Help for a newbie...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Brisbane, QLD, Australia
Posts: 4
Help for a newbie...
Hi everyone. I am so glad I found this forum, as I really need to talk to people right now who have an idea of what I'm going through.
I live with my fiance, we've been together three years. He is a great guy, I love him to bits, and we have a beautiful nine-month-old baby girl. We have little tiffs now and then, but the biggest problem we have is alcohol. He is a binge drinker. It has been happening on and off throughout our relationship. There will be periods when he swears he will give up, he knows he has a problem, he is sorry that it affects me so much, etc. Then when he feels like a drink he resents me, saying that he only gave up because of me, he is sick of being told what to do, I shouldn't nag him, other guys drink like he does, there's nothing wrong with a drink every now and then, I'm a woman so I don't understand, those kinds of things.
He's got me so confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting. I feel like he drinks too much, but I don't really know how much other people drink. What is a normal amount? Does one have to drink constantly to be considered an alcoholic? He really only drinks beer, sometimes rum and coke, and has the equivalent of between 6-16 (it varies a bit, the average is probably 9) standard drinks per session. It can happen anywhere from two or three times a week, or he can go three weeks without then binge. Is that drinking too much? A major problem I see is that when he is having a 'few drinks' he will equate that with a few longnecks of beer, rather than actual glasses. It seems like he is tricking himself into believing he is drinking less than he is. And he says he finds life boring and meaningless without alcohol. I notice his character change after a few drinks (although he insists he is just mellow and having fun). He gets alcohol withdrawls, which makes him short-tempered.
Before I met him I never had a problem with alcohol. I was never a heavy drinker, but I didn't really care about it one way or the other. Now I have quit drinking altogether (I originally did it to support him one of the times he quit, now I just detest alcohol.) It is really getting to me. I find myself dreading his next drink, and I wind up in tears when he does drink. It's worse now because I'm looking after a baby and not getting enough sleep. I feel like a single parent half the time, as I can't get help from him when he is drinking. And he doesn't get why I have a problem with him taking our daughter Isabel when he's been drinking, because apparently he feels in control of himself and would never drop her or anything. Well I'm not particularly keen to test whether he would or not! It is stressing me out a great deal, and I am feeling resentful and hateful towards him because of it. It's horrible for me to feel that way, because I love him.
I am just so sick of it, and I want to help him, I'm just not sure how. We have talked about AA, and I found out meeting times in our area for him, and once he said he would go, but now he says that he isn't like the people who go to the meetings and doesn't want to be around them. He doesn't seem to get that all kinds of people have the problem, and there's no shame in going to an AA meeting.
I'm confused, depressed, and worried. Although writing it all down has made me feel a little better. I think just being able to tell someone about it helps, as I feel I am unable to mention it to my family or friends. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for listening to my ramblings
Kristy
I live with my fiance, we've been together three years. He is a great guy, I love him to bits, and we have a beautiful nine-month-old baby girl. We have little tiffs now and then, but the biggest problem we have is alcohol. He is a binge drinker. It has been happening on and off throughout our relationship. There will be periods when he swears he will give up, he knows he has a problem, he is sorry that it affects me so much, etc. Then when he feels like a drink he resents me, saying that he only gave up because of me, he is sick of being told what to do, I shouldn't nag him, other guys drink like he does, there's nothing wrong with a drink every now and then, I'm a woman so I don't understand, those kinds of things.
He's got me so confused. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting. I feel like he drinks too much, but I don't really know how much other people drink. What is a normal amount? Does one have to drink constantly to be considered an alcoholic? He really only drinks beer, sometimes rum and coke, and has the equivalent of between 6-16 (it varies a bit, the average is probably 9) standard drinks per session. It can happen anywhere from two or three times a week, or he can go three weeks without then binge. Is that drinking too much? A major problem I see is that when he is having a 'few drinks' he will equate that with a few longnecks of beer, rather than actual glasses. It seems like he is tricking himself into believing he is drinking less than he is. And he says he finds life boring and meaningless without alcohol. I notice his character change after a few drinks (although he insists he is just mellow and having fun). He gets alcohol withdrawls, which makes him short-tempered.
Before I met him I never had a problem with alcohol. I was never a heavy drinker, but I didn't really care about it one way or the other. Now I have quit drinking altogether (I originally did it to support him one of the times he quit, now I just detest alcohol.) It is really getting to me. I find myself dreading his next drink, and I wind up in tears when he does drink. It's worse now because I'm looking after a baby and not getting enough sleep. I feel like a single parent half the time, as I can't get help from him when he is drinking. And he doesn't get why I have a problem with him taking our daughter Isabel when he's been drinking, because apparently he feels in control of himself and would never drop her or anything. Well I'm not particularly keen to test whether he would or not! It is stressing me out a great deal, and I am feeling resentful and hateful towards him because of it. It's horrible for me to feel that way, because I love him.
I am just so sick of it, and I want to help him, I'm just not sure how. We have talked about AA, and I found out meeting times in our area for him, and once he said he would go, but now he says that he isn't like the people who go to the meetings and doesn't want to be around them. He doesn't seem to get that all kinds of people have the problem, and there's no shame in going to an AA meeting.
I'm confused, depressed, and worried. Although writing it all down has made me feel a little better. I think just being able to tell someone about it helps, as I feel I am unable to mention it to my family or friends. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for listening to my ramblings
Kristy
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Kristy,
Welcome to SR, you'll find lots of support here.
Reading your post, I am seriously reminded of my husband about five years ago. He's a binger too, and back then he was like your fiance, he might do it three times a week or he might do it once a month. Every time he realized how bad he was he would apologize and tell me he was done with it and then get cranky and tell me he was going to have a drink and I was not going to stop him from having fun. The turning things onto others, the excuses (I'm bored) the "I'm not like those people", is all a part of this lovely disease. What's sad is that no matter how much we love them, we can't change them or make them better, they have to do that for themselves. What we can do is help ourselves and our kids to a better existence. Read the power posts at the top of the forum, do something nice for yourself and keep coming back. There are many wise people here who are always willing to listen.
Hugs,
Paula
Welcome to SR, you'll find lots of support here.
Reading your post, I am seriously reminded of my husband about five years ago. He's a binger too, and back then he was like your fiance, he might do it three times a week or he might do it once a month. Every time he realized how bad he was he would apologize and tell me he was done with it and then get cranky and tell me he was going to have a drink and I was not going to stop him from having fun. The turning things onto others, the excuses (I'm bored) the "I'm not like those people", is all a part of this lovely disease. What's sad is that no matter how much we love them, we can't change them or make them better, they have to do that for themselves. What we can do is help ourselves and our kids to a better existence. Read the power posts at the top of the forum, do something nice for yourself and keep coming back. There are many wise people here who are always willing to listen.
Hugs,
Paula
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Kristy,
Welcome. I am new here but in the amount of time I have been reading and posting I have found many wise and supportive people here. Your story reminds me of my AH about 15 years ago. He continued on that way until bout 5 or 6 years ago then began drinking pretty well all the time. As I have been told the dease is progressive as is the abuse portion our family endured. I still love my AH very much but have come to realise that I am not to blame for his drinking or actions and I can't stop him from doing what he feels he needs to. We have been married for 25 years and have two wonderful kids.
Take care and much love.
Kat
Welcome. I am new here but in the amount of time I have been reading and posting I have found many wise and supportive people here. Your story reminds me of my AH about 15 years ago. He continued on that way until bout 5 or 6 years ago then began drinking pretty well all the time. As I have been told the dease is progressive as is the abuse portion our family endured. I still love my AH very much but have come to realise that I am not to blame for his drinking or actions and I can't stop him from doing what he feels he needs to. We have been married for 25 years and have two wonderful kids.
Take care and much love.
Kat
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((Kristy)))))-
Welcome to sober recovery!!! I think you have found the right spot!! Read all the sticky post in the "freinds and family of alcoholics" forum. Also you might want to get to some alanon meetings in your area so that you can get some face to face (f2f) support.
The bad news is that you cannot "help" him.... The good news is that you can help yourself make good choices about your own life. We have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves and keep our hands off the alcoholic/addict in our lives. We do that by developing good boundries and working our own program. Best wishes to you and keep coming back and posting and asking questions!!!
Welcome to sober recovery!!! I think you have found the right spot!! Read all the sticky post in the "freinds and family of alcoholics" forum. Also you might want to get to some alanon meetings in your area so that you can get some face to face (f2f) support.
The bad news is that you cannot "help" him.... The good news is that you can help yourself make good choices about your own life. We have to learn to keep the focus on ourselves and keep our hands off the alcoholic/addict in our lives. We do that by developing good boundries and working our own program. Best wishes to you and keep coming back and posting and asking questions!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Brisbane, QLD, Australia
Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your replies, you've made me feel really welcome.
I actually showed my fiance what I wrote, and he said it helped him to understand where I'm coming from. Also, I have suggested that he look around the forums a bit himself, and he seems keen on the idea. So that's something (although I'm not getting my hopes up, but at least it shows he is willing to try). Thanks again!
Kristy
I actually showed my fiance what I wrote, and he said it helped him to understand where I'm coming from. Also, I have suggested that he look around the forums a bit himself, and he seems keen on the idea. So that's something (although I'm not getting my hopes up, but at least it shows he is willing to try). Thanks again!
Kristy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: bear,delaware
Posts: 1
Hi,
I am new to this altogether. I just realized that this guy i have been dating on and off for a year now has a definite problem with alcohol. He acts so different when he is drunk which is about three times a week. If he is not drunk he at least has a beer or two or a margarita. The thing is with him he lost his brother 8 years ago from a drunk driving accident. hHe has also had to dui's and went to jail for the second one for two months. He has treated me with alot of disrespect recently and I hurt. I also hurt alot for him. I know that he can do better for his life and I want to help but it tears me up when he talks to me the way he does among other things. It only happens when he is drunk. Any advice?
I am new to this altogether. I just realized that this guy i have been dating on and off for a year now has a definite problem with alcohol. He acts so different when he is drunk which is about three times a week. If he is not drunk he at least has a beer or two or a margarita. The thing is with him he lost his brother 8 years ago from a drunk driving accident. hHe has also had to dui's and went to jail for the second one for two months. He has treated me with alot of disrespect recently and I hurt. I also hurt alot for him. I know that he can do better for his life and I want to help but it tears me up when he talks to me the way he does among other things. It only happens when he is drunk. Any advice?
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Kristy Mac,
Welcome. I agree with Splendra. Al-Anon helps us to learn how to detach from alcoholism, and heal. I have found so much support and love.
Hi trytohelpfriend,
Many alcoholics have a Jekyl and Hyde personality. When they drink, they change. If I know that someone is abusive when they are drinking, I have found that the best thing to do is refuse to be around when they drink. Al-Anon has taught me that I don't have to allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse. I can't change them, I can only make decisions based on my own self. I had to learn to take care of myself. It took time, and a commitment to seeking help in Al-Anon. To find a meeting in your area http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/ and select Find a Meeting. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. I agree with Splendra. Al-Anon helps us to learn how to detach from alcoholism, and heal. I have found so much support and love.
Hi trytohelpfriend,
Many alcoholics have a Jekyl and Hyde personality. When they drink, they change. If I know that someone is abusive when they are drinking, I have found that the best thing to do is refuse to be around when they drink. Al-Anon has taught me that I don't have to allow anyone to treat me with disrespect or abuse. I can't change them, I can only make decisions based on my own self. I had to learn to take care of myself. It took time, and a commitment to seeking help in Al-Anon. To find a meeting in your area http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/ and select Find a Meeting. Hugs, Magic
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