Stung

I know that this isn't a step 4 forum, but I know there is a lot of traffic here and a lot of regulars have completed the steps.

Soo... my question: How did you know you were completed with step 4? My sponsor is leaving it up to me as to when I should move onto step 5 (seriously, I tell her several of my assets, defects & resentments every time I see her, I think I'm doing step 5 at the same time as step 4) and I'm not sure when to move on. I'm doing well with writing about my resentments and finding my over developed assets (defects) as well as my healthy assets. Anyone care to share a little ES&H on their own experience?

Thanks in advance!!

lillamy

I'm probably the last person who should respond to this because the first time I went through the steps, I really felt like the only thing I really had to report in Step 4 was "I wasn't completely honest with AXH about how I felt about his drinking while we were married but on the other hand, you know, any sane person would have understood that the way he was treating me and the kids was horrible and unacceptable."

To me, the steps are never really "done", kwim? I've been through them once on my own (with step study books) and once with a sponsor. I'm approaching step 4 a third time (I do feel "done" with the first three) because seeing AXH's behavior copied in one of my kids (minus the drinking) and being able to see in that relationship how dysfunctional my reactions and responses have been, I've gained a whole lot more insight into where my behavior contributes to dysfunction in many of my relationships.

I don't know if that helps, but it's what I've got right now.

thotful

I'll share my experience. My sponsor at the time asked me to write a life story. To cover everything. I really enjoyed the idea. I titled each chapter relative to my age at the time, starting with age 5. I wrote until I reached the current date. I had a lot to write (200+ pages).

I completed the step 4 blue book (blueprint for progress or something like that).

I think I completed some other little sheet for AA about identifying defects and assets.

I then began to read my life story to my counselor. When I had read that out loud completely (lots of sessions), I had found a pattern.
That pattern was a deep sense of who I am and the choices I've made. I saw it more clearly than I ever had. I knew myself far better than any other human being did (and does). Of course, the reading of my life story was step 5. So, in essence, as I completed step 5, I was still technically working on step 4. As I read about my life and fielded questions from my counselor, I learned more and more about myself (step 4).

I may have gone overboard...so I don't know if my advice would be very good given how much work I put into step four and five.

happybeingme

Do you feel like your done? If so your done. The steps are a way of life. You can revisit any or all of steps any time you need to

AnvilheadII

each step four should have a purpose...at least from my experience, there is no way to capture it ALL in one go. so I did like 3 or 4 4th/5th steps with my sponsor.

this isn't about PERFECTION, this is about getting real. and honest. nor IMHO should a 4th step process go on forever...we open way too many old wounds......it is better to get SOME stuff out in smaller doses, than trying to write War and Peace.

i'd suggest wrap this one up, and do a full 5th with your sponsor, even the stuff you've already discussed. do it once, fully and done. and then move on thru the steps. you can and should circle back and review the steps and capture any new stuff that comes up.

CodeJob

I too mixed 4-5. I think you are doing well.

schnappi99

My sponsor thought it a good idea to work on the low-hanging fruit issues first as suggested by my responses to the Blueprint book along with journalling, then do smaller 4th and 5th steps focused just on that. His idea is to get on with the job and not try to make it perfect, then keep doing them to work other issues as they arise. I listen to many AA and alanon speaker recordings and they often as not discuss the thorough 4 column worksheet and/or life story, I was caught up on thinking I should do it by the book.

I spent a while working up an organized theory on how to approach the consequent 6th and 7th steps, to which he listened patiently and then suggested I get on with other topics. That led me to an experiment I'm trying now; what might the mental and emotional landscape be like if the character defects I worked out & reviewed in the 5th were gone? If I could conceive of that, how about if I chose to act that way, as if they were? So far the experiment has made it very clear to me how much I've been in bondage to myself. The stuff my ego comes up with is right out of the Penthouse Forum letters or angsty teenage flamewars... a little embarrassing really. Just letting it float on by and meantime enjoying the springtime weather...

Iconoclastic

My Step 4 wasn’t an autobiography; it was a process of clearing away the wreckage of my past, which was based on the 7 Capital Sins, Lust, Envy, Greed, Gluttony, Anger, Pride and Sloth. This is the 12 Steps which is Alcoholics Anonymous SUGGESTED program of recovery and is the same for Al-Anon.

The tenets of the 12 Steps came from First Century Judeo Christianity. I finished with Step 9 re: atonement and restitution. Step 10 is a continuum of self-examination.