When it is impossible to talk to your A about divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
When it is impossible to talk to your A about divorce
Or when generally it is imposible to talk about anything, which after all led to this decision.
So I have 10 days till the move. He is in that oblivious, head-in-sand, if I ignore her, she will dissapear, mood. Incredibly annoying, but still better than yelling. The only question he asked was If I paid the rent (for current apartment). "Of course," I replied.
Talked to the lawyer's office and confirmed they wanted money in advance. Somehow I feel that all this pressure will go away once I move. Talked to my sister too, the details made her livid, and she does not know even 25% of what he does/says.
So how do I talk to him? Well, I'll wait for the last moment to try (once I get the new keys in my hands), but the outcome of that conversation will be irrelevant. I think he is one of those guys where you can just pick your stuff and leave.
And tomorrow I will start looking for a part-time job. Just in case.
So I have 10 days till the move. He is in that oblivious, head-in-sand, if I ignore her, she will dissapear, mood. Incredibly annoying, but still better than yelling. The only question he asked was If I paid the rent (for current apartment). "Of course," I replied.
Talked to the lawyer's office and confirmed they wanted money in advance. Somehow I feel that all this pressure will go away once I move. Talked to my sister too, the details made her livid, and she does not know even 25% of what he does/says.
So how do I talk to him? Well, I'll wait for the last moment to try (once I get the new keys in my hands), but the outcome of that conversation will be irrelevant. I think he is one of those guys where you can just pick your stuff and leave.
And tomorrow I will start looking for a part-time job. Just in case.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
From what I know of your situation and his abusive tendencies, if I were you I would say nothing and have him served with divorce papers once I am safely in my new place out of his grasp.
In an ideal world, when two rational sober adults part ways they talk about it and settle things more or less civilly. In this case though, he is neither rational nor sober...I guess he is an adult age wise.
Be safe
In an ideal world, when two rational sober adults part ways they talk about it and settle things more or less civilly. In this case though, he is neither rational nor sober...I guess he is an adult age wise.
Be safe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I agree with Carlotta. And also, when it does come time to move -- have someone there with you. Doesn't have to be The Hulk; most people save the absolutely psychotic ones don't behave horribly when there are witnesses.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
If you have things of a practical nature to tell him, it's probably best to write it down and keep a copy. That will deal with any accusations that you didn't tell him X or Y.
It seems from previous posts that a deep and meaningful talk/explanation might be useless and possibly risky. If you have stuff to get off your chest, write it down and don't send it.
It seems from previous posts that a deep and meaningful talk/explanation might be useless and possibly risky. If you have stuff to get off your chest, write it down and don't send it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Honestly? I'd just stop trying to communicate with him. Just quietly go about your business and leave.
You have a lawyer. All the necessary communication can be done by him/her. Yes, the lawyer charges money for that (though he may be responsible for a portion or all of your attorney's fees if he makes things unnecessarily difficult), but one of the great things about having a lawyer is that you don't have to communicate with him directly and there is a record of what IS communicated to him.
Be careful, when it dawns on him that you are really doing this, it could be dangerous. Have you called the hotline for any advice on the exit itself?
You have a lawyer. All the necessary communication can be done by him/her. Yes, the lawyer charges money for that (though he may be responsible for a portion or all of your attorney's fees if he makes things unnecessarily difficult), but one of the great things about having a lawyer is that you don't have to communicate with him directly and there is a record of what IS communicated to him.
Be careful, when it dawns on him that you are really doing this, it could be dangerous. Have you called the hotline for any advice on the exit itself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Thanks! I was thinking a letter too, but it is not like he does not know, or that I never tried to talk. Basically, we do not communicate, and that is not bad at all. I did contact the hotline and got in touch with a lady, who is probably my "case manager" now. I have her phone number, and she was checking on me. A few days ago. She also said because there is alcohol involved, this is when things can get ugly. He does lie. That is what saw really well last time: "everybody thinks you're a bi***. My boss, the landlady, maintenance guy. EVERYBODY." And then you talk to people, and not that they do not hate you, but they show a lot of understanding.
Bad thing is I do not have the full lawyer fee saved yet. My plan is to get a part-time job, and save faster.
Bad thing is I do not have the full lawyer fee saved yet. My plan is to get a part-time job, and save faster.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I also recommend not saying a word. Any communication you need to have with him can be done via the phone, text or email after you are gone. Or by an attorney after you get one. I would NOT give him a letter.
I simply wouldn't do a thing to provoke his abusive tendencies. I imagine him reading the letter over and over and just getting madder and madder. DO have someone there when you move. I would probably be inclined to have a police officer there.
I simply wouldn't do a thing to provoke his abusive tendencies. I imagine him reading the letter over and over and just getting madder and madder. DO have someone there when you move. I would probably be inclined to have a police officer there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The police are often asked to "stand by" for property removals. If you give them plenty of notice they should be able to provide an officer (barring an emergency that requires all officers to respond). If not, do have a male friend or relative on the scene. Preferably someone he would never consider a possible love interest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Don't have any friends or relatives, but can move everything I need in a few hours while he is at work. I just need my clothes, which is packed, documents, very little furniture. I planned that. I do consider having a police officer around. With my husband, everything that has xy chromosomes is a potential loverboy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
