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My STBXAH apologized

Old 04-30-2015, 05:24 PM
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My STBXAH apologized

Today I got an out of the blue call from my X. He said he's been in counseling and wanted to know if I could help him with answers to some questions he's had. He still thinks I was cheating for years but after we got off that subject he conceded and agreed to trust me when I told him that I didn't have the emotional capacity nor the time to entertain gentlemen.

He told me he still loves me. He told me I am a sweet woman and that I've been nothing but gracious and kind through this whole divorce process. He told me I should have men lined up at my door and that I deserve so much better than what he was able to give me. He said he has an awful emptiness rattling around in the house alone. He wanted to know how I did it....how I found peace and happiness.

It was heartbreaking. I couldn't tell him that I loved him back......because I don't. He said he keeps thinking about how our 20 year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and how he knows he blew it. He said he had it all and he let it slip away and let me get away.

Sigh.....it was bittersweet and I have had nothing but compassion for him and towards him as we've been moving through this process. I can only pray that someday he finds his peace and his own serenity as I have. I shared my program with him, I made my own amends and told him how I contributed to the downfall of our marriage and how our toxic dysfunction just wasn't going to work after all these years and how it was so unhealthy for our son to live like that.

It was a good conversation. Now, come next week, he may be on a binge and calling me a 'f*cking bi*ch' again and tell me that I'm picking the meat off his dead carcass, but at least we had this conversation and were able to get through a few things for now.
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Old 04-30-2015, 05:42 PM
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Liz, just want to tell you one thing. My ex went to therapy many times. He would call me right after getting out, apologize for everything, drive 15 mins home, was in the worst mood ever.

You are doing really good, you already know all of this. I do believe that the feelings for you are gone. It's nice to get an apology or closure, just remember at this point it is a "hoover", and tomorrow, he may be back to calling you a f.....g b...h.

I really think you are doing terrific. I think you needed that extra time, just so that you would know, that was really the end.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:20 PM
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Hi Liz. Stay strong (I know you will). He's feeling sorry for himself as you know. Waaaa.
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Old 04-30-2015, 08:15 PM
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I'm pretty jaded and cynical. I got a similar call from AXH where he was all sweet and you know not wanting to make any accusations or anything but std testing is expensive and could I swear that I really hadn't cheated on him so he could save the expense?
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:06 PM
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Sounds more like a fishing expedition than a real apology. My ex couldn't believe that I didn't have a guy lined up when I left him. He's still fixated on the idea that I'm shacking up with someone or out running around. He's paying a lawyer thousands of dollars to read my journal right now, under the guise of a custody case.
Because it's not possible that I left him because he a drunken ah*le and that being on my own is better than being with him. There must be another guy. Yeah, that's it.
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Old 05-01-2015, 04:30 AM
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I am just amazed at your transformation. Maybe next week he will be different. It is sad to reflect and realize you really screwed up big time, and that you are just a shell of a human being. He had so many chances.

Oh Well.
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Old 05-01-2015, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I am just amazed at your transformation. Maybe next week he will be different. It is sad to reflect and realize you really screwed up big time, and that you are just a shell of a human being. He had so many chances.

Oh Well.
Oh well is just about how I put it, too. I gave him way too many chances over the years and he knows it. And, yes, I already do have a few men lined up, LOL, but you know? They're all screwed up, too, so just because they are available doesn't mean I'm jumping into relationships with them. My X can't seem to understand that being alone is sometimes better than just being with 'anyone'. My standards will be pretty high this time around and I'm actually happy living alone. I honestly believe that I would like a long term committed relationship one day but I, for now, have no desire to ever settle down and live with a man in the same house ever again. It's just too much work!!!!! Plus, I like my space and my bed and I like watching my stuff on TV, LOL!
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Old 05-01-2015, 07:09 AM
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I am so proud of you. At least he sees it, although I completely understand, who know what you will get next week. My X is just this way too.

Hugs!
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Old 05-01-2015, 10:50 AM
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Not to hijack this thread, but is this common...the going back and forth, coming and going, I'm sorry-then next week you're a stupid bi**h....is this just indicative of a person not in recovery??? Would these things stop if in recovery? Again-sorry! Just got me thinking...
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Old 05-01-2015, 10:59 AM
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In my experience it is very common. My X calls me a horrible B one second, and is crying about how much he hurt me the next. Eh...all of those are his issues, not mine.

I AM FREE!!!!!
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Old 05-01-2015, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
In my experience it is very common. My X calls me a horrible B one second, and is crying about how much he hurt me the next. Eh...all of those are his issues, not mine.

I AM FREE!!!!!
AMEN! me too!
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Old 05-01-2015, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I'm actually happy living alone. I honestly believe that I would like a long term committed relationship one day but I, for now, have no desire to ever settle down and live with a man in the same house ever again. It's just too much work!!!!! Plus, I like my space and my bed and I like watching my stuff on TV, LOL!
Amen Sista!

Two weeks ago mine was listing off all the things he has done wrong, how he is so sorry and then a week later he is telling me that I am not giving “us” a chance and I am still living in the past.

In a 14 month time frame he relapsed nine times, I never knew anything but heartache, lies & manipulation but I am living in the past….Well Yeah, what else do I got to compare it to, living in the future is not going to get me anywhere.

Not even two months sober and I am the problem, the ego grows back so quick he must be eating miracle grow.

He told me a couple weeks ago him and some of the guys in the shelter were playing bocce ball on the lawn but they were told to move as the lawn was in front of the woman’s section of the shelter and the director felt they were playing in that place to attract the woman. I said “Well maybe some of the guys are” his answer was…”well not me, I am not interested in some woman that is living in a homeless shelter”.

He is living in a homeless shelter! yet judges the woman in the same exact situation. I was speechless.
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Old 05-01-2015, 01:05 PM
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Aww poor thing.

Anywho - you sound AMAZING - have fun in your new, healthier life!!
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Old 05-01-2015, 05:00 PM
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way back when my 1st husband and I split up....our baby was just shy of a year old, and he'd taken up with my "best" friend. yeah, that was a hoot. we all worked together and I did try to keep working at his family's business but after a month just had to cry uncle.

so I lost my husband, my best friend, quit my job and on the advice of EVERYONE, moved back in with my mother, in her basement den.

a couple months into this brian calls me one night....he says sometimes he thinks he made a mistake, sometimes he just wants to call me and say come get me.

so there's the big opening right? he's indicating he wants to come back or is at least THINKING he wants to come back.

but too much had happened already. and I was able to say "sorry, you're too late" - not meanly or spitefully, just HONESTLY.

it's like amends.....made to you.....the amends maker may be 100% authentic in their apology, contrite, and with comprehension of what happened and the part they played.

but NOTHING is required of the amends receiver. not even an acknowledgement. and certainly not a CHANGE in behaviors. apologies and amends are not a command to change course.

you handled it very well Liz.....you didn't sway or buckle or go soft.....you heard him out, felt compassion, and let it be. you have come quite a ways from your early days here. god, that can sound SO condescending....or trite. but the woman who posts today doesn't even sound like the woman who posted under your username a year or so ago!
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Old 05-01-2015, 05:23 PM
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Yes-big kudos!
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Old 05-01-2015, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
way back when my 1st husband and I split up....our baby was just shy of a year old, and he'd taken up with my "best" friend. yeah, that was a hoot. we all worked together and I did try to keep working at his family's business but after a month just had to cry uncle.

so I lost my husband, my best friend, quit my job and on the advice of EVERYONE, moved back in with my mother, in her basement den.

a couple months into this brian calls me one night....he says sometimes he thinks he made a mistake, sometimes he just wants to call me and say come get me.

so there's the big opening right? he's indicating he wants to come back or is at least THINKING he wants to come back.

but too much had happened already. and I was able to say "sorry, you're too late" - not meanly or spitefully, just HONESTLY.

it's like amends.....made to you.....the amends maker may be 100% authentic in their apology, contrite, and with comprehension of what happened and the part they played.

but NOTHING is required of the amends receiver. not even an acknowledgement. and certainly not a CHANGE in behaviors. apologies and amends are not a command to change course.

you handled it very well Liz.....you didn't sway or buckle or go soft.....you heard him out, felt compassion, and let it be. you have come quite a ways from your early days here. god, that can sound SO condescending....or trite. but the woman who posts today doesn't even sound like the woman who posted under your username a year or so ago!
Wow, huge thank you to you Anvil!
You're right, though, I don't feel like the same woman from my recent past. I truly feel renewed and I feel like I carry myself differently with strength. I get compliments on everything from my hair, to my shoes, to my dress.....from complete strangers. I had a random woman at the grocery store tell me that I looked like I was shining when I walked in the store and she said the blouse I had on brought out my eyes. A male friend of mine told me that I was refreshing to be around.

All of that I can attribute to healing from within and to Al Anon and SR and to just stepping out in faith. I still have bad days including today because I have a chest cold, aunt flo is here, and I have a wound on my leg that is infected and I just spent 2 hours at urgent care....but it's all good. Everything will heal and the bad days will be over just as my past is my past. Thanks again everyone and Anvil, too!!!
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Old 05-01-2015, 11:47 PM
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Liz I can see you shine just from reading your words!!
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Old 05-02-2015, 12:17 AM
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Wow lizatola firstly I want to thank you for such a great post and all the responses here.

You give me strength and hope for my future.

I love your positive upbeat yet very honest post.

We all know it's not perfect and it's still tough but you really gave me hope today.

SRand Al Anon keep me sane.

All the best to you and your exciting life ahead Phiz
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Old 05-02-2015, 07:21 AM
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Doin' great, kiddo!

Keep on keepin' on!
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Old 05-02-2015, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Oh well is just about how I put it, too. I gave him way too many chances over the years and he knows it. And, yes, I already do have a few men lined up, LOL, but you know? They're all screwed up, too, so just because they are available doesn't mean I'm jumping into relationships with them. My X can't seem to understand that being alone is sometimes better than just being with 'anyone'. My standards will be pretty high this time around and I'm actually happy living alone. I honestly believe that I would like a long term committed relationship one day but I, for now, have no desire to ever settle down and live with a man in the same house ever again. It's just too much work!!!!! Plus, I like my space and my bed and I like watching my stuff on TV, LOL!
Ditto. I am finding out that I'm pretty cool lady. Would like friendship someday but I have a lot of living to catch up right now.
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