Need advise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
Need advise
Old Today, 01:26 AM #1 (permalink)
Wasted17
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
Need advise
Hi All-
I'm looking for advise. My husband has always been a drinker but recently I've watched his drinking escalate. He drinks everyday. I asked him to go to counseling so we could figure out a compromise for his drinking since he sees nothing wrong it. In fact he thinks I'm crazy and sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Our counselor is not an specialized in addiction. On the second visit he asked my husband to either limit his drinking or stop since it's causing obvious issues in our relationship. Well that went over like a lead balloon. My H was irrate. Why would I ask him to stop something that he loves?!? After a few days he consented to limiting his drinks to 2 daily.
Honestly I knew this was a mistake since we've been down this road many times... He limits for a while then goes back to his old ways. Now I feel like he is hiding his drinking. Going to "lunch" at a sports bar where I'm sure he has a few then coming home and having a few more. Today he was at the sports bar from 3-6:30 then drives home. I know cause I followed him. His behavior has been very strange- gone for a week on a business trip and didn't call or text once. I'm sure he was having a no holes barred time.
I've been attending Alanon and reading posts everyday- educating myself as much as possible.
Here's my dilemma- my husband drives a company vehicle. I'm scared for him in many ways. I've asked him not to drive when he drinks but he's not being honest with where he's at and will argue that he wasn't drinking just having lunch...when he gets home the first thing he does is grab a beer or a drink. I would assume to cover the smell. I'm not sure how to talk to him, I'm sure he will get defensive and it will start a huge argument. We have 3 children and I don't want them to see this kind of stress. I'm at a loss. How do I move forward??
Wasted17
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
Need advise
Hi All-
I'm looking for advise. My husband has always been a drinker but recently I've watched his drinking escalate. He drinks everyday. I asked him to go to counseling so we could figure out a compromise for his drinking since he sees nothing wrong it. In fact he thinks I'm crazy and sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Our counselor is not an specialized in addiction. On the second visit he asked my husband to either limit his drinking or stop since it's causing obvious issues in our relationship. Well that went over like a lead balloon. My H was irrate. Why would I ask him to stop something that he loves?!? After a few days he consented to limiting his drinks to 2 daily.
Honestly I knew this was a mistake since we've been down this road many times... He limits for a while then goes back to his old ways. Now I feel like he is hiding his drinking. Going to "lunch" at a sports bar where I'm sure he has a few then coming home and having a few more. Today he was at the sports bar from 3-6:30 then drives home. I know cause I followed him. His behavior has been very strange- gone for a week on a business trip and didn't call or text once. I'm sure he was having a no holes barred time.
I've been attending Alanon and reading posts everyday- educating myself as much as possible.
Here's my dilemma- my husband drives a company vehicle. I'm scared for him in many ways. I've asked him not to drive when he drinks but he's not being honest with where he's at and will argue that he wasn't drinking just having lunch...when he gets home the first thing he does is grab a beer or a drink. I would assume to cover the smell. I'm not sure how to talk to him, I'm sure he will get defensive and it will start a huge argument. We have 3 children and I don't want them to see this kind of stress. I'm at a loss. How do I move forward??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Wasted17 - How long have you been attending Al Anon and are you working the step program or just going to meetings?
You are exhibiting some classic codependent behavior - following your husband, trying to monitor and manage his drinking, trying to monitor and manage him driving etc.
First, an alcoholic cannot be managed. Your actions will only contribute to your "crazy". Denial is the life blood of alcoholism - he drinks he drives, he won't tell you where he is, he tries to cover up the smell and if you confront him he hasn't been drinking and you are crazy. I suppose if you walked in a bar and he was in mid sip he would deny that as well.
There is not one damn thing you can do about him drinking and driving in that company vehicle other than call the police or call his boss. I am not suggesting you do that although people have. I don't imagine it would be favorable for him to get a DUI in a company vehicle.....not much you can do about it.
You seem to know that there is no moderation of alcoholism. Often when A's agree to moderate they only show you what they want you to see (i.e. "I've only had 2 drinks!!! In front of you that is I really had 20).
I strongly encourage you to start working the Steps of Al Anon. Stop following your husband, stop looking for booze, stop asking how much he has had to drink, stop asking him where he has been, stop confronting him about drinking and driving. You already KNOW the answer here do you really need to be lied to once again?
Sorry for what you are going through and I hope you will come to the conclusion that you can help yourself and your kids even though you can't help your AH.
You are exhibiting some classic codependent behavior - following your husband, trying to monitor and manage his drinking, trying to monitor and manage him driving etc.
First, an alcoholic cannot be managed. Your actions will only contribute to your "crazy". Denial is the life blood of alcoholism - he drinks he drives, he won't tell you where he is, he tries to cover up the smell and if you confront him he hasn't been drinking and you are crazy. I suppose if you walked in a bar and he was in mid sip he would deny that as well.
There is not one damn thing you can do about him drinking and driving in that company vehicle other than call the police or call his boss. I am not suggesting you do that although people have. I don't imagine it would be favorable for him to get a DUI in a company vehicle.....not much you can do about it.
You seem to know that there is no moderation of alcoholism. Often when A's agree to moderate they only show you what they want you to see (i.e. "I've only had 2 drinks!!! In front of you that is I really had 20).
I strongly encourage you to start working the Steps of Al Anon. Stop following your husband, stop looking for booze, stop asking how much he has had to drink, stop asking him where he has been, stop confronting him about drinking and driving. You already KNOW the answer here do you really need to be lied to once again?
Sorry for what you are going through and I hope you will come to the conclusion that you can help yourself and your kids even though you can't help your AH.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Wasted, I'm sorry you have this in your life. It's obvious he has no intention of becoming sober, and he's in denial that it's a problem. As a sober A, I guess he'll be feeling threatened by the idea of not drinking. Admitting there's a problem would mean he had to face it.
As far as he's concerned, you could bring it up again in counselling. Even if AH denies it, the counsellor should be skilled enough to read between the lines. At least you can let your AH know very clearly that you know what's going on, and it is threatening your marriage. Don't wait for him to admit it, it won't happen. Where do you see your relationship if he keeps drinking? For now, detaching will help keep you sane, but you might need to think long term.
As far as he's concerned, you could bring it up again in counselling. Even if AH denies it, the counsellor should be skilled enough to read between the lines. At least you can let your AH know very clearly that you know what's going on, and it is threatening your marriage. Don't wait for him to admit it, it won't happen. Where do you see your relationship if he keeps drinking? For now, detaching will help keep you sane, but you might need to think long term.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
