Sick of not living/feeling resentful
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
I'm sorry you feel so terrible. You seem stuck in the problem but not considering any sort of solution. Are you going to Alanon, have a sponsor and working the steps? What I learned from my own situation is that I couldn't think my way out of self-pity and resentment, I had to take actions (like Alanon). And the degree of participation was directly reflected by my growing self-esteem and peace of mind. A big hug.
I still don't have much "social life" to speak of, no dating or anything, but participating in Alanon service on top of raising my boys and my writing keeps me fulfilled.
I recently co-chaired a big annual event and got up on stage to read and introduce the main speaker for the evening. It was a little nerve-wracking, but afterward I felt great because I know that even a couple of years ago I NEVER would have pictured myself doing something like that. Plus people were coming up to me all night hugging and congratulating me, which was a good feeling.
It doesn't have to be Alanon service, though I have found the program to be a great supplement to my work in counseling. Since you are a dog lover, you might look for some opportunities to volunteer at an animal shelter. It won't cost you anything and you'll be out of the house having new experiences.
@Stung- LOVE LOVE LOVE "the gratitudes." Your girls are so precious. And I also love me some juicy pears. I think I'll try this with DS 6.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Butterfly, sorry you are hurting so much.
It doesn't matter how you analyse it, who did what, whose fault was this or that. It doesn't matter because it won't change anything. All it will do is keep you trapped, unable to move forward and missing out on your future.
Gratitude can come from the smallest things, not just the obvious. A piece of cake, a movie, reading a book in bed, a peaceful home.
I know your self esteem has taken a beating but what your ex has done or didn't do is no reflection on what you are worth. Take a look at him. You are seeking love and approval from someone who has no capacity to give it to you. It's an empty well.
Sometimes we hang on too long in relationships. We lose respect for ourselves and the other person loses respect for us because they know they are treating us badly and we don't leave. We teach others how to treat us. Forgive yourself, take it as a lesson learned and slowly one day at a time do something that makes you feel good. Make a conscious effort to change your thinking when you start to delve into the analysing. Realise it is wasteful, will change nothing. Forgive yourself, accept the reality and let him go.
It doesn't matter how you analyse it, who did what, whose fault was this or that. It doesn't matter because it won't change anything. All it will do is keep you trapped, unable to move forward and missing out on your future.
Gratitude can come from the smallest things, not just the obvious. A piece of cake, a movie, reading a book in bed, a peaceful home.
I know your self esteem has taken a beating but what your ex has done or didn't do is no reflection on what you are worth. Take a look at him. You are seeking love and approval from someone who has no capacity to give it to you. It's an empty well.
Sometimes we hang on too long in relationships. We lose respect for ourselves and the other person loses respect for us because they know they are treating us badly and we don't leave. We teach others how to treat us. Forgive yourself, take it as a lesson learned and slowly one day at a time do something that makes you feel good. Make a conscious effort to change your thinking when you start to delve into the analysing. Realise it is wasteful, will change nothing. Forgive yourself, accept the reality and let him go.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
ButterflyPerhaps look to your name sake, which started out as a caterpillar and is now a magnificent butterfly. Except in this case, you have the power to decide.
A caterpillar has a fairly limited world--only where it is able to move under its own power. Your world has become limited by your own choice.
A butterfly can fly far and wide....some even make major multi-continental migrations. Your world can become bright, joy-filled, and free from grief and sorrow if you choose to work toward that goal.
I have faith in you, Butterfly!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Butterfly (((hugs)))!!! Have you ever seen a robotic toy hit a wall, turn around and then hit again, and again, and again?
Its clear you are stuck in a cycle of feeling this way, then seeming to make progress only to return back to the same point of "why did he leave? This is my fault, if only I had.....its not about the alcohol its about me".
I think its clear this marriage has been in problem mode since day one. No I don't think your issues here were only about his alcoholism. It seems that what you have tried to do throughout is mold yourself to whatever it took to capture your husband and keep him there. You have internalized your inability to become what he wanted, and seem to self flagellate daily because he left.
You speak of being scared about the future and whether or not you will find love again. I must point out that what you have been living for 18 years is not indicative of a loving or healthy relationship AT ALL - rather obsession. Constantly leaving and coming back, staying gone for years at a time, alcoholism, this isn't normal, or loving, or healthy.
I know it burns that (as you view it) he is doing much better than you are. Maybe he is, maybe he realized that the two of your together were not good. Thing is you take the onus of that all on yourself there is really no mention of any of this being HIS fault, you make it all YOURS and what you lacked.
Good grief Butterfly, does contorting yourself to be what another wants sound like any sort of life at all? You sound like you have imprisoned yourself in your mind. You are free of this maddening relationship. You no longer have to tap dance, he is not the puppet master. You don't have to sit at home and wonder where he is or what he is doing.
I think you have a lot of unresolved anger toward yourself. Maybe more anger toward yourself than at him though it doesn't seem that way.
Its clear you are stuck in a cycle of feeling this way, then seeming to make progress only to return back to the same point of "why did he leave? This is my fault, if only I had.....its not about the alcohol its about me".
I think its clear this marriage has been in problem mode since day one. No I don't think your issues here were only about his alcoholism. It seems that what you have tried to do throughout is mold yourself to whatever it took to capture your husband and keep him there. You have internalized your inability to become what he wanted, and seem to self flagellate daily because he left.
You speak of being scared about the future and whether or not you will find love again. I must point out that what you have been living for 18 years is not indicative of a loving or healthy relationship AT ALL - rather obsession. Constantly leaving and coming back, staying gone for years at a time, alcoholism, this isn't normal, or loving, or healthy.
I know it burns that (as you view it) he is doing much better than you are. Maybe he is, maybe he realized that the two of your together were not good. Thing is you take the onus of that all on yourself there is really no mention of any of this being HIS fault, you make it all YOURS and what you lacked.
Good grief Butterfly, does contorting yourself to be what another wants sound like any sort of life at all? You sound like you have imprisoned yourself in your mind. You are free of this maddening relationship. You no longer have to tap dance, he is not the puppet master. You don't have to sit at home and wonder where he is or what he is doing.
I think you have a lot of unresolved anger toward yourself. Maybe more anger toward yourself than at him though it doesn't seem that way.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I have abandonment issues from my childhood. Although I never 100% figured out what happened, acknowledging that my fears of being without someone went back that far helped make that tightness in my heart and throat much more bearable. It loosened my death grip on my RAH.
I've written about this here and there on SR.
Hugs Butterfly!
HAve you tried meditation? Free stuff on YouTube! Inner child, third eye, sleeping, chakra cleansing - I try them all!
Walk outside. Get some sun.
Talk to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself all the stuff you have managed! Thank yourself.
One of my things is running. I remain quite terrible at it. But that means I have to really work at it and concentrate. Takes my whole head telling myself to keep going and don't fall... In fact, I'm off to run a 5K. My teen is proud that I do it even though I am not good at it because I think I show perseverance. Also I run-walk intervals. That is how I get through half marathons. I'm making a huge garland of all of my race bibs. Quite festive.
Not having much money is no excuse to not work at re-creating yourself.
Take care sweet pea.
I've written about this here and there on SR.
Hugs Butterfly!
HAve you tried meditation? Free stuff on YouTube! Inner child, third eye, sleeping, chakra cleansing - I try them all!
Walk outside. Get some sun.
Talk to yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself all the stuff you have managed! Thank yourself.
One of my things is running. I remain quite terrible at it. But that means I have to really work at it and concentrate. Takes my whole head telling myself to keep going and don't fall... In fact, I'm off to run a 5K. My teen is proud that I do it even though I am not good at it because I think I show perseverance. Also I run-walk intervals. That is how I get through half marathons. I'm making a huge garland of all of my race bibs. Quite festive.
Not having much money is no excuse to not work at re-creating yourself.
Take care sweet pea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Butterfly-
To paraphrase Mike: "I started changing when the pain of staying hurt too much." He often said it in terms of staying/leaving with an A. I have found for me that it is much more about how I live my life....with or without someone.
Taking on and whipping myself regarding "cause" of the split from my relationship is really familiar to me. I did it for a long time. I needed to do it as long as I did so I could grow and change from it. It was a miserable feeling.
I want to congratulate you for putting it out there and admitting it.
What helped for me was support. Al-Anon, therapy, etc. Talking about this feeling helped to dissipate it. For me it was less about the relationship and more about my relationship in the world, but I had to work through and that frankly it took me much longer than 13 months to do it. At 13 months I was JUST dealing with the shock and denial of the disease of addiction in my life.....my recovery, real recovery has taken me deeper and longer than that.
I will say what did not help, heaping more guilt and shame upon myself because I could not "get it right," I could not do what I needed to do and I was still stuck after a period of time. It took what it took, timewise and otherwise, as long as I was open to learning, and taking baby steps I was moving forward.
So please be gentle with yourself today.
Gratitude was important to me, but I found that I struggled with KNOWING what I liked so I had to make a list (this is still REALLY REALLY HARD for me). Gratitude was not, but self care, giving myself permission to watch a movie and just veg or get a massage or a pedicure or whatever was really hard.
So what do you like to do, be etc?
To paraphrase Mike: "I started changing when the pain of staying hurt too much." He often said it in terms of staying/leaving with an A. I have found for me that it is much more about how I live my life....with or without someone.
Taking on and whipping myself regarding "cause" of the split from my relationship is really familiar to me. I did it for a long time. I needed to do it as long as I did so I could grow and change from it. It was a miserable feeling.
I want to congratulate you for putting it out there and admitting it.
What helped for me was support. Al-Anon, therapy, etc. Talking about this feeling helped to dissipate it. For me it was less about the relationship and more about my relationship in the world, but I had to work through and that frankly it took me much longer than 13 months to do it. At 13 months I was JUST dealing with the shock and denial of the disease of addiction in my life.....my recovery, real recovery has taken me deeper and longer than that.
I will say what did not help, heaping more guilt and shame upon myself because I could not "get it right," I could not do what I needed to do and I was still stuck after a period of time. It took what it took, timewise and otherwise, as long as I was open to learning, and taking baby steps I was moving forward.
So please be gentle with yourself today.
Gratitude was important to me, but I found that I struggled with KNOWING what I liked so I had to make a list (this is still REALLY REALLY HARD for me). Gratitude was not, but self care, giving myself permission to watch a movie and just veg or get a massage or a pedicure or whatever was really hard.
So what do you like to do, be etc?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
For me the first step of moving forward after the devastation was not to accept others and what they are or had done, but to accept Myself, for who and what I was, every day, for what I had done, and for what I had chosen. Only when I had accepted myself could others really accept me, too, and only then could life feel fresh and new and full of possibility.
In other words, I had to learn not to judge, not to criticize, not to shame, not to belittle, not to dismiss, but to accept.
I had to choose to move on. I am not sure you have done that part yet, Butterfly. We are here for you no matter what.
In other words, I had to learn not to judge, not to criticize, not to shame, not to belittle, not to dismiss, but to accept.
I had to choose to move on. I am not sure you have done that part yet, Butterfly. We are here for you no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Butterfly...big hugs to you. I sympathize with you as this is something I still have struggles with from time to time. It helped me to read everyone's comments! For me, what I have realized is that the 2 things that are huge sore points with me are rejection and abandonment. These issues far preceded my relationship with my ex and I have projected all, or most, of it onto the situation with him. If I have to be honest, I don't want anything with him and I don't see a future with him, but damn it, why doesn't HE want to be with ME...lol. I am looking to an unavailable person (like my parents before him) to try and recreate the past and heal old childhood wounds! It is so much more about me than my ex. I too, used to be be very hard on myself and blame myself for everything! The world certainly revolved around me... I felt overly responsible for other people's actions. If they were upset, it had to be something I did and I'd feel rejected. The fact that a very unhealthy man with an almost lifelong battle with addiction couldn't get it together for ME made me feel wounded and abandoned. I hope this makes some sense to you.
I know it is hard to get outside of your own head and obsessiveness; that is why you need to make a concerted effort to switch gears when your mind starts and fill it with positive thoughts.Lots of self care...I journal daily, start each morning with a quiet time and some readings. I say out loud what I am grateful for..maybe you can try adding one new thing to your list each day, even if it's the little things like someone's simple act of kindness or even just for a sunny day...you get the picture. The more I started doing little things for myself, the easier it became for me to accept that I was lovable and worth treating myself with kindness. Al Anon has been a huge help to me. The beauty of it is that it is your program to work however you wish. I feel you can have any type of belief system (or not) and still get so much out of it. I am not implying it is an easy road. I still have struggles, especially lately again. But each time, I process it much quicker than before, gain some new perspective, and keep moving forward. I had to really start looking inward, and not outward to others, to heal and feel better. If you can do this, you will come out the other side...I promise you.
I know it is hard to get outside of your own head and obsessiveness; that is why you need to make a concerted effort to switch gears when your mind starts and fill it with positive thoughts.Lots of self care...I journal daily, start each morning with a quiet time and some readings. I say out loud what I am grateful for..maybe you can try adding one new thing to your list each day, even if it's the little things like someone's simple act of kindness or even just for a sunny day...you get the picture. The more I started doing little things for myself, the easier it became for me to accept that I was lovable and worth treating myself with kindness. Al Anon has been a huge help to me. The beauty of it is that it is your program to work however you wish. I feel you can have any type of belief system (or not) and still get so much out of it. I am not implying it is an easy road. I still have struggles, especially lately again. But each time, I process it much quicker than before, gain some new perspective, and keep moving forward. I had to really start looking inward, and not outward to others, to heal and feel better. If you can do this, you will come out the other side...I promise you.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Butterfly (((hugs)))!!! Have you ever seen a robotic toy hit a wall, turn around and then hit again, and again, and again?
Its clear you are stuck in a cycle of feeling this way, then seeming to make progress only to return back to the same point of "why did he leave? This is my fault, if only I had.....its not about the alcohol its about me".
I think its clear this marriage has been in problem mode since day one. No I don't think your issues here were only about his alcoholism. It seems that what you have tried to do throughout is mold yourself to whatever it took to capture your husband and keep him there. You have internalized your inability to become what he wanted, and seem to self flagellate daily because he left.
You speak of being scared about the future and whether or not you will find love again. I must point out that what you have been living for 18 years is not indicative of a loving or healthy relationship AT ALL - rather obsession. Constantly leaving and coming back, staying gone for years at a time, alcoholism, this isn't normal, or loving, or healthy.
I know it burns that (as you view it) he is doing much better than you are. Maybe he is, maybe he realized that the two of your together were not good. Thing is you take the onus of that all on yourself there is really no mention of any of this being HIS fault, you make it all YOURS and what you lacked.
Good grief Butterfly, does contorting yourself to be what another wants sound like any sort of life at all? You sound like you have imprisoned yourself in your mind. You are free of this maddening relationship. You no longer have to tap dance, he is not the puppet master. You don't have to sit at home and wonder where he is or what he is doing.
I think you have a lot of unresolved anger toward yourself. Maybe more anger toward yourself than at him though it doesn't seem that way.
Its clear you are stuck in a cycle of feeling this way, then seeming to make progress only to return back to the same point of "why did he leave? This is my fault, if only I had.....its not about the alcohol its about me".
I think its clear this marriage has been in problem mode since day one. No I don't think your issues here were only about his alcoholism. It seems that what you have tried to do throughout is mold yourself to whatever it took to capture your husband and keep him there. You have internalized your inability to become what he wanted, and seem to self flagellate daily because he left.
You speak of being scared about the future and whether or not you will find love again. I must point out that what you have been living for 18 years is not indicative of a loving or healthy relationship AT ALL - rather obsession. Constantly leaving and coming back, staying gone for years at a time, alcoholism, this isn't normal, or loving, or healthy.
I know it burns that (as you view it) he is doing much better than you are. Maybe he is, maybe he realized that the two of your together were not good. Thing is you take the onus of that all on yourself there is really no mention of any of this being HIS fault, you make it all YOURS and what you lacked.
Good grief Butterfly, does contorting yourself to be what another wants sound like any sort of life at all? You sound like you have imprisoned yourself in your mind. You are free of this maddening relationship. You no longer have to tap dance, he is not the puppet master. You don't have to sit at home and wonder where he is or what he is doing.
I think you have a lot of unresolved anger toward yourself. Maybe more anger toward yourself than at him though it doesn't seem that way.
Deep down I've always known that my marriage wasn't healthy but I clung on because I love him and thought he love me, believing all his words and promises turning myself inside out until I lost myself and I became this anxious controlling person, constantly petrified that he would leave again, believing that I was overreacting to his drinking and making a bigger deal of it than what it was. I lost myself and yes your right I wasn't living any sort of life. I hoped he'd change, I hoped so many things but most of all I hoped we would make it through this and come out the other end. I basically entered a marriage like my parents, although there was no addiction, my dad had an affair, my stbxah was an A who wanted to do what. He wanted and only change when he decided to.but my mum constantly left as did ex A. My mum never forgive my dad and I never forgave ex A for what he did at the start of my marriage and feared he would return to that way of living. I'm not sure he ever moved away from it though, he just found different way to drink, staying at his mums, while she was away on holiday for a week or two to look after their cat, drinking every week with his dad or going to his brothers for the weekend, or looking after his aunt and living with her for over a year that seemed to control his drinking and mostly he could hold off.
I have no idea who iam, what I like, I feel lost and broken.
I think I still hoped this right up until he gave me the divorce papers and even when I wrote the letter, I thought it would give me closure but after a while I realised I had hoped he would come to his senses and come home, he didn't, what he did do was try to manipulate me into agreeing to his terms of divorce, not using solicitors, using the money for the kids make it an amicable divorce.
I don't know if I feel anger towards myself, I definitely feel shame, that I stayed for so long, that I believed him and had faith in how he said he felt about me, That I did things and agreed things so he would be happy and not leave and that I put my kids through so much because I wanted to be loved and not on my own Because if He left I wasn't good enough, I couldn't fix him, because if I could then I was worthy and the feelings I had growing up would go away. I have so much shame and fear!!
Maybe I did pester him, maybe if I hadn't taken 2 overdoses he would have left many yrs ago and never came back but yet he made so many plans for our future right up until he left. I think he just couldn't be the husband I needed, but yes I always come back to it was my fault because of my anxiety and my issues with his drinking. Yes I know that many of us have tried to control our A's and its being a co dependent but for me I keep coming back to it was my fault. Yet I know I did everything I could for him, my marriage was slowly killing me yet I think I'd still be in it if he hadn't walked.
There are times that I am angry with him, and I think he is the most selfish, thoughtless and inconsiderate B****** for how he has treated me and my kids, that it's a reflection on him with how he has behaved and not me, yet other times I think it's me, as I tortured him to the point where he decided he didn't want contact with me but then I think it was because when he spoke with me I was upset, wanting answers, wanting him to get help and he didn't want to face up to anything.
I have tried alanon and went to a few meetings and initially I loved it but then the manipulation about the divorce started, this is what he really wants and I was back to square one analysing everything he ever said trying to understand, yet I know I can't make logic out of the illogical. Yet I was back. In this cycle. I have definitely had less good days since the divorce papers arrived.
Sorry this is so long and it probably doesn't make any sense as I'm all over the place.
Thank you everyone for your replies, hugs and encouragement.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I didn't know who I was or what I liked, either, when I had my last breakup. It took time. Just allow for the POSSIBILITY of a fulfilling life. You don't have to envision the details or understand how you're going to get there. Just move feets. One step at a time. Try something new. Try if for a while. Don't like it? Try something else. You'll get there, trust me.
Believe me, you are more than whatsisname's wife (or soon-to-be-ex-wife). YOU are still in there. You might be a little bit buried under a lot of crap, but believe me, you're there.
Believe me, you are more than whatsisname's wife (or soon-to-be-ex-wife). YOU are still in there. You might be a little bit buried under a lot of crap, but believe me, you're there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
hey hon, I am 45 and I have one son in college and a daughter in high school, I just got out of a 23 yr marriage, no alcohol was involved, it just ended, we are to this day the best of friends. But then my AX came into my life, and I am lost too. some days I feel like I am ok and it is going to be ok, and some days I feel like I cannot get out of bed. I am so sorry you are going through this. I too do not know what I am going to do or what I like, I was a stay at home , PTA mom, and a good wife to the executive at work. I had my roles, and I thought I was ok with it. But here I sit, with my kids practically all grown up and no one needs me anymore. What will I do? and now that the AX is out of my life, I have a lot of free time to figure it out. It is lonely sometimes, but then I tell myself, this is what peace is like. I don't have to worry that he is in the hospital or jail or in a fight or something. I can actually go out for a bit and not be scared that he is going to need me and I should be home waiting for him. I have calm in my life right now, time to figure me out. What do I want to do? What do I like? You know I discovered that I like butter pecan ice cream. 
I never knew that. Now I have a favorite flavor. I am getting to know me. Hugs hon
PS. I still have moments when complete and utter sadness take over, at the most surprising times. I allow myself to feel that sadness at that moment. Then I shake it off, and move on. You can do this
I never knew that. Now I have a favorite flavor. I am getting to know me. Hugs honPS. I still have moments when complete and utter sadness take over, at the most surprising times. I allow myself to feel that sadness at that moment. Then I shake it off, and move on. You can do this
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by daydreamer0217
What do I like? You know I discovered that I like butter pecan ice cream. I never knew that. Now I have a favorite flavor. I am getting to know me. Hugs hon
I never knew that. Now I have a favorite flavor. I am getting to know me. Hugs hon Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
my daughter plays the guitar, and her go to usually is Green Day I am packing up my car in about 6 weeks and doing a 23 hour drive , by myself, to the midwest to go see family. Look at me : all by myself. I don't think I have ever stayed in a hotel by myself without hubby or kids. I definitely have never done a road trip. My new adventure awaits me. That is great Lexie. I love to read too . My reading these days is Codependent No More. The first couple of chapters were rough. I would wake up with puffy eyes from crying. But I am really into it now. Oh, and I love going for walks with my dog. I live on a golf course and I never took advantage of it. We moved here for my hubby and son to play. But now, I walk it all the time, there are paths with ponds and ducks. It is actually really nice.
Butterfly, that is a good book to read BTW
I am packing up my car in about 6 weeks and doing a 23 hour drive , by myself, to the midwest to go see family. Look at me : all by myself. I don't think I have ever stayed in a hotel by myself without hubby or kids. I definitely have never done a road trip. My new adventure awaits me. That is great Lexie. I love to read too . My reading these days is Codependent No More. The first couple of chapters were rough. I would wake up with puffy eyes from crying. But I am really into it now. Oh, and I love going for walks with my dog. I live on a golf course and I never took advantage of it. We moved here for my hubby and son to play. But now, I walk it all the time, there are paths with ponds and ducks. It is actually really nice.Butterfly, that is a good book to read BTW
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Oh please do not feel that way. Rejection hurts, especially when we give 100%, and it still ain't good enough. But it really is not you. He had other priorities in life, and alcohol is no. 1. Try to imagine your future with this man. There is none. If you tried harder, if you said this, not that, if you were not controlling, he would stll pick alcohol over you or anybody else in the entire world. Because that is how alcoholism works. It is selfish, it is painful for anyone who gets touched by it.
So ask yourself this evening, what would make you happy? What do you need in life to smile again? Sometimes we get so involved with addiction that we forget how to live without the addict. We have to learn how to do it. Step by step.
So ask yourself this evening, what would make you happy? What do you need in life to smile again? Sometimes we get so involved with addiction that we forget how to live without the addict. We have to learn how to do it. Step by step.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone.
Lexie blackberry ripple ice cream sounds delicious I don't think that flavour is here
.
Last night I was watching TV, an old show I'm re watching all the box sets and I thought it's so nice to not be sitting here with him drinking, me feeling anxious he would leave when I went to bed, or feeling angry and not really knowing why. Not having to worry if he was out if he was coming home or waiting up to go and collect him just so I knew he was home and the multiple text messages rearranging times to collect him. I was grateful for that.
I have lived this way for so long I've changed what I wanted what I would accept, initially he couldn't drink in the house, after he started drinking again when we got back together the first time. then I let him but not if he binged the next day to keep him at home. Which is probably why DS doesn't remember him drinking when he was young.
I don't even know if I like my job anymore or is it just that my life is all over the place and I'm unhappy or if I changed my job would that help. I have no idea but I guess I need to start small.
I have always loved reading and have just finished my first non addiction, co dependency related book since he left which I loved. I've read co dependency no more and I'm currently reading if he'd love me he'd stop. I think I am slowly accepting addiction isn't only at play here he doesn't want to be responsible to or for anything else. When I told him I didn't think I could move house the day he left because of his drinking I think he realised I was serious about wanting him to seek help. That the the first time I hadn't went along with what he wanted, he wanted a house with 2 living rooms so he would have his own space, so he could drink and not bother me, his thinking.
I remember when we were together thinking what will we talk about when we move house, as he was obsessed and all he spoke about or when the kids move out. We did nothing together if we did go out it was awkward and we came home early, probably as he couldn't drink how he wanted to and had to limit his drinks. I was unhappy and bored but believed it was my fault because although he didn't go out often, usually drank in the house or his mates but because he didn't come home , sneaked out , drank until he passed out and sometimes kept drinking the next day I thought it was me he didn't want to be with, didn't understand why he wouldn't go out for a drink with me. I understand now it was because he couldn't drink with me the way he wanted to and would have still been here had I accepted his drinking and let him do what he wants. I believed I needed him to make me happy and if I became someone else changed my thinking and behaviour if he would stop drinking we would be ok.
My self esteem has taken a battering yet why do I want him to make it all ok when he never could, he was never the husband/father we needed or deserved he was absent a lot. I am scared to look within me and with my counsellor gone I find it hard as I may think things but push them away. Although I think fear is a biggie and listening to myself, I've pushed my feelings away for so long thinking they were wrong I still don't trust my thoughts and feelings which is maybe why I keep coming back to its my fault not his.
Lexie blackberry ripple ice cream sounds delicious I don't think that flavour is here
. Last night I was watching TV, an old show I'm re watching all the box sets and I thought it's so nice to not be sitting here with him drinking, me feeling anxious he would leave when I went to bed, or feeling angry and not really knowing why. Not having to worry if he was out if he was coming home or waiting up to go and collect him just so I knew he was home and the multiple text messages rearranging times to collect him. I was grateful for that.
I have lived this way for so long I've changed what I wanted what I would accept, initially he couldn't drink in the house, after he started drinking again when we got back together the first time. then I let him but not if he binged the next day to keep him at home. Which is probably why DS doesn't remember him drinking when he was young.
I don't even know if I like my job anymore or is it just that my life is all over the place and I'm unhappy or if I changed my job would that help. I have no idea but I guess I need to start small.
I have always loved reading and have just finished my first non addiction, co dependency related book since he left which I loved. I've read co dependency no more and I'm currently reading if he'd love me he'd stop. I think I am slowly accepting addiction isn't only at play here he doesn't want to be responsible to or for anything else. When I told him I didn't think I could move house the day he left because of his drinking I think he realised I was serious about wanting him to seek help. That the the first time I hadn't went along with what he wanted, he wanted a house with 2 living rooms so he would have his own space, so he could drink and not bother me, his thinking.
I remember when we were together thinking what will we talk about when we move house, as he was obsessed and all he spoke about or when the kids move out. We did nothing together if we did go out it was awkward and we came home early, probably as he couldn't drink how he wanted to and had to limit his drinks. I was unhappy and bored but believed it was my fault because although he didn't go out often, usually drank in the house or his mates but because he didn't come home , sneaked out , drank until he passed out and sometimes kept drinking the next day I thought it was me he didn't want to be with, didn't understand why he wouldn't go out for a drink with me. I understand now it was because he couldn't drink with me the way he wanted to and would have still been here had I accepted his drinking and let him do what he wants. I believed I needed him to make me happy and if I became someone else changed my thinking and behaviour if he would stop drinking we would be ok.
My self esteem has taken a battering yet why do I want him to make it all ok when he never could, he was never the husband/father we needed or deserved he was absent a lot. I am scared to look within me and with my counsellor gone I find it hard as I may think things but push them away. Although I think fear is a biggie and listening to myself, I've pushed my feelings away for so long thinking they were wrong I still don't trust my thoughts and feelings which is maybe why I keep coming back to its my fault not his.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I guess I really struggle with the idea that it has been so easy for him to cut me out of his life completely. I try to convince myself that it's his issue that it's because he doesn't want to face up to things and seeing and speaking to me reminds him but maybe I'm trying to convince myself of this rather than accept that he wants nothing to do with me because I pestered him for answers, reminded him of what he said about how he said he felt about me.
Maybe it is more to do with me
Maybe it is more to do with me
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
that was the hardest part for me Butterfly. That he didn't love me anymore. The night of the superbowl he had just gotten out from his umpteenth time in a detox. calling me, wanting me to make him feel better. The every next day he got his anklet and was living in a house for homeless vets. within that week he started to slowly push me away and within 10 days he was seeing someone else and didn't love me anymore. we went from planning a life together with our kids and me moving to be by him to he doesn't have room in his life for me anymore within 10 days!!!! he got sober and kicked me to the curb. Now he has this whole new life, and I am not part of it at all. I am still flabbergasted, but I have stopped wondering or even caring why he did this to me. I am just trying to be a better version of me so that never happens again. I am so sorry hon. I read a sign once that said " a true coward is a man that awakens a love ina woman with no intention of loving her " that is how I felt. It hurt so bad
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Thing is it doesn't sound like he has been able to cut you out of his life easily at all, but you don't see that. The relationship has struggled since the get go. Lots of coming and going do you not see that there was attempt here to make it work?
You are still stuck in assessing blame when its very clear that NEITHER of you were the right fit for the other. Why must it always be that YOU are to blame? If you feel the need to assess blame be fair - its both your fault.
You make blanket statements that IF you had allowed him to drink as he wanted he would still be there and YOU DON"T KNOW THAT. Maybe he would have been - does constructing a home as a duplex so that both parties can live individual lives sound like a healthy marriage to you?
You did not do things together as a couple, you say that's because he couldn't drink as he wanted. While there may have been some truth in that statement it sounds like on the few occasions you did do things together you didn't talk or communicate. You comment that you were unhappy and bored yet you don't attribute that to him being boring, rather its your fault because you wouldn't drink with him the way he wanted or allow him to.
Has it ever crossed your mind that this man had not much in common with you and that aside from the alcoholism, he really wasn't someone you would be friends with ? I don't think it has because you have spent 18 years trying to mold the marriage into what you wanted it to be as well as trying to mold yourself into what you perceived he wanted you to be.
Its clear to me why you are stuck. You have an 18 year job that has ended, and you are still obsessing in the thought patterns you have for all this time "make it work make it work make it work". Now, that thought obsession is focused on "why didn't it work why didn't it work why didn't it work"
1) The marriage did not end quickly, easily or abruptly
2) Leaving is always abrupt - either you are gone or you are not
3) When marriages end they shouldn't continue on with long winded discussions of what went wrong or the parties can't move on.
Its not like you were having a wonderful 18 year marriages with the normal ups and downs and one day you came home and he was gone.
You are still stuck in assessing blame when its very clear that NEITHER of you were the right fit for the other. Why must it always be that YOU are to blame? If you feel the need to assess blame be fair - its both your fault.
You make blanket statements that IF you had allowed him to drink as he wanted he would still be there and YOU DON"T KNOW THAT. Maybe he would have been - does constructing a home as a duplex so that both parties can live individual lives sound like a healthy marriage to you?
You did not do things together as a couple, you say that's because he couldn't drink as he wanted. While there may have been some truth in that statement it sounds like on the few occasions you did do things together you didn't talk or communicate. You comment that you were unhappy and bored yet you don't attribute that to him being boring, rather its your fault because you wouldn't drink with him the way he wanted or allow him to.
Has it ever crossed your mind that this man had not much in common with you and that aside from the alcoholism, he really wasn't someone you would be friends with ? I don't think it has because you have spent 18 years trying to mold the marriage into what you wanted it to be as well as trying to mold yourself into what you perceived he wanted you to be.
Its clear to me why you are stuck. You have an 18 year job that has ended, and you are still obsessing in the thought patterns you have for all this time "make it work make it work make it work". Now, that thought obsession is focused on "why didn't it work why didn't it work why didn't it work"
1) The marriage did not end quickly, easily or abruptly
2) Leaving is always abrupt - either you are gone or you are not
3) When marriages end they shouldn't continue on with long winded discussions of what went wrong or the parties can't move on.
Its not like you were having a wonderful 18 year marriages with the normal ups and downs and one day you came home and he was gone.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you day dreamer and red.
I struggle with the whole planning our future how he said he was so in love with me and never wanted his future without me, couldn't cope without me.
Red Hes walked away easily this time and I know my marriage wasn't great, it wasn't good for either of us especially my anxiety about him leaving, I did apologise to him in my letter for my anxiety and controlling behaviour.
My head is all over the place I don't know if he is an alcoholic or just had difficulties controlling his drink, should I even go to alanon and be here or is this just my marriage broke down. I can't make sense of anything. I'm sorry I can't move forward and I am so stuck.
I struggle with the whole planning our future how he said he was so in love with me and never wanted his future without me, couldn't cope without me.
Red Hes walked away easily this time and I know my marriage wasn't great, it wasn't good for either of us especially my anxiety about him leaving, I did apologise to him in my letter for my anxiety and controlling behaviour.
My head is all over the place I don't know if he is an alcoholic or just had difficulties controlling his drink, should I even go to alanon and be here or is this just my marriage broke down. I can't make sense of anything. I'm sorry I can't move forward and I am so stuck.
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