Green Eyes

I've been reading this site for the last 3 days trying to decide if I should post something - I'm very nervous about pouring my heart out! My B/F left 2 months ago. We had been together for 2.5 years. I've been trying to make sense of something I thought was perfect! I thought he was the man of my dreams - so attentive, thoughtful, charming, loving - you name it. I have to admit there were red flags from the beginning - a collection of empty liquor bottles in his apartment, the need to always have access to alcohol. Once he moved in, whenever I questioned his drinking habits, the fight was on. He said I was the one who had the issue with liquor. It was the ONLY thing we fought about. He said he didn't have a problem because he didn't drink everyday and he wasn't violent with me. He came home and drank by himself about 3 or 4 times a week. Usually once a week, it was 6 to 8 beer and 4 bourbon. If he did go out to the bar, he came home totally bombed. He changed jobs about 1 year ago which allowed him to be away from home a lot. This is the point that I noticed a gradual change in this behaviour. I discovered that he carried booze in his truck with him as he needed to have a drink if he was parked and slept in the sleeper. He never chewed gum but always had it in his truck and also carried Listerine Pocket Paks. He also asked me to buy Scope for his truck because he "didn't always have a chance to brush his teeth". He could drink an unbelievable amount before you could notice a change in him and if he was in the company of others who drank, he couldn't stop. This past January, he suggested we go for counselling so the I could get help for MY problem of thinking he had a problem with drinking. The counsellor basically said that she wasn't an expert on alcohol and concentrated on me as having the problem. That was his cue to never attend counselling again. I attended faithfully for 5 months. He told me that he couldn't trust ME to not hassle him about his drinking and said he'd lost respect for ME. In June, he announced that he was leaving because he wants to "do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it without having to answer to anyone". Of course, I was devastated. There is so much more to this story but I've gone on too long already. I guess I'm mourning the loss of the person I thought he was! My family, friends, co-workers - EVERYONE - thought he adored me and were totally shocked when this happened. I've tried to come up with answers and may never fully understand. My reason for being here is that I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholism. Can someone out there tell me if they identify with any of this? Did my ex have a problem with alcohol and because I was "on to him", did I frighten him away? I literally did EVERYTHING to support this person - cooked, cared for him when he had a serious accident, held down the fort when he was on the road. I feel like such a fool!

Yreva

"Green Eyes"-
I feel bad for you. I know what a broken heart feels like, and it sucks---Don't question what you know in your heart. He sounds like he has a big problem with alcohol, and the both of you would have had a long road together. IF he was willing to get help then it would be different, but most practicing alcoholics want to blame their inadequacys on the person they are with....and most of all they like to blame the drinking on you. I suggest going to an Al Anon meeting or two, and definately a new counselor...this was NOT your problem, and the counselor was wrong to think it was. It is really hard for someone else to define if your B/F had a drinking problem. I think from what you said it wasn't the most healthy thing for your relationship, so if there wasn't an alcohol problem why didn't he stop drinking for the better fo the relationship??? I asked myself that question for many years...you are better off to learn as much as you can about alcoholisium so that you don't repeat they cycle and pick the next guy that has some of the same "red flags". It is hard to spot them because they are great manipulators, but if you arm yourself with knowledge you will be all the healthier and less likely to find another alcoholic. Hang in there----this was not YOUR failure...ALCOHOL is a terrible thing. Good luck to you!
Di

noifs2day

Welcome.
It sounds like you are in the right place. I am glad you posted.
You are not alone. I too did everything - at one time. I learned many many things by asking questions. There many people here, give them time to respond.

You mention counseling, did your counselor ever mention Al-Anon?

splendra

((((GE)))))),

It appears his drinking is more of a problem for you than it is for him. Until the pain of his drinking becomes too much for him he mostly likely will not quit. This is very unfortunate that you are having to experience the loss of your relationship with him because he does not see that his drinking is a problem. You have every right to be hurt and disapointed. He has every right not to want to be around someone who disapporves of his drinking.

It may not feel like it right now but, he probably did you a great favor to leave you for the bottle which is exactly what he did. See clearly that booze is the most important factor in his life. I know it is heart breaking but, that is what addiction does it just takes over a person's life. We can pray for him that one day he will come to his sences and decide he wants to live instead of drink.

I hope you will continue to seek help. Because being around addiction makes us sick. Get well and move forward. ....And welcome to sober recovery.... take care of you and keep posting it really helps.

Cadence57

WOW!!! Were you dating my boyfriend??? :suspect:
Seriously though, I can SOOO relate and I can tell you, from experience, that you need to have faith in your instincts (those red flags)!! My b/f recently said the EXACT same thing to me! He told me that HE doesn't have a problem, I do... I have "serious issues" with drinking (and I will gladly admit that I do have issues with drinking - I grew up with alcoholic parents and all the chaos that comes with that - promised myself that I would never live that way again but... here Iam - involved with an A)... The fact that he lost his license, has evidently had numerous personal problems, past (and present) relationship problems, etc etc etc all because of the booze does NOT mean that he has a problem with it....
ARRRGH!! :banghead:

I finally got to the end of my rope with him two weeks ago - and then I just took a leap of faith and let go... there was nothing left to do! Of course, I still have days where I obsess over his drinking (like right now - I just spoke to him on the phone and he was noticably intoxicated) but, all in all, I try not to let HIS drinking be MY problem. I try to remember that it's a disease and his behavior, the assinine accusations, the lying, the denial are all a part of HIS problem -- I'm trying to take care of me and let him take care of himself... and what happens to "us" is anyone's guess.

Green Eyes

Thank you all! And to Yreva and Nofis2day - no, the counsellor never mentioned Al Anon. However, a friends Mom is a member and I will be going to an open meeting with her in September.

In so many of the postings I've read, it seems that the person with the drinking problem wants to stay with their partners and say they want to work things out (whether they do or not may be a different story). In my case, he chose to leave - to throw away a "good woman" as he put it. He actually admitted to the fact that he was probably making a mistake but said he burned that bridge. It's seemed so easy for him to walk away. Is an addiction so strong that it turns you totally away from those you care about? I probably sound so naive!

You have all have made me feel better than 5 months of counselling in a few paragraphs of experience. Thank you so much.

cwohio

greeneyes - if you read many of the posts on this board you will have the answer to that questions.

it would be good if you could go to a meeting before sept. but if not at least you have sr and they have online meetings too.

hugs - cwohio

myles1

Sounds like you need an Alanon meeting before September..........they have meeting lists on-line in your area I'll bet or call the A.A hotline and they could tell you.


Were you going out with my ex?????????

This isn't your problem and boy were you living some abusive manipulation in that relationship.

Yes exactly what you said you were on to him and it got too hot for him to stay.he's sick he wants his booze.

This isn't your problem and believe me you are better off that he is gone.

You'd be living more of a hell than you already were.

Find a counsellor for your own self.

Ngaire

Green Eyes

Is it possible for a person with a drinking problem to hide it or try to curtail it for 2 years? Does the urge to drink eventually overtake you so that you just can't live behind the mask anymore and you go back to your old bad habits? He also started smoking again after being off cigarettes for 5 or 6 years. He was also doing amphetamines so that he could stay awake for his job. I found out about this after he left.

I've never been to Al Anon. As a guest, do I just get to listen or do I get to talk?

Maggie-May

Glad you found this forum and really hope you get to Al-Anon! When you first attend Al-Anon you are free to listeon or t talk - whatever you're comfortable with. I think you will find Al-Anon a loving and supportive group. I have only been attending for three months, but after my very first meeting I knew I had found the right place for me. I have been married to an alcoholic for 4 1/2 years. My husband has begun attending AA and things are looking a lot brighter. But it has been a LONG HARD road. The weird thing about the disease is that it is characterized by denial. A person's life might be falling apart due to the booze yet the alcoholic denies that he has a problem. It's very strange!

And in answer to your question, yes I believe it is possible for them to hide it or curtail it for long periods of time. My husband tried quitting many times and could quit for extended periods but sooner or later will power gave out. I know believe that VERY few people are able to quit on their own. AA has had the most success with alcoholics and it is a spiritual approach, whereby the alcoholic admits he is powerless over alcohol and receives help from a "higher power". The same thing has been necessary in my life to help release me from the obsession I developed about my husband's drinking!

Let us know how you find Al-Anon!

Yreva

Green Eyes- It is possible to "hide" a drinking problem,---my husband of 7 years has ALWAYS been one. It just depends on where they are at in the process of that disease. Just like someone with cancer- at first they look healthy, but later it is apparent that they are dying. Sad comparision, but so similar. My husband only got bad in the last 2 years, but there were signs along the way. Now he is in treatment, but wants a divorce. I am soooooooo confused, but really I think he is right. He thinks our relationship is what made him drink, but he doesn't acknowledge that he was unhappy and turned that on me and blames me or "us" for making him so unhappy. I feel for your B/F and my husband because they will find that this follows them into the next relationship if they never get help.
There are so many good people on this board--keep posting and learning and hold your head up high...there are men that would LOVE a woman like you.
Di

Green Eyes

Thanks, Yreva: I think because I was so caught up in his "act", I questioned whether or not he had a problem. However, after reading this site for the last couple of days, there are so many stories that make me realize I wasn't imagining.

Drinking was the only thing we fought about and when he left he told me that we had a great relationship and that we never fought. I thought...what planet are you on? Didn't he remember the rages we had over his drinking? It was like he didn't want to acknowledge it at all. He told me prior to his leaving, though, that he didn't deserve two years of nagging over something that wasn't a problem. When I look back, I see how he put the blame back on me. You then begin to believe that you ARE the problem.

I feel for you as well and can totally relate. Although we weren't married and weren't together as long as you, I can identify with how you feel. I agree that this will follow them wherever they go - geographically or relationship to relationship.

I joined the "chat" lastnight and found it to be really helpful.

Thank you for your post.

myles1

Ha ha ha Oh God Greeneyes poor you.

Classic A responses and denial.

When you go to Alanon you can do as you wish speak or not.

And yes it is possible for him to curtail it for a time until he got you hooked in.

Ngaire

Green Eyes

I'm beginning to see that there are "classic A responses and denials". Reading through the posts proves it over and over. Question is: why bother "hooking someone in" when he knows it will not be able to follow through...or does he?

Lorelai

Misery loves company.

myles1

He can only hope that something will be different, it's a game a game of blame and twisting the truth and reality onto someone else. That's part of his survival kit with his disease. He sounds like he was awfully mentally and emotionally abusive to you Green Eyes. He got you where he wanted you taking the blame for him and his crap, having you believe it was you.

Ngaire

Green Eyes

Well, having never been involved with an A before, this has been an unbelievable road for me. The manipulation game takes a lot of practice to be good at and he was the master. When they are playing the game, do they realize it or are they that self-centered that they don't think they are doing anything wrong?

Dan

Hi Green Eyes,
I'm a recovering addict named Dan. Alcohol was my favorite poison.
The game, as you call it, was just the way I lived my life. My priority was to drink and do drugs. Therefore, all my activities and behaviors revolved around that. Manipulation, deceit, lying, etc... All that mattered was getting more alcohol. It didn't matter to me how I hurt people. It didn't matter to me if I was endangering myself or others. I didn't care about my wife or children. It was beyond being self centered for me. I really had no clear sense of self left anyway. I was concious of that to a degree, but I didn't give a damn. Everyone else had a problem. Not me...
My life revolved around getting high and drunk. I wouldn't allow anything to get in the way of that. I'm glad you found the wonderful people in this forum. I've learned much from them.
Good luck to you Green Eyes.

Green Eyes

DD: Thank you so much for posting. Your message was extremely helpful for me to understand how an addict lives and feels.

I stumbled upon this forum by accident and I'm very glad I did. Everyone is so willing to share. Thanks again, DD. All the best in your recovery!

myles1

GreenEyes,

On one hand it's very painful what you are going through right now but on the other hand you are now learning it wasn't you and your problem so it will also be a relief to you to know that.

As you keep coming here reading posts and talking to people you'll heal.

A face to face Alanon group would be a good expereience for you too.

You can e-mail me anytime.

Ngaire