I Set a Deadline
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I Set a Deadline
I haven't been on in forever! Long story short, both computers in my home crashed, my phone is too finicky, and I have acquired a stalker. My xabf's ex wife seems to think he cheated on her with me. I know for a fact this didn't happen, but I can't help but feel for her at this point. She is literally driving herself crazy and is in FULL codie mode! She has hired a Private Investigator to follow me, she has fake FB profiles and is taking things from my page. She messages him about me, calling me all sorts of names in the book, AND says that he is under investigation (he is military; affairs can get military personnel discharged, and she wants to do that to him), and she says that I am going to have to testify in court.....? Idk... but her behavior has me more worried than his alcoholic nonsense!
In a weird way, I don't blame her for her hurt, but her actions are extreme. Yikes!
In other news... I had decided the day after SuperBowl this year to give up drinking myself. Not that I felt I had a problem. Except, here it is just 100 days later, and oh my!!!!! I am pretty sure I qualify for a future alcoholic. I NEVER expected to have cravings or dreams about alcohol, or to have moments where I literally have had to talk myself out of a drink. CRAZY! I am sure, however, that it is nowhere near what most alcoholics face. But, I am still chuckin along, day by day, determined to change what has plagued my life and my family history. At any rate, I am now reading a great 12 step approach book and am playing around with the idea of joining some sort of support group.
I am still in contact with my xabf. He has deployed... finally. For four months up until this point he did all the excuses in the book as to why he couldn't start recovery, and that ended with the idea that he'll be able to sober up while deployed because it will be hard to drink where he is going.
That was almost two weeks ago, and he has been living in the airport because he missed his original flight because he was too hungover to wake up and catch his plane. (He had to fly to another state to catch a connecting flight. He made the first flight, stayed in a hotel, and then missed the next flight.) I didn't give him flack about it. He knew I knew, and he admitted it to me. Poor thing KNOWS he has a problem and sees the mess it is causing. He has one side of the coin. Now he just has to admit he is powerless and cannot control it. My guess is that his higher ups in command have an idea of why he missed his flight and let him be virtually homeless in that airport for two weeks to teach him a lesson.
At any rate, this is it. I have explained to him that while I understand that alcohol is crazy and that quitting is a huge step and it is scary... that I am willing to wait on it for a little bit to give him time... to allow him to have this one last "lie" that this deployment will actually help him get a kick start on sobriety.... While I have said all of that to him, I made it clear that this is it. This is my timeline. If he doesn't check in somewhere and start working steps when he gets back then this is goodbye.
I have no illusions about what he is doing. He is just fooling himself to think that I actually believe he won't be able to drink on deployment. I have no illusions about what it will mean to let him go. I still have my dreams. I have already readjusted my near-future goals to NOT include him. And I am well aware that love still exists beyond this relationship, even though it all seemed so serendipitous.
He's still a good guy in my book. I really just want to let him go while he is still a good guy in my book.
Anyway... peace to all my SR friends! Thanx for reading!
In a weird way, I don't blame her for her hurt, but her actions are extreme. Yikes!
In other news... I had decided the day after SuperBowl this year to give up drinking myself. Not that I felt I had a problem. Except, here it is just 100 days later, and oh my!!!!! I am pretty sure I qualify for a future alcoholic. I NEVER expected to have cravings or dreams about alcohol, or to have moments where I literally have had to talk myself out of a drink. CRAZY! I am sure, however, that it is nowhere near what most alcoholics face. But, I am still chuckin along, day by day, determined to change what has plagued my life and my family history. At any rate, I am now reading a great 12 step approach book and am playing around with the idea of joining some sort of support group.
I am still in contact with my xabf. He has deployed... finally. For four months up until this point he did all the excuses in the book as to why he couldn't start recovery, and that ended with the idea that he'll be able to sober up while deployed because it will be hard to drink where he is going.
That was almost two weeks ago, and he has been living in the airport because he missed his original flight because he was too hungover to wake up and catch his plane. (He had to fly to another state to catch a connecting flight. He made the first flight, stayed in a hotel, and then missed the next flight.) I didn't give him flack about it. He knew I knew, and he admitted it to me. Poor thing KNOWS he has a problem and sees the mess it is causing. He has one side of the coin. Now he just has to admit he is powerless and cannot control it. My guess is that his higher ups in command have an idea of why he missed his flight and let him be virtually homeless in that airport for two weeks to teach him a lesson.
At any rate, this is it. I have explained to him that while I understand that alcohol is crazy and that quitting is a huge step and it is scary... that I am willing to wait on it for a little bit to give him time... to allow him to have this one last "lie" that this deployment will actually help him get a kick start on sobriety.... While I have said all of that to him, I made it clear that this is it. This is my timeline. If he doesn't check in somewhere and start working steps when he gets back then this is goodbye.
I have no illusions about what he is doing. He is just fooling himself to think that I actually believe he won't be able to drink on deployment. I have no illusions about what it will mean to let him go. I still have my dreams. I have already readjusted my near-future goals to NOT include him. And I am well aware that love still exists beyond this relationship, even though it all seemed so serendipitous.
He's still a good guy in my book. I really just want to let him go while he is still a good guy in my book.
Anyway... peace to all my SR friends! Thanx for reading!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on all the positive changes in your life, lemongirl!
As for the ex-wife? What she is doing is not only extreme, it borders on illegal. If it were me, I would consider filing a restraining order.
As for the ex-wife? What she is doing is not only extreme, it borders on illegal. If it were me, I would consider filing a restraining order.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I'm confused. The ex-wife thinks he cheated on her with you? Why does the ex wife believe he is in a relationship with her? Either she is stark raving mad and delusional or he gave her the impression that he was interested in connecting with her.
Sounds like the A crazy train is rolling down the tracks and creating chaos and confusion and if you unravel you most likely find your XA at te controls.
Sounds like the A crazy train is rolling down the tracks and creating chaos and confusion and if you unravel you most likely find your XA at te controls.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
She is literally driving herself crazy and is in FULL codie mode! She has hired a Private Investigator to follow me, she has fake FB profiles and is taking things from my page. She messages him about me, calling me all sorts of names in the book, AND says that he is under investigation (he is military; affairs can get military personnel discharged, and she wants to do that to him), and she says that I am going to have to testify in court.....?
Quack. It sounds like she is what mental health professionals call "cuckoobananas" (that being the technical term, of course). The military doesn't care. They have enough to do without pursuing the paranoid ravings of a bitter, divorced lunatic. Especially given the fact that he's deployed right now. If they were still married, or he had cheated with another service member, then the chain of command MIGHT follow up.
My ex's new wife likes to make weird legalistic threats like this. I don't know what she thinks she's going to accomplish. Most people around her have pretty much learned to ignore it.
What is it with these crazed codies? Someone should tell them to go to an Alanon meeting, lol.
Sounds like you're holding up well LG. Good to hear from you.
Quack. It sounds like she is what mental health professionals call "cuckoobananas" (that being the technical term, of course). The military doesn't care. They have enough to do without pursuing the paranoid ravings of a bitter, divorced lunatic. Especially given the fact that he's deployed right now. If they were still married, or he had cheated with another service member, then the chain of command MIGHT follow up.
My ex's new wife likes to make weird legalistic threats like this. I don't know what she thinks she's going to accomplish. Most people around her have pretty much learned to ignore it.
What is it with these crazed codies? Someone should tell them to go to an Alanon meeting, lol.
Sounds like you're holding up well LG. Good to hear from you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Yeah, the ex wife sounds a few fries short of a happy meal. She's an ex. even if you had been the other woman it doesn't matter anymore. She is a perfect example of why groups like this are so important to the healing process of moving on.
Well done getting proactive about your drinking and keeping him out of your positive steps! You just gotta nip these things in the bud.
I'm surprised the military didn't open up a can on him for being hungover and missing his flight. We had a guy in my unit do that. I was navy so when you missed the ships* movement it was seeeeerious. The guy from my unit lost money, rank and got put into rehab.
*only submarines are referred to as boats. Everything else is a ship or carrier. Just some trivia for your next game show appearance.
Well done getting proactive about your drinking and keeping him out of your positive steps! You just gotta nip these things in the bud.
I'm surprised the military didn't open up a can on him for being hungover and missing his flight. We had a guy in my unit do that. I was navy so when you missed the ships* movement it was seeeeerious. The guy from my unit lost money, rank and got put into rehab.
*only submarines are referred to as boats. Everything else is a ship or carrier. Just some trivia for your next game show appearance.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Haha!!! Oh my... a few fries short? That's funny!
I do feel for her though. I am sure that his version of what events took place are different than he version.
And I did in a roundabout way make it know to her that she is codependent and needs help. I made everything on my FB private except for one post suggesting to her that she needs help and that I don't blame her along with a great article on codependency.
Ad for him... talked to him for the first time since deployment and wow does he sound sober! What a difference. I think I'll leave all the hope for a few months after he gets back though. There is really no way of telling how things will go, except for what accumulated experience of others has taught me ;-)
I do feel for her though. I am sure that his version of what events took place are different than he version.
And I did in a roundabout way make it know to her that she is codependent and needs help. I made everything on my FB private except for one post suggesting to her that she needs help and that I don't blame her along with a great article on codependency.
Ad for him... talked to him for the first time since deployment and wow does he sound sober! What a difference. I think I'll leave all the hope for a few months after he gets back though. There is really no way of telling how things will go, except for what accumulated experience of others has taught me ;-)
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