Well, I guess that's it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Well, I guess that's it.
Had my daughter's 1st birthday this weekend. It went really well. I was so proud of my cake (lol).
My husband's family (his mum, stepdad, brother and sister in law) came along. They have all been in contact with him.
Apparently he has now lost his job. He is still refusing rehab. His brother has said to him that if he goes to rehab and gets well that he will get him in an apartment after and pay his rent for 6 months to get him back on his feet. But husband has so far refused. Apparently he is living in squalor at his dad's.
Based on what they know and have seen, they feel my husband will never be able to handle the responsibility of having a family and that he probably doesn't want it. His brother said he thinks all he wants to do is be alone and "be a writer." My husband is a playwright, actor musician so that makes sense.
They are all supportive of my plan to move interstate.
I just got a text from my husband on our daughter's birthday... It just said that he cannot describe his shame and that he loves us.
It's strange how this has all happened, I don't really know what to think. But I guess having that info from his family has just strengthened my resolve and eliminated any doubts I might have still had lingering regarding my decisions.
My husband's family (his mum, stepdad, brother and sister in law) came along. They have all been in contact with him.
Apparently he has now lost his job. He is still refusing rehab. His brother has said to him that if he goes to rehab and gets well that he will get him in an apartment after and pay his rent for 6 months to get him back on his feet. But husband has so far refused. Apparently he is living in squalor at his dad's.
Based on what they know and have seen, they feel my husband will never be able to handle the responsibility of having a family and that he probably doesn't want it. His brother said he thinks all he wants to do is be alone and "be a writer." My husband is a playwright, actor musician so that makes sense.
They are all supportive of my plan to move interstate.
I just got a text from my husband on our daughter's birthday... It just said that he cannot describe his shame and that he loves us.
It's strange how this has all happened, I don't really know what to think. But I guess having that info from his family has just strengthened my resolve and eliminated any doubts I might have still had lingering regarding my decisions.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Maybear,
You are doing so well.
That must be really tough having his family around reporting back, however I am glad that he is showing you clearly who he is and his choices right now.
People can find recovery at any time, however it would have to come from him, and right now he doesn't want to. Sounds like he would rather feel sorry for himself.
I am so impressed by how you are handling this and created a beautiful 1st Birthday for your daughter. I think it will be easier when you have some physical distance as well and do not have his family reporting back to you.
Hugs.
You are doing so well.
That must be really tough having his family around reporting back, however I am glad that he is showing you clearly who he is and his choices right now.
People can find recovery at any time, however it would have to come from him, and right now he doesn't want to. Sounds like he would rather feel sorry for himself.
I am so impressed by how you are handling this and created a beautiful 1st Birthday for your daughter. I think it will be easier when you have some physical distance as well and do not have his family reporting back to you.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by maybear 
Based on what they know and have seen, they feel my husband will never be able to handle the responsibility of having a family and that he probably doesn't want it. His brother said he thinks all he wants to do is be alone and "be a writer."
He does not want to be alone to write, he wants to be alone so he can drink they way he wants to without any eyes on him. I know this because I have been there.
He needs to hit bottom and he is not there yet. That comment about his shame is BS. I am not saying he does not feel shame, I am sure he does but it is not enough for him to want to change, he is only using that in the hopes that someone (you) will feel sorry for him.
Shame is not keeping him from recovery, getting honest and acceptance that is he is an alcoholic and needs help is what is keeping him in the bottle.
I do understand how getting some information can help push us along. I got some myself over the weekend, it confirmed that nothing has changed. It is still all about him, he is right and the rest us are all looking at it wrong and I am getting damaging advice from others. I have gotten no new advice, I am just finally listening and accepting the advice I have been given all along.
Much like the alcoholic has to reach their bottom, we have to reach ours as well. It is not easy to accept but once we are there we get a little stronger. We didn't give up, we decided that our lives and in your case the life of your child is more important at this time then hanging on. You can't help him. That is between him and God now.
Everything is going to be okay
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad that his family is being supportive of your moving on. Not that you NEED their support, but it's one less obstacle to your leaving and one less emotional hurdle to deal with.
Glad the party was fun!
Sounds to me like you're doing great.
Glad the party was fun!
Sounds to me like you're doing great.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Many prayers for you and your daughter. It's entirely possible to write, act etc and be a responsible family man. You just can't be a drunken lush and a responsible family man. His shame is that everyone knows this. His shame is that he's so tied to drink that even six months free rent can't break him away. He's given up on himself way before he gave up on his family.
I'm glad your little girl has her grandparents in her life. And it's nice that you too have their support. The good thing about having info on him like this, is that it prevents you from falling into the trap of wondering how he is or reveling in some fantasy that he may be on the mend and maybe it could workout after all.
Nice job keeping it together!
I'm glad your little girl has her grandparents in her life. And it's nice that you too have their support. The good thing about having info on him like this, is that it prevents you from falling into the trap of wondering how he is or reveling in some fantasy that he may be on the mend and maybe it could workout after all.
Nice job keeping it together!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Thank you all for responding.
I didn't respond to him when he sent that. It really doesn't mean much to me. They are just empty words. And his shame, I feel, is his problem. I've got my own feelings to contend with.
But we did have a great day and we do have a lot of support so I am really grateful for that.
I didn't respond to him when he sent that. It really doesn't mean much to me. They are just empty words. And his shame, I feel, is his problem. I've got my own feelings to contend with.
But we did have a great day and we do have a lot of support so I am really grateful for that.
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