Dealing with unsupportive people
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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Dealing with unsupportive people
So I've started to talk to my extended family about my situation and I've let them know I'm moving back near where all of them are.
My Aunty, who can be a bit argumentative, basically responded with "poor X" (X=husband).
It really upset me, she was asking who was looking out for him, defended his crazy grandma who sent my grandma a crazy letter (that was detailed in another post I made.)
I got the feeling she was trying to make me feel bad. She's always had stuff to say about my relationship and I got a "I told you so..." vibe too.
I'm not sure how to deal with this. Confront her, leave it as is, avoid her questions or just distance myself from her altogether.
My Aunty, who can be a bit argumentative, basically responded with "poor X" (X=husband).
It really upset me, she was asking who was looking out for him, defended his crazy grandma who sent my grandma a crazy letter (that was detailed in another post I made.)
I got the feeling she was trying to make me feel bad. She's always had stuff to say about my relationship and I got a "I told you so..." vibe too.
I'm not sure how to deal with this. Confront her, leave it as is, avoid her questions or just distance myself from her altogether.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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She always had stuff to say about my relationship. . .
And that will never change. She didn't understand then and doesn't now. Wether that is due to arrogance or ignorance makes no difference. I'm like the military, I tell people things on a need to know basis. For your health, perhaps she should have only a basic security clearance. If she asks questions and you know she's going to tick you off, change the subject. You have so many supportive people, you can let this one go.
And that will never change. She didn't understand then and doesn't now. Wether that is due to arrogance or ignorance makes no difference. I'm like the military, I tell people things on a need to know basis. For your health, perhaps she should have only a basic security clearance. If she asks questions and you know she's going to tick you off, change the subject. You have so many supportive people, you can let this one go.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I agree with Ducky. I have started keeping some people at a slight arms length because of their negativity. My step mother is one of them. I avoid the subject of AH or anything else I know I don't want to get into with her or change the subject when things start getting snippy. I also try to call my dad when she's already in bed and make short pop in visits instead of longer overplanned ones.
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It's just me, but I would avoid, unless you have to see a lot of her. If she intrudes into your life in the sense that you see a lot of her, then a good strategy would be to learn how to 'fog' her. Fogging is when someone agrees in a neutral way, like 'you could be right' or 'it's worth thinking about', 'well that's one POV'. Because you're not arguing it leaves the person with nowhere to go, except to change the subject.
One thing that's been getting to me about your story is the criticism you've received from some people for acting in a strong, determined way to protect yourself and your child. So many women give up years of their lives, and their self-esteem, trying to get their AHs to change. Presumably they wouldn't be criticised.
One thing that's been getting to me about your story is the criticism you've received from some people for acting in a strong, determined way to protect yourself and your child. So many women give up years of their lives, and their self-esteem, trying to get their AHs to change. Presumably they wouldn't be criticised.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
[QUOTE=FeelingGreat;5352608
One thing that's been getting to me about your story is the criticism you've received from some people for acting in a strong, determined way to protect yourself and your child. So many women give up years of their lives, and their self-esteem, trying to get their AHs to change. Presumably they wouldn't be criticised.[/QUOTE]
Yes isn't that so true!
I recognise our strength.
One thing that's been getting to me about your story is the criticism you've received from some people for acting in a strong, determined way to protect yourself and your child. So many women give up years of their lives, and their self-esteem, trying to get their AHs to change. Presumably they wouldn't be criticised.[/QUOTE]
Yes isn't that so true!
I recognise our strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Thanks for all the responses.
FeelingGreat, I am going to try your suggestions. Today when I was talking to her I felt backed into a corner trying to defend myself and it didn't feel good. I knew I didn't have to but I felt really flustered in the moment. And then angry at her and myself later when I really thought about it.
I think I might have to avoid her. That is possible apart from family functions and I guess if she calls me again I can just avoid her calls for a while. She is a funny sort of person, pretty negative in general so it is probably for the best.
FeelingGreat, I am going to try your suggestions. Today when I was talking to her I felt backed into a corner trying to defend myself and it didn't feel good. I knew I didn't have to but I felt really flustered in the moment. And then angry at her and myself later when I really thought about it.
I think I might have to avoid her. That is possible apart from family functions and I guess if she calls me again I can just avoid her calls for a while. She is a funny sort of person, pretty negative in general so it is probably for the best.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I'm with Ducky, "need to know." If things were going great with him, would you share every intimate detail of that? Probably not.
Personal things are, well, personal. We don't want to hide things behind a wall of shame and secrecy, but at the same time not everybody in the world (even family members) need to know the gory details. I left my second husband only a few months after we married. I told most people, "It just didn't work out." Only a few trusted people knew why, and even among those people, very, very few knew details of the sort of things that were really going on.
Personal things are, well, personal. We don't want to hide things behind a wall of shame and secrecy, but at the same time not everybody in the world (even family members) need to know the gory details. I left my second husband only a few months after we married. I told most people, "It just didn't work out." Only a few trusted people knew why, and even among those people, very, very few knew details of the sort of things that were really going on.
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I think we all have that one crazy relative who does and says the most hurtful thing possible in any situation.
And I think for us who have codependent tendencies, we have to work on learning that we DON'T have to please them. That they can sit there in their crazy corner and whine about how aunt Dolores never polishes her silver properly or whatever is vitally important in their little lives, and We. Don't. Have. To. Pay. Any. Attention.
Other than smiling and saying "how are you?" and "more bean dip?" at those family gatherings where we can't avoid them.
And I think for us who have codependent tendencies, we have to work on learning that we DON'T have to please them. That they can sit there in their crazy corner and whine about how aunt Dolores never polishes her silver properly or whatever is vitally important in their little lives, and We. Don't. Have. To. Pay. Any. Attention.
Other than smiling and saying "how are you?" and "more bean dip?" at those family gatherings where we can't avoid them.
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She's a super nosey person. The type that keeps asking questions even when it's clear you don't want to talk about it. She fishes for details. I'm sure that says something about who she is as a person.
But I think I need to be more prepared for it next time. I was caught off guard and I think I lost my balance a bit. Still, she doesn't know much more than exactly what the situation is - alcoholic husband, separated and I'm moving. I did tell her how long he'd been gone and where he was living. She asked if he came to my daughter's birthday and that sort of thing. She was pressing me on details on whether the marriage was over and I kept saying I didn't know.
There isn't really much scandal to report so hopefully she will tire herself out of asking questions. She had already told a couple of my family members before I could (after husband's Gma let cat out of bag with her letter to my Gma) then said she hoped "it was ok" that she did that.
Well no it's not but it's done now!
Urgh. I'll have to brush up on my 'fogging' skills!
But I think I need to be more prepared for it next time. I was caught off guard and I think I lost my balance a bit. Still, she doesn't know much more than exactly what the situation is - alcoholic husband, separated and I'm moving. I did tell her how long he'd been gone and where he was living. She asked if he came to my daughter's birthday and that sort of thing. She was pressing me on details on whether the marriage was over and I kept saying I didn't know.
There isn't really much scandal to report so hopefully she will tire herself out of asking questions. She had already told a couple of my family members before I could (after husband's Gma let cat out of bag with her letter to my Gma) then said she hoped "it was ok" that she did that.
Well no it's not but it's done now!
Urgh. I'll have to brush up on my 'fogging' skills!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Confronting them? Will not help. Explaining them will not help. Unfortunately, being a wife of an alcoholic is like having VIP tickets for alcoholic drama that other people will not see. They cannot understand, so do not bother explaining. Do your thing, carry out your plans. Be happy with your actions. Thats the only thing that matters.
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One other suggestion. If this nosey old bat starts in with the questions, you can simply say, "I'm not going to discuss the details, let's talk about something else" (and have a topic at the ready to switch to).
If she persists, you can politely say, "Let's talk later when you're ready to talk about something other than my marriage." And then say goodbye.
This can be a good boundary for you to put in place--that you won't allow yourself to be manipulated/guilted into discussing personal things with someone who will not be supportive and will not respect your privacy.
If she persists, you can politely say, "Let's talk later when you're ready to talk about something other than my marriage." And then say goodbye.
This can be a good boundary for you to put in place--that you won't allow yourself to be manipulated/guilted into discussing personal things with someone who will not be supportive and will not respect your privacy.
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Yeah. If she brings it up I would simply say "I'm not discussing it". Period.
Family is a slippery slope. For me I told no one. That worked for me. The boundaries of family are much more lax than friends - most are much more nosy feeling justified in doing so because they have a greater interest. Of course when we share then questions are to be expected. Its not really fair to include them on discussion when it works for us then cut them off when they want more information or want to give advise.
I don't really share much of anything anymore with anyone that is personal. I didn't used to be like that at all to the contrary I was an open book. That has come back to haunt me at times - nobody keeps their mouths shut also it becomes very confusing when you are being hammered with advice and often pressured to make decisions. Keeps the drama active and alive.
Prefer the advice from my cyber friends here at SR anyway.
Family is a slippery slope. For me I told no one. That worked for me. The boundaries of family are much more lax than friends - most are much more nosy feeling justified in doing so because they have a greater interest. Of course when we share then questions are to be expected. Its not really fair to include them on discussion when it works for us then cut them off when they want more information or want to give advise.
I don't really share much of anything anymore with anyone that is personal. I didn't used to be like that at all to the contrary I was an open book. That has come back to haunt me at times - nobody keeps their mouths shut also it becomes very confusing when you are being hammered with advice and often pressured to make decisions. Keeps the drama active and alive.
Prefer the advice from my cyber friends here at SR anyway.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Sigh...I am sorry. You DO NOT need her validation. You are doing the right thing.
I was so hurt by some family members when I finally pulled the plug. However, my other family members are wonderful, and I have created a family of people outside of my actual family too. Some from CR, some from work, basically just wonderful friends who have become my family. And of course, your SR family here!!
XXX
I was so hurt by some family members when I finally pulled the plug. However, my other family members are wonderful, and I have created a family of people outside of my actual family too. Some from CR, some from work, basically just wonderful friends who have become my family. And of course, your SR family here!!
XXX
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Thank you guys.
Next time I talk to her I am definitely going to try some of these suggestions.
She knows what she knows now and I can't change that but there really isn't too much else to talk about regarding the situation so next time it comes up I'll be ready.
I certainly haven't asked for her advice, there's been nothing to encourage her to keep at me besides the fact that I didn't redirect the conversation in the first place and did answer some of her questions, probably too many.
But anyway, next time, I will be more aware.
Next time I talk to her I am definitely going to try some of these suggestions.
She knows what she knows now and I can't change that but there really isn't too much else to talk about regarding the situation so next time it comes up I'll be ready.
I certainly haven't asked for her advice, there's been nothing to encourage her to keep at me besides the fact that I didn't redirect the conversation in the first place and did answer some of her questions, probably too many.
But anyway, next time, I will be more aware.
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