Please read, struggling with alcoholic Mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Please read, struggling with alcoholic Mother
Firstly hi to everyone this is my first time post and I found this site out of desperation. I really could do with some help, advice and words of wisdom, thank you in advance for any views posted.
Apologies this may be long!
Since I was a child( I'm now 37)my Mum has had a problem with drink, when I was younger it was fairly under control . My Mum worked full time so she drank as soon as she was home from work and weekends. Most Sundays she slowly got drunk while cooking the Sunday lunch and would end up in bed. As a child I found hid empty bottle and bottles topped up with water to look more full.
This all spiralled out of control 9 years ago when she turned 60, retired and my Dad left after 42yrs or marriage! My Mum no longer had anything to fill her days and was completely heart broken. My older brother and I tried everything we could to be there for her and support her through this awful time but of course we couldn't stop the pain!
Fast forward to today my brother now lives abroad, I'm the only close family near my Mum. Things are horrendous , we have done six home detoxes , two hospital based detoxes. She has broken her knee cap in half , cut her head open , crashed her car while drunk and recently broke her wrist. She spends her days drunk laying in bed , often soiling herself and vomiting, she no longer washes or goes out of the house. We have tried everything Doctors, AA, counselling, social services and the longest she has been sober in the last 9 yrs is three months.
This has destroyed me and my brother, we have watched an intelligent , caring, kind ,hard working women turn into a lying, spiteful shell that is slowly killing herself my brother and I are close to breaking ourselves. I have two young children that love and miss their Nanny but I can't take the round to her house because it's awful and she is always drunk.
I'm not sure anyone can help but I just don't know who to turn to I'm in desperation, please help.
Thank you for taking the time to read xx
Apologies this may be long!
Since I was a child( I'm now 37)my Mum has had a problem with drink, when I was younger it was fairly under control . My Mum worked full time so she drank as soon as she was home from work and weekends. Most Sundays she slowly got drunk while cooking the Sunday lunch and would end up in bed. As a child I found hid empty bottle and bottles topped up with water to look more full.
This all spiralled out of control 9 years ago when she turned 60, retired and my Dad left after 42yrs or marriage! My Mum no longer had anything to fill her days and was completely heart broken. My older brother and I tried everything we could to be there for her and support her through this awful time but of course we couldn't stop the pain!
Fast forward to today my brother now lives abroad, I'm the only close family near my Mum. Things are horrendous , we have done six home detoxes , two hospital based detoxes. She has broken her knee cap in half , cut her head open , crashed her car while drunk and recently broke her wrist. She spends her days drunk laying in bed , often soiling herself and vomiting, she no longer washes or goes out of the house. We have tried everything Doctors, AA, counselling, social services and the longest she has been sober in the last 9 yrs is three months.
This has destroyed me and my brother, we have watched an intelligent , caring, kind ,hard working women turn into a lying, spiteful shell that is slowly killing herself my brother and I are close to breaking ourselves. I have two young children that love and miss their Nanny but I can't take the round to her house because it's awful and she is always drunk.
I'm not sure anyone can help but I just don't know who to turn to I'm in desperation, please help.
Thank you for taking the time to read xx
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Winteriscoming and welcome to SR!
I am sorry for what you have gone through for many years. Alcoholism is a very complex disease - I wish I could tell you what to do to get your mother sober but I can't. Only she can do that. It sounds like there have been many efforts.
I am curious with all the detoxes and hospitalizations has your mother ever had a mental health diagnosis? Often times with alcoholism there is an underlying mental health condition such as depression that needs to be treated. Its very hard to say if this is the situation with your mom, and I am unsure how this could be addressed in the UK. Considering the description of how she is living if it were me I would try to have her committed for a mental health evaluation. Here that would be 72 hours, possibly longer. If you can do that, do it without expectation that anything will change. With her history the probability that she is going to change is very low. A chance is still there, but its a slim one. Without voicing or showing some desire to get soberI'm skeptical but certainly if I could have her committed and evaluated it would be the humane thing to do at this point.
How is your mum getting alcohol into the house? Wondering if there is an enabler involved here.
Alcoholism is a disease of the family. Often times those surrounding it become equally as sick as the alcoholic in trying to control and manage the situation. There is no controlling or managing an alcoholic. Its hard to believe that someone would choose to live like your mum is when there is al alternative. As family members we have to take care of ourselves and our families and give the alcoholic the dignity to live their lives how they choose.
Have you tried going to Al Anon or anything like that? I think you would benefit greatly from a support group like Al Anon.
Lots of hugs ((()))) I am really sorry for what you are going through.
I am sorry for what you have gone through for many years. Alcoholism is a very complex disease - I wish I could tell you what to do to get your mother sober but I can't. Only she can do that. It sounds like there have been many efforts.
I am curious with all the detoxes and hospitalizations has your mother ever had a mental health diagnosis? Often times with alcoholism there is an underlying mental health condition such as depression that needs to be treated. Its very hard to say if this is the situation with your mom, and I am unsure how this could be addressed in the UK. Considering the description of how she is living if it were me I would try to have her committed for a mental health evaluation. Here that would be 72 hours, possibly longer. If you can do that, do it without expectation that anything will change. With her history the probability that she is going to change is very low. A chance is still there, but its a slim one. Without voicing or showing some desire to get soberI'm skeptical but certainly if I could have her committed and evaluated it would be the humane thing to do at this point.
How is your mum getting alcohol into the house? Wondering if there is an enabler involved here.
Alcoholism is a disease of the family. Often times those surrounding it become equally as sick as the alcoholic in trying to control and manage the situation. There is no controlling or managing an alcoholic. Its hard to believe that someone would choose to live like your mum is when there is al alternative. As family members we have to take care of ourselves and our families and give the alcoholic the dignity to live their lives how they choose.
Have you tried going to Al Anon or anything like that? I think you would benefit greatly from a support group like Al Anon.
Lots of hugs ((()))) I am really sorry for what you are going through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Hi Redatlanta and Thank you so much for your kind words and warm welcome.
My Mum has been diagnosed with depression and does take anti-depressants but because she is never or rarely sober these have no effect on her. Just to add her father (my grandad ) died an alcoholic .
When she is bed ridden she either orders her shopping online and gets it delivered or we know her neighbour buys her the alcohol. The neighbour has been asked/ begged to stop buying it for her but she will not take a step back. The neighbour says that my Mum is such a lovely lady ( which she is) that she can't not help her !
Her detoxes that she has undergone in hospital are not her choice, the medical team have put her on detox because she has been admitted with broken bones and her blood pressure has been very low. They've realised she needs to be detoxed and put her on one. When she broke her knee cap in half she said she wouldn't go to the hospital I just had to ring the ambulance and they made her go. Last week I was meant to take her to have her plaster cast removed from her arm but she was drinking and phoned up and cancelled the appointment when I got round her house to take her she was completely out of it !
My Mum has been diagnosed with depression and does take anti-depressants but because she is never or rarely sober these have no effect on her. Just to add her father (my grandad ) died an alcoholic .
When she is bed ridden she either orders her shopping online and gets it delivered or we know her neighbour buys her the alcohol. The neighbour has been asked/ begged to stop buying it for her but she will not take a step back. The neighbour says that my Mum is such a lovely lady ( which she is) that she can't not help her !
Her detoxes that she has undergone in hospital are not her choice, the medical team have put her on detox because she has been admitted with broken bones and her blood pressure has been very low. They've realised she needs to be detoxed and put her on one. When she broke her knee cap in half she said she wouldn't go to the hospital I just had to ring the ambulance and they made her go. Last week I was meant to take her to have her plaster cast removed from her arm but she was drinking and phoned up and cancelled the appointment when I got round her house to take her she was completely out of it !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
WIC- Welcome, and I am sorry that you are here. We all are here because we love an A. It is painful for all of us to watch them slowly kill themselves.
We don't have the magic pill to make them stop drinking, I wish we did. All we can do is take care of ourselves. That is truly the only way that you will survive. Have you attended any Alanon meetings or open AA meetings? These places are wealth of information. They teach you how to deal with the crazy's in our lives. It teaches you how to detach with love, and how not to enable the A in our life.
I am so sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sure she is an absolutely wonderful lady, but she has a terrible/horrible disease that has stolen her away from you. Please try and educate yourself about this disease. The more you know will help you understand what is going on. Go over to the new to recovery and the Alcoholism forum here on SR. You can comprehend what struggles A's deal with everyday. You can find a little compassion for their struggles.
Keep posting and asking questions. We have all been there and totally understand your struggles. ((((((((hugs my friend)))))))
We don't have the magic pill to make them stop drinking, I wish we did. All we can do is take care of ourselves. That is truly the only way that you will survive. Have you attended any Alanon meetings or open AA meetings? These places are wealth of information. They teach you how to deal with the crazy's in our lives. It teaches you how to detach with love, and how not to enable the A in our life.
I am so sorry for the pain that you have had to endure. I am sure she is an absolutely wonderful lady, but she has a terrible/horrible disease that has stolen her away from you. Please try and educate yourself about this disease. The more you know will help you understand what is going on. Go over to the new to recovery and the Alcoholism forum here on SR. You can comprehend what struggles A's deal with everyday. You can find a little compassion for their struggles.
Keep posting and asking questions. We have all been there and totally understand your struggles. ((((((((hugs my friend)))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Hi Maia1234 , Thank you for your very kind words and hugs 😊. I never realised how totally destructive and addictive just a simple glass of drink could be, it's horrifying . I've looked into Al-anon and I've found groups not far from me, to be honest I'm just trying to get the confidence to go and I thought I'd use this as a first step.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
WIC- When I started back to Alanon a year ago January, after a 15 year hiatus, I could not even lift my head up. I struggled with everything. The wisdom from family here at SR will be the most amazing thing for you.
Everyday you will read or understand something that totally hits home. For about 8 months I was going to 2 alanon and to open AA meetings a week, to try and comprehend what was going on in my life. My qualifier is my XAH. Who I still love today. But I could no longer have him in my life. I love him from a distance, today. He was the A, but I was the one going crazy. Figure that out????
It really isn't about the one drink. If they have one or fifty, it does something to them, that it doesnt to us. We can never understand addiction, like an addict. So accepting that they are who they are is a struggle, but part of our recovery.
Keep doing your homework, and slowly it will make a little sense. Things will get a little better. Alanon says " it works when you work it". As I said, keep posting and asking questions, someone here will have the answer. This place saved my life!!
Everyday you will read or understand something that totally hits home. For about 8 months I was going to 2 alanon and to open AA meetings a week, to try and comprehend what was going on in my life. My qualifier is my XAH. Who I still love today. But I could no longer have him in my life. I love him from a distance, today. He was the A, but I was the one going crazy. Figure that out????
It really isn't about the one drink. If they have one or fifty, it does something to them, that it doesnt to us. We can never understand addiction, like an addict. So accepting that they are who they are is a struggle, but part of our recovery.
Keep doing your homework, and slowly it will make a little sense. Things will get a little better. Alanon says " it works when you work it". As I said, keep posting and asking questions, someone here will have the answer. This place saved my life!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Thank you for all the very kind words it really does help. I feel better already by just putting down in black and white and realising I'm not alone. Which you often feel that you do because of the stigma attached to alcoholics. It looks like I need to be brave and go to an Al Anon meeting. This shall be my next step.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Winter. I'm sorry you have to deal with alcoholism, but this is a wonderful place to learn and grow as well as find the support you'll need to move ahead in your life.
A good way to start here is to read as much as you can--it will do a lot for you as far as realizing that you are FAR from alone in this, and it will also help you to take your A's actions less personally, once you see how common the patterns of behavior are from one A to the next.
Also be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom there, and I think you'll find those threads both educational and inspirational. A good place to start might be this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm happy to hear you're getting ready to go to Alanon. Please do follow thru on that. The face-to-face support is important. SR and Alanon in combination have helped me to come a long way, and I hope you find the same. Don't feel frightened or intimidated by Alanon--everyone there has stood in your shoes, and you do not have to say anything at all unless you choose to. You can just listen until you're comfortable w/speaking.
Again, I'm glad you found us here at SR. I wish you clarity and strength as you start your recovery journey, Winter.
A good way to start here is to read as much as you can--it will do a lot for you as far as realizing that you are FAR from alone in this, and it will also help you to take your A's actions less personally, once you see how common the patterns of behavior are from one A to the next.
Also be sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom there, and I think you'll find those threads both educational and inspirational. A good place to start might be this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm happy to hear you're getting ready to go to Alanon. Please do follow thru on that. The face-to-face support is important. SR and Alanon in combination have helped me to come a long way, and I hope you find the same. Don't feel frightened or intimidated by Alanon--everyone there has stood in your shoes, and you do not have to say anything at all unless you choose to. You can just listen until you're comfortable w/speaking.
Again, I'm glad you found us here at SR. I wish you clarity and strength as you start your recovery journey, Winter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Hi Honeypig Thank you so much for taking the time to firstly read my post and secondly posting a very kind and informative post.
Being new on here I'm grateful to you for pointing me in some helpful directions. I will definitely follow the link and have a read as the saying goes knowledge is power.
I already feel much better this evening and every bodies kind words and helpful information have really made me feel more confident within this situation . Also the support that everyone is giving to me is amazing
Being new on here I'm grateful to you for pointing me in some helpful directions. I will definitely follow the link and have a read as the saying goes knowledge is power.
I already feel much better this evening and every bodies kind words and helpful information have really made me feel more confident within this situation . Also the support that everyone is giving to me is amazing
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Winteriscoming 
I already feel much better this evening and every bodies kind words and helpful information have really made me feel more confident within this situation . Also the support that everyone is giving to me is amazing
It's a great place.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome!
You have gotten some great feedback, I also just wanted to drop in and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you.
It is absolutely awful to watch someone you love waste away with addiction. We understand and are here for you!
You have gotten some great feedback, I also just wanted to drop in and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you.
It is absolutely awful to watch someone you love waste away with addiction. We understand and are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: London, UK
Posts: 25
Admitted to hospital!
Firstly sorry in the delay in replying it's been a bit of a roller-coaster. Secondly thank you for the warm welcomes and words of wisdom.
So as the title hints this morning I had a message that my Mum has been taken into hospital vomiting blood and can't stop. So they are currently running various tests to find out what is going on. But I'm being honest now I don't feel anything at all, in fact I shamefully can say I am beginning to hate my own mother for putting us all through this . So it will be another patch up and sent home until the next time
So as the title hints this morning I had a message that my Mum has been taken into hospital vomiting blood and can't stop. So they are currently running various tests to find out what is going on. But I'm being honest now I don't feel anything at all, in fact I shamefully can say I am beginning to hate my own mother for putting us all through this . So it will be another patch up and sent home until the next time
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Winter,
I'm sorry for your sad situation. It's very scary, indeed, when it reaches this point, but this is the point many alcoholics arrive at unless they stop before they get there (unless something else does them in, in the meantime--alcohol can result in many, many kinds of deaths).
My second husband experienced liver failure at one point (he was diagnosed with EARLY cirrhosis and if he had stayed quit would be OK, but he went back to drinking). One of the classic symptoms of advanced cirrhosis is vomiting blood. In a nutshell, the liver is so damaged that fluids back up into the body. For many sufferers there is a hugely swollen belly due to fluids leaking into the abdomen. For some, the fluid causes varicose veins (varicose) in the esophagus, and when those burst, there is hemorrhage and vomiting of blood. These can be fatal.
I'm sorry you both are suffering so. There isn't a lot you can do to help her, but I hope you will get some help for yourself. Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when I was going through some very scary times.
Hugs,
I'm sorry for your sad situation. It's very scary, indeed, when it reaches this point, but this is the point many alcoholics arrive at unless they stop before they get there (unless something else does them in, in the meantime--alcohol can result in many, many kinds of deaths).
My second husband experienced liver failure at one point (he was diagnosed with EARLY cirrhosis and if he had stayed quit would be OK, but he went back to drinking). One of the classic symptoms of advanced cirrhosis is vomiting blood. In a nutshell, the liver is so damaged that fluids back up into the body. For many sufferers there is a hugely swollen belly due to fluids leaking into the abdomen. For some, the fluid causes varicose veins (varicose) in the esophagus, and when those burst, there is hemorrhage and vomiting of blood. These can be fatal.
I'm sorry you both are suffering so. There isn't a lot you can do to help her, but I hope you will get some help for yourself. Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when I was going through some very scary times.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Winteriscoming
Firstly sorry in the delay in replying it's been a bit of a roller-coaster. Secondly thank you for the warm welcomes and words of wisdom.
So as the title hints this morning I had a message that my Mum has been taken into hospital vomiting blood and can't stop. So they are currently running various tests to find out what is going on. But I'm being honest now I don't feel anything at all, in fact I shamefully can say I am beginning to hate my own mother for putting us all through this . So it will be another patch up and sent home until the next time
So as the title hints this morning I had a message that my Mum has been taken into hospital vomiting blood and can't stop. So they are currently running various tests to find out what is going on. But I'm being honest now I don't feel anything at all, in fact I shamefully can say I am beginning to hate my own mother for putting us all through this . So it will be another patch up and sent home until the next time
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hi Winter
Welcome to SR we are so glad you found us, but are so sorry for the reason you are here.
No further advice to add to the above.
Just a little encouragement to go to Al Anon. I started going in Jan 2015 after ten years on SR. and I am so glad I did.
I am feeling so much better than I was. My Husband is the alcoholic in my life and we have three beautiful children aged 14, 10 and 8.
Between SR. and Al Anon I keep sane whilst living under the same roof as my AH.
I am so glad you are here.
All the best Phiz
Welcome to SR we are so glad you found us, but are so sorry for the reason you are here.
No further advice to add to the above.
Just a little encouragement to go to Al Anon. I started going in Jan 2015 after ten years on SR. and I am so glad I did.
I am feeling so much better than I was. My Husband is the alcoholic in my life and we have three beautiful children aged 14, 10 and 8.
Between SR. and Al Anon I keep sane whilst living under the same roof as my AH.
I am so glad you are here.
All the best Phiz
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