Understanding my alcoholic's behavior? On the verge of leaving
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Missouri
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Understanding my alcoholic's behavior? On the verge of leaving
I've tried keeping this short... but it's not really.:-\ Thank you in advance to those who take the time to read and respond. I'm kind of at the end of my rope. The last couple weeks I've been thinking about leaving my alcoholic partner. We've been together-ish for about a year and a half (committed and living together for ten months).
At the time we became friends (and for a period of time friends with benefits) he had been sober for over a year with the help of AA, but during the first year we knew each other he relapsed and began drinking regularly again. As his friend, I expressed concern about him falling off the wagon, but I didn't press the issue as I felt like his sobriety was his responsibility. When he decided to become sober again, we became closer and I gradually started to return the feelings that he had harbored for me for most of the time we had known each other, and we became a couple. Through circumstances of life, we ended up living together a few months later. In the initial stages, we were both very happy and have often talked about our desire to one day get married.
But alas... his last stint of sobriety ended shortly after we moved in together. It began with just moderate amounts of alcohol every few weeks or so when he would go out without me, but it gradually escalated as time went on, and for the last month or two he's been off the wagon pretty hard. When it all began, he initially made very strong promises to make sure the slip-ups didn't happen again, but nothing's really stuck. I haven't left him because I still cling to the version of him that I fell in love with and know that deep down he wants to change... usually.
But, he is different now, and our relationship is different. He's established a much larger network of friends in recent months, most of whom regularly invite him out - sometimes he resists the urge and decides it's best to stay home, other times he doesn't. He's become more indifferent to our relationship, and towards me. Whereas we used to spend as much time as possible together, our time together seems less valuable to him. He makes less of an effort at communicating with me. His interest in sex has decreased considerably. The harder I push to make things better, the more he pushes me away. There have been nights where he goes out when I'm not able to because I work in the mornings and he'll stay out until 4 or 5 AM; which means I basically don't fall sleep on those nights and just feel emotional and exhausted at work the following day. We've been in a continuous cycle of him over-drinking, doing or saying something stupid that hurts my feelings, me being pissed off the next day and him apologizing and promising that he's working on it, and then things will be fine for a week or two with modest efforts at making his sobriety stick, it starts over again. Although he'll sometimes make efforts to prove otherwise, when he's in that party mode mindset, there's a very pronounced attitude that I'm not a priority and he himself will tell me that while he needs to work on his drinking, I need to work on my co-dependency (something he's not wrong about; as someone who is traditionally kind of a loner/introvert, it's hard for me to be in this position of constantly worrying and being upset by another person's actions. And I am sometimes begrudging about sharing our limited time together throughout the week with other people, but I do make an effort to be okay with him seeing his friends and having his space and not be controlling).
I almost moved out of our apartment this weekend after he started drinking at an event with his softball league. I was just tired of the anxiety and feeling insecure in the relationship, and after all of the previous reassurances and false promises and tear-felt apologies, it was the first time he actually said to me that this is just who he is and I have to accept "occasional" drinking if we're going to stay together. So I left the party, texted him to let him know that I'd be staying at my cousin's house that night, he went on to drink all night and didn't even go home, and when we met at our apartment the next day after I got off work prepared for the break-up, he had a meltdown and started bawling in bed with me about how he wishes he didn't have all of these problems, he doesn't want to drink anymore, he hates himself, he doesn't deserve me, I don't deserve to be treated this way, etc, and although this was a much more intense moment than anything I've experienced with him before, it was a lot of the same promises I've heard before. In the end, he begged me not to leave and said he would do whatever he needed to to try to recover, and even though I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in this same situation with him again soon, I agreed to stay. The truth is, I just wasn't ready... financially or emotionally.
I'm sort of lost with this. I'm trying to focus on my own recovery and my own life and my own goals, I'm talking with a counselor, attending al-anon, but at the end of the day, he is my best friend and it's hard to not want to change my plans to be with him or make time for him when I can, and it's difficult for me not to think about him or worry about him, even though I know it's pointless for me to obsess over his recovery. I often feel insecure in the relationship; things were great before the drinking started getting bad and we were inseparable. I never had any doubts about his feelings for me and our future, but even though most of our current problems right now stem from his drinking and my co-dependency, I sometimes wonder how much of it is normal relationship problems that will still be present even if he does succeed at getting sober (the loss of affection towards me for example). I worry that he's fallen out of love with me, and despite his desire to stay together to try to see things through, I don't necessarily know if everything will be better when the drinking stops. The only times he really seems to care about me are the times when I have one foot out the door, but I don't really know if that means anything. Even as he's three days into recovery, I'm not really sure what to expect from him, or how I should even interact with him. Should I keep my distance? Remain available to him if he needs me? He's been discussing his problem with me candidly over the last couple days and he's re-affirmed a few times that a lot of his recent detachment towards me has been a result of his addiction and knowing that I interfere with him getting to do what he wants to do even when he knows it's self-destructive. However, he did confess to expressing a fear to one of his friends along the lines of "what if three months into sobriety I still don't feel the same about the relationship?" I realize he has his own doubts and feelings he has to work through, but I wonder what am I putting myself through?
At the time we became friends (and for a period of time friends with benefits) he had been sober for over a year with the help of AA, but during the first year we knew each other he relapsed and began drinking regularly again. As his friend, I expressed concern about him falling off the wagon, but I didn't press the issue as I felt like his sobriety was his responsibility. When he decided to become sober again, we became closer and I gradually started to return the feelings that he had harbored for me for most of the time we had known each other, and we became a couple. Through circumstances of life, we ended up living together a few months later. In the initial stages, we were both very happy and have often talked about our desire to one day get married.
But alas... his last stint of sobriety ended shortly after we moved in together. It began with just moderate amounts of alcohol every few weeks or so when he would go out without me, but it gradually escalated as time went on, and for the last month or two he's been off the wagon pretty hard. When it all began, he initially made very strong promises to make sure the slip-ups didn't happen again, but nothing's really stuck. I haven't left him because I still cling to the version of him that I fell in love with and know that deep down he wants to change... usually.
But, he is different now, and our relationship is different. He's established a much larger network of friends in recent months, most of whom regularly invite him out - sometimes he resists the urge and decides it's best to stay home, other times he doesn't. He's become more indifferent to our relationship, and towards me. Whereas we used to spend as much time as possible together, our time together seems less valuable to him. He makes less of an effort at communicating with me. His interest in sex has decreased considerably. The harder I push to make things better, the more he pushes me away. There have been nights where he goes out when I'm not able to because I work in the mornings and he'll stay out until 4 or 5 AM; which means I basically don't fall sleep on those nights and just feel emotional and exhausted at work the following day. We've been in a continuous cycle of him over-drinking, doing or saying something stupid that hurts my feelings, me being pissed off the next day and him apologizing and promising that he's working on it, and then things will be fine for a week or two with modest efforts at making his sobriety stick, it starts over again. Although he'll sometimes make efforts to prove otherwise, when he's in that party mode mindset, there's a very pronounced attitude that I'm not a priority and he himself will tell me that while he needs to work on his drinking, I need to work on my co-dependency (something he's not wrong about; as someone who is traditionally kind of a loner/introvert, it's hard for me to be in this position of constantly worrying and being upset by another person's actions. And I am sometimes begrudging about sharing our limited time together throughout the week with other people, but I do make an effort to be okay with him seeing his friends and having his space and not be controlling).
I almost moved out of our apartment this weekend after he started drinking at an event with his softball league. I was just tired of the anxiety and feeling insecure in the relationship, and after all of the previous reassurances and false promises and tear-felt apologies, it was the first time he actually said to me that this is just who he is and I have to accept "occasional" drinking if we're going to stay together. So I left the party, texted him to let him know that I'd be staying at my cousin's house that night, he went on to drink all night and didn't even go home, and when we met at our apartment the next day after I got off work prepared for the break-up, he had a meltdown and started bawling in bed with me about how he wishes he didn't have all of these problems, he doesn't want to drink anymore, he hates himself, he doesn't deserve me, I don't deserve to be treated this way, etc, and although this was a much more intense moment than anything I've experienced with him before, it was a lot of the same promises I've heard before. In the end, he begged me not to leave and said he would do whatever he needed to to try to recover, and even though I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in this same situation with him again soon, I agreed to stay. The truth is, I just wasn't ready... financially or emotionally.
I'm sort of lost with this. I'm trying to focus on my own recovery and my own life and my own goals, I'm talking with a counselor, attending al-anon, but at the end of the day, he is my best friend and it's hard to not want to change my plans to be with him or make time for him when I can, and it's difficult for me not to think about him or worry about him, even though I know it's pointless for me to obsess over his recovery. I often feel insecure in the relationship; things were great before the drinking started getting bad and we were inseparable. I never had any doubts about his feelings for me and our future, but even though most of our current problems right now stem from his drinking and my co-dependency, I sometimes wonder how much of it is normal relationship problems that will still be present even if he does succeed at getting sober (the loss of affection towards me for example). I worry that he's fallen out of love with me, and despite his desire to stay together to try to see things through, I don't necessarily know if everything will be better when the drinking stops. The only times he really seems to care about me are the times when I have one foot out the door, but I don't really know if that means anything. Even as he's three days into recovery, I'm not really sure what to expect from him, or how I should even interact with him. Should I keep my distance? Remain available to him if he needs me? He's been discussing his problem with me candidly over the last couple days and he's re-affirmed a few times that a lot of his recent detachment towards me has been a result of his addiction and knowing that I interfere with him getting to do what he wants to do even when he knows it's self-destructive. However, he did confess to expressing a fear to one of his friends along the lines of "what if three months into sobriety I still don't feel the same about the relationship?" I realize he has his own doubts and feelings he has to work through, but I wonder what am I putting myself through?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
With all do respect if he is your best friend he sounds like a lousy one. I am a recovered alcoholic. I can tell you that right now your relationship is as good as it is going to get. Unless he really wants to get sober he won't. He says he does but his actions are not showing that. If he was serious he would stop drinking immediately, go back to AA and stop hanging out with his drinking buddies.
Your relationship with him though, sounds like it may be a separate issue. He sounds rather wishy washy about it. Do you really want to hang out in the shadows while he decides if he wants sobriety and a relationship with you?
Your relationship with him though, sounds like it may be a separate issue. He sounds rather wishy washy about it. Do you really want to hang out in the shadows while he decides if he wants sobriety and a relationship with you?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Just to be clear, he's 3 days into not drinking not recovery. You can bet the cycle is in rinse mode and will soon repeat. He treats you indifferently bc he wants to get it on with his first love - the bottle. It just "feels betty to him" to treat you like you don't matter bc he's doing things he knows hurts you and WHO would do that if they truly cared?? Do you get what I mean? The GOOD NEWS is that you fully understand your codependency and know where there are resources to get you stronger. Is it easy? Never. Is it do-able? Absolutely! You need to detach from his crazy train bc you know you deserve better. Does he even have a job? If so, it sure must get in the way of all that partying!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
He actually said to me that this is just who he is and I have to accept "occasional" drinking if we're going to stay together.
Believe him because its true. The problem in this relationship as in all alcoholic relationships is booze comes first and you come somewhere way lower on the totem pole. My guess is his appearance of lack of affection is a result of you nagging and pushing him because he is withholding affection (as most will do you aren't alone there). YOU are getting in the way of his drinking and this is the kind of behavior commonly demonstrated when one stands between an alcoholic and their alcohol.
Whether or not this time is the time is yet to be seen. Given the history I doubt it. What you can do is detach from him and start focusing on yourself and the things you want to do. Not sit at the house, or participate with him in events that give you anxiety because you know he is going to drink. Nope would not be attending anymore events with him like that.
You can also start putting back some funds so that in the future should you decide that you no longer want to live with him you can move. it may never come to that - its best to have the freedom of choice it gives you more power to make decisions.
Believe him because its true. The problem in this relationship as in all alcoholic relationships is booze comes first and you come somewhere way lower on the totem pole. My guess is his appearance of lack of affection is a result of you nagging and pushing him because he is withholding affection (as most will do you aren't alone there). YOU are getting in the way of his drinking and this is the kind of behavior commonly demonstrated when one stands between an alcoholic and their alcohol.
Whether or not this time is the time is yet to be seen. Given the history I doubt it. What you can do is detach from him and start focusing on yourself and the things you want to do. Not sit at the house, or participate with him in events that give you anxiety because you know he is going to drink. Nope would not be attending anymore events with him like that.
You can also start putting back some funds so that in the future should you decide that you no longer want to live with him you can move. it may never come to that - its best to have the freedom of choice it gives you more power to make decisions.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
Ugh. I understand all your feelings, you sound like me four years ago after I moved in with my stbxab -- moved to the other side of the country to be with him. Didn't know anyone here, no job, left a husband for this man whom I thought was my soulmate. He may be, but that's beside the point. Soon after moving in together, his drinking began to escalate. We'd discussed our problems with alcohol candidly, as I had abused it while I was unhappily married, but this would be a fresh start. It was for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't for him, and I've been on this ride now for almost five years. We have a baby. I am now, finally, ready to get off this rollercoaster. It has cost me so much--my dignity, self-esteem (low there to begin with), sense of security and free spiritedness. It has also given me an immense lesson in life, a beautiful daughter I would die/kill for and renewed sense of myself and my strength. In exactly seven days, I will be on a plane with my daughter heading home to my parents. It took a while, but I'm finally ready. You'll know when that is. I hope he does get help, but better start putting some money aside "just in case."
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 2
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I know I posted this awhile ago, thought I'd update. I've found a lot of encouraging thoughts and words through other people's stories on this forum and it's helped me greatly with understanding my alcoholic.
Me and my bf did indeed finally break up... as everyone here affirmed, it wasn't getting better and it needed to happen. I was tired of the broken promises and being lied to all the time, and eventually enough had to be enough, for my own sanity... and hopefully for his own good in the long run. A lot of it has to do with untreated mental illnesses that are tied with his drinking that he's just not getting help for (bipolar disorder being the main one). I am somewhat ashamed that I tolerated that treatment for as long as I did. I just didn't want to accept what was obvious, and that he is just no longer the same person he was a few months ago, and whether or not he does love me or not, he's not able to show it in any of his actions. I live in the past a lot and cling to the version of him that I love, and I hope for the future a lot, but I have to stop making excuses for him accept what he is in his present form, and that is not someone I need to be in contact with.
The situation hasn't been easy as we've been still been sharing the same apartment for the last few weeks, but thankfully I'm moving into a new place in the next week or two. Though contact is unavoidable right now and unfortunately I've found myself sucked back into a few of my codependent reactions to his behavior which is still mostly terrible and immature, I've been able to sleep a bit better and feel my brain returning to normal. There's been some lapses in my behavior, but when I'm in my own place again and I've cut off contact with him I know I'll be fine. It's good to be able to hang out with friends again and actually laugh and joke again.
In all of this he said he admitted that he sabotages every relationship and that none of it is my fault, and that I deserve better. I know this. For some reason in all of this I've kept asking myself whether or not he really even loves me, because I guess a part of me wants to know I'll be missed, as selfish as that sounds. I really gave him my best effort, and sometimes even I get caught up in his talks of what things could be like someday when he gets better. After all, I've experienced him in his unaltered state, and in that scenario we were very compatible and good for each other. The grief in his behavior and actions and words to his friends who've talked to me is very evident in a way that goes beyond letting go of someone you don't really care about for whatever that's worth, but I finally understand I'm not the relationship he values the most right now, and frankly, I don't trust him anymore. I suppose in a year's time it won't really matter either way.
Me and my bf did indeed finally break up... as everyone here affirmed, it wasn't getting better and it needed to happen. I was tired of the broken promises and being lied to all the time, and eventually enough had to be enough, for my own sanity... and hopefully for his own good in the long run. A lot of it has to do with untreated mental illnesses that are tied with his drinking that he's just not getting help for (bipolar disorder being the main one). I am somewhat ashamed that I tolerated that treatment for as long as I did. I just didn't want to accept what was obvious, and that he is just no longer the same person he was a few months ago, and whether or not he does love me or not, he's not able to show it in any of his actions. I live in the past a lot and cling to the version of him that I love, and I hope for the future a lot, but I have to stop making excuses for him accept what he is in his present form, and that is not someone I need to be in contact with.
The situation hasn't been easy as we've been still been sharing the same apartment for the last few weeks, but thankfully I'm moving into a new place in the next week or two. Though contact is unavoidable right now and unfortunately I've found myself sucked back into a few of my codependent reactions to his behavior which is still mostly terrible and immature, I've been able to sleep a bit better and feel my brain returning to normal. There's been some lapses in my behavior, but when I'm in my own place again and I've cut off contact with him I know I'll be fine. It's good to be able to hang out with friends again and actually laugh and joke again.
In all of this he said he admitted that he sabotages every relationship and that none of it is my fault, and that I deserve better. I know this. For some reason in all of this I've kept asking myself whether or not he really even loves me, because I guess a part of me wants to know I'll be missed, as selfish as that sounds. I really gave him my best effort, and sometimes even I get caught up in his talks of what things could be like someday when he gets better. After all, I've experienced him in his unaltered state, and in that scenario we were very compatible and good for each other. The grief in his behavior and actions and words to his friends who've talked to me is very evident in a way that goes beyond letting go of someone you don't really care about for whatever that's worth, but I finally understand I'm not the relationship he values the most right now, and frankly, I don't trust him anymore. I suppose in a year's time it won't really matter either way.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for stopping back in and letting us know how you're doing. I'm sorry you're feeling bad now, but it sounds like you've learned a few things that you can apply to your life going forward.
Although this is a painful time for you, it would have been far, far worse if the time frame had turned into years and decades, as it has for many of us. It might not feel like it, but you dodged the bullet in many ways. You've gotten a chance to learn a lot about yourself and to enter your next relationship in a much better place. I hope that happens for you.
Keep on taking care of you. I wish you strength and clarity.
Although this is a painful time for you, it would have been far, far worse if the time frame had turned into years and decades, as it has for many of us. It might not feel like it, but you dodged the bullet in many ways. You've gotten a chance to learn a lot about yourself and to enter your next relationship in a much better place. I hope that happens for you.
Keep on taking care of you. I wish you strength and clarity.
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