Kboys

....is exceeding the pain of leaving.
Even the "good times" just aren't feeling good anymore.
I'm angy at myself and ashamed for staying this long.
I can't stop thinking about all the past hurts that I have let him get away with after little to no apologies. He's still mean, and controlling, and unreasonable, and I still let him be that way.
I know he's lying to me about things. I discovered he's deleting calls from his call log again or still.
I know he's eventually going to go back to cheating (if he's not already) or drinking or both.
I'm just so done and I have no more left in me for him. I don't even like kissing him anymore. I feel like I have to force myself to be intimate with him, and I can barely muster the words "I love you".
I just want to be free, but I'm scared of the next step. I'm scared what his reaction will be.
I know it's time though. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

Thanks for being here

healthyagain

I'll just tell you one thing: "You can do it."

happybeingme

You are stronger than you think.

dandylion

Kboys.....the people who can offer you the best concrete help are the workers at the domestic violence center.
You h ave recently indicated that you are afraid of his reaction---that he is emotionally abusive and manipulative.
You don't have to be hit to qualify for help. Emotional and verbal abuse is quite enough.
These people are not a government agency....and everything is confidential. You can go at your own pace and you are not obligated to to anything that you aren't ready or want. They are there to HELP.
They have resources at their fingertips that might be hard for you to find as one individual.

What would be the reason for not accepting help from the people who want to help...who are trained to help....and who have the ability to help you?

dandylion

dandylion

Kboys.....there is a website called womansdivorce.com .It may be a good resource for you, also.....

dandylion

walkinganewpath

I don't have practical advice but I can say when the voice inside you speaks loud enough and you are listening to it then it is time. I think the hardest part is the waiting to know....and now you do.

((hugs)) to you....you are stronger than you know (we all are) and have so much knowledgeable support here at SR. You're not alone

Duckygirl1

Have you made any plans like putting away some money and contacting DV?

firebolt

Sending you strength, not that you need it.

guava

I think this is one of the few situations in life where you really have no one to ask other than yourself. Even if you explain things to a friend, a trusted family member, therapist, etc. no one really knows how it feels to live your life. In this case you are the expert. Do what you feel is best for you and your kids. Make choices (whatever they might be) that you can look back on with good sense and purpose. You are strong and wise. You got this Kboys.

fluffyflea

Don't beat yourself up, you don't "Let him be that way".

He just IS that way.

redatlanta

Sorry for what you are going through - I think what you are feeling is very normal. Its normal to be scared of big changes, hell sometimes I am scared of little ones!

I take it from your post that you are looking through his phone and such. You already know he is deleting calls etc kindly suggest you stop yo don't need to know more. He is covering his tracks. Innocent people don't cover their tracks.

Do you feel that you have to be intimate with him or something will happen to you? Will he get angry if you don't? Trying to understand why you are pushing yourself to do something you don't want to and sounds like disgusts you.

I think the best course you can take here is to empower yourself with knowledge. I highly recommend you contact and have a consult with an attorney so you know what you are looking at if you divorce. As I recall you are in a pretty good situation with that - your parents own your home and you are not dependent on AH income.

He moved out last year - how did that come about?

MsPINKAcres

Just a reminder - you are worthy of love, dignity and self-respect - not only from others but also from yourself. It's ok to take small steps to achieve this in your life ~ ODAT ~ being afraid of the change is expected but everyone deserves to live happy, joyous and free.

wishing you the best on your journey

Katchie

Yes, it gets to the point that the pain of staying is greater than that of leaving. But...instead of being full of regret that you didn't leave sooner, be thankful for the strong person it had made you. Be thankful for the hidden blessings we often forget about or look past. There are so many personal growth stories you can tell that in the long run will bless you if you allow it.
Hugs sweetie! Your journey is a process, embrace it instead of fighting it!

daydreamer0217

I read that Dr. Phil said " The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day "

Kboys

Thank you everybody. I SO appreciate the encouragement and suggestions!

dandy...The website has a lot of good info, thank you.

red... yes, I am fortunate that I have a decent-paying job, and we rent from my parents, so those are not concerns for me, thankfully.
When he moved out last year, it was at a point when his drinking and his behaviors were so out of control, that I didn't feel safe with him in the house. I told him I didn't want him there anymore if he was drinking, and that I would call the police... which I never did (many times I wish I would have), but he did leave at that point, and stopped drinking soon after.

But things are not like that now that he's dry. ... he still has his blow ups, but it's not to the point where I feel physically unsafe or like I need to call the police.

As far as being intimate with him... up until just the last month or so, I had still enjoyed that part of our relationship, but I guess as time goes on and I am feeling myself detach from him emotionally, I just don't want to anymore, and it doesn't feel right anymore.
I don't worry anything will "happen" necessarily if I don't, but yes, I know it's less likely that he will be in nasty moods, have an angry blow-up, and he will be nicer if we are having regular intimate time.... So I guess it's me still controlling (or trying to control) him and his behaviors.

And yeah, I know you're right about looking at his phone. It gets me nowhere except to more fighting with him. He won't tell me the truth even when it's right there in front of our faces. When I brought up the deleted call, it was that the phone company must have made a mistake, and then it got turned around on me, "well what about you? You're not honest with me about everything. You don't tell me everything...." and then it went on to him yelling and me crying, and yeah, I should never have brought it up... I know how these things go with him and that it's pointless.
I don't think he's having a physical relationship with anyone, but I do think he's still talking at least periodically to his past co-worker that he cheated with. Part of me just doesn't even care anymore. I just want to be done.

So now I'm thinking about how and when I will leave, and what I will say. I don't feel like there's much to say that hasn't already been said to him. I don't want to fight with him anymore or "try to work things out". I just want to tell him that I'm going to my parents' until he moves out.
I don't want to be cold and uncaring.... I do of course still care about the man and love him in a way... if I thought I could have a civilized adult conversation with him and we could work out a plan for separating together, that would be great, but I know without a doubt that will never happen.
I'm going to find a proper 30-day notice for my dad to sign that I can serve to him.... I already have my important documents at my office, in case he decides to be destructive. And I need to look into what I need to do for temporary custody or whatever so that he can't pick the kids up from daycare.

Thanks for letting me think this out guys!!!

knowthetriggers

Just sending you warm wishes and tight hugs, strength, courage, whatever you feel you need.

We are here to support you on your journey!