Question about "Codependent No More"/Purpose of AlAnon
 

Hello, I just picked up a copy of this book and have read the first couple of chapters. I'm noticing that this book mostly talks about the stories of folks who are spouses and family members of alcoholics in recovery. I'm so fed up and exhausted with my actively drinking partner, but our lives are intertwined so deeply as we have been living together over 5 years now. I, too, am a recovering alcoholic who is active in AA, but I'm wondering if AlAnon is right for me? Does AlAnon mostly exist for people who are friends and family of alcoholics already in recovery, or is it also for folks who are dealing with an active drinker?

Al-Anon is for anyone whose life is affected by someone else's alcoholism, whether they are in recovery themselves or not. Many, MANY people in Al-Anon have a "qualifier" who is still actively drinking. When my second husband went back to drinking (after almost dying of it) Al-Anon was an absolute LIFESAVER for me.

There are a lot of us "double winners" (AA and Al-Anon) here on this forum. Actually, I guess I'm more of a "serial winner"--after two marriages to alcoholics (first husband still sober after 35 years, second husband still drinking himself to death--without my being around to watch it), I'm in AA myself and almost seven years sober. I haven't been to Al-Anon in years but I'm very grateful for the help and support I found there. It helps my AA recovery, too.

I've been to only a few al a non meetings. From what I could tell its both. Some were in the middle of divorcing their active A Spouse, some had spouses fresh out of or going into rehab. Some were parents of A's. There is also a meetining for ACoA's. Many were recovering themselves. So long story short, yes it's for you too. You have to do something to protect yourself from their insanity for sure. Five years is a long time to live with this. Has your SO expressed desire to go to AA with you?

Incidentally, I haven't read "Codependent No More" (I don't consider myself "codependent" though I did engage in some codependent behaviors when I was in relationships with actively drinking alcoholics), but my guess is that the "codependence" is more readily identified after the drinking partner gets sober and the "codependent" partner is still a mess. That's just a guess.

thanks for the reply, ducky. my SO has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't believe he is powerless over anything, especially not substances. he's been a very heavy drinker for 10+ years. I've been sober for 9 months next week. he hates AA and absolutely refuses to participate in anything that could be remotely associated with Christianity or a "deity" of any kind. he has tried twice to stop drinking with help of his doctor but just drank through the course of the Librium and ended up using it recreationally in the end. he tells me, "you knew I drank heavily when we got together," as if that is an excuse for things being the same (so much worse, actually) 5 years later.

terrified to leave, terrified to stay, just going through the motions at this point. no sex, no meaningful conversations, just trying to keep everything from catastrophically unraveling in our home.

You know, griffy, you might suggest that he check out the book that helped me a whole lot when I was newly sober, "One Breath at a Time" by Kevin Griffin. Kevin is a Buddhist, and a "devout" atheist, and his book is about the 12 Steps through that lens. It might get through where the traditional Big Book would put him off. Once he sort of examines the Steps/Program through an atheist's eyes, he might understand the spiritual (and not religious) basis for AA.

Yes, there are some people in AA who are a little over-the-top with their insistence on "THE God" rather than "God as you understand Him (her/it)," but I know many happily sober atheists and agnostics in AA, and if he keeps an open mind he will find them.

There are also great non 12 step programs that do not believe in powerlessness or the need for a higher power

Sounds like Alanon is right for you.

Though I am a Christian/Catholic, I'm not with the powerless idea either. I never liked the ambiguous build a god thing.

There is a secular recovery forum that may be able to direct you to a program he may like. Rational Recovery comes to mind. Even though he feels that he's not powerless, he sounds out of control. Powerless or not, he has to be ready. And from the sounds of it, your home has already unraveled dear because he has unravled. Good luck ((((hugs)))

Well, whatever you choose about Al-Anon and such, you're in the right place here. I could definitely relate to this:
For me, Al-Anon gave me a break in the constant focus on him-and-his-drinking. It was a time for ME. When I could dive into my emotions, behaviors, coping skills (healthy and unhealthy) and sort through my head in a way I rarely allowed myself otherwise.

Giffy.......I'm sober 23 years thanks to AA and I'm an agnostic. My sponsor sober 30 years is an atheist. Wasn't raised a Christian although celebrated the secular holidays. The literature suggests finding a higher power as we understand him/her. In other words, we define our HP. I pray and work the steps, just don't call my HP "God" .......... or GOD= group of drunks. It works.