Ashamed...
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
Thank you for being kind.
I guess I have always felt so inadequate so this is just my own view on myself repeating but I also think I want to prove him my worth and that is so wrong... he doesn't care.
I made a mistake now I need to work hard on not feeling like a victim but... I feel very low today..
I guess I have always felt so inadequate so this is just my own view on myself repeating but I also think I want to prove him my worth and that is so wrong... he doesn't care.
I made a mistake now I need to work hard on not feeling like a victim but... I feel very low today..
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Originally Posted by Gonnachange
I have a daughter slightly older than you so although I'm certainly old enough to be your father, I can relate to your feelings about this guy due to conversations I've had with her. As others have written, do what ever you need to increase your self esteem and recognize your self worth. You owe that to yourself. He clearly doesn't respect you or treat you as an equal and that will only exacerbate if you continue your relationship with him. Yeah, moving past him may be tough in the short term, but you have your whole life ahead of you and in the long term you'll have a much more fulfilling and happy life when you meet a person who treats you as you deserve. And believe me, he's out there. Don't sell yourself short.
But I have to see things for what they are first, or else, I will never let that man come into my life.
Thanks for your words
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Hey, look on the bright side... You are still VERY young and have become VERY insightful with your relationships leading up to your "first love" with this guy. And let me be clear... That BITING thing he was doing is abuse in its finest form. It's a sick, twisted form of power/control over you and it is NOT ok. Be glad he thought you to be too much work. There is somebody out there for you that is worthy of you. This guy is obviously not.
Why is it abuse exactly?
You are right about me still being young and this on itself should be a great source of happiness for me.
Thanks a lot for your time and support.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
I really didn't saw it like abuse because he always bitten my lips while kissing and it was never hard, at least until one day before he dumped me and the day he dumped me....
Why is it abuse exactly?
You are right about me still being young and this on itself should be a great source of happiness for me.
Thanks a lot for your time and support.
Why is it abuse exactly?
You are right about me still being young and this on itself should be a great source of happiness for me.
Thanks a lot for your time and support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal.....you are standing at a great window of opportunity at a very , VERY critical age!! How you handle the next immediate time in your life--and the actions and decisions you make will probably be the most definitive ones you will ever make.
For this reason, I suggest to you that it is vital that you surround yourself with healthy others who have the greatest concern for y our welfare.
Those who will inspire you and lead your self development. Those relationships that will enrich you and lead you toward self actualization.
Your mother is trying with all her might to protect you from those who will use you cheaply.
I have a list of suggestions for you...in the immediate sense.....
1. Read Co-dependent No more )it is practically a sacred material around here...lol.
2. Join Adult Children of Alcoholics or alanon
3. Go to your feminist organization on campus.....and find out where you can find a woman's support group
4. Go to your local abuse organization and find a group therapy to join.*******(This might be the most important one).
Hon...believe this----you will NEVER have a healthy relationship with a man until you you have developed y our OWN potential.
****guess what---you will have more fun with your women friends that you could ever imagine...... The best is yet to come, if you will ALLOW it.
dandylion
For this reason, I suggest to you that it is vital that you surround yourself with healthy others who have the greatest concern for y our welfare.
Those who will inspire you and lead your self development. Those relationships that will enrich you and lead you toward self actualization.
Your mother is trying with all her might to protect you from those who will use you cheaply.
I have a list of suggestions for you...in the immediate sense.....
1. Read Co-dependent No more )it is practically a sacred material around here...lol.
2. Join Adult Children of Alcoholics or alanon
3. Go to your feminist organization on campus.....and find out where you can find a woman's support group
4. Go to your local abuse organization and find a group therapy to join.*******(This might be the most important one).
Hon...believe this----you will NEVER have a healthy relationship with a man until you you have developed y our OWN potential.
****guess what---you will have more fun with your women friends that you could ever imagine...... The best is yet to come, if you will ALLOW it.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by dandylion
Timetoheal.....you are standing at a great window of opportunity at a very , VERY critical age!! How you handle the next immediate time in your life--and the actions and decisions you make will probably be the most definitive ones you will ever make.
For this reason, I suggest to you that it is vital that you surround yourself with healthy others who have the greatest concern for y our welfare.
Those who will inspire you and lead your self development. Those relationships that will enrich you and lead you toward self actualization.
Your mother is trying with all her might to protect you from those who will use you cheaply.
I have a list of suggestions for you...in the immediate sense.....
1. Read Co-dependent No more )it is practically a sacred material around here...lol.
2. Join Adult Children of Alcoholics or alanon
3. Go to your feminist organization on campus.....and find out where you can find a woman's support group
4. Go to your local abuse organization and find a group therapy to join.*******(This might be the most important one).
Hon...believe this----you will NEVER have a healthy relationship with a man until you you have developed y our OWN potential.
****guess what---you will have more fun with your women friends that you could ever imagine...... The best is yet to come, if you will ALLOW it.
dandylion
For this reason, I suggest to you that it is vital that you surround yourself with healthy others who have the greatest concern for y our welfare.
Those who will inspire you and lead your self development. Those relationships that will enrich you and lead you toward self actualization.
Your mother is trying with all her might to protect you from those who will use you cheaply.
I have a list of suggestions for you...in the immediate sense.....
1. Read Co-dependent No more )it is practically a sacred material around here...lol.
2. Join Adult Children of Alcoholics or alanon
3. Go to your feminist organization on campus.....and find out where you can find a woman's support group
4. Go to your local abuse organization and find a group therapy to join.*******(This might be the most important one).
Hon...believe this----you will NEVER have a healthy relationship with a man until you you have developed y our OWN potential.
****guess what---you will have more fun with your women friends that you could ever imagine...... The best is yet to come, if you will ALLOW it.
dandylion
I am on individual therapy now, does that count?
I can't go out for now, only to run, therapy and college...
I would love to grow from this and be able to let go.
I always felt guilty about having made something bad to him... Tbh this was part of what made me go back to him. I felt I should try and be fair to see if I could get things to be like they once we're again.
I'm not sure if I harmed him or not... He once said I did.
But he was the one to lie about his ex, his drinking, etc, etc...
Why do I feel guilty? I don't know...
Thank you dandylion.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
TTH, I will just share my read of the situation. Take what you need and leave the rest. But it sounds to me like he senses that you are a little timid and unsure about your sexuality, being a virgin, and that he is taking advantage of that to make you feel bad for not accommodating his aggressive and abusive behavior in bed. It's true, some people get into biting during sex and that's their prerogative, but a key part of it being consensual is that you ask the person BEFORE you do it. You can't just assume that someone enjoys being bitten hard, and you DEFINITELY don't repeat the behavior after you've been told no, or get mad at someone for not agreeing to it. The fact that he did this in bed doesn't make it OK. If he came up and bit you on the street you would be appalled, right? And the fact that he bit you on the face makes it really personal and over the top IMHO. That is an especially sadistic place to bite someone who doesn't want to be bitten. And you should also be aware that there are guys out there who will see you as a conquest just because you're a virgin. It's possible that the fact that you're a virgin is really playing into his sexual aggressiveness. The whole incident sounds really creepy to me, and I think it classifies this guy as dangerous. Don't let him intimidate you into thinking that you're just inexperienced and don't understand his needs. You have every right to explore your sexuality on your terms and should never feel shy about saying no if someone does something you don't like in bed. Just my .02.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
EVERYBODY makes mistakes when they are young. If it isn't about relationships, it's money, or fooling around with drugs/alcohol, or something. And hopefully we learn from those mistakes. And people make mistakes all their lives, too. And sometimes bad stuff happens even when we've done everything "right."
So at 21, falling for the wrong guy, and even going back to him a couple of times, doesn't mean you are doomed to do this for the rest of your life. It DOES mean you need to think a bit about why you thought this relationship was "good" for you, so you don't repeat the pattern.
We CAN learn, and we CAN change. No matter how old/young we are. So please peel off that "loser" label you've stuck on your forehead and throw it away. This is a hard life lesson you are learning right now. But it's an important one. Learning from it NOW can spare you a lot of heartache down the road when you will have more at stake. Right now, you are sad. I don't mean to minimize that. But imagine being sad AND trapped with children and dependent on someone else's income. Imagine having to "start over" with nothing (or next to nothing) after a long marriage to someone who's an addict and/or abusive.
You can and will recover from this. I know it sucks right now, and it may continue to suck for a while. It pays to pick yourself up and examine what went on in this relationship so you can prove to YOURSELF that you can make better choices in the future.
So at 21, falling for the wrong guy, and even going back to him a couple of times, doesn't mean you are doomed to do this for the rest of your life. It DOES mean you need to think a bit about why you thought this relationship was "good" for you, so you don't repeat the pattern.
We CAN learn, and we CAN change. No matter how old/young we are. So please peel off that "loser" label you've stuck on your forehead and throw it away. This is a hard life lesson you are learning right now. But it's an important one. Learning from it NOW can spare you a lot of heartache down the road when you will have more at stake. Right now, you are sad. I don't mean to minimize that. But imagine being sad AND trapped with children and dependent on someone else's income. Imagine having to "start over" with nothing (or next to nothing) after a long marriage to someone who's an addict and/or abusive.
You can and will recover from this. I know it sucks right now, and it may continue to suck for a while. It pays to pick yourself up and examine what went on in this relationship so you can prove to YOURSELF that you can make better choices in the future.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12
I'm already on therapy and I became aware of my father being an A this year.
I also looked with depth in past relationships and they have never been of any quality... but this is the worse one so far.
And he was my first love, so it just feels a little harder.
... I need to change
I also looked with depth in past relationships and they have never been of any quality... but this is the worse one so far.
And he was my first love, so it just feels a little harder.
... I need to change
I hadn't been in contact with him for a couple of years by then, so I don't know how it all worked out for him. But I distinctly remember thinking, "Oh, he's an alcoholic, well that explains a lot. Good thing it didn't affect me at all."
Famous last words, right?
It's tremendous that you're taking proactive steps like counseling and reading and posting here for support to heal yourself. I wish I had had a tenth of your insight back then. You are changing. It feels slow and painful and like running though deep mud- lots of work and not getting anywhere. But one day you will see the payoff. It took years of exposure to alcoholism to do the damage, it won't all be undone overnight.
If you can, try Alanon. I know in our area some college-age members started a meeting on campus recently and they've had a good mix of students and longtimers attending. (Maybe trick your mom into hitting a meeting with you, lol).
My experiences alcoholic father shaped my relationship history, but my codie mom was my primary female role model, which did plenty of damage too, though I think she always meant well and was trying to protect me in her way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes......individual therapy does count....but, it can't do all the things necessary for your development as a person.Oh Yes....absolutely....stick with the therapy!!
Your brain has not even completely stopped growing, yet. Those influential people who inhabit your immediate environment are very powerful---especially, at this stage of your life. Their values, their philosophies, their social teachings----especially, teaching about how we humans relate to each other.
You do recognize that you have been damaged by abusive experiences in your childhood (great insight for you)......and, I fear that this sets you up to be vulnerable to broken or abusive men.
There is so much to learn.....
dandylion
Your brain has not even completely stopped growing, yet. Those influential people who inhabit your immediate environment are very powerful---especially, at this stage of your life. Their values, their philosophies, their social teachings----especially, teaching about how we humans relate to each other.
You do recognize that you have been damaged by abusive experiences in your childhood (great insight for you)......and, I fear that this sets you up to be vulnerable to broken or abusive men.
There is so much to learn.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Double-triple YES to the feminist groups on campus! Feminists are often denigrated as being "man-haters." Not true. Feminists LOVE men who treat them respectfully, as people of worth and intelligence. The abusive, disrespectful men are the only ones on the "yuck" list.
Feminists just want women to have a fair shake. To be treated well and valued. A bit of consciousness-raising to recognized when you're NOT being treated well or are being devalued is well worth the effort.
Feminists just want women to have a fair shake. To be treated well and valued. A bit of consciousness-raising to recognized when you're NOT being treated well or are being devalued is well worth the effort.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by jjj111
TTH, I will just share my read of the situation. Take what you need and leave the rest. But it sounds to me like he senses that you are a little timid and unsure about your sexuality, being a virgin, and that he is taking advantage of that to make you feel bad for not accommodating his aggressive and abusive behavior in bed. It's true, some people get into biting during sex and that's their prerogative, but a key part of it being consensual is that you ask the person BEFORE you do it. You can't just assume that someone enjoys being bitten hard, and you DEFINITELY don't repeat the behavior after you've been told no, or get mad at someone for not agreeing to it. The fact that he did this in bed doesn't make it OK. If he came up and bit you on the street you would be appalled, right? And the fact that he bit you on the face makes it really personal and over the top IMHO. That is an especially sadistic place to bite someone who doesn't want to be bitten. And you should also be aware that there are guys out there who will see you as a conquest just because you're a virgin. It's possible that the fact that you're a virgin is really playing into his sexual aggressiveness. The whole incident sounds really creepy to me, and I think it classifies this guy as dangerous. Don't let him intimidate you into thinking that you're just inexperienced and don't understand his needs. You have every right to explore your sexuality on your terms and should never feel shy about saying no if someone does something you don't like in bed. Just my .02.
Well, I dunno if he wanted to take advantage because he dumped me that day out of incompatibility (that's what he said) but, seeing many stuff he did on the past, it could be that he really wanted to make me feel bad.
I'm not against sexual stuff, I'm not a religious person and that is not the reason why I haven't had sex yet... It is just that I prefer waiting for someone that shows me he respects me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by LexieCat
EVERYBODY makes mistakes when they are young. If it isn't about relationships, it's money, or fooling around with drugs/alcohol, or something. And hopefully we learn from those mistakes. And people make mistakes all their lives, too. And sometimes bad stuff happens even when we've done everything "right."
So at 21, falling for the wrong guy, and even going back to him a couple of times, doesn't mean you are doomed to do this for the rest of your life. It DOES mean you need to think a bit about why you thought this relationship was "good" for you, so you don't repeat the pattern.
We CAN learn, and we CAN change. No matter how old/young we are. So please peel off that "loser" label you've stuck on your forehead and throw it away. This is a hard life lesson you are learning right now. But it's an important one. Learning from it NOW can spare you a lot of heartache down the road when you will have more at stake. Right now, you are sad. I don't mean to minimize that. But imagine being sad AND trapped with children and dependent on someone else's income. Imagine having to "start over" with nothing (or next to nothing) after a long marriage to someone who's an addict and/or abusive.
You can and will recover from this. I know it sucks right now, and it may continue to suck for a while. It pays to pick yourself up and examine what went on in this relationship so you can prove to YOURSELF that you can make better choices in the future.
So at 21, falling for the wrong guy, and even going back to him a couple of times, doesn't mean you are doomed to do this for the rest of your life. It DOES mean you need to think a bit about why you thought this relationship was "good" for you, so you don't repeat the pattern.
We CAN learn, and we CAN change. No matter how old/young we are. So please peel off that "loser" label you've stuck on your forehead and throw it away. This is a hard life lesson you are learning right now. But it's an important one. Learning from it NOW can spare you a lot of heartache down the road when you will have more at stake. Right now, you are sad. I don't mean to minimize that. But imagine being sad AND trapped with children and dependent on someone else's income. Imagine having to "start over" with nothing (or next to nothing) after a long marriage to someone who's an addict and/or abusive.
You can and will recover from this. I know it sucks right now, and it may continue to suck for a while. It pays to pick yourself up and examine what went on in this relationship so you can prove to YOURSELF that you can make better choices in the future.
He is not the man I need him to be and maybe never will.
As for me trying to fix that, I am aware that it should change right now.
I really don't want to feel like I feel now, ever again...
Thanks for your words
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Wow, thank you for sharing this. I was in my early 20s before I associated the word "alcoholic" with my father. He made a big announcement to my brother that he had quit drinking so everything was great, coupled with the words "I don't know what I ever did to you kids."
I hadn't been in contact with him for a couple of years by then, so I don't know how it all worked out for him. But I distinctly remember thinking, "Oh, he's an alcoholic, well that explains a lot. Good thing it didn't affect me at all."
Famous last words, right?
It's tremendous that you're taking proactive steps like counseling and reading and posting here for support to heal yourself. I wish I had had a tenth of your insight back then. You are changing. It feels slow and painful and like running though deep mud- lots of work and not getting anywhere. But one day you will see the payoff. It took years of exposure to alcoholism to do the damage, it won't all be undone overnight.
If you can, try Alanon. I know in our area some college-age members started a meeting on campus recently and they've had a good mix of students and longtimers attending. (Maybe trick your mom into hitting a meeting with you, lol).
My experiences alcoholic father shaped my relationship history, but my codie mom was my primary female role model, which did plenty of damage too, though I think she always meant well and was trying to protect me in her way.
I hadn't been in contact with him for a couple of years by then, so I don't know how it all worked out for him. But I distinctly remember thinking, "Oh, he's an alcoholic, well that explains a lot. Good thing it didn't affect me at all."
Famous last words, right?
It's tremendous that you're taking proactive steps like counseling and reading and posting here for support to heal yourself. I wish I had had a tenth of your insight back then. You are changing. It feels slow and painful and like running though deep mud- lots of work and not getting anywhere. But one day you will see the payoff. It took years of exposure to alcoholism to do the damage, it won't all be undone overnight.
If you can, try Alanon. I know in our area some college-age members started a meeting on campus recently and they've had a good mix of students and longtimers attending. (Maybe trick your mom into hitting a meeting with you, lol).
My experiences alcoholic father shaped my relationship history, but my codie mom was my primary female role model, which did plenty of damage too, though I think she always meant well and was trying to protect me in her way.
Thank you, I will try to talk to mom about meetings
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by dandylion
Yes......individual therapy does count....but, it can't do all the things necessary for your development as a person.Oh Yes....absolutely....stick with the therapy!!
Your brain has not even completely stopped growing, yet. Those influential people who inhabit your immediate environment are very powerful---especially, at this stage of your life. Their values, their philosophies, their social teachings----especially, teaching about how we humans relate to each other.
You do recognize that you have been damaged by abusive experiences in your childhood (great insight for you)......and, I fear that this sets you up to be vulnerable to broken or abusive men.
There is so much to learn.....
dandylion
Your brain has not even completely stopped growing, yet. Those influential people who inhabit your immediate environment are very powerful---especially, at this stage of your life. Their values, their philosophies, their social teachings----especially, teaching about how we humans relate to each other.
You do recognize that you have been damaged by abusive experiences in your childhood (great insight for you)......and, I fear that this sets you up to be vulnerable to broken or abusive men.
There is so much to learn.....
dandylion
I want to feel like my self respect is back with me.
I lost all of it in the last 2 years.. well maybe not all, but a huge part of it.
I'm very thankful to all of you in here and any suggestions will be helpful. I should start by stop blaming myself.
I really think that after this it will be much easier to let go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Double-triple YES to the feminist groups on campus! Feminists are often denigrated as being "man-haters." Not true. Feminists LOVE men who treat them respectfully, as people of worth and intelligence. The abusive, disrespectful men are the only ones on the "yuck" list.
Feminists just want women to have a fair shake. To be treated well and valued. A bit of consciousness-raising to recognized when you're NOT being treated well or are being devalued is well worth the effort.
Feminists just want women to have a fair shake. To be treated well and valued. A bit of consciousness-raising to recognized when you're NOT being treated well or are being devalued is well worth the effort.
I'll ask her if I can join some group.
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As you heal and gain strength, your mother will begin to see it. You will gain a voice and be able to say the things you want and learn that you have a right to keep things to yourself. As you start making good decisions, your confidence will grow. It takes time, all that you need. Nothing wrong or weird about being a virgin. I wanted to be a nun when I was little. Changed my mind about 14! Lol!
Don't worry about sex being important to guys. Somewhere there is a guy who will know YOU'RE import and will take the time to know you. He will share and respect you're values because you are worth it.
Frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're ex and mom have their own issues to deal with. You're ex thinks love is destroying yourself for his enjoyment and you're mom thinks that love is grounding a grown woman and that will somehow heal a broken heart. Time and support heal, not locked doors. You will learn that love comes from within your healthy self. When you get that, no one will ever be able to tell you that you don't know how to love. You will look at them and know that they are speaking from their own brokenness.
Don't worry about sex being important to guys. Somewhere there is a guy who will know YOU'RE import and will take the time to know you. He will share and respect you're values because you are worth it.
Frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're ex and mom have their own issues to deal with. You're ex thinks love is destroying yourself for his enjoyment and you're mom thinks that love is grounding a grown woman and that will somehow heal a broken heart. Time and support heal, not locked doors. You will learn that love comes from within your healthy self. When you get that, no one will ever be able to tell you that you don't know how to love. You will look at them and know that they are speaking from their own brokenness.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Duckygirl1
As you heal and gain strength, your mother will begin to see it. You will gain a voice and be able to say the things you want and learn that you have a right to keep things to yourself. As you start making good decisions, your confidence will grow. It takes time, all that you need. Nothing wrong or weird about being a virgin. I wanted to be a nun when I was little. Changed my mind about 14! Lol!
Don't worry about sex being important to guys. Somewhere there is a guy who will know YOU'RE import and will take the time to know you. He will share and respect you're values because you are worth it.
Frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're ex and mom have their own issues to deal with. You're ex thinks love is destroying yourself for his enjoyment and you're mom thinks that love is grounding a grown woman and that will somehow heal a broken heart. Time and support heal, not locked doors. You will learn that love comes from within your healthy self. When you get that, no one will ever be able to tell you that you don't know how to love. You will look at them and know that they are speaking from their own brokenness.
Don't worry about sex being important to guys. Somewhere there is a guy who will know YOU'RE import and will take the time to know you. He will share and respect you're values because you are worth it.
Frankly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way. You're ex and mom have their own issues to deal with. You're ex thinks love is destroying yourself for his enjoyment and you're mom thinks that love is grounding a grown woman and that will somehow heal a broken heart. Time and support heal, not locked doors. You will learn that love comes from within your healthy self. When you get that, no one will ever be able to tell you that you don't know how to love. You will look at them and know that they are speaking from their own brokenness.
As for him, he said it simply to hurt me. Or that's just my guess... (speaking from our past and his reactions when he didn't got what he wanted, it really could be)...
I want to be able to feel like he's lost his chance instead of feeling like it's the other way around. I want to get some pride back I guess... now I have none.
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