What to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
What to do?
Ducky boys enabling mom is going to pick up the last of his things from my storage unit on Thursday. Needless to say I am thrilled. It's the last tie I have to him. My friend J was at his moms house over the holiday and got to meet the rehab romance girl. It's all too ridiculous and dysfunctional. The baby talk was non stop, the apt is all picked out and she has a 15 year old daughter ducky boy has never met.
The experts are wrong! You really truly can know a person and plan a life and bring more people into the world less than 6 months sober while still in the rehab bubble that you have 9more mandated months to live in by having those weekend overnights and passing notes in group therapy! So wish there was a sarcasm font!
Since I'm still friends with J , his brothers girlfriend, J got snubbed big time by the happy couple. She left there pissed because the mom was all over new girl and talking about shopping for baby stuff and how happy she was! J knows how I've been treated by them. His brothers and sister in law are disgusted by it. Not mom! You can cut her denial with a chainsaw! Of course J was told ad nauseum don't tell Kimmy anything! Honestly, they would have let me hold his stuff for another 9 more months until the state of NY let him go!
Rather than make me down, it reinforced how blessed I am not to have gotten more wrapped up in that family. In fact, I don't even want to look at these people or hear their lies. I'm thinking about renting a truck grabbing the stuff and letting a friend hand it off. At this second, I don't trust myself not to say exactly what I'm thinking if I see them. I don't want the fake ass smiles, hugs and thank you's. I have to call the mom to set up a time and I don't even want to do that.
Or, could channel my Dame Judy Dench and put on a command performance of hypocrisy. I just don't want them to think I'm ok with how I was treated. Not that them knowing I'm not ok with it would make a difference to them. I just don't want them to think that they are good people who have done no harm.
Opinions?
The experts are wrong! You really truly can know a person and plan a life and bring more people into the world less than 6 months sober while still in the rehab bubble that you have 9more mandated months to live in by having those weekend overnights and passing notes in group therapy! So wish there was a sarcasm font!
Since I'm still friends with J , his brothers girlfriend, J got snubbed big time by the happy couple. She left there pissed because the mom was all over new girl and talking about shopping for baby stuff and how happy she was! J knows how I've been treated by them. His brothers and sister in law are disgusted by it. Not mom! You can cut her denial with a chainsaw! Of course J was told ad nauseum don't tell Kimmy anything! Honestly, they would have let me hold his stuff for another 9 more months until the state of NY let him go!
Rather than make me down, it reinforced how blessed I am not to have gotten more wrapped up in that family. In fact, I don't even want to look at these people or hear their lies. I'm thinking about renting a truck grabbing the stuff and letting a friend hand it off. At this second, I don't trust myself not to say exactly what I'm thinking if I see them. I don't want the fake ass smiles, hugs and thank you's. I have to call the mom to set up a time and I don't even want to do that.
Or, could channel my Dame Judy Dench and put on a command performance of hypocrisy. I just don't want them to think I'm ok with how I was treated. Not that them knowing I'm not ok with it would make a difference to them. I just don't want them to think that they are good people who have done no harm.
Opinions?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Dear ducky, if you have a friend willing to deliver his belongings , I can only suggest you do that. Honey, you don't need to subject yourself to that crazy, crazy......
Take the friend to lunch following the exchange, and celebrate the new chapter of your life that is about to begin. With this behind you, you are free . Embrace your new beginning!
It's going to be ok, friend. You are not alone.
Take the friend to lunch following the exchange, and celebrate the new chapter of your life that is about to begin. With this behind you, you are free . Embrace your new beginning!
It's going to be ok, friend. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think they are going to think they are good people who have done no harm no matter who you say, do, don't say, or don't do. If they want to believe you are okay, they will believe it even if you stand there bleeding.
The sooner this particular warren of denial-rabbits is out of your life, the better.
The sooner this particular warren of denial-rabbits is out of your life, the better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I had similar emotions when I heard about my ex's marriage. His wife called me to announce that she was pregnant, she's never seen him drink, she hopes I can get over my anger and treat DS6's "new half brother or sister better than I've treated her husband," and just all manner of sanctimonious nonsense.
Of course I was angry. I practically had to bite my tongue in half to keep from letting loose on her (which I'm sure was the purpose of the conversation). But really, the whole thing was a ridiculous charade. She's not pregnant. Her husband is drinking just as much as or more than before. Nothing is changed except the shiny new facade they've created, and that will crumble without any help from me.
That anger is such a black hole of pain for me that I can't succumb to it. As much as I'd love to grab a bullhorn and shout from the rooftops pointing out their sick, dysfunctional lives, it won't make a bit of difference to them, and it will actually hurt me.
Mindfulness has helped me a lot with redirecting those negative emotions. When I feel like I NEED to do or say something, I examine that urge. Will my actions fundamentally change anything? Will they be helpful to someone who wants or needs help? How will I feel afterward?
Just venting on my ex and his new family isn't going to help me. I've tried to redirect that energy into sending positive thoughts to her children, who are growing up in this nightmare with a mentally ill mother, a dead father (he's buried in the yard by the outhouse) and an alcoholic stepfather who is also their first cousin. Sick and crazy? Yes. My business? No.
Taking the high road is hard, and I've had my share of slips along the way, but I don't have any regrets when I make the choice to detach from other people's choices and behavior.
(((ducky)))
Of course I was angry. I practically had to bite my tongue in half to keep from letting loose on her (which I'm sure was the purpose of the conversation). But really, the whole thing was a ridiculous charade. She's not pregnant. Her husband is drinking just as much as or more than before. Nothing is changed except the shiny new facade they've created, and that will crumble without any help from me.
That anger is such a black hole of pain for me that I can't succumb to it. As much as I'd love to grab a bullhorn and shout from the rooftops pointing out their sick, dysfunctional lives, it won't make a bit of difference to them, and it will actually hurt me.
Mindfulness has helped me a lot with redirecting those negative emotions. When I feel like I NEED to do or say something, I examine that urge. Will my actions fundamentally change anything? Will they be helpful to someone who wants or needs help? How will I feel afterward?
Just venting on my ex and his new family isn't going to help me. I've tried to redirect that energy into sending positive thoughts to her children, who are growing up in this nightmare with a mentally ill mother, a dead father (he's buried in the yard by the outhouse) and an alcoholic stepfather who is also their first cousin. Sick and crazy? Yes. My business? No.
Taking the high road is hard, and I've had my share of slips along the way, but I don't have any regrets when I make the choice to detach from other people's choices and behavior.
(((ducky)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
I had similar emotions when I heard about my ex's marriage. His wife called me to announce that she was pregnant, she's never seen him drink, she hopes I can get over my anger and treat DS6's "new half brother or sister better than I've treated her husband," and just all manner of sanctimonious nonsense.
Of course I was angry. I practically had to bite my tongue in half to keep from letting loose on her (which I'm sure was the purpose of the conversation). But really, the whole thing was a ridiculous charade. She's not pregnant. Her husband is drinking just as much as or more than before. Nothing is changed except the shiny new facade they've created, and that will crumble without any help from me.
That anger is such a black hole of pain for me that I can't succumb to it. As much as I'd love to grab a bullhorn and shout from the rooftops pointing out their sick, dysfunctional lives, it won't make a bit of difference to them, and it will actually hurt me.
Mindfulness has helped me a lot with redirecting those negative emotions. When I feel like I NEED to do or say something, I examine that urge. Will my actions fundamentally change anything? Will they be helpful to someone who wants or needs help? How will I feel afterward?
Just venting on my ex and his new family isn't going to help me. I've tried to redirect that energy into sending positive thoughts to her children, who are growing up in this nightmare with a mentally ill mother, a dead father (he's buried in the yard by the outhouse) and an alcoholic stepfather who is also their first cousin. Sick and crazy? Yes. My business? No.
Taking the high road is hard, and I've had my share of slips along the way, but I don't have any regrets when I make the choice to detach from other people's choices and behavior.
(((ducky)))
Of course I was angry. I practically had to bite my tongue in half to keep from letting loose on her (which I'm sure was the purpose of the conversation). But really, the whole thing was a ridiculous charade. She's not pregnant. Her husband is drinking just as much as or more than before. Nothing is changed except the shiny new facade they've created, and that will crumble without any help from me.
That anger is such a black hole of pain for me that I can't succumb to it. As much as I'd love to grab a bullhorn and shout from the rooftops pointing out their sick, dysfunctional lives, it won't make a bit of difference to them, and it will actually hurt me.
Mindfulness has helped me a lot with redirecting those negative emotions. When I feel like I NEED to do or say something, I examine that urge. Will my actions fundamentally change anything? Will they be helpful to someone who wants or needs help? How will I feel afterward?
Just venting on my ex and his new family isn't going to help me. I've tried to redirect that energy into sending positive thoughts to her children, who are growing up in this nightmare with a mentally ill mother, a dead father (he's buried in the yard by the outhouse) and an alcoholic stepfather who is also their first cousin. Sick and crazy? Yes. My business? No.
Taking the high road is hard, and I've had my share of slips along the way, but I don't have any regrets when I make the choice to detach from other people's choices and behavior.
(((ducky)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
You are all right. I just can't be in their presence anymore than I can expose myself in a Ebola region. And venting won't help. The anger is really more like disgust and you're right SK. I could be in the ER with my head in a basket and they wouldn't blink. I like the lunch celebration idea! The ignominious part of it all and the only thing that can half produce tears is the fact that I can't have children normally. Thanks cancer! It never bothered me since I have 2 wonderful kids already, but for him I wanted to have another. I went through the fertility tests and doctors and found that I could with some intervention. Everyone was good with that! HE was good with it. But it's a moot point now.
Mind you, at that time I understood nothing of addicts or how sick their families might be like I do today. If I had, I would never have found this forum. Wouldn't have needed it. Thanks so much for being here!!!
I'll have a friend do the honors!
Mind you, at that time I understood nothing of addicts or how sick their families might be like I do today. If I had, I would never have found this forum. Wouldn't have needed it. Thanks so much for being here!!!
I'll have a friend do the honors!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Duckygirl1
Btw LS, did you say they have someone buried in the yard? Can you do that?!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Duckygirl.....you do have something good to look forward to.
There is a stage beyond the white hot anger and outrage.
It is indifference. When it doesn't even seem worth it to muster the energy to be upset. When the healing is complete---that is all that is left.
And.....it is wonderful relief.....
And, you know what----you don't have to do a thing. The Universe will take care of it for you......
dandylion
There is a stage beyond the white hot anger and outrage.
It is indifference. When it doesn't even seem worth it to muster the energy to be upset. When the healing is complete---that is all that is left.
And.....it is wonderful relief.....
And, you know what----you don't have to do a thing. The Universe will take care of it for you......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Tight hugs Ducky!
Vent away!
Never meet you but so glad you are finally at the end of it all with this dysfunction and you can finally put it behind you and move on!
Sending you peace and strength!
~Triggers
Vent away!
Never meet you but so glad you are finally at the end of it all with this dysfunction and you can finally put it behind you and move on!
Sending you peace and strength!
~Triggers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
DuckyGirl, you have one last load of crap to get rid of and you're through with him and them. They still have each other and their sick messy lives. IME, the joke's on them! You don't need to say a word.
Go forth, be free, and live a happy life!
Go forth, be free, and live a happy life!
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