Did I do wrong?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Did I do wrong?
So, my partner and I moved in together. He's been relapsing every month or so for a few weeks, which is different to how it used to be- every six months or so. I know that's progression, but it's still not how we hoped it would be after all the therapy and AA stuff he's been doing.
Anyway, this relapse was different because this time we were under the same roof (mine) with nowhere else to go.
After three days I decided to outline his options to him. He could continue to drink, that was his choice, but he could not do it at home. He could either stop of his own accord, go to rehab or, choosing to drink, go stay in a hotel. I put it gently and lovingly, explaining I loved him but shouldn't have to handle this in my home.
He took it strangely calmly. Usually he gets angry or apologetic. He was completely switched off. Simply got up, packed a bag and left without a word. Several hours later I text him to ask him to give me am idea of where he was staying. Only then did he let me know which hotel.
He chose to drink. He's not physically dependant yet. That sucked.
But did I do the wrong thing? I know a boundary is something I do, but of the two of us, he's the one who can afford the hotel, I cannot. And as it's his decision to drink, I figured it was up to him to either stop or go elsewhere.
Was this telling him what to do or drawing a line/boundary in the sand?
Anyway, this relapse was different because this time we were under the same roof (mine) with nowhere else to go.
After three days I decided to outline his options to him. He could continue to drink, that was his choice, but he could not do it at home. He could either stop of his own accord, go to rehab or, choosing to drink, go stay in a hotel. I put it gently and lovingly, explaining I loved him but shouldn't have to handle this in my home.
He took it strangely calmly. Usually he gets angry or apologetic. He was completely switched off. Simply got up, packed a bag and left without a word. Several hours later I text him to ask him to give me am idea of where he was staying. Only then did he let me know which hotel.
He chose to drink. He's not physically dependant yet. That sucked.
But did I do the wrong thing? I know a boundary is something I do, but of the two of us, he's the one who can afford the hotel, I cannot. And as it's his decision to drink, I figured it was up to him to either stop or go elsewhere.
Was this telling him what to do or drawing a line/boundary in the sand?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I would call it a boundary and give you props for holding your boundary line. 1-1/2 years ago you asked if you should wait around for him to get sober. So I take it you're still waiting? If so, how long are you willing to wait?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by Refiner 
I would call it a boundary and give you props for holding your boundary line. 1-1/2 years ago you asked if you should wait around for him to get sober. So I take it you're still waiting? If so, how long are you willing to wait?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Monthly "relapses" aren't "relapses"--they are alcoholic drinking with brief "dry" spells. Lack of physical dependence in the sense of withdrawal symptoms doesn't mean very much.
Sorry you're dealing with this--pretty typical alcoholic progression.
Sorry you're dealing with this--pretty typical alcoholic progression.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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You protected yourself from the impending disaster that you know is on the horizon. That can never be wrong. You made no demands and gave him a choice. He chose drink. You now know where you and the relationship stand in his hierarchy of values. He's safe in a hotel with his bottle. You're safe at home with your peace. Enjoy it, you are worthy of it.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by shil2587
Several hours later I text him to ask him to give me am idea of where he was staying. Only then did he let me know which hotel.
Why do you feel you needed an idea where he was staying? You drew a boundary, but it became somewhat ineffective when you checked on him to find out where he was. He is an adult; he can take care of himself.
LexieCat is 100% right; this is not sobriety at all. It's an alcoholic white-knuckling it on his own for awhile. I'm sorry you are going through this heartache, but I suggest you seriously consider no-contact.
That is a boundary that shows you are serious.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
After three days I decided to outline his options to him. He could continue to drink, that was his choice, but he could not do it at home. He could either stop of his own accord, go to rehab or, choosing to drink, go stay in a hotel. I put it gently and lovingly, explaining I loved him but shouldn't have to handle this in my home.
you gave him the option of staying and doing what you wanted him to do, or leaving and doing what he wanted to do.
Simply got up, packed a bag and left without a word.
he chose B.
and there ya have it.
He chose to drink. He's not physically dependant yet. That sucked
in order to protect his freedom to DRINK, he left his gf, his "home" in favor of whatever he has packed in a bag and a hotel. i'd say there is definitely some dependence there!?
when people show us who they are....BELIEVE THEM.
you gave him the option of staying and doing what you wanted him to do, or leaving and doing what he wanted to do.
Simply got up, packed a bag and left without a word.
he chose B.
and there ya have it.
He chose to drink. He's not physically dependant yet. That sucked
in order to protect his freedom to DRINK, he left his gf, his "home" in favor of whatever he has packed in a bag and a hotel. i'd say there is definitely some dependence there!?
when people show us who they are....BELIEVE THEM.
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