Rough night - need ESH
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Rough night - need ESH
rough night with AH last night. I only got about 1 1/2 hours of sleep...he got drunk, started lecturing me about what I did wrong that night...he went out and bought more beer...he started to tell me about it, but I just said, "whatever, you don't need my permission, it's your choice"...he said I had an attitude. When he drinks it doesn't matter what I do, how I say it, when I say it; it's never "right" for him. I have been reading "Why Does He Do That - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft and I can relate to it...I am only at the beginning of the book, but it has made me realize that he is trying to control me...trying to turn things around so I am the "bad guy" (at least that is how I feel). During his rant I can only sit there and listen, I cannot have a conversation...he says I am interrupting him..So I just listen to his crazy talk...I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I have a valid reason for being upset with his drinking. He just got a DWI two weeks ago...by day 7 of sobriety he went to his cousin's house and got drunk, didn't come home that night...said he wasn't going to drive, come to find out he actually did drive that night...but he didn't come home...he doesn't know that I figured this out...so now on top of the drinking there are the lies...he always told me that he said the truth, but alcoholics tend to lie, yes? He is still in denial that he even has a problem.
I have looked at apartments in the last three months. I looked at a rental home the other day...now I need to continue the search...do I stay in the neighborhood where my son goes to school or move in another part of the city, but remain in the same school district...at least get away from him? My one son is in Kindergarten and my other son is in preschool, will be going to Kindergarten next year. In our city we have a lot of elementary schools, so just one mile would be in a different school territory....sorry for the rambling..I am extremely tired...
I have looked at apartments in the last three months. I looked at a rental home the other day...now I need to continue the search...do I stay in the neighborhood where my son goes to school or move in another part of the city, but remain in the same school district...at least get away from him? My one son is in Kindergarten and my other son is in preschool, will be going to Kindergarten next year. In our city we have a lot of elementary schools, so just one mile would be in a different school territory....sorry for the rambling..I am extremely tired...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Controlling men (usually) continue to try and control even if you leave.
[Controlling women do too--not gender specific]
My advice, as I said in another thread, is to move as far and inconveniently away from him as possible so that you have a better chance of him leaving you alone.
Even then, don't be surprised if he drives by, comes over unexpectedly, or just generally stalks you.
I suggest you don't make it easy for him to do so.
[Controlling women do too--not gender specific]
My advice, as I said in another thread, is to move as far and inconveniently away from him as possible so that you have a better chance of him leaving you alone.
Even then, don't be surprised if he drives by, comes over unexpectedly, or just generally stalks you.
I suggest you don't make it easy for him to do so.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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What Hawkeye said. If you could get a restraining order also that would be great. From what I understand, they can be hard to get. The kids will adapt and make new friends. You all need the piece and security of not living with such a sick man.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
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We had talked about before how your kids are young enough to withstand the move to a different school district.
My advice to you is to move as far away as you can, putting your kids in a new school is the least of your concerns right now.
Stay safe and get your own place ASAP. He is spiraling and you nor your children should be around that.
Why in the world should you have to endure his verbal abuse one second longer. He is not ready to give up his drinking. End of story.
My advice to you is to move as far away as you can, putting your kids in a new school is the least of your concerns right now.
Stay safe and get your own place ASAP. He is spiraling and you nor your children should be around that.
Why in the world should you have to endure his verbal abuse one second longer. He is not ready to give up his drinking. End of story.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Move as far away from him as is possible. Change school districts. NOW is the time. Your children are NOT invested in any school at their age - that is no excuse! We've already talked to you about that. Get out asap because this is only going to escalate. I am worried for you!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Alcoholics do tend to lie about their drinking habits yes, but it doesn't mean they lie about everything.
Your husband is showing increased signs of possible volitility. Keeping someone up so you can spew your garbage is very disconcerting. You are correct he is not interested in your opinion and could care less about how his drinking is affecting you. My guess is he senses discontent and disapproval. Not engaging works when the other party is happy with no engagement - yours in not.
While I understand not wanting to upset the apple cart more by not changing school districts what is most important is that your children and you are in a safe and calm environment. I don't imagine that all this midnight talk with a drunkard is done in quiet tones. My parents argued infrequently in front of us. Of course they had their exchanges. Some of it was done late at night when the house was quiet as a pin. They would not be yelling. You better believe we all knew it and were listening at 2 am. As I child I could sense something was wrong whether I knew what it was or not.
Given the history with the biological father of your children I think you need to put some serious and fast consideration into what needs to be done. If the Ex gets wind of whats going on - and he will eventually - you might have more than just a drunk to deal with.
If it were me I'd look to be moving in a gated community. My preference would be a condominium with a door person as they are more secure.
No way in hell would I move down the street.
Your husband is showing increased signs of possible volitility. Keeping someone up so you can spew your garbage is very disconcerting. You are correct he is not interested in your opinion and could care less about how his drinking is affecting you. My guess is he senses discontent and disapproval. Not engaging works when the other party is happy with no engagement - yours in not.
While I understand not wanting to upset the apple cart more by not changing school districts what is most important is that your children and you are in a safe and calm environment. I don't imagine that all this midnight talk with a drunkard is done in quiet tones. My parents argued infrequently in front of us. Of course they had their exchanges. Some of it was done late at night when the house was quiet as a pin. They would not be yelling. You better believe we all knew it and were listening at 2 am. As I child I could sense something was wrong whether I knew what it was or not.
Given the history with the biological father of your children I think you need to put some serious and fast consideration into what needs to be done. If the Ex gets wind of whats going on - and he will eventually - you might have more than just a drunk to deal with.
If it were me I'd look to be moving in a gated community. My preference would be a condominium with a door person as they are more secure.
No way in hell would I move down the street.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
(((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry.
Knowing what I know right now, I would do whatever made the most sense FOR ME... safety-wise, financially & otherwise.
The boys are very young & will absolutely adapt to any changes in schools. There's such a big change between KDG & 1st grade that it feels like a new school to them anyway, if it helps to think about it that way.
Knowing what I know right now, I would do whatever made the most sense FOR ME... safety-wise, financially & otherwise.
The boys are very young & will absolutely adapt to any changes in schools. There's such a big change between KDG & 1st grade that it feels like a new school to them anyway, if it helps to think about it that way.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh my friend. Worrying about your very young and resilient children having to adjust to a new school while you are being verbally and emotionally abused every evening by an alcoholic who has no interest in changing is a little like worrying about how to paint the dining room when your house is on fire.
You are in the middle of a crisis. It's so hard to see when it becomes par for the course, but you need to deal with safety first.
You are in the middle of a crisis. It's so hard to see when it becomes par for the course, but you need to deal with safety first.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by atalose 
Are you hoping to receive different answers then you got the other day when you asked the same thing?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sad......you are being abused. Your husband is using a form of torture that is commonly used on prisoners of war.
What he is doing is very wrong. He has no right to do so.
You are in need o f legal advice and immediate practical help in removing yourself and your children from the abuse.
I believe that you have allowed your EX husband to become a paper tiger--in your mind.
This is why you need the advice of others who are ready and able to help you.
Living in a situation, such as the one that you are in right now----it messes with your emotions---your self esteem and confidence. It is sometimes hard to think logically and to know what to do.
The right thing to do is to remove yourself and the kids from this abuse. Their school district is a very minor consideration compared to the danger and damage from the daily chaos and abuse. Abuse always gets worse--so who knows where this would end.
I am reassuring you that this is the right thing for you to do!!!!!
Please listen to those of u s who have been where you have been...and, have your best interest at heart.
dandylion
What he is doing is very wrong. He has no right to do so.
You are in need o f legal advice and immediate practical help in removing yourself and your children from the abuse.
I believe that you have allowed your EX husband to become a paper tiger--in your mind.
This is why you need the advice of others who are ready and able to help you.
Living in a situation, such as the one that you are in right now----it messes with your emotions---your self esteem and confidence. It is sometimes hard to think logically and to know what to do.
The right thing to do is to remove yourself and the kids from this abuse. Their school district is a very minor consideration compared to the danger and damage from the daily chaos and abuse. Abuse always gets worse--so who knows where this would end.
I am reassuring you that this is the right thing for you to do!!!!!
Please listen to those of u s who have been where you have been...and, have your best interest at heart.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Alcoholics do tend to lie about their drinking habits yes, but it doesn't mean they lie about everything.
Your husband is showing increased signs of possible volitility. Keeping someone up so you can spew your garbage is very disconcerting. You are correct he is not interested in your opinion and could care less about how his drinking is affecting you. My guess is he senses discontent and disapproval. Not engaging works when the other party is happy with no engagement - yours in not.
While I understand not wanting to upset the apple cart more by not changing school districts what is most important is that your children and you are in a safe and calm environment. I don't imagine that all this midnight talk with a drunkard is done in quiet tones. My parents argued infrequently in front of us. Of course they had their exchanges. Some of it was done late at night when the house was quiet as a pin. They would not be yelling. You better believe we all knew it and were listening at 2 am. As I child I could sense something was wrong whether I knew what it was or not.
Given the history with the biological father of your children I think you need to put some serious and fast consideration into what needs to be done. If the Ex gets wind of whats going on - and he will eventually - you might have more than just a drunk to deal with.
If it were me I'd look to be moving in a gated community. My preference would be a condominium with a door person as they are more secure.
No way in hell would I move down the street.
Your husband is showing increased signs of possible volitility. Keeping someone up so you can spew your garbage is very disconcerting. You are correct he is not interested in your opinion and could care less about how his drinking is affecting you. My guess is he senses discontent and disapproval. Not engaging works when the other party is happy with no engagement - yours in not.
While I understand not wanting to upset the apple cart more by not changing school districts what is most important is that your children and you are in a safe and calm environment. I don't imagine that all this midnight talk with a drunkard is done in quiet tones. My parents argued infrequently in front of us. Of course they had their exchanges. Some of it was done late at night when the house was quiet as a pin. They would not be yelling. You better believe we all knew it and were listening at 2 am. As I child I could sense something was wrong whether I knew what it was or not.
Given the history with the biological father of your children I think you need to put some serious and fast consideration into what needs to be done. If the Ex gets wind of whats going on - and he will eventually - you might have more than just a drunk to deal with.
If it were me I'd look to be moving in a gated community. My preference would be a condominium with a door person as they are more secure.
No way in hell would I move down the street.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
So sorry you have to go through all that pain. Yep, they can get pretty nasty, especially when they drink to gain courage to tell you stuff that they would never even dare when sober. It seems that you are at the same point I was some 2-3 weeks ago. Now, the good news is that there is a way out. But you need to take care of yourself, to sleep, to rest, to eat well, all that to be able to think clearly.
Ask yourself, how fast can you move out. Believe me, once you start the process, it is a piece of cake.
And about his denial . . . may I give you a different perspective? You see, my husband reminds me a lot of yours. But this is not denial. He knows he is an alcoholic, he knows he spends a lot on booze, he knows how annoyed I am, yet he will DELIBERATELY pick fights and provoke my reaction to justify his drinking. He will repeat the same insult and dare me to slap him. He simply has to make me look bad. But you really can control yourself and not give him what he wants. What my husband probably has not realized yet is that the attempt to control actually backfired big time.
So, if you are able and when he is away, get some good sleep. Then let the plan unfold.
Ask yourself, how fast can you move out. Believe me, once you start the process, it is a piece of cake.
And about his denial . . . may I give you a different perspective? You see, my husband reminds me a lot of yours. But this is not denial. He knows he is an alcoholic, he knows he spends a lot on booze, he knows how annoyed I am, yet he will DELIBERATELY pick fights and provoke my reaction to justify his drinking. He will repeat the same insult and dare me to slap him. He simply has to make me look bad. But you really can control yourself and not give him what he wants. What my husband probably has not realized yet is that the attempt to control actually backfired big time.
So, if you are able and when he is away, get some good sleep. Then let the plan unfold.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Sleep deprivation was one of my ex's favorite weapons. So sorry you experienced that. Sending tons of hugs and support your way.
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Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hey Sad - my youngest, who is 8, hates it when voices are raised. It is usually a heated argument with our teenager that sparks the fire; however, she too walks around to hug everyone and tell everyone she loves them.
It is pretty heartbreaking
My husband and I have noted this and work really really hard to keep our lids on the frustration.
I can't imagine living like this on a daily basis.
I hope you and the boys can find a safe place to live soon.
It is pretty heartbreaking
My husband and I have noted this and work really really hard to keep our lids on the frustration.
I can't imagine living like this on a daily basis.
I hope you and the boys can find a safe place to live soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadinTexas......You do not "have to take it". There are ways to escape it and prevent him from ever doing it again. You live in dallas, I believe....
Help is a phone call away......
Talk to the people who are there to h elp you.....
dandylion
Help is a phone call away......
Talk to the people who are there to h elp you.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
First ((( hug )))
I do not know your posting history so will defer to the previous posters about the danger.
My experience is that after I filed for divorce my husband went off the rails as well. He wasn't controlling or a danger in general but he did get crazy for a bit. There were nights like you describe when I didn't say a single word and he just went on and on for hours. It was awful and I'm so sorry you and your children are going through that.
That was over 5 years ago. My kids were 3yo, 3yo, 8yo, and 10yo. With hindsight I have some thoughts to share with you. Those nights caused as much emotional damage to my children (and myself) as all the years prior combined. Not leaving or making him leave is among my top regrets surrounding that time and I have many regrets to choose from.
The process of separation also resulted in a change of school for my older kids - and that was the very least of their problems. The chaos in their home caused them a hundred times more problems than the switch in schools. At your kids' age a new school will barely register. One of my other regrets was allowing them to spend time with him when I should not have. I was still in so much fog and denial that I just didn't see how awful it was. I wish I would have - it would have saved my children a lot of emotional hardships.
Wishing you peace and strength and courage to do what is right for you. Believe that protecting yourself *is* protecting your kids. You are not harming your kids by taking care of yourself - quite the opposite actually. Love yourself, make a safe place for you - and you are giving your kids the biggest gift you can possible give them.
At this moment the reality is that he is not safe, he is not loving, he is not parenting. He is drunk, he is unpredictable and unreliable, he is volatile, and he is a threat to the emotional (and it sounds like possibly physical) safety of you and your children. Those are the facts. Emotional and physical safety is more important than anything else. I know the fog can make that difficult to see so I'm shining a light on them - right now - and offering love and hope that you can and you will get through this dark period and there is a better life waiting for you.
I do not know your posting history so will defer to the previous posters about the danger.
My experience is that after I filed for divorce my husband went off the rails as well. He wasn't controlling or a danger in general but he did get crazy for a bit. There were nights like you describe when I didn't say a single word and he just went on and on for hours. It was awful and I'm so sorry you and your children are going through that.
That was over 5 years ago. My kids were 3yo, 3yo, 8yo, and 10yo. With hindsight I have some thoughts to share with you. Those nights caused as much emotional damage to my children (and myself) as all the years prior combined. Not leaving or making him leave is among my top regrets surrounding that time and I have many regrets to choose from.
The process of separation also resulted in a change of school for my older kids - and that was the very least of their problems. The chaos in their home caused them a hundred times more problems than the switch in schools. At your kids' age a new school will barely register. One of my other regrets was allowing them to spend time with him when I should not have. I was still in so much fog and denial that I just didn't see how awful it was. I wish I would have - it would have saved my children a lot of emotional hardships.
Wishing you peace and strength and courage to do what is right for you. Believe that protecting yourself *is* protecting your kids. You are not harming your kids by taking care of yourself - quite the opposite actually. Love yourself, make a safe place for you - and you are giving your kids the biggest gift you can possible give them.
At this moment the reality is that he is not safe, he is not loving, he is not parenting. He is drunk, he is unpredictable and unreliable, he is volatile, and he is a threat to the emotional (and it sounds like possibly physical) safety of you and your children. Those are the facts. Emotional and physical safety is more important than anything else. I know the fog can make that difficult to see so I'm shining a light on them - right now - and offering love and hope that you can and you will get through this dark period and there is a better life waiting for you.
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