JC0512

I posted this in the newcomers forum a couple weeks ago. It was suggested that I post it over here.





I know there are many situations worse than mine and I am just looking to see if this is the problem that I think it is or if I just need to do my own thing. Wife drinks 2 bottles of wine 4-5 nights a week. She's not out partying, she's not driving, it is all done right here at home. It's like if she starts, she can't stop until she is wasted. If we go to dinner & she has a glass or 2 with dinner, she finishes it off at home. It has been many years since she has had a glass or 2 & stopped. No one really knows how much she drinks except me. I think it is a problem. Not really anyone I can ask without a boat load of questions so thought I would post here.

Thanks!!

biminiblue

Well the recommendation for a safe amount of alcohol for a female is one 6 ounce glass of wine (or one drink) daily, not to exceed seven drinks in a week.

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. Don't worry about your situation not being bad enough. It's bad for you and that is all that matters. It is not a contest. I am not a doctor so I won't diagnose her. But, if she can't stop once she starts that is a sign of a problem. Have you spoken to her about how you feel about her drinking?

dandylion

JC0512......from your description, I would be quite concerned.

I have the same question.......have you shared your observations and concerns with her....honestly......?

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

If not already
sounds like she is well on her way
to becoming an alcoholic.

I would go with her
to a few different AA meetings.

AA has never hurt anyone
but
has helped many.

Mountainman

Refiner

Hi, JC!! Welcome. I don't think the recommendation of going to an AA meeting is a good one. That's like going from zero to 100 in 1.2 seconds from your post! I, too, wondered if you've mentioned your concern with her and if so, what was her reaction. Those who have an issue will most likely become defensive and will want to protect their drinking. She could even start hiding it. I guess that could be a starting point for you... To see where her head's at.

Mountainmanbob

Makes me wonder Refiner, about your experiences with AA ?

I know many in AA who were introduced by a family member and are sober today.

Many in AA meetings will hear stories told that remind them of their own experiences with the liquid devil.

MM

Refiner

I guess all my experiences have been different, MM. Those I know that go to AA have gotten their solely on their own, personal journeys once they hit rock bottom. Good to know.

LexieCat

Weeelll, here's what I did (which is what is recommended in the BB itself). Get a copy of the Big Book. READ IT. (I don't see how you would ever get someone to AA without at least knowing SOMETHING about it). Leave it lying around, or mention that you've read it. Say something like, "Maybe I shouldn't be worried, but it seems like your drinking has gotten a bit out of hand. What do you think?"

At some point, when she's in a receptive mood (maybe when she's feeling like crap after something from the night before), mention that you've read this book, and maybe she's interested. Leave it out where she can read it (secretly, if she wants to).

I did that after a coworker (who was in AA) suggested it. My first husband (35 years sober) still has THAT copy of the Third Edition (it was my co-worker's copy--she gave it to me). He saw enough of himself in those pages to at least be somewhat interested. We went to ONE meeting, and he decided he wanted to "try" on his own, first. After that was a miserable failure, I decided to take a break from the relationship for a couple of months. During that time, he went to his first meeting ON HIS OWN (lol, the story of how he was driven there by his coke-addict coworker who was NOT going to give up till they found the place, is hysterical). And, 35 years later, he's still sober.

Not everyone gets there that way, but the fact that the first hundred sober members of AA suggested it was good enough for me to give it a shot, and it worked.

ladyscribbler

AA is a great program for alcoholics. It works if they work it, if they are ready. I know my ex's dad (30 plus year AA member) dragging my ex to AA meetings following some big crisis moment precipitated by ex's drinking was never very successful. He was usually drunk immediately afterward, if not at the meeting itself, and used to drunk dial the numbers he got and make a nuisance of himself. He did not want to quit. Wasn't ready. Didn't believe he had a problem. Despite all evidence to the contrary- ER visits, nights in jail, me leaving with the kids, chronic unemployment, crapping his pants in public. To this day he thinks he's just fine. Nothing I said or did was ever going to convince him otherwise.
There's nothing wrong with you having an honest talk with her about your concern for her. She might be relieved and reach out. Or she might be angry and defensive and push you away. And there are no "magic words" you can say that will make her see the light. All you can do is be honest and kind and not build up a lot of hopes or expectations about the results of your conversation.
One thing I wish someone had done for me was to mention that I as the loved one of an alcoholic/problem drinker/whatever have a place to go too. Alanon meetings are for friends and family of those suffering from the disease of alcoholism (whether that person believes it or not). Attending Alanon doesn't mean you're diagnosing your wife or judging her or making some kind of statement about your relationship. It's just a place to go that will focus on helping you to cope with what sounds like an unmanageable situation.
You're taking a great step reaching out here. Don't worry about things being "bad enough" to need help. There doesn't need to be a big obvious crisis going on. Her drinking has a negative impact on you. That's more than enough reason.

FeelingGreat

2 bottles a night is way over the safe limit and not much fun for you watching. She has probably ratcheted up her intake over time until she needs the 2 bottles just to obliterate herself. She might not have a classic hangover the next morning, but it's not going to enhance the way she feels.
This is affecting your marriage, so you have a good case for talking to her about how you feel. It must be lonely when she's focussed on finishing those bottles.
Many A's get defensive and hostile when someone tried to come between them and their bottle, so don't be surprised if this happens. Stick to your point, don't allow yourself to be sidetracked, and tell her there are many treatment options out there. If she offers to cut down, it will be a temporary reprieve at best.

JC0512

Thank you all for the replies. I bring it up every so often, but I don't do it a lot. She talked a out going to treatment a year and a half ago but never went. The fact that she brought up treatment tells me that she knows it is a problem so I try not to go overboard. I have read enough to know that she has to make the decision for there to be any hope of it working.

FeelingGreat

You can't make her try treatment, but you do have the right to tell her how it makes you feel, and how it affects your relationship. If she's drinking to blackout every night, it can't be much of a marriage for you.

Mountainmanbob

Although in my early life AA meetings attended, I had heard ones share their stories regarding black outs, I could not relate, since even while heavily drinking I did not black out. All of this changed later on in life when I did start to black out while drinking. My new normie wife at the time had a very hard time dealing with these black outs caused by my heavy drinking and I started doing some insane dangerous things while running with the liquid devil.

The wife told me that things, "had to change if our marriage was to succeed." I was truly tried of drinking and getting into trouble and I did not want to lose my sweet little wife. I went to AA and church and got sober with the help of a AA Sponsor and a Christian counselor. Been sober over 7 years now.

There is nothing wrong with encouraging a loved one to get sober so as to save your marriage. For it is not a healthy thing to be married to a practicing drunk. Who knows, deep inside she may be willing and wanting to be sober?

Mountainmanbob

Duckygirl1

Will she consider individual therapy? There are in house and outpatient programs as well. There is also SMART Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, women for sobriety and rational recovery if Step programs aren't her cup of tea.

During this time, please don't forget to be kind to yourself. Living with a problem drinker like this is so emotionally exhausting. (((Hugs)))

Duckygirl1

Mountain man, congrats on your wonderful turn around! Many more years to you! I think that your story is the kind that encourages us to stay with our SO's so long because sometimes it does workout. Of course you have to know when to leave the party, but we all hope that maybe they will love us enough to stop. Your wife is blessed.

BlueChair

I would suggest talking to her and focusing on being non-confrontational. You might look into the Community Reinforcement and Family Training program. (Google it, try the book: Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change, by Jeff Foote PhD.). Family members can play a huge role in helping their loved one come to terms with a drinking problem and seek help.

We (family) encouraged my husband to seek professional help for his substance abuse issues, and while reluctant at first, he agreed. A good therapist can often help a person evaluate their own patterns, and clearly begin to identify a problem, its underlying causes, etc.

I would suggest professional help. While self help such as AA can be beneficial it is not considered treatment by authorities such as the National Institute of Drug Abuse. They actually offer guidelines for treatment and can clarify the role of support groups. They can be beneficial but are not necessary. My husband didnt participate in any.

Introduction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

NYCDoglvr

I'm a recovering alcoholic because when I picked up a drink I couldn't stop, drinking two bottles of wine per night at the end. I can not drink today (it's been 23 years) but once I pick up a drink I simply can't stop. Non alcoholics have no problem having a drink or two.

ErinGoBragh

I'm so glad you came here for support, although I'm very sad for the reason that brought you here.

You are right; bringing it up won't have much impact, if any at all. You realize it's a problem. Her? Well, she thinks it's a problem to a point, but not serious enough to enter AA or any other program to get sober - yet.

Have you ever considered going to an Al-Anon meeting? I found it so helpful to be around other people who struggled in dealing with the alcoholic in their lives. Something to consider.

schnappi99

I came into recovery via Alanon, my wife was the drinker. Up to when I started recovery and for a while after I added a good deal of conflict and anger to the situation. Much of that was due to the issues I brought into the marriage- bad habits of mind and all that. Not knowing the OP's situation I can't say anything specific, but as far as my own situation, its clear that at much gentler and understanding approach would have helped but really I had to get into my own recovery before there was much of anything constructive I could offer. Confrontation, judgement and guilt (hers, of course) were my tools- they were my response to the provocation of seeing my wife drowning in booze though at the time I had no clue about the amount of drinking and her attitude. Communication was essentially broken down, most every intereraction was at best neutral and usually a fight to the point where our 7yr old was telling us to stop fighting. Any sort of emotional and physical intimacy was long gone.

Maybe she realizes she has a problem maybe not, but I think its unlikely you'll succeed in convincing her about it and to sit there and tell her about it like I did is very likely to be a mistake. In this late stage my wife was hiding and protecting her drinking so even a kind, constructive approach would not have helped. "Go to AA (or whatever) or else I leave with the kids" is the nuclear option, I hope you do not find you have to go there. With care, I believe there are intermediate alternatives.

I'm not a big fan of the leaving around copies of the big book idea which seems patronizing and a by-the-book passive-aggressive control move. Being an Alanon creature, I propose educating yourself on addiction and how the family of the addict gets sick along with them, then work on the boundaries needed to get the family moving in a better direction. She may or may not follow along and/or get inspired, only time will tell.

Counting the drinks as if measuring how wasted the person is as some kind of measure of addiction or not is a classic characteristic of the spouse of the alcoholic (I did it too), symptomatic of how addiction affects the rest of the family. Everything you are doing and everything she is doing are lessons to the kids (I assume there are some) on how grownups act- you can't make her recover but you can show your kids what recovery looks like instead of keeping a deep scary secret. If there are kids involved, at this point they already know there is a problem- finding the language to talk about it with them is part of recovery too.