Deja vu

Old 05-10-2015, 09:26 AM
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Deja vu

I feel like I've been living in a very disappointing deja vu for the past two years....

I miss exabf, I really do, but there was nothing I could have done to prevent his dumping of me. Really, nothing... he might have stayed longer if I had sex with him, and maybe I am lacking of self respect but I would have never given something so important for me to him just to make him stay longer.
I truly feel like a valuable person not because of having certain biological characteristics...
However I am very, very sad. I do not wish to suppress this.
I would have normally sent him a million texts explaining over and over how much he hurt me. I haven't done it this time and it's been a week since he ended things.
I also feel like I can't get him off of his pedestal even tough friends and family tell me how he wasn't good news at all and unworthy of someone like me. But how to feel like this if I even have the suspicion that he dumped me for someone else?

Maybe I'm just making the worse possible scenario inside my head to feel guilty? I imagine him being happy and in love with a very self-confident girl like I once was and it makes me feel awful.

I just don't know how to stop being so obsessive, it's been two years and I do not wish to keep on feeling this way but I can't help it....

I've been reaching out to here everyday... sorry...
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Old 05-10-2015, 09:32 AM
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I remember that thinking, it was totally based in fantasy. Once I let the reality of the situation seep in, and grieved it, my x was on a throne designed by me also, I was avoiding the pain of breaking up by staying. It was a simple as that. I'm over it now, and really happy. I had to do the hard work of staying in the truth. It truly set me free.
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Old 05-10-2015, 09:52 AM
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"I was avoiding the pain of breaking up by staying" .. this is true.
I just don't kno what the truth about this, him or even me is anymore...
However...it is good to hear that there's hope.
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Old 05-10-2015, 10:01 AM
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I'm proud of you for not sending those texts. Begging someone is a huge hit to our self-esteem. Trust me, you will feel much better for not having sent them. When you do that sort of thing, you not only have to recover from the loss of the relationship, but your own loss of dignity that comes as a result of your own actions.

This WILL pass. It will. Promise.
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Old 05-10-2015, 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I'm proud of you for not sending those texts. Begging someone is a huge hit to our self-esteem. Trust me, you will feel much better for not having sent them. When you do that sort of thing, you not only have to recover from the loss of the relationship, but your own loss of dignity that comes as a result of your own actions.

This WILL pass. It will. Promise.
I'm proud too, I guess, because the other times I would struggle much more to let go.
That said, it still feels (and it is REAL) that I gave my dignity to him and got only disrespect in return.
But I guess that's the price for the lesson I needed to learn....

Thanks LexieCat for all so far!
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:14 PM
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How come you were once self-confident and you aren't now?




Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 View Post
I feel like I've been living in a very disappointing deja vu for the past two years....

I miss exabf, I really do, but there was nothing I could have done to prevent his dumping of me. Really, nothing... he might have stayed longer if I had sex with him, and maybe I am lacking of self respect but I would have never given something so important for me to him just to make him stay longer.
I truly feel like a valuable person not because of having certain biological characteristics...
However I am very, very sad. I do not wish to suppress this.
I would have normally sent him a million texts explaining over and over how much he hurt me. I haven't done it this time and it's been a week since he ended things.
I also feel like I can't get him off of his pedestal even tough friends and family tell me how he wasn't good news at all and unworthy of someone like me. But how to feel like this if I even have the suspicion that he dumped me for someone else?

Maybe I'm just making the worse possible scenario inside my head to feel guilty? I imagine him being happy and in love with a very self-confident girl like I once was and it makes me feel awful.

I just don't know how to stop being so obsessive, it's been two years and I do not wish to keep on feeling this way but I can't help it....

I've been reaching out to here everyday... sorry...
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
How come you were once self-confident and you aren't now?
It's hard to explain.
As I kid, I was overweight, but had lots of selt esteem. My self esteem those days was associated with who I really was (inside): intelligent, responsible, funny, dedicated, I was the type of child and even teenager that got the things she wanted, bla bla, by my own efforts.
I was very proud of my self in that area...
But I once met/dated this guy, who, when he dumped me, said that he was very in love with the way I thought and the way I was, but that I wasn't very beautiful. In fact, I discovered he had said to many people this same thing, just that I was ugly.
It really broke my heart cause he was my first crush ever. I know it sounds kind of silly, but I guess it kinda left a wound on me.
Since that happened, I started putting a lot more effort on my appearence. I got very fit and many guys started pursuing me, but somehow and little by little, the intern aspects of my personality were forgotten by me.

I guess that, since him, I always felt like I wasn't enough.
Maybe, I really just had this feeling before, I'm not sure... I was always very self confident as a child.

.. When I was 18 I started to really ask myself what my goals where, and working on achieving them, I started feeling more confident in all areas of my life. It was actually, so far, the best time of my life.
And by 19, I met my ex.

And it all went down the toilet cause I let it happen...

I now feel like I'm really a "nothing" kind of person.
I don't know even where to start to rebuid myself.
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:41 PM
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Wrong--that self-confident young person is still in there--yes, you took a couple of hard hits in the relationship department. But you can recover from this. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of for the sake of pleasing someone who didn't deserve it. I own that. I did it. But I don't feel worthless because of it. I did at first, but I got past that. I know more now. I'm wiser. You are, too.
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Old 05-10-2015, 12:53 PM
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It is possible to be "addicted" to someone, and I just have this feeling that the image you have about him in your head, how you perceive him, is not realistic. And you are "addicted" to this idea. You know he is bad news, yet you are somehow attracted.

And you are well aware that having sex with him would not change a thing. Honey, a guy who cares and knows you are a virgin will certainly not bite you, bite hard. He will not do anything to upset you. He will understand your feelings and respect you. You may not be "compatible," but it seems to me he was taking out his frustration on you.

Consider yourself lucky, young lady. You are 21! Enjoy your life, enjoy your youth. Don't let some little punk with no future ruin your self-esteem. Excuse my French, but sc***w him.
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Wrong--that self-confident young person is still in there--yes, you took a couple of hard hits in the relationship department. But you can recover from this. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of for the sake of pleasing someone who didn't deserve it. I own that. I did it. But I don't feel worthless because of it. I did at first, but I got past that. I know more now. I'm wiser. You are, too.
Thank you for this, I just feel like I am all over the place today because I really miss who I was those days, I really do miss myself, I guess I miss myself more than I miss him or who I thought he was.
I kinda wanted to make it work just to see if I could recover those two people? It sounds weird I know,... But I wasn't going to get back who he was because he never was that way.

I'll be able to be myself again and be proud of it, it will take a lot of time, honesty, discipline and effort, but I know I definitely want it to happen.
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post
It is possible to be "addicted" to someone, and I just have this feeling that the image you have about him in your head, how you perceive him, is not realistic. And you are "addicted" to this idea. You know he is bad news, yet you are somehow attracted.

And you are well aware that having sex with him would not change a thing. Honey, a guy who cares and knows you are a virgin will certainly not bite you, bite hard. He will not do anything to upset you. He will understand your feelings and respect you. You may not be "compatible," but it seems to me he was taking out his frustration on you.

Consider yourself lucky, young lady. You are 21! Enjoy your life, enjoy your youth. Don't let some little punk with no future ruin your self-esteem. Excuse my French, but sc***w him.
Yes, I do feel like I am addicted, or obssesed with him, maybe both, but like you say, not the real him entirely, but the person he once was with me, even if it all was a facade to catch me or whatever...

I too think he was frustrated because he couldn't completely control me and that was his main goal... I mean I don't believe he is pure evil but I do think that at some point the only thing he was after was sex with me? I am not sure, but it was weird because, now that you say this, I remember him seeming frustrated in more than one ocassion... And as far as I know I wasn't being disloyal or stupid, or even bad to him. He felt like I was a childish person I guess, and he thought that I would be very easy to fool...

From now on I'll be more grateful for what I have. Don't worry about your french... and thanks a lot!
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:25 PM
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Well near as I can see you did the classic thing, you gave your power away to a guy............





Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 View Post
It's hard to explain.
As I kid, I was overweight, but had lots of selt esteem. My self esteem those days was associated with who I really was (inside): intelligent, responsible, funny, dedicated, I was the type of child and even teenager that got the things she wanted, bla bla, by my own efforts.
I was very proud of my self in that area...
But I once met/dated this guy, who, when he dumped me, said that he was very in love with the way I thought and the way I was, but that I wasn't very beautiful. In fact, I discovered he had said to many people this same thing, just that I was ugly.
It really broke my heart cause he was my first crush ever. I know it sounds kind of silly, but I guess it kinda left a wound on me.
Since that happened, I started putting a lot more effort on my appearence. I got very fit and many guys started pursuing me, but somehow and little by little, the intern aspects of my personality were forgotten by me.

I guess that, since him, I always felt like I wasn't enough.
Maybe, I really just had this feeling before, I'm not sure... I was always very self confident as a child.

.. When I was 18 I started to really ask myself what my goals where, and working on achieving them, I started feeling more confident in all areas of my life. It was actually, so far, the best time of my life.
And by 19, I met my ex.

And it all went down the toilet cause I let it happen...

I now feel like I'm really a "nothing" kind of person.
I don't know even where to start to rebuid myself.
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
Well near as I can see you did the classic thing, you gave your power away to a guy............
Classic? Is it bad?
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:43 PM
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Well it's bad in the sense it's self destructive to you.

But classic in the sense it's what a lot of co-dependents end up doing, giving away their personal power to other people. Expecting others to make them feel good.
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:44 PM
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Been there,done it.
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Old 05-10-2015, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
Well it's bad in the sense it's self destructive to you.

But classic in the sense it's what a lot of co-dependents end up doing, giving away their personal power to other people. Expecting others to make them feel good.



:/ yes, I see it. And I feel bad for it but all I can do now is to start to change it so it won't get worse over time and I end up married to someone who won't care about me...
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Old 05-10-2015, 02:10 PM
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Learn from this experience. It hurts, but will make you grow. Being married to someone who doesn't care? I am there and am doing it. Getting out is even harder.

Your pain will go away. It is a phase and part of the process.

But I still say you are lucky.
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Old 05-10-2015, 02:25 PM
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Yes, that's right. You are on the right track........




Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 View Post
:/ yes, I see it. And I feel bad for it but all I can do now is to start to change it so it won't get worse over time and I end up married to someone who won't care about me...
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Old 05-10-2015, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by healthyagain View Post
Learn from this experience. It hurts, but will make you grow. Being married to someone who doesn't care? I am there and am doing it. Getting out is even harder.

Your pain will go away. It is a phase and part of the process.

But I still say you are lucky.

I think I understand. My mom is on the same spot as you and I don't wish it on anyone. I send a lot of strenght to your way, thanks for your words.
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Old 05-10-2015, 02:49 PM
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Thank you, and I send lots of hugs your way. You should not suffer this much. Time heals.

Is there anything you can do for yourself today to get your mind of the guy? Visit some friends? Any fun activities? The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. And when you are alone, your mind starts wandering.
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