Shame on me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Mexico
Posts: 3
Shame on me
I live with a highly-functional alcoholic father. He runs a big international chemical company and he is overall a smart, successful and calm man.
I guess that is why it took me so long to realize that he had a problem with alcohol. I also can commend my mother for keeping us in the dark.
When he wouldn't come home from a night of drinking we'd wake up and she'd say he'd woken up early and gone to play tennis (in her defense he does that sometimes).
The first time I realized he was sick I was 24 years old. I guess on some level I always knew he could not hold his drinks very well, and I guess burshing off the issue was my own form of defense mechanism.
Heīs never been physically violent, and not really verbally violent. He does get defensive the (very few) times I have confronted him and he is good at making promises that he will seek help.
This sunday he didnīt come home until 3:00 PM. I was genuinly worried. His location on "Find my Friends" was in a shady party of town and his last seen on Whatsapp was saturday at 7:34 PM.
Iīm getting married this october and I have no idea what my mom will do once I leave. I canīt bear the idea of her being lonely and Iīm sure my future husband would agree is she moved in to our new house but, I also canīt bear the idea of my father being lonely, sick and depressed.
I have no idea what to do. I sent him en e-mail this morning completely cutting ties with him, I guess in a desperate attempt for him to get help.
Any advice? Itīs killing me.
I guess that is why it took me so long to realize that he had a problem with alcohol. I also can commend my mother for keeping us in the dark.
When he wouldn't come home from a night of drinking we'd wake up and she'd say he'd woken up early and gone to play tennis (in her defense he does that sometimes).
The first time I realized he was sick I was 24 years old. I guess on some level I always knew he could not hold his drinks very well, and I guess burshing off the issue was my own form of defense mechanism.
Heīs never been physically violent, and not really verbally violent. He does get defensive the (very few) times I have confronted him and he is good at making promises that he will seek help.
This sunday he didnīt come home until 3:00 PM. I was genuinly worried. His location on "Find my Friends" was in a shady party of town and his last seen on Whatsapp was saturday at 7:34 PM.
Iīm getting married this october and I have no idea what my mom will do once I leave. I canīt bear the idea of her being lonely and Iīm sure my future husband would agree is she moved in to our new house but, I also canīt bear the idea of my father being lonely, sick and depressed.
I have no idea what to do. I sent him en e-mail this morning completely cutting ties with him, I guess in a desperate attempt for him to get help.
Any advice? Itīs killing me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
No shame on you. You didn't know. A lot of children dont. But now that you know it still isn't any of your business. Your parents are adults and have their own relationship. You may not like how the relationship works but it is their business not yours. Asking your mom to move in with you would only drive a wedge between everyone. Don't do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Aww hon - I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I can tell you from my own personal experience that you will not shame him into getting help.
He will need to get help this on his own.
He won't get help until he is ready.
My suggestion for you would be to gather up your strength and find a solid support system, Alanon or therapy.
Now is the time to focus on your recovery.
Keep coming back, keep posting.
((hugs))
I can tell you from my own personal experience that you will not shame him into getting help.
He will need to get help this on his own.
He won't get help until he is ready.
My suggestion for you would be to gather up your strength and find a solid support system, Alanon or therapy.
Now is the time to focus on your recovery.
Keep coming back, keep posting.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Mexico
Posts: 3
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your advice. It means the world to me. It is very hard to keep lying to everyone around us in order to protect him. Your kind words have gotten me through today.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You aren't responsible for your mom, and her choices. Or your dad's, for that matter. Your mom may, at this point, feel life with your dad is better than being alone. Her choice, not yours. And, incidentally, not everyone who is alone is lonely. I'm very happy living alone--I've been married twice, and I'm much happier in my own space.
I'm assuming you meant your dad didn't get home till 3am. He's an adult, and what he does is his business.
You haven't written anything about how his behavior has affected YOU. If it isn't affecting you negatively, I'm not sure why you are cutting off contact with him. You said it was to try to force him to "get help." Those tactics don't work, and if he's a good man (which your post suggests he is), then it seems unnecessarily cruel. Remaining in contact with him doesn't mean you endorse his drinking. You aren't enabling him by simply maintaining a familial relationship with him.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It might be very helpful for you--and for your mom, if she has any interest in going.
I'm assuming you meant your dad didn't get home till 3am. He's an adult, and what he does is his business.
You haven't written anything about how his behavior has affected YOU. If it isn't affecting you negatively, I'm not sure why you are cutting off contact with him. You said it was to try to force him to "get help." Those tactics don't work, and if he's a good man (which your post suggests he is), then it seems unnecessarily cruel. Remaining in contact with him doesn't mean you endorse his drinking. You aren't enabling him by simply maintaining a familial relationship with him.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It might be very helpful for you--and for your mom, if she has any interest in going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Mexico
Posts: 3
My dad is a good person, but a very damaged one. And I know I can not force him to get help, I guess that was a desperate attempt for him to realise what he was loosing.
My dad went out on saturday april 25 at lunch time and showed up sunday april 26 at 3:00 PM...I donīt know about you but for me it was horrible. Running scenarios in my head of what couldīve happened to him and seeing his phone turn up in one of the shadiest parts of town makes you think the worst.
His behavior is affecting my family, and me of course. I am constantly angy, sad and hiding his addiction from our extended family and friends is killing us.
The thing with alcohol is that it is so socially accepted that it is very hard for people to notice when something is going on.
I've attented Al Anon meetings but I think combining them with a therapist will do some good in me.
My dad went out on saturday april 25 at lunch time and showed up sunday april 26 at 3:00 PM...I donīt know about you but for me it was horrible. Running scenarios in my head of what couldīve happened to him and seeing his phone turn up in one of the shadiest parts of town makes you think the worst.
His behavior is affecting my family, and me of course. I am constantly angy, sad and hiding his addiction from our extended family and friends is killing us.
The thing with alcohol is that it is so socially accepted that it is very hard for people to notice when something is going on.
I've attented Al Anon meetings but I think combining them with a therapist will do some good in me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, I see--I didn't know you meant 3 pm the next day. I just assumed it was a typo and you meant 3 am.
One thing you can do is stop hiding and covering up for him. You don't have to announce to the world that he's an alcoholic, but you don't have to run around hiding it, either. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy.
I'm sorry you're so worried about him. I hope you'll start back with Al-Anon and see if you can encourage your mom to try it, too. It might be a big relief to her to be around other people who understand what she's dealing with. Of course, if she refuses, that's her right, but it might be easier for he to go with you than to walk in by herself.
One thing you can do is stop hiding and covering up for him. You don't have to announce to the world that he's an alcoholic, but you don't have to run around hiding it, either. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy.
I'm sorry you're so worried about him. I hope you'll start back with Al-Anon and see if you can encourage your mom to try it, too. It might be a big relief to her to be around other people who understand what she's dealing with. Of course, if she refuses, that's her right, but it might be easier for he to go with you than to walk in by herself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
So happy you found this place! You will learn much from all the nice folks 
. Prayers for you and your mom. A book that really helped me understand some of the dynamics of what was happening was Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.
. Prayers for you and your mom. A book that really helped me understand some of the dynamics of what was happening was Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.
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