Butterfly

Just spent the last hour listening to my mum about how I'm wrong about stbxah in that he's not an alcoholic. He's able to hold down his job, going to the gym, has lost weight. He doesn't drink every night or every weekend or didn't when he was at home? didn't matter what I said she kept saying I was wrong. She thinks an alcoholic is someone who can't keep a job and drinks every day. She thinks he left his family as he was struggling with his uncles health and unfortunate death and just needs some time on his own!!

I gave up trying to explain , exhausted now and feeling that her response is what others think or that he left because of me.

Florence

Awesome thing I learned here: Don't JADE.

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (or Escalate). You don't have to convince her what you know to be true. If she disagrees with you, fine.

But she didn't have to be married to him either.

Butterfly

Thanks Florence and yip she didnt have to be married to him. Guess she's just fed into my insecurities.

FireSprite

I'm betting she knows next to nothing about addiction, right Butterfly? She is speaking from opinion, not education. She's judging it all on appearance & every one of us knows better.

I'm sorry she got to you like that. Maybe next time just stop the conversation & change the topic? You certainly don't want to get in a verbal war with her but you don't have to stand there & listen to a bunch of nonsense either.

healthyagain

Ok, then my AH is half an alcoholic. Drinks every day about 750ml of whiskey and STILL holds a job.

Please do not be annoyed. You know the truth, and you mom might be lucky not to know what a true alcoholic looks like. You know you are right.

ladyscribbler

My mom said almost the same thing about alcoholism. "An alcoholic is someone who lives under a bridge and drinks out of a paper bag."
I was like, "Really? Is that how you met dad?"
Even people who should know better can be very ignorant about addiction. You know the truth and it's your life, not hers. My mom has always been very enmeshed with me and it has taken me a long time to stop seeking her approval for my choices.

CarmenLove

Urghh,

How draining. Stick with your truth and perhaps just change subject if she tries to bring it up again.

I know it's hard when you feel like everyone is thinking stuff about you... YOU know your truth.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone. She got me on a bad day where I'm questioning is he or is he using it as an excuse.

Firesprite she knows nothing about it and knew nothing of my life with him but the last few times I've been down she says "are you sure he's an alcoholic". I feel like saying no mum I made it all up!!!

LexieCat

Sounds like you're on an even keel here and just wanted a reality check. You're absolutely on target, and good for you for recognizing that some days we are just plain more vulnerable--comments or lack of understanding just "get to us" a bit more on some days. Nothing wrong with YOU, your mom just doesn't understand. But WE, who have walked in your shoes, do.

Hugs, doing good, kiddo!

Butterfly

Thanks Lexie yes I suppose I did need a reality check some reassurance that my thinking wasn't screwed and maybe she was right and I was wrong!!!

Could have done without it today, been working hard at picking myself up & dusting myself off after my recent melt down and have been avoiding her because she asks every time. Don't know why I thought I should visit tonight!!

NYCDoglvr

If talking to your mother about this is upsetting, what about not discussing it?

AliWProk

You could tell her what i tell my MIL, "He's still an alcoholic. If that changes, I will let you know."

SeriousKarma

As a way to head of these uncomfortable conversations I've heard it suggested that we not use the term "alcoholics", but instead say something like "I have a problem with his drinking." I like that. It doesn't matter what you call it. His drinking was a problem for you.

FeelingGreat

I don't know how old your mother is, but my aunties used to count men who stuck around, had a job and supported their families as good husbands. That's because when they were young mothers there wasn't much social support if your husband deserted you, so just having money coming into the house was enough.

It's hard justifying anything to someone who just doesn't get it, so don't try. A simple 'I don't want to discuss it Mum' should do the trick. It would be a pity if you stopped seeing her because she doesn't get the message.

Butterfly

Thanks everyone. Nyc I don't discuss it with her she brings it up

Aliwpok lol I like that

Serious I have said many variations to her she keeps bringing it up and wanting to ask am I sure!!!! I said to her last night well he walked out so he could do what he wants when he wants and drink that's all I need to know!!!!

Feelinggreat she's 76 stbxah always was very nice when he was with her and she thought he was great and how lucky I was to have someone who really loved me!!

GracieLou

I think you may be seeking validation for her and sadly it does not look like you are going to find it. Not because she doesn't love you are care about you, but simply because she does not understand alcoholism.

Unless you are a recovering alcoholic or recovering from being in a relationship with one, they are not going to understand and that is something that can be hard to accept.

That is why alcoholics share with other alcoholics, that is why Al-anon members share with other Al-anon members, because we don't have to explain, we already get that validation about our lives and ourselves.

You can, if you want, simply tell her that you prefer not to discuss it and move the subject to something else. Stick here with the people that do understand where there is validation, support and understanding.

Butterfly

Thanks gracielou your right I do seek validation from her always have but thought I had it controlled Guess I constantly need validation that he's an alcoholic as I struggle with acceptance. Sorry bad day today.

hopeful4

You don't need validation he's an alcoholic, you lived it with him. For my X, it goes in cycles. He always drinks, just sometimes not so heavily other people know about it. Other times, it's so much that everyone knows.

The only think you need validation on is that YOU are healing. You are moving forward, keep on keeping on. When she brings it up again, shut that train right down.

XXX

CarmenLove

I think everyone has their own definition of what 'alcoholic' or 'drug addict' means.

However whether she agrees with the word or not you know that you weren't happy living with him and his drinking habits were causing problems and were unacceptable to you.

WE get it.

And I also get how hard it must be to hear that from her when what you would really like is unquestioning support.

I also struggle with it that people don't get it or respect my judgement, I feel like yelling "IF I SAY HE'S USING IT'S BECAUSE HE IS USING OK!! I'M NOT JUST SAYING IT FOR FUN!' Grrrr.

However it makes no difference, they are going to think what they think, and believe what they believe, no matter what I say.

If you experienced him as an alcoholic then that is what is real.

Butterfly

Thanks hopeful & Carmen.