It will never get better will it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
It will never get better will it?
Hello all.... I'm tired, worn out, confused, sad, neglectful, neglected, losing strength, scared, lonely and everything else. 11 yrs .... Long story short. Been with my boyfriend he had issues in beginning.... Alot of Hardship...finally gets things straight for first time in over 20 yrs. Best time in our relationship was when he was on probation and clean... Says he's going to live a new life was attending aa..... From December off of probation of a year Not even a week later until now there has been drinking and driving, drug abuse, depression and yelling. NO PHYSICAL Abuse, alot of name calling and degradation from him. I'm angry yet I'm terrified and lost. I have been neglecting my animals, staying away from family and just realizing I don't think it's going to get better and I'm numb, confused and I don't even know what to say or do or think.... I'm ready to break and give up (no not suicide) just all my happiness is gone. When he was clean he was the man of my dreams. No relations in 3yrs...he says this is who he is and he should leave and I know he's playing the violin card and I agree but I don't.... I'm lost... No one will help on other sites. FYI I have done my share in bad things but I don't even drink anymore. I am different in a good way.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Aqualove, I'm sorry to hear you're in so much turmoil, but on the positive side, although you're feeling horrible you can use it as the incentive to get yourself out of an abusive relationship. This will be hard and painful, but once you're away, and get some perspective, the payoff will be very fast.
Your ABF has done you the favour of telling you who he is, and I notice he says he should leave but doesn't actually do anything. I'm guessing he's in a comfortable living situation, so why should he leave? What's his incentive?
Honey, your only way is out. Why not start looking after the pets as your first step, and contact your family again. I'm sure they will be only too happy to help you, once they know you're leaving him.
Have you considered going to Al-anon meetings? You will get plenty of face to face support there, as well as here on SR.
PS: If you do decide to break with ABF, and need some time to make arrangements, keep it from him, as this can be a dangerous time.
Your ABF has done you the favour of telling you who he is, and I notice he says he should leave but doesn't actually do anything. I'm guessing he's in a comfortable living situation, so why should he leave? What's his incentive?
Honey, your only way is out. Why not start looking after the pets as your first step, and contact your family again. I'm sure they will be only too happy to help you, once they know you're leaving him.
Have you considered going to Al-anon meetings? You will get plenty of face to face support there, as well as here on SR.
PS: If you do decide to break with ABF, and need some time to make arrangements, keep it from him, as this can be a dangerous time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you for input....
So here is the problem.... When I say to you my animals are my life... I mean that. I manage a pet store, rehab wildlife, rescue animals, volunteer on a farm when possible, I own to rescue pitbulls, over 20 birds, 2 snakes, rabbit and a raccoon. For me to move will be extremely hard as it would be so easy for him to leave. His father lives with us who is the abusive one to me. He is an alcoholic and has many health issues but will not seek help. To my boyfriend he thinks it's fine because I can handle myself as he grew up that way. My home is large. I have a second job through my landlord which is also my boyfriends boss of whom payed over 15,000.00 to get him to be a "productive citizen of society". Right now as I'm writing he is next to me yelling at how he feels horrible while my babies (pitbulls) are cowering in my lap. I have put up a wall. Tomorrow morning he will text me how he is sorry and he's going to change and blah blah.... I don't think I can afford a place on my own with my pets but I could manage to stay here. I WILL NOT LEAVE MY DOGS.... PERIOD! problem is alot of cities will not take pitbulls either. The more he knows I'm thinking of leaving him the angrier he gets. Thank you for letting me vent... It means alot.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Aqua, welcome to SR. I understand about not leaving your dogs. For right now, keep yourself safe and just try to spend some time reading around on the forum. Also see if you can get to Alanon for some face-to-face support. The situation sounds bad, but you don't have to do anything right this second; do what you can to get yourself a little peace and find out what your options actually are.
I'm a little unclear on the living arrangement--it seems you're living with BF and his father? And both are alcoholics? Are you renting a place, or if it is owned, who owns it? There are folks here who can help you get pointed in the right direction, but I'm thinking we may need more info.
The important thing is this: There WILL be a solution, and you WILL be happy and free (along w/your animals) again. Look for help for yourself, at Alanon, here at SR, and using whatever legal resources you may need. Keep coming back here. There IS help, and there IS an answer.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I'm a little unclear on the living arrangement--it seems you're living with BF and his father? And both are alcoholics? Are you renting a place, or if it is owned, who owns it? There are folks here who can help you get pointed in the right direction, but I'm thinking we may need more info.
The important thing is this: There WILL be a solution, and you WILL be happy and free (along w/your animals) again. Look for help for yourself, at Alanon, here at SR, and using whatever legal resources you may need. Keep coming back here. There IS help, and there IS an answer.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Aqua, if I understand correctly it is you who has the lease? You could tell your BF and FIL to leave and maybe get in roommates who share your love of animals and would pay you board.
You can't live with yelling and abuse forever, and you may have to harden your heart and start planning.
You can't live with yelling and abuse forever, and you may have to harden your heart and start planning.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Abuse from 2 sick horrible men, only good while on probation, neglect etc. etc. has been ripping you to shreds for 11 years. It will get better when YOU MAKE IT BETTER!
Sometimes I think that people use their animals and attach to them to ignore the bigger issues in the same Codie way we get attached to people and use them as an excuse not to take action. Granted with your amount, it's not easy. But the fact of the matter is that there are many worthy animal rescue people that could take care of them until you get healthy. I used to rescue Shellties. I Love those little guys. This stress is not good for them either. Living with this level of abuse that has left you "angry, terrified and lost" and you stay because you won't leave your dogs? You have not hit your bottom yet. Let's someone care for the majority of your animals for a bit. You can get them back later. You have to take care of yourself or there will be another 11 years down the drain.
Sometimes I think that people use their animals and attach to them to ignore the bigger issues in the same Codie way we get attached to people and use them as an excuse not to take action. Granted with your amount, it's not easy. But the fact of the matter is that there are many worthy animal rescue people that could take care of them until you get healthy. I used to rescue Shellties. I Love those little guys. This stress is not good for them either. Living with this level of abuse that has left you "angry, terrified and lost" and you stay because you won't leave your dogs? You have not hit your bottom yet. Let's someone care for the majority of your animals for a bit. You can get them back later. You have to take care of yourself or there will be another 11 years down the drain.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, isolation is self abuse. Don't do it. You have no obligation to cover for his bad behavior. When I started being truthful about my XAH and seeking support for myself, it set me free in many ways. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
This is who he is. I went through the exact same thing. Probation kept my X clean for a while, but ultimately, he is a substance abuser. That was something I had to accept, or not. You must look at your life and decide if this is what you want from it.
Many hugs to you. We are here for you, you are not alone!
This is who he is. I went through the exact same thing. Probation kept my X clean for a while, but ultimately, he is a substance abuser. That was something I had to accept, or not. You must look at your life and decide if this is what you want from it.
Many hugs to you. We are here for you, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I'm so sorry for the position you find yourself in! Is there any way to take baby steps toward removing yourself? Can you start to rehome animals (other than your pitbulls, I can't imagine parting with my dog babies!)? Then eventually find a place for yourself and your dog babies? It breaks my heart to hear the position you're in!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
I feel for you. I know how hard it can be to leave a relationship that you have put so much into. I know it seems like maybe things will change, and things will get better, but haven't you tried long enough? You sound miserable, and nobody deserves that. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, and the mental abuse that you are enduring is just as bad. I stayed out of hope, and fear that I could not make it without him. I thought that I would be miserable if I left. But years later, and I do not think about him other than to think, "Wow I let him control, beat, and degrade me for years." I think of the years I lost, and wish I had saw the light sooner. Now I see leaving was the best and only decision that made sense. You need to leave in my opinion, and if he really loves and wants you back he will change and prove that to you. Do not let him hold you hostage with guilt. You are worth more than that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 3
WOW THANK YOU everyone... I can see how this will help me. I truly appreciate all of your input. I'm at work now on break he calls and I know he is messed up at work so I came in here and just reading these comments made me feel a little better. Back to work....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Aqua, I skipped down after only a couple of posts, so forgive me if this was already addressed, but depending on what state you are in, a domestic violence protective order is able to cover both victims and their pets.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Aurora is right--call your local domestic violence shelter and speak with an advocate. They can help you figure out whether you could obtain a protective order (the majority of states allow you to get one based upon "harassment"). With a protective order HE would have to leave. Even if you don't qualify for an order, they can still provide you with assistance--safety planning, counseling, etc.
The abuse is a separate issue from the alcoholism. The anger you see when he's afraid you're thinking about leaving is a reaction to his loss of control over you.
Please make the call--they won't make you do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can provide a lot of support and information.
The abuse is a separate issue from the alcoholism. The anger you see when he's afraid you're thinking about leaving is a reaction to his loss of control over you.
Please make the call--they won't make you do anything you aren't ready to do, but they can provide a lot of support and information.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Do not have as many animals as you do, but I do have my pup, so I can partially know how it feels. However, if something bad happens (and my AH was using the dog for emotional blackmail saying that he cannot go with me), a temporary shelter placement is not such a bad idea. Not at all. Still better than keeping poor animals in the middle. They can sense stuff. Once you get better, and get out of that situation, you can get them back.
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