BodkinVanHorn

She is a very routine based little person (age 6) and he is semi regular part of her life. He doesn't live with us but visits with her 3 afternoons a week. Any change in her routine *really* upsets her. He sometimes will bail on her and she really loses it. Flip side, if he shows up on a day that's not "his day" she also gets upset.
So I think him leaving for inpatient for however long that is, will give us time to get into a routine and then have it effed up again when he gets out. What have you done with your kids to help them cope?


I do not trust him to be honest with her and I doubt all of his reasons for going. It's convenient for him at this moment b/c he will be homeless at the end of the month, and should he complete rehab, he'll be placed in a sober house for a while. Regardless, he'll be out of my hair for a while at least and for that, I am grateful. If he learns how to act like a dang grown up while he's there, I'll just call that a bonus. I know that sounds cynical and mean. But that's just where I am with him at this moment.

Thumper

I told my younger kids that some people can't stop drinking alcohol, even though they want to. Their dad was one of those people and he was going to be gone for awhile so he could get help to figure it how to handle that.

For visits I tried to keep the before and after visit as routine, calming, comforting and stress free as possible. That did help.

Before/after visit meltdowns are fairly common even if both parents are picture perfect.

dandylion

Dear Bodkin......Thumper's approach is the same approach that I used......

dandylion

BodkinVanHorn

thank you!

Thumper

I should add that they had some fears/follow up questions like what were they going to do to him. I explained that he might be sick for a couple days so they would give him medicine so he wouldn't feel so bad but he stayed longer so he could learn a lot of things kind of like a school with special teachers called counselors. That eased their fears quite a bit. I told them it was called rehab in case they heard the term.

NWGRITS

All of the above and a specialized third party tio talk to. I can't stress the importance of a good therapist. Having been that 6yo girl, I've got quite a few lessons learned well after the fact. Even if it's just a school counselor, having a neutral person to talk to can help so much. A specialist would be ideal, but any counselor is better than none.

BodkinVanHorn

Hi!
So the ex was calling dd every night from rehab, it was after detox but in 'stabilization' (?) before the "real rehab" while they figured out what his benefits covered.
And if that sounds frigging vague, I'm sorry, this is what he told me on his calls to DD.
His mom is wigging out (his birthday is this week) and the rehab will neither confirm nor deny that he is there. Which you know, hippa, I get it.

Is that normal? The no calls? He was very "I don't know" about the details of this whole thing. "I may be no contact, I don't know." He told me that to get a pass to leave you had to learn all the names of all the staff, which I'm pretty sure is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard.
I'm the kind of person who has to know all the nitty gritty before commit to something. I research. I *need* to know what to be prepared for, it helps me mentally prepare. I was like, "Go ask someone who works there." And he's all, "I'm gonna wing this biz." And I know, why expect anything different from him. (d'oh, as I type I realize I keep expecting him to behave differently than he ever has, lol, which one of us is being a jerk now?
And my daughter keeps asking...well, that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyway, for those of you that have dealt with family in rehab, is no contact always a thing?

Thanks for any light you shine on this and please please have a peaceful day!

Refiner

I do believe a lot of rehabs don't allow calls. I've heard of some that get in trouble or even kicked out bc they "sneaked" a cell phone in. I sure hope he's in there for all the right reasons but his "winging it" comment makes me doubtful.

BodkinVanHorn

Oh, they took his phone. But he was allowed 15 mins phone time every day, until Tuesday. He said it was a lot like jail, and I guess I'm worried bc he sounded very unhappy last call. I tried to be encouraging?
But I am tired. Really tired. It may have sounded like, "yeah you can do this, I have to go do dishes, and put the child to bed and read to her and get stuff ready for tomorrow, so have a good night, good bye."

He was complaining about the food. And the people. And the movies. And the TV shows.
And I really wanted to be like, "what did you expect?" Also, he was unemployed and is now freaking homeless when he gets out, unless they place him in a sober house, so, whatever the situation is, just deal with it, I promise it's better than living under a bridge. That impatience may have shone through in our last conversation. :x

I don't know. I'm really cranky.

Refiner

All his choices. Hopefully he realizes his consequences aren't so cozy after all and he will choose more wisely now and in his future.

Florence

Yes, it's really common to not allow calls, or to severely limit the clients' access to phones at all. For example, they might have one free hour a day when they can make calls or hang out or have some free time, and fifteen guys share the one or two phones. It's designed that way for a reason.

Ileana

Bodkin- Most rehabs do not allow phone calls for the first few weeks for several reasons. 1. They want the client concentrating on recovery. 2. They don't want family enablers sabotaging recovery. 3. They want to cut ties with users "friends" 4. They don't want items smuggled in. If he is calling you that often I am wondering if he has a smuggled phone (maybe not his, maybe a roommates). Either way, if these phone calls are causing YOU worry, anxiety, stress, or even to be tired. STOP THEM. Call the rehab and tell them maybe limited calls might be best for a while.

BTW: The pass for learning staff names is just about the stupidest thing I have ever heard and I question if that is correct. My daughter was in for 30 + days and no passes at all were allowed during that entire time. She wasn't even allowed visitors except for family therapy sessions. Now some rehabs may have different rules, the name thing is just ludicrous.

Liveitwell

OP-you're not cynical at all-you're realistic. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. My two cents at least. A good counselor can make a world of difference.