betting that having coffee with this other person will help you along your way of accepting that your marriage is over, and of finding out who Butterfly is when she is not defined as someone else's wife, mother, daughter, whatever, but just as Butterfly.
Muscle through the guilt this time if you can, B.
Muscle through the guilt this time if you can, B.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Red-A, you crack me up!!!
Go for it! Your ex is an EX and as has been mentioned if he found a woman he would run a red light in a hospital zone to get to her and not give two craps in a hat what you thought. Did he care what you thought about his drinking? Nope.
Not to be morbid, but we have a finite number of years for this life. Don't waste another minute on this guy. Live your life!!!
Go for it! Your ex is an EX and as has been mentioned if he found a woman he would run a red light in a hospital zone to get to her and not give two craps in a hat what you thought. Did he care what you thought about his drinking? Nope.
Not to be morbid, but we have a finite number of years for this life. Don't waste another minute on this guy. Live your life!!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone.
Yes I have considered that he doesn't think anything about me at all, I've been trying to come to terms with this. His behaviour since he left and yes while we were together didn't show any consideration for me at all. He did what he wanted when he wanted no thought or concern.
Lexie, he knows I'm not long out of my marriage and I've made it clear I don't want to date or be in a relationship. And your right no matter how he reacted I'd feel guilty or depressed and it should be about what I want now I spent too many years doing what he wanted.
Sparklekitty, yes I do still see myself as his wife, that's been my identity for so long but I do need to move on from that I'm not his wife anymore except legally but that will change hopefully very soon.
Hawkeye, yes I think it may be a nudge to get back out their and start living. I've had a few recently I'm even going away fro the night by myself. DS is in a sports competition and it's an overnight. I wouldn't miss seeing him in the comp for the world so although he will be there with his team, I'm going down and will stay over as its a long journey. I wouldn't spend the money just for me as I would always worry it would be more useful on something else but to support DS I wouldn't think twice. I'm looking forward to a night away by myself, lazing in a hotel for a night.
Red you made me laugh so hard lol. everything you said was spot on and as I've already said he didn't show me any consideration and still hasn't since he walked.
Maybear thank you I do need to give myself permission to have some fun.
Thank you rolltide, yes very slow.
Yes I have considered that he doesn't think anything about me at all, I've been trying to come to terms with this. His behaviour since he left and yes while we were together didn't show any consideration for me at all. He did what he wanted when he wanted no thought or concern.
Lexie, he knows I'm not long out of my marriage and I've made it clear I don't want to date or be in a relationship. And your right no matter how he reacted I'd feel guilty or depressed and it should be about what I want now I spent too many years doing what he wanted.
Sparklekitty, yes I do still see myself as his wife, that's been my identity for so long but I do need to move on from that I'm not his wife anymore except legally but that will change hopefully very soon.
Hawkeye, yes I think it may be a nudge to get back out their and start living. I've had a few recently I'm even going away fro the night by myself. DS is in a sports competition and it's an overnight. I wouldn't miss seeing him in the comp for the world so although he will be there with his team, I'm going down and will stay over as its a long journey. I wouldn't spend the money just for me as I would always worry it would be more useful on something else but to support DS I wouldn't think twice. I'm looking forward to a night away by myself, lazing in a hotel for a night.
Red you made me laugh so hard lol. everything you said was spot on and as I've already said he didn't show me any consideration and still hasn't since he walked.
Maybear thank you I do need to give myself permission to have some fun.
Thank you rolltide, yes very slow.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Definitely GO! Have fun! It will be great for you self esteem and ego. You deserve to be pampered and treated like the precious jewel you are! And please your A didn't care what you thought or what you wanted ever! Stop thinking about him and his needs (much easier for me to say than to do) Please go and have fun! I like your idea of coffee, just because it will be less stress and if you don't have fun you can say you have to be somewhere. I'm so excited for you!!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
We were talking yesterday and a few things he said has me a little worried.
He took cannabis for 10 years been off it 9 now he gave it up as it stopped having any effect and now he's just grumpy naturally
He told me he always thought I'd be great in bed, then when I didn't respond to it he apologised and said please don't take offence
He offered to come with me to my friends barbecue last night as it was all couples, ok he was maybe being nice but maybe a bit full on
Asked several times if I wanted to call to his house after my friends
Said he was looking forward to meeting up with me and when I didn't say the same back asked was I not looking forward to it a little bit.?
Ok I know I may be over thinking things and he may just be being nice but some of his comments made me a little uncomfortable and thinking he's wanting more than coffee. I've made it clear I'm still reeling from ex A
He took cannabis for 10 years been off it 9 now he gave it up as it stopped having any effect and now he's just grumpy naturally
He told me he always thought I'd be great in bed, then when I didn't respond to it he apologised and said please don't take offence
He offered to come with me to my friends barbecue last night as it was all couples, ok he was maybe being nice but maybe a bit full on
Asked several times if I wanted to call to his house after my friends
Said he was looking forward to meeting up with me and when I didn't say the same back asked was I not looking forward to it a little bit.?
Ok I know I may be over thinking things and he may just be being nice but some of his comments made me a little uncomfortable and thinking he's wanting more than coffee. I've made it clear I'm still reeling from ex A
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
"He told me he always thought I'd be great in bed, then when I didn't respond to it he apologised and said please don't take offence"
IMHO sounds like he's interested in more than coffee...and not interested in waiting around for it, either.
IMHO sounds like he's interested in more than coffee...and not interested in waiting around for it, either.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hmmmm... Could be testing the waters? Idk... Maybe give him another chance but if he gets pushy or needy sounding again or makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, you owe him nothing and can put a stop. It's YOUR choice. Isn't that freeing to know that!?
thank you refiner.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Just because you aren't ready mentally to have a relationship doesn't mean you can't go out and get flirty and perhaps have a roll in the hay with no serious future.
A friend with benefit might be a nice bit of ego booster.
A friend with benefit might be a nice bit of ego booster.
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