FeelingGreat

I nearly choked on my coffee when I read that.

theuncertainty

So. This GF of AXH has met DS once. At his grandfather's funeral. Spoke with him only for a few minutes. And bought him a separate present and card on her own. Shipped it separate from AXH's present. The card wasn't signed "Stacy" and Dad. Just Stacy. In addition to signing on the present from AXH. This was a gift card for a fairly large amount. The last GF didn't even do that, just signed everything from Dad and Linda, and DS spent every weekend with her for a while.

I'm not begrudging DS the gift, and I get it, if AXH isn't using his dad's credit cards, that she probably bought both..... But she's essentially a stranger to DS, why send her own present? Thoughts? Am I feeling slighly weirded-out for no reason? Is this separate, expensive gift for a kid something that others might do?

FeelingGreat

Hi, she's probably trying too hard, but it sounds like her heart's in the right place. You don't know what exah has told her either; he might have spun any story.

Often the GFs are much nicer than the ex, or at least more caring. Chances are she won't be around for a long time.

Are you concerned that this will lead to them wanting him to visit?

theuncertainty

I think that's part of it. But really, AXH would have to 1. attend another rehab or provide other proof of working towards recovery and 2. provide proof that he has attended a program for abusive batterers and 3. start paying child support (the judge was really not happy with his non-payment) and 4. file all the appropriate legal papers up here. And I seriously doubt he'll want to admit to her that's what he has to do, much less actually _do_ any of that. Even if he's ready to admit he's an alcoholic and/or addict, he'll never admit that how he treated me and GF#1 was wrong.

theuncertainty

And, yes, her heart is probably in the right place. And she's certain she's the one that'll change him. And she's certain her love is enough. I get that. I was there once. But trying so hard with a kid who's 3,000 miles away? That you met once for a few minutes.

He lied to GF#1 that (among other things) she was the only court-approved visitation supervisor. He lied to his dad and sister (who remained court approved supervisors even after the judge ok'd GF#1) about how frequently he got to see DS. So I know he's lying to GF#2 about what the custody and visitation rights are and why.

I know you didn't mean that I should, but imagining what he's told her is definitely a scab-pick of a habit of mine from time to time. I'm 99.999999% certain he's playing the victim.

"Woe is me. None of the women I've loved have loved me as much as you do. I'm so lucky that you love me. You're my best friend and you deserve so much better. You get me. You understand. You're so supportive and caring. TU and GF#1 turned out to be such selfish and hurtful b's. They hurt me so much. All I ever wanted was their love. I tried everything. But it was never enough for them. I was never enough. TU is so vengeful that she's refusing to let me be a part of DS's life and she got the judge to believe her lies. And GF#1 kicked me out when things got rough, which meant I couldn't see DS because I had nowhere to live."

The only thing I'm not sure about is whether he blames GF#1 for kicking him out or if that's all my fault, too. Or if he's told GF#2 that #1 got a restraining order against him. Or what he's thrown in as new twists tailored specifically to her to set the hooks. Doesn't really matter.

It's a variation of what he told me, except there was no vengeful ex, just no one understood him or loved him like I did. It's what he told GF#1 and what she threw in my face when she thought I was being too hard on her wonderful man.

It's weird seeing my relationship with AXH mirrored in his relationships with these women. Even when it is so far away or in such fragmented glimpses. And it's weird realizing that the reasons I want to hate them is why I sometimes hate myself as I struggle to keep healing and growing now that I'm out from under his shadow.

Mango blast

That realization is big work. Those feelings may evolve into other ones eventually. It's okay to be gentle with yourself. Healing comes in phases and layers.

What does your recovery program look like?

Lately the slogan "Keep it simple" and this quote are meaning a lot to me:

"We can't think our way into right actions, but we can act our way into right thinking."

I have a tendency to spend a lot of energy thinking about things I can't control or change. "Acting my way into right thinking." helps put things into more right-sized perspectives and proportions. Still learning how this works. When I apply it, it does work -- if I keep doing it. Sometimes it's hard for me to give up what's familiar and what I feel like I'm good at. It's harder to step back from what I've always done (look for solutions, try to what the problem is so I can fix things) than learn to do things differently.

It seems like this week I'm back to running around in this wheel, and I'm going in circles instead of enjoying life that's right here around me. There is thankfully a way out of ghis wheel!

Have a wonderful weekend!

theuncertainty

Right now, my recovery program is.... Self-guided. Reading and a couple forums like SR; a DV support group on occasion. (I had to stop therapy a while back due to insurance/cost issues.) So I feel sometimes like its slow going and have to remind myself that it's not a competition or on a schedule.

I really like your quote about right thinking. Thank you.

Liveitwell

^^ lots of great advice re paying attention to what we are thinking and reframing....changing behaviors starts with changing tbinking. Thanks for posting y'all. TU-keep on truckin' momma....hope your weekend is peaceful!

FeelingGreat

That shows a high level of awareness. You seem to be making excellent progress, considering what you've been though.

Nothing is surer than that GF1 now has a better idea of where you were coming from with EXAH. Her whole outlook would have changed when she was on the receiving end.

This will eventually happen with GF2. Have you noticed he tends to choose decent women? With good intentions?

theuncertainty

You know, all I'd really noticed was that he kept choosing women who whole-heartedly, unreservedly jumped right in to taking care of him -- and I'm including myself in that. The problem that I focused on being that it invariably means bringing DS back into his father's well of addiction an emotional cr-p.

I can, however, acknowledge that they're basically decent people with good intentions. (Doesn't mean I don't want to punch them in the face sometimes for the fact that the good intentions end up involving DS.)