Struggling with guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
Struggling with guilt
Hi everyone, its my first post here. Ive been reading for a while. I never thought I would end up in this place. I recently separated from my fiancé after 7 years. Everything was wonderful apart from the last 18months or so, when he began buying valium off the internet and drinking heavily. Eventually I decided that enough was enough - you know the story already - the drinking, the lies, the empty bottles, the drink driving arrests, more lies on top of lies.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
So glad you have found us Bingocat but sorry for the reason you are here.
Keep reading keep posting and keep reaching out.
Do you go to Al Anon atall. If not I would highly recommend you give it a go.
I have been here on SR for ten years on and off, and only started attending AL Anon a few months ago. The meetings have helped me enormously...a place to go with people who really get it! And in between meetings SR keeps me sane.
Take care of yourself first and foremost and the rest will follow. Baby steps...there is no rush.
All the best to you Phiz
Keep reading keep posting and keep reaching out.
Do you go to Al Anon atall. If not I would highly recommend you give it a go.
I have been here on SR for ten years on and off, and only started attending AL Anon a few months ago. The meetings have helped me enormously...a place to go with people who really get it! And in between meetings SR keeps me sane.
Take care of yourself first and foremost and the rest will follow. Baby steps...there is no rush.
All the best to you Phiz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Ya know, I felt the same thing for my X. I had myself convinced he was this lost soul who just needed somebody to love and care for him. BS. Capital BS. They are grown men making adult decisions on how to live their lives.
Stop thinking of him as a little boy and see him for what he is. It makes it so much easier to walk away. Do you enjoy being lied to manipulated etc etc.
I do know it is hard. Been there done that. Just work on you.
Stop thinking of him as a little boy and see him for what he is. It makes it so much easier to walk away. Do you enjoy being lied to manipulated etc etc.
I do know it is hard. Been there done that. Just work on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
Thank you both. I appreciate the responses.
I haven't been to Al Anon as I work away a lot, and I don't get much time off. I have started Skype counselling though so Im hoping this can help and I can do it from wherever I am.
Sungrl thank you. Im not quite up to seeing it like that yet, but it is something to work towards. You have given me something to think about though, maybe my need to please others and make them happy is a problem here, I choose to see him that way when I shouldn't.
I haven't been to Al Anon as I work away a lot, and I don't get much time off. I have started Skype counselling though so Im hoping this can help and I can do it from wherever I am.
Sungrl thank you. Im not quite up to seeing it like that yet, but it is something to work towards. You have given me something to think about though, maybe my need to please others and make them happy is a problem here, I choose to see him that way when I shouldn't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You aren't abandoning him "when he needs you most." Nobody needs a partner or a relationship to get sober.
He NEEDS other sober alcoholics--that is, when and IF he decides he wants to be sober. I'm a sober alcoholic. It wasn't a matter of someone else convincing me to quit drinking and to get help to do it, it was my own unpleasant life circumstances that happened as a result of my drinking that convinced me. I've never heard anyone at an AA meeting share, "And thank goodness my wife/girlfriend/fiancee convinced me to stop." I HAVE heard people say, "And thank goodness my wife/girlfriend/fiancee decided to quit putting up with my ********."
He NEEDS other sober alcoholics--that is, when and IF he decides he wants to be sober. I'm a sober alcoholic. It wasn't a matter of someone else convincing me to quit drinking and to get help to do it, it was my own unpleasant life circumstances that happened as a result of my drinking that convinced me. I've never heard anyone at an AA meeting share, "And thank goodness my wife/girlfriend/fiancee convinced me to stop." I HAVE heard people say, "And thank goodness my wife/girlfriend/fiancee decided to quit putting up with my ********."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Bingocat 
Hi everyone, its my first post here. Ive been reading for a while. I never thought I would end up in this place. I recently separated from my fiancé after 7 years. Everything was wonderful apart from the last 18months or so, when he began buying valium off the internet and drinking heavily. Eventually I decided that enough was enough - you know the story already - the drinking, the lies, the empty bottles, the drink driving arrests, more lies on top of lies.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Sure he has some good bits, and I think sometimes we project a lot of good on to them too.
Take good care of you.
If the relationship is meant to be time will tell, and I heard recently that we have to love them enough to allow them to find their own way. Otherwise you are only creating a dependent man child.
I know for me that is not what I desire in a husband anyway,
Sending hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I've had those same feelings. For a long time, I stuck around almost out of pity (he'll die if I leave!). Please don't fall for it. I married the guy anyway and here I am in a deep pile of poop. i have close friends with good (not perfect but good) marriages. Jealous of that normalcy.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
By feeling guilty you are disempowering yourself.
He'll be able to manipulate you all that much easier.
This is no "Little Boy" it's a grown man making choices.
He'll be able to manipulate you all that much easier.
This is no "Little Boy" it's a grown man making choices.
Originally Posted by Bingocat
Hi everyone, its my first post here. Ive been reading for a while. I never thought I would end up in this place. I recently separated from my fiancé after 7 years. Everything was wonderful apart from the last 18months or so, when he began buying valium off the internet and drinking heavily. Eventually I decided that enough was enough - you know the story already - the drinking, the lies, the empty bottles, the drink driving arrests, more lies on top of lies.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most. He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone. I want to contact him, to help, to try one more time to persuade him to stop but I know its pointless. I just get more lies and a heavy disappointment when Im not enough reason for him to quit.
I guess Im reaching out to you guys for some advice, some encouragement that I should leave him to fix himself and work on me. I know thats the right thing to do, but I can't stop feeling sad for him and guilty that I left. I wish with all my heart that he could have his life back - his career, his family. All the things he has thrown away to drink.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Welcome welcome! My exA keeps reaching out (blocking is still hard for me but it certainly would be best.) Today he was demanding that we see each other because "missing me makes heroin withdrawal look like a headache." Through alanon, thank GOD I have learned to love myself again, even if its a tiny bit.
Bingocat, active A's are dependent children. Their brains need superficial BS to stay artificially happy- drinking to excess, clinging onto ppl to fix them and change them, binge dating, sleeping around, calling/texting when drunk or lonely..the list goes on and on.
They do not need us. They need us to stop putting up with their same games over and over again. I pray that you too will find yourself to become angry, become fed up- that day WILL come, and it will motivate you to stop hanging around.
HUGS.
Bingocat, active A's are dependent children. Their brains need superficial BS to stay artificially happy- drinking to excess, clinging onto ppl to fix them and change them, binge dating, sleeping around, calling/texting when drunk or lonely..the list goes on and on.
They do not need us. They need us to stop putting up with their same games over and over again. I pray that you too will find yourself to become angry, become fed up- that day WILL come, and it will motivate you to stop hanging around.
HUGS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
thank you everyone, what a kind welcome.
Just to clarify, we are not getting back together, and I don't want to get back together. I would not be able to trust him again ever. He doesn't reach out to me, we have to contact occasionally as we own a house that I live in together.
He has been seeking help, he goes to therapy. I do believe he does want to stop drinking and taking drugs. No one would want to have lost what he has lost, put his family through so much. He just can't seem to stop.
Reddog - I have been angry, I think that phase has passed now. Im just sad for what I lost, its like the person I knew went away and isn't coming back anytime soon. This mess isn't the person i was going to marry. There won't be any reconciliation but I find it hard to completely abandon someone who i once was going to share the rest of my life with.
I know I need to do it. But its hard to move on from.
Thanks for listening.
Just to clarify, we are not getting back together, and I don't want to get back together. I would not be able to trust him again ever. He doesn't reach out to me, we have to contact occasionally as we own a house that I live in together.
He has been seeking help, he goes to therapy. I do believe he does want to stop drinking and taking drugs. No one would want to have lost what he has lost, put his family through so much. He just can't seem to stop.
Reddog - I have been angry, I think that phase has passed now. Im just sad for what I lost, its like the person I knew went away and isn't coming back anytime soon. This mess isn't the person i was going to marry. There won't be any reconciliation but I find it hard to completely abandon someone who i once was going to share the rest of my life with.
I know I need to do it. But its hard to move on from.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome!
There is not a single soul on this board who has not wished and tried to love the addiction out of a person. And it has never worked.
As Lexie said, he needs the help of others who have went down this road and recovered. Sometimes people need to stand up and confront addiction head on. They have to do it themselves, for themselves, for it to stick at all. If you continue to see him as this weak poor little boy, that is all he will ever be. He has to be given the opportunity to choose recovery for himself, or not to.
Hugs to you. Keep coming to SR, there is great support here. Also glad to hear you are doing counseling, that will be of great support too!
XXX
There is not a single soul on this board who has not wished and tried to love the addiction out of a person. And it has never worked.
As Lexie said, he needs the help of others who have went down this road and recovered. Sometimes people need to stand up and confront addiction head on. They have to do it themselves, for themselves, for it to stick at all. If you continue to see him as this weak poor little boy, that is all he will ever be. He has to be given the opportunity to choose recovery for himself, or not to.
Hugs to you. Keep coming to SR, there is great support here. Also glad to hear you are doing counseling, that will be of great support too!
XXX
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Bingo, you know it's against the law to have a relationship with a little boy right? oh wait...he an adult.
As much as you love him, and I do understand, you seem healthy and rational enough not to go down with the ship.
Although it seems hopeless, people do recover, albeit it can take a very long time. I have >3 years sober myself but only started getting serious after years of knowing I should.
As much as you love him, and I do understand, you seem healthy and rational enough not to go down with the ship.
Although it seems hopeless, people do recover, albeit it can take a very long time. I have >3 years sober myself but only started getting serious after years of knowing I should.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Bingocat
Im struggling so much with guilt - for leaving him when he needs me most.
Originally Posted by Bingocat
He isn't violent or nasty, he is just a scared little boy at heart who just can't seem to stop abusing drugs and alcohol and it kills me to think of him sad and alone.
Many of us have been exactly where you are today and projecting our own feelings onto them as if they were theirs. And this whole train of thought does you no good at all. For you know he's releaved that you are gone and not in the way of his addiction. Maybe he's feeling happy that now he can get high whenever he feels like it and not have to account to anybody.
See when our thoughts go to the feeling sad and sorry for them we should also give though to their releif, happiness and contentment doing what it is they crave to do.
The encouragement to offer you is to allow yourself to fully process the ending of this relationship and focus on yourself not him.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Hi and ((( hugs)))
Listen to the wise words you will find here. They have been a life saver to me in many ways. No one is enough to make them stop. If they won't stop for themselves, they certainly won't stop for a gf. The hardest lesson, especially after so many years is not to take it personally.
Listen to the wise words you will find here. They have been a life saver to me in many ways. No one is enough to make them stop. If they won't stop for themselves, they certainly won't stop for a gf. The hardest lesson, especially after so many years is not to take it personally.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 5
I am listening. I promise. I will get there, I will leave all this behind and become a better person because of it.
This is what I need to read over and over today.
"There is not a single soul on this board who has not wished and tried to love the addiction out of a person. And it has never worked."
This is what I need to read over and over today.
"There is not a single soul on this board who has not wished and tried to love the addiction out of a person. And it has never worked."
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by atalose
We get into very dangerious waters when we assume THEY have feeling like WE do. YOU are scared for him. YOU are feeling sad that he is alone. You have no idea how he feels right now today only assumptions based on your own feelings.
Many of us have been exactly where you are today and projecting our own feelings onto them as if they were theirs. And this whole train of thought does you no good at all. For you know he's releaved that you are gone and not in the way of his addiction. Maybe he's feeling happy that now he can get high whenever he feels like it and not have to account to anybody.
See when our thoughts go to the feeling sad and sorry for them we should also give though to their releif, happiness and contentment doing what it is they crave to do.
This helps.
What a great reframe.
This REALLY helps me.
Of course he is probably feeling relieved so he can go ahead and use unhindered now. That's what he wants right now!
It's so true I get into hot water when I assume he is sad/lonely etc. It produces guilt and makes me all Codie and want to rescue which is like pouring spirits on a fire! (excuse the pun).
The truth is we can never know how someone else feels.
Those feelings of sadness, loneliness etc, and what I feel, or what I would feel in that position.
They are probably not at all what he feels.
And anyway that is his business.
Thank you Atalose.
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