Sick of not living/feeling resentful
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You were definitely affected by his drinking yes you should be here and Al Anon.
Perhaps a less myopic view of either/or would benefit you. You either blame it on alcoholism, or want to blame it on whatever the myriad of other issues were (or as you see it its your fault). Its most likely that it was a combination of both.
I'm curious - what exactly is the "bottom line" so to speak going to do for you? I'm wondering if perhaps you are still thinking that you can fix this relationship, and if that is why you are spending so much time and energy trying to pigeon hole what went wrong.
Perhaps a less myopic view of either/or would benefit you. You either blame it on alcoholism, or want to blame it on whatever the myriad of other issues were (or as you see it its your fault). Its most likely that it was a combination of both.
I'm curious - what exactly is the "bottom line" so to speak going to do for you? I'm wondering if perhaps you are still thinking that you can fix this relationship, and if that is why you are spending so much time and energy trying to pigeon hole what went wrong.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
So he was an alcoholic and I was or became an anxious control freak who tried to force him into becoming someone he wasn't or didn't want to be, so he left and ignores me to be free of me!!!
Bottom line, maybe I do think I can fix it if I can figure out where I went wrong. I need to know what went wrong to achieve acceptance and closure. How can someone want their life with you, yes ok have issues with alcohol but be so determined that he loved me more than anything and couldn't imagine their life without me.
Bottom line, maybe I do think I can fix it if I can figure out where I went wrong. I need to know what went wrong to achieve acceptance and closure. How can someone want their life with you, yes ok have issues with alcohol but be so determined that he loved me more than anything and couldn't imagine their life without me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
All I can say, Butterfly, is that it happens all the time. Not just to you. Alcoholics abandon their loved ones. Sober people do it, too. You do NOT need to know what went wrong to achieve acceptance. That's basically what acceptance IS--accepting the truth of sometimes unpleasant and inexplicable happenings.
If, god forbid, something horrible happened to your child--dread disease, victim of a horrible crime, freak accident, whatever--you would never have an "explanation" that would satisfy you. You would still be grief-stricken. But grief-stricken people can still come to a place of ACCEPTANCE. And that is similar to what you are facing here. Something that hurts badly, for which you are unlikely ever to get a satisfactory "because."
It is what it is. It is a fact of your life. You are unlikely ever to get an explanation or understanding of it.
So that's it? You are stopping everything in your life because of that? Isn't it a little bit like a kid holding his breath till he turns blue?
You are NOT UNIQUE. I'd venture to say the vast majority of us on this forum have grappled with "why" our loved ones didn't love us enough to get well, why they left us, why they abused us, why they abandoned their children, their jobs, all of it. Most of us have achieved (or are working on) ACCEPTING those facts, unpleasant as they are, and inexplicable as they are. The more we accept, the more open we are to happiness.
You can STAY where you are, or you can trust those of us who have been there. That it IS possible to accept, and to move on.
If, god forbid, something horrible happened to your child--dread disease, victim of a horrible crime, freak accident, whatever--you would never have an "explanation" that would satisfy you. You would still be grief-stricken. But grief-stricken people can still come to a place of ACCEPTANCE. And that is similar to what you are facing here. Something that hurts badly, for which you are unlikely ever to get a satisfactory "because."
It is what it is. It is a fact of your life. You are unlikely ever to get an explanation or understanding of it.
So that's it? You are stopping everything in your life because of that? Isn't it a little bit like a kid holding his breath till he turns blue?
You are NOT UNIQUE. I'd venture to say the vast majority of us on this forum have grappled with "why" our loved ones didn't love us enough to get well, why they left us, why they abused us, why they abandoned their children, their jobs, all of it. Most of us have achieved (or are working on) ACCEPTING those facts, unpleasant as they are, and inexplicable as they are. The more we accept, the more open we are to happiness.
You can STAY where you are, or you can trust those of us who have been there. That it IS possible to accept, and to move on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Butterfly, I'm on the same page with Anvil here.
It doesn't matter one iota what he was, who he was, how he thought; it doesn't matter one iota who he is, how he thinks, what happened that he left; and it doesn't matter who he will become, what he will think, or what he will do.
You are now in a different universe than he is in. You will never be in the same universe again.
There is one thing that matters immensely: who you are now and who you want to become.
You keep asking why he left and what that says about you and using your guesses to beat yourself up. I think that it's not that the answers to your questions are wrong or flawed.
The problem is that they are the wrong questions to ask.
For me, when I left my now XH almost three years ago, my first series of questions were about him, why the marriage failed, what role his drinking played, was I wrong to have left, could I have behaved differently to fix it. I needed to ask those questions and I did, but the answers didn't give me much insight.
The next stage, for me, was looking who I was, what I liked about myself and what I didn't, and how I had impacted my marriage. That was more useful. I did begin to review my own behavior and I did begin to see where I wished I had behaved differently. Not to try to keep him or salvage the marriage, but because I needed to own my own behavior in order to move forward.
And that segued into what was most important of all and most scarey of all: who am I now, and who do I want to be? It was often easier to drift back into the earlier stage of questions; I didn't have to take measure of what I liked about my behavior and what I didn't. I didn't have to face myself or face my future.
The stage beyond that has been the most productive and is leading me to more happiness than I ever expected.
As I figure out who I am and who I want to be, there is a creative energy that comes into play that says "I CAN be who I want; I can choose to be happy; I can choose to change whenever and wherever I decide I need to change."
Identifying and owning my past behavior and its consequences is leading me to the freedom to choose to change it. The emotional bonds that I created and that led me to stay for almost 20 years in what had evolved into a destructive and painful relationship - I realize that those emotional bonds were of my own creation, and I could break them and choose happier ways to live.
And I am now, three years out, seeing people come into my life who are different - caring, oriented toward other people's needs, happy, humble, focused on sharing and enriching their lives and the lives of those around them. That people are like this is a revelation to me, and it encourages me to find the best parts of myself and grow them and to put my old destructive behavior patterns on extinction.
I think from reading your posts and the many caring - if sometimes pointed - responses you are getting - that you are at this pivot point and can't just seem to get the momentum going to swing forward.
I'd suggest re-directing your thoughts away from him and reframing your questions to be about YOU and what YOU want your life to be.
It is out there for you; you are just putting out too much negative noise about the past to be able to hear the future. Open up your mindset; look wider and broader and bigger forward into what you want to create for a happy life, and I think that will tip the balance for you away from the pain, suffering and loss of the past.
There is more out there for all of us.
ShootingStar1
It doesn't matter one iota what he was, who he was, how he thought; it doesn't matter one iota who he is, how he thinks, what happened that he left; and it doesn't matter who he will become, what he will think, or what he will do.
You are now in a different universe than he is in. You will never be in the same universe again.
There is one thing that matters immensely: who you are now and who you want to become.
You keep asking why he left and what that says about you and using your guesses to beat yourself up. I think that it's not that the answers to your questions are wrong or flawed.
The problem is that they are the wrong questions to ask.
For me, when I left my now XH almost three years ago, my first series of questions were about him, why the marriage failed, what role his drinking played, was I wrong to have left, could I have behaved differently to fix it. I needed to ask those questions and I did, but the answers didn't give me much insight.
The next stage, for me, was looking who I was, what I liked about myself and what I didn't, and how I had impacted my marriage. That was more useful. I did begin to review my own behavior and I did begin to see where I wished I had behaved differently. Not to try to keep him or salvage the marriage, but because I needed to own my own behavior in order to move forward.
And that segued into what was most important of all and most scarey of all: who am I now, and who do I want to be? It was often easier to drift back into the earlier stage of questions; I didn't have to take measure of what I liked about my behavior and what I didn't. I didn't have to face myself or face my future.
The stage beyond that has been the most productive and is leading me to more happiness than I ever expected.
As I figure out who I am and who I want to be, there is a creative energy that comes into play that says "I CAN be who I want; I can choose to be happy; I can choose to change whenever and wherever I decide I need to change."
Identifying and owning my past behavior and its consequences is leading me to the freedom to choose to change it. The emotional bonds that I created and that led me to stay for almost 20 years in what had evolved into a destructive and painful relationship - I realize that those emotional bonds were of my own creation, and I could break them and choose happier ways to live.
And I am now, three years out, seeing people come into my life who are different - caring, oriented toward other people's needs, happy, humble, focused on sharing and enriching their lives and the lives of those around them. That people are like this is a revelation to me, and it encourages me to find the best parts of myself and grow them and to put my old destructive behavior patterns on extinction.
I think from reading your posts and the many caring - if sometimes pointed - responses you are getting - that you are at this pivot point and can't just seem to get the momentum going to swing forward.
I'd suggest re-directing your thoughts away from him and reframing your questions to be about YOU and what YOU want your life to be.
It is out there for you; you are just putting out too much negative noise about the past to be able to hear the future. Open up your mindset; look wider and broader and bigger forward into what you want to create for a happy life, and I think that will tip the balance for you away from the pain, suffering and loss of the past.
There is more out there for all of us.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Butterfly, I am still working through all the abandonment.
This is what's helping me: the abandonment is not about me. It's about him.
I know you know that, and I know it HURTS to be abandoned. But really think about it. It doesn't matter what you did, who you are- he still would've left. You could've been a supermodel or the BEST, SWEETEST wife in the world. You could've been super nice to him while he treated you like crap. He still would have left.
It's not about you. It's about him.
This is what's helping me: the abandonment is not about me. It's about him.
I know you know that, and I know it HURTS to be abandoned. But really think about it. It doesn't matter what you did, who you are- he still would've left. You could've been a supermodel or the BEST, SWEETEST wife in the world. You could've been super nice to him while he treated you like crap. He still would have left.
It's not about you. It's about him.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Butterfly, I am struggling with the same questions you are. But I think both of us need to try to accept what is IS, and nothing we do or don't do is going to change it. The sooner we accept that the marriage is over, the sooner we can take the focus off of our A's and back where it should have been on us. I know I did everything I could have done to be a good wife to my stbxah. I know I made mistakes, but through all of the abuse and alcohol, I mainly was kind, understanding, encouraging, supportive, and gave him unconditional love. After I learned more about the abuse and the alcoholism, I was able to be calmer and show him more compassion. I never told him he had to stop drinking, or that he had to go to batterer prevention program. I told him I loved him and accepted him good and bad. And he still chose to be abusive emotionally and verbally and still is choosing divorce. I know there is nothing I could have done, it wouldn't have mattered which way I chose to handle things. He made up his mind to treat me the way he did from the beginning and was going to treat me that way no matter what I did or didn't do. It is difficult to accept that I could love someone with all of my heart and cherish a marriage that meant nothing to my husband. I do not think the way he does. And I bet you did not think the way your AH does. So there is no way either of us will ever understand and I also bet our A's don't even know why they do what they do. Try and accept he is gone. Try and focus on you and your recovery so that you don't repeat this with someone else. I know you are scared and sad and lonely. But weren't you all those things in the marriage also? At least now there is a glimmer of hope that you will be able to have a happy life that isn't lonely or scary. I know it is but wrenchingly painful. I am right there with you. As many on here are. I would literally give my right arm and anything else to have a healthy relationship with my husband. But he isn't healthy and until he is that will never happen. Same with your A.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think some very valuable pointers in ShootingStar and SearchingPeace's posts.
We all define marriage and or relationships in certain ways. Part of the issue, if not ALL of the issue, is failure for both partners to define it the same way.
We all define marriage and or relationships in certain ways. Part of the issue, if not ALL of the issue, is failure for both partners to define it the same way.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Butterfly, some people get married and then realize they miss the single life. The carefree ways, the fly by the seat of your pants life. I miss that sometimes too, but heck, someone has to be responsible and do the right thing, looks like it's going to be me. It's my responsibility to teach my children what life really looks like, and how to have a happy and healthy life themselves. My little DD who is 9 was watching a show w/me last night that was a true story. She said, "That man is just a jerk. He only cares about himself. He reminds me of dad, I am so glad you divorced him." Wow, that drove it home, again.
Butterfly, put the focus on you. What do YOU want from life, and how can you achieve that. Push them to get you a new counselor, you need to be in counseling. Push yourself to step out of the box of unhappiness that you are in, try something new. One thing that I have met tons of people is a local group here that meets on Saturdays called the K-9 Cruisers. Basically a bunch of people who walk our dogs together. A local pet supply is the one who put it together, but really, anyone could have. It's a bunch of random people who I never would have met before. And the best part, totally and completely free.
I know your hurting and that you feel abandoned. However, you cannot/could not fix him. It's time to focus on YOU.
Much love coming your way my friend. XXX
Butterfly, put the focus on you. What do YOU want from life, and how can you achieve that. Push them to get you a new counselor, you need to be in counseling. Push yourself to step out of the box of unhappiness that you are in, try something new. One thing that I have met tons of people is a local group here that meets on Saturdays called the K-9 Cruisers. Basically a bunch of people who walk our dogs together. A local pet supply is the one who put it together, but really, anyone could have. It's a bunch of random people who I never would have met before. And the best part, totally and completely free.
I know your hurting and that you feel abandoned. However, you cannot/could not fix him. It's time to focus on YOU.
Much love coming your way my friend. XXX
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Butterfly -
I am sorry you are hurting so much, I have been there before.
Honestly, the only way out of this is up to you hon.
At some point we all must learn to stop being the victim and move on. I say this will all the kindness in my heart and am certainly not trying to play off abuse.
Your children need you, no matter their age, they need you.
Hugs and all the best hon
I am sorry you are hurting so much, I have been there before.
Honestly, the only way out of this is up to you hon.
At some point we all must learn to stop being the victim and move on. I say this will all the kindness in my heart and am certainly not trying to play off abuse.
Your children need you, no matter their age, they need you.
Hugs and all the best hon
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you Lexie, I do trust you all, thank you.
Thank you shootingstar, is that not what I'm doing looking at how my behaviour impacted the marriage, looking at my behaviour??
Thank you Flavian and searching, I wish I could believe it's about him.
Thank you red, hopeful and knowthetriggers.
Is that what I am doing playing the victim??
Thank you shootingstar, is that not what I'm doing looking at how my behaviour impacted the marriage, looking at my behaviour??
Thank you Flavian and searching, I wish I could believe it's about him.
Thank you red, hopeful and knowthetriggers.
Is that what I am doing playing the victim??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
No I don't think you are playing a victim. I think you are utterly confused by trying to figure out what went wrong.
I think you are also still hoping you can repair this relationship so you can feel you are ok. Your value is tied to whether this man is married to you/loves you/wants to be with you. When he rejected you, you decided you have no value. Therefore, you keep trying to pinpoint exactly what went wrong so you can FIX it.
In moments of clarity I think you can be ok that he is gone - but you think the "thing" about you that you attribute to the failure of the marriage will follow you into future relationships resulting in future failure, or no relationship at all.
At least that is how I see it. I am not a psychologist I only play one on TV
I think you are also still hoping you can repair this relationship so you can feel you are ok. Your value is tied to whether this man is married to you/loves you/wants to be with you. When he rejected you, you decided you have no value. Therefore, you keep trying to pinpoint exactly what went wrong so you can FIX it.
In moments of clarity I think you can be ok that he is gone - but you think the "thing" about you that you attribute to the failure of the marriage will follow you into future relationships resulting in future failure, or no relationship at all.
At least that is how I see it. I am not a psychologist I only play one on TV
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Butterfly, maybe you feel so abandoned because of something that happened in your past or childhood. I know when I feel like my stbxah is rejecting me, it triggers feelings from my childhood that I haven't been able to process and deal with yet. So it isn't about him, it is more about how his actions make me feel and bring up old wounds. It helps to somehow know that. Or at least it does for me. So maybe if you can think of it that way, maybe it will help. Does that make any sense?
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