Butterfly

I've really struggled with accepting that my stbxah would rather drink than be with his family, that he could walk away and ignore me and treat me as if I never mattered, hardly see his kids only when it suits him, just treat us all so badly!!!

I think there is more to it than just wanting to drink unrestricted, I think it's also about him not wanting any responsibilities, wanting to live a single life without having to have the responsibility of a wife and kids.

He said that when I asked him to leave that time he never got over it and never felt secure but I think that he also enjoyed getting back in contact with his old friends from many years ago and enjoyed being around people like that. I've said before they were not good people, he enjoyed the partying, acting like he was a big man due to being friends with these people, his personality slowly began to change back to when I first met him. It took him over a year before he decided he would stop drinking with them and not because they made me anxious that he would go back to his old way of life and he wasn't a nice person. A year later he left. I think he did feel controlled by me, he told his sister that he left as he wasn't allowed to see his friends, I admit I was controlling or tried to be as I am well aware that he never listened to me or how I felt if it interfered with what he wanted. It was his drinking I was trying to control.

Anyway sorry for the ramble but I think what I am trying to say is that he wants his freedom and doesn't want the responsibility of a family or kids and he wants to do what he wants, when he wants and drink without guilt!! That's why he has walked away amd why he ignores me because he doesn't want to face or deal with the guilt of what he's done and if he ignores us and has limited contact with the kids he can pretend that this is what has to happen so I will move on as if he's doing it for me and not because he's selfish and doing this as he wants to!!!!

One thing I do know is that for me to get closure and move forward I need this divorce to go through!!

I know this maybe doesn't make sense I'm not sure if what I'm saying is right or if I am way off.

CodeJob

Hello Butterfly,

You could whirl your brain the rest of your life on this conundrum and never piece it together.

Each time you start this whirring engine of yours on the topic of why he does what he does, switch the energy over to you. Whether it is reading a book, journaling, going for a walk, talking to a friend, praying, meditating, exercising, any brain-fired activity that benefits you. I think being focused on YOU might have near-immediate downstream effects in your mood and daily experience.

It takes practice. I think you can do it. Yep. 110% believe in you.

honeypig

CodeJob is right. Trying to figure out why, why, why will only expend energy you could use for much better purposes. It's really sufficient to know that he drinks b/c he is an A.

The bakers at work the other day had some country music station on early in the AM. I wasn't paying much attention, hard to hear it over the roar of the oven anyway, but a few lines about how "the sight of my wife w/our baby in her arms is the only thing that had the power to distract me from the 3 years of whiskey" struck me as SUCH UTTER BULLSH*T! I wanted to hurl the radio to the ground...crap like that is what makes us stay far too long.

So no, his choices are not in the least little bit about YOU. They are all about him, pretty much like everything else in his world is, too.

Take care of you and yours. You're going to be fine, much better than you imagine. Really.

LexieCat

I think the only thing that is a little off-track may be that you are still trying to figure it out. I think acceptance will require you to also accept you probably will never know for sure. HE probably doesn't know for sure--I know I don't understand all the reasons I've done the things that I've done, and I'm not even drinking anymore.

When you can let go of your need to understand it, then you will really be free.

Kboys

Ditto what the above posters said, but I know it's hard. I struggle with the "why" questions too.
Sending you peace and clarity and HUGS!

"The bakers at work the other day had some country music station on early in the AM. I wasn't paying much attention, hard to hear it over the roar of the oven anyway, but a few lines about how "the sight of my wife w/our baby in her arms is the only thing that had the power to distract me from the 3 years of whiskey" struck me as SUCH UTTER BULLSH*T! I wanted to hurl the radio to the ground...crap like that is what makes us stay far too long"

OMG, I know what song you're talking about.... AHHH
I can't listen to any country music anymore. At least every other song talks about drinking and partying. Makes me so angry!

Duckygirl1

I got to the point where I just didn't care why he did anything. Why ditch the girl who stood by you rich or poor, happy or down for people who disappeared as soon as he stopped drinking and doing drugs for a whole 3 weeks? They're just not right in the head using. Neither do judges care about the why when it comes to paying child support or alimony and they have little tolerance for any sob story.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly that sounded like a healthy post to me. Sure, you should try to stop figuring out WHY, but you're starting to make it a lot less personal. Also realising that divorce will free you.
Our hearts take so many blows over time, and we think it's going to finish us, but we keep on getting stronger and more resilient. Pity it hurts so much.

hopeful4

It's a process Butterfly, and that is OK. Vent away, that is what we are here for my friend! XXX

Butterfly

Thanks everyone, I know I'm still trying to figure out why and I know I will never know and he may not know as he is being driven by his addiction and desire to have no responsibilities.

I've had a very rough few weeks my depression and OCD have been particularly bad blaming myself for everything, isolating myself!! I went out for the first time, with the exception of work, on Tuesday night.

What I am beginning to accept at this time is that this isn't my fault, I did everything I could to support him, I stood by him when no one else would to the detriment of my own mental health, confidence and self esteem. While he blocks everything out I'm dealing with the hurt and rejection, but I am dealing with it and trying hard to go through it.

I'm still waiting on a new counsellor being appointed, I did see my dr on Tuesday and we had a good long chat. He asked me if I had a choice would I want to go through this now or in 2 yrs, 5 yrs because being with an alcoholic I would go through it at some point. This stuck with me and yes I would rather be going through it now than in the future.

If I'm honest I think my letter to him was a last ditched attempt that he would come home and after his last text conversation when he tried to manipulate me into not divorcing via solicitors I realised it was over and I think that he was using my love for him and my letter to try and manipulate me again into doing what he wanted as he was always able to do. In one way he did manipulate me as he went and bought DS a car and now I'm left to pay for the insurance. I'm trying though to look on the positive side of this in that when DS passes his test he will be able to make his own way to school and stbxah won't be coming to my house in the morning, which may help me to stop thinking about him!!!!

I'm proud of myself that I didn't give into him and I stood my ground and I want this divorce now, I need this divorce.

Sungrl

You do not need to be stuck paying for the insurance.

He bought your son the car, the two of them should work out the details

Your son can get a part time job to help cover insurance , gas and routine maintenance.

Just a thought

Butterfly

Stbxah can't afford to pay the insurance as he took out a loan apparently to buy the car!!!!!

DS can't get a job between his studies and sports for his school he doesn't have time. He's doing his A levels and the work load is crazy as is his training schedule for sport. The school is very full on. He is applying for summer work to pay for petrol etc although it's hard as no one hires without experience and you can't get experience without working!!!!

freetosmile

Butterfly

My x was exactly like that. He was never a real family man. He was constantly coming up with excuses on why it was MY fault he " couldn't" live up to responsibility. I always felt like I want exciting enough, maybe I wasn't sexy enough, maybe I was too "homie", or whatever.
But guess what?
We live in the REAL world! They do NOT. They live in THEIR world. We live our lives understanding the impact our decisions make in the lives of others and our OWN future. Don't for ONE SECOND think that what they do is "ok" to the rest of the world. It isn't.... And you know it.
Yep it pisses me off that they feel like they can do this kind of thing.... But we can't control it. You're never going to get him to see it your way.
By the way, my x died at a very early age due to an incident involving his addiction.... So that's the future these kinds of people have.

Hugs girlie!!!

BwanaWill

Hi, I found this book very useful in understand why they do what they do - If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What You Really Need to Know When Your Loved One Drinks Too Much Paperback – January 1, 2009
by Lisa Frederiksen

Quick read in plain english and really lead me to understanding, acceptance and help me to help myself. Hope it helps

Butterfly

Thank you free I'm sorry to hear about your ex ((((hugs))))

Beans, thank you I will have a look for the book.