Wisconsin

Hi all,

So my AH has been spiraling a lot in the past few weeks. He has been drinking after work, and then driving home. It is usually very obvious on the phone (he calls me every day when he "leaves work," even though sometimes he has finished up early and gone to drink), and I know generally where he is leaving from, the overall route he takes, and where he is going (home).

He is aware that if I ever know exactly where he is, and am sure he is drunk, I will call the police. He has 3 prior DUIs (all before we started dating and got married). In Wisconsin, if you have 3 or more DUIs, the legal limit is 0.02, not 0.08. If he drives after having more than 1 drink, he would surely blow over 0.02. However, when he calls me "after work," it's obvious to me he has had more than one or two beers.

I am trying so, so hard to look carefully at my motives here. I know for sure that I do not want anything he does while drinking and driving to be on my conscience. And I feel like I have a moral and ethical obligation to report it when I know where and when it's happening. Do I call the police even though I don't know exactly where he is? Am I trying to manipulate the situation here, because he would almost surely end up in state prison for at least a few months with a fourth conviction, which would make my life a whole lot easier? Would the police even care (DUI enforcement in the Milwaukee area is pitifully low...it's infuriating)?

Talk me through this, guys...I value your opinions, and can count on you guys to tell it like it is.

FireSprite

Well, my immediate reaction without thinking too much about it is that without absolute proof/knowledge of where he is, there's not much to really report. It's just heresay.

If you have those things though, it's totally acceptable to report the drinking/driving for public safety alone.

It's another one of those frustrating things that you can't control & have to detach from.

Is it more about how it would make your path easier? I could understand that but it might be worth examining the "why's" & figure out where the fear/hesitation/growth potential is for you on your side of the fence? Just spitballin' here.....

dandylion

Wisconsin....I have a couple of thoughts to toss your way.....

Don't forget that a DWI could dig into the family finances to the tune of about 10, ooo dollars!

If I am remembering correctly...(I am sorry if I am wrong on this).....that life was m uch better for you when your husband worked far away and was only home on occassion.,,?
If you would really like to get him out of the house.....I think that legal separation or divorce would be an easier and more efficient solution than trying to "arrange" a prison sentence.

It is possibly a situation where you would like something to "take him out of the house".....but comes from his own hands (dwi).....so that you would not be seen as the "bad guy"??

I'm not saying.....I am just wondering....?

dandylion

VirginiaWoof

I am so sorry but I have to disagree with the other posters.

If your AH gets in the car drunk and causes an accident and you knew he had been drinking and driving how would you feel?

Florence

Just an idea, but I've called the police to ask how they would handle an issue if presented with incomplete information about a chronic problem. I've done this with buckwild partying neighbor issues (I live in a student neighborhood in a college town) and in a situation where someone I knew was self-harming but I didn't know his address. In my experience, they'll investigate it.

Wisconsin

Until very recently, all of his drinking and driving was sufficiently unknown to me that I didn't feel I could reasonably report it. But recently he has been coming home, barely able to stand, after driving himself home about 8 miles. And no...I could not live with myself if he hurt someone in that condition, and I knew he was out driving like that.

I've talked a bit with some friends who work as dispatchers for law enforcement, and they agree that just knowing his route home, and the fact that he is obviously drunk when he calls me, likely isn't enough.

When I dig really deep, I think part of me thinks that the only chance he has to seek sobriety (again) is to go to jail (again). If I'm honest with myself, I don't know that a fourth DUI would prompt me to leave, if I'm not already ready to leave.

You know I love ya, Dandy. Thanks for asking the hard questions.

SadInTX

Wouldn't the police need a reason to pull him over, like violation of driving...too fast, no tail light, driving erratically, etc? It sounds like you are wanting the bad situation to be taken care of by a fourth DUI so it would make your decision and/or plans for the future easier. I feel for you because I am in a similar situation. I sometimes think, "Okay, if he drinks and drives one more time I will leave him" (and I don't). "Okay, if he verbally calls me bad names I will leave him this time"" (and I don't). "Okay, if he gets a DWI I will leave him..." In my situation I am having to dig inside of me on why I just don't say "this isn't working for me, I am leaving". For me, it is the guilt....

lizatola

A DUI will cost that much, yes, but how much would it cost the family if he were to injure, or god forbid kill, another human being?

I wrestled with these exact things over and over and over again. Wisconsin knows that I chose to leave my marriage and one of the showcase reasons was that I didn't want to be responsible if he were to get into an accident while intoxicated and take the whole family down with him. It wasn't just the DUI threat, it was the fact that I would be tied to him, financially, if he were to get in trouble with the law or cause harm to himself or another.

In the time when I was sitting on the fence, knowing I wasn't ready to leave, and when he had the interlock off his car, I chose to just let things be. I prayed and I turned him over to his higher power. I gave him over to God, trusting that whatever was supposed to happen would happen just as it was intended by God to be. That was my solution to help me quell my fears and to get me to a point where I was finally read to walk out the door.

There is no perfect answer here because everyone's solution requires introspection and a careful view of checking your own motives and what the possible effect will be if certain actions or inactions are taken.

Hugs, Wisconsin, I know how hard this is, my friend. Praying for strength for you as you travel this path.

Wisconsin

Thanks, Liz! And Sad...you are absolutely right. Police still need cause to pull anyone over. When he got his third DUI, my AH claims the cops followed him home from the bar and then pulled him over as he pulled into his driveway for "crossing the yellow line." No idea how true any of that is, since it was before my time. But the bottom line is that if someone is three sheets to the wind and driving, they can't be pulled over without reason.

Kboys

If you call in and tell them he driving drunk, it is reason enough to pull him over... at least in my county it is.

I never called the police when my AH was driving drunk, but I wish I would have...

Sending you (((hugs))))

hopeful4

I can only give my .02 which is that I would call. I just could not deal with knowing he is doing this daily and that he could hurt someone else. If he is truly drunk, they will have a reason to pull him over. It's quite likely his driving is not too stellar if he can barely stand up.

When I would call I would tell them just what you told us and let them take that over...or not. Then it's on them.

Again, that is just my opinion.

sadsister62

My AS lives in WI, too,always drove with a jumbo drink in her lap, to and from work. She lived in one county and worked in another. The sheriff in the first county was very interested and wanted to know about the times she was coming home and her route, the 2nd sheriff asked me " What, am I supposed to stake her out?" So, I guess it is a personal or local call in each department. Sorry I cn't help you with more info, she never did get pulled over even tho we had pulled out one of her break lights hoping that that would do the trick.

Wisconsin

My AH has been driving under the influence for probably 15 of the 24 years he's been driving. During his worst periods, he probably has done it several times a week, and that is what he has started doing in the past few weeks...waaaaay up from what he has typically done during our marriage. That is why I am so alarmed. He has talked a lot in the past about how many times he was pulled over and not ticketed. Not to mention what must be hundreds, if not thousands, of times he drove under the influence and never got pulled over.

I'm not looking to stack the deck against him (like pull out a brake light). He has enough problems he has created for himself.

I think my approach will continue to be that if I know where he is, and I believe he has been drinking, I will call the police if I know him to be driving. That has always been my boundary on this, but he has never really tested it before. Something tells me it will be tested very soon.

Thanks everyone for all of your input!

schnappi99

Theres a woman in my home group w/ a husband actively drinking 7 days a week in front of her and her family and he feels free to drive whenever he likes. She's called the cops several times, explaining the situation each time, they have not responded- other stuff higher up on the list I guess.

She works w/ her kids a lot, teaching them to stay out of the car when he's drunk- the worry is what might happen to somebody else's kids- he's already had one miraculous escape that she knows about (very near wreck, just bumped the other car, kids in both vehicles). At the moment the plan is she's getting the boys cheap pay-as-you-go cellphones to use to get in touch w/ her if the situation warrants- or so she can talk to them; the dad is too unreliable.

redatlanta

My RAH did call on his XAG and they did get her. It was a small town so concerns like that were easy to address.

I think Dandy's points have quite a bit of merit to consider. I think having had 3 DUI before 10k is a drop in the bucket in what you will be looking at in legal fees especially if he is prosecuted as a Felony which he could be with a 4th - depends on when he got the others. Has it crossed your mind that he will not be able to drive at all? That his license will be revoked? That he will do jail time and lose his job? Do you depend on his income?

I'm not trying to encourage you not to call and report him, rather, to prepare yourself for what will happen to you, and your family IF he does get another DUI. 10k I'd say more like 20k to 30k especially if he gets a felony conviction. People talk about the legal fees, which as a chunk is probably your biggest cost, but there are fines, and other court mandated things to consider starting with bailing him out of jail. Probation fees, interlock device fees, DUI class fees never mind what will happen to your car insurance or what would happen if he had an accident and injured or killed someone.

The reality is if he gets one his license will be revoked immediately, and the chance of having a license to drive to work probably zero. Jail is something that would happen after conviction so he would be at HOME for a good number of months to a year before this situation ever got to jail time.

I think we as normies say "Damn if I got a DUI that would be it for me" - but alcoholics IME don't view these things the same way. Its bad luck, woe on me, I wasn't that drunk, I'm a target, I didn't do anything wrong, I know people who drive much drunker than I do, ITS SO UNFAIR". In my opinion if they are quelled deeply in their disease it just becomes MORE reason to drink even more. Jail doesn't get anyone sober any more so than a Rehab will. Either he wants it or he doesn't.

I'm very sorry you are in this circumstance. I hope you will take measures to protect yourself legally and financially in as much as you can. If you share an insurance policy end it. If you share title to vehicles change it. If you depend on his income you need to figure out how you will deal with the loss of it. Whether you call and report him or don't his time is running out he doesn't have a good record for talking his way out of DUI.

Refiner

Not sure about WI but in IN he'd be looking at a felony charge, 1-3 prison, and lifetime revocation of DL.

Wisconsin

The good news is that our finances are 100% totally separate. My name alone is on my car and my own insurance policy, and his name alone is on his truck and his insurance policy. I spent enough time as a lawyer, and had enough pain during my FIRST divorce, to know not to tie myself to my AH financially.

Frankly, I don't care much about what his legal fees would be if he gets picked up again. When he got his third DUI (9-10 years ago, I think), his union hall helped him find a lawyer who took payments from him, etc. Given where we are in our marriage right now, if he gets another DUI that is it for me. I would file for divorce within a week at this point. Financially, we don't have any assets. No house, no investments, etc. We are a hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck household. If he gets arrested for anything, there is absolutely NO WAY I would bail him out. He has plenty of union "brothers" who will do that crap for him anyway. And he would not lose his job. Easily 50% of workers in the skilled trades have alcohol and/or drug problems. They enable each other, and there will always be a job for him when he would get out, regardless of how long his sentence would be. Sad, but true. His third DUI was originally charged as a felony, but ended up a misdemeanor conviction. I am 100% sure that a fourth would be an automatic felony. I have consulted with a friend who practices divorce and criminal law in Wisconsin, and he tells me that absent aggravating circumstances (minors in the vehicle, BAC over .17, other innocent people involved in an accident, etc.), he would likely get 6 months in state prison, and be out in 3-4 months with good behavior because it has been over 5 years since his last DUI. He'd be looking at license revocation for 1-3 years (again, not a lifetime loss because it has been over 5 years since his last DUI), and interlock for another 1-3 years. I researched this all very thoroughly a few years ago when things got really bad and I WAS dependent on his income at that time. I really, really don't care at this point how long he went to jail, how long he lost his license, etc. Those would be his consequences to manage, and mercifully, they would have little direct impact on me.

I have a good job. It will still be a struggle to leave, because my XH gets so much of my income, but I am finally at the point where my take-home pay is just enough to support myself. Even if my AH ends up in jail for something and becomes unable to pay child support, I could squeak by. At this point my issue remains having the cash I need to move out. But I'm making slow and steady progress, and have some contingency plans in place.

Hence, my moral/ethical conflict about this really is about (1) my unwillingness to be a passive party in some sort of horrible accident, and (2) examining my motives. The logistics of the fallout are important to my AH, I'm sure, but I'm not going to let them drive my decisions. And frankly, at this rate I may be out and file for divorce before he would actually get arrested anyway. Like I said...the Milwaukee area has a TERRIBLE DUI enforcement rate. It's shameful.

redatlanta

Sounds as if you are leaving anyway.

Honestly I don't think it matters whether you report him or not. Reporting does not assure arrest. I drove behind a women one time who was so clearly intoxicated I called 911 and followed her. I was on the phone with them for 17 minutes (l live in a big city and was on a major easy to find street). She fell asleep and rolled crashing into a cement wall. Woke up, and hauled ass backing up and crashed into my car and totaled it. The police never arrived. She made it 30 miles and was finally pulled over because she had popped every tire and was driving on rims.

When its their time it their time. Glad to hear you are prepared/preparing.

hopeful4

If you call the police call and truly want a response, call your Highway Patrol, not the local police. They are much more professional and likely to respond if at all possible.

My sister is police in this state. One thing I know is a problem is that people wait until it happens to report it, and her county is quite large. So she may be clearly on the other side of the county two hours away before she can make it there, or get anyone there. There are logistics to think about.

fluffyflea

I was going to ask whose name the car was in and your house but it sounds as if you are separate.

I guess you have to weigh out how you'd feel if he killed someone or more than one person in an accident.

It sounds like he's an accident waiting to happen.