Pipoi's Post-Divorce Latest Misadventure
 

Well, haven't been around these parts since my divorce was finalized. Sometimes you just want to move on. But life is still...well, life. At least I am fully engaged in mine, even if it refuses to bend entirely to my will :-)

I starting seeing someone just as the divorce came through. On paper, he was great. From a highly respected family, and a place where people are known to be honest and sincere. (this is Europe...where you come from has a lot of meaning here) He's a surgeon and chief doctor of his hospital, separated, no children but claimed he always wanted a large family...Introduced me to his friends, took me to the very best restaurants, 5-star hotels, told me he loved me...blah blah blah.

I held back because you just never know, and this site plus my dealings with xah sure taught me to keep my eyes wide open...

And sure enough, one weekend at a fancy hotel with the most gorgeous weather and skiing and music...my friend wants to go to clubs all night. I am turning into a tired pumpkin but he starts pressuring me to drink and dance and he's going to the men's room frequently and returning sniffing through his nose too much...

Same thing next night, only worse. This guy is getting totally strung out, aggressive, paranoid. leaving to the rest room and coming back wired. I want to go home. He leaves me at a bar at 2 am and guess what - guys start hitting on me. I am too old for this sh*t! He comes back, sees me talking to someone, and storms out in a rage.

Finally, I head out to the hotel, peacefully, but also fed up. He pursues me and the next thing I know, he punches me!!!!! In the chest!!! This is a surgeon.

Later, I read up on surgeons and drug abuse and guess who invented cocaine and were the first coke addicts?

Anyway, I find my way to the police station and they take me back to the hotel. He's thrown all of my belongings in the hall and the police interview him. He gives them some crap story in their native language, blah blah, and they then take me at 4am to get examined by a doctor, who reports red marks. My chest hurts but I am tough and I am fine. I just dont want Herr Surgeon to do this to his next date.

The police drive me 1 hour to get me on the direct train to my car ( I am in a very remote mountain resort) and I get in my own bed by 9 am.

Mr Surgeon later contacts me all week and I try to learn and get some mutual understanding/healing from this stupid situation. Something I was unable to do with xah, but maybe with all my experience, I could do better this time... But the guy, like my xah, cant look at himself honestly. He denies punching me completely. He wants to rent me and the children a fancy chalet for the year. He diverts the conversation and tries to put the focus on what I need to give up in my life to improve our relationship.

Finally, after a week of this nonsense, I see I am never going to get through. This is another addict protecting his addiction. Way richer, with a famous father and highly respected family, at least as brilliant as xah...but in the end...just another selfish, fragile, half-broken addict.

I should get a degree from all this.

I have some garbage to sift through and maybe I lost some time...but it was piles of fun for a while there...I learned tons about surgery and hospitals, got great ski instruction, all new ski clothes, improved my language skills, dined awfully well...Not what I was looking for, mind you, but it is what life brought me this time.

And I am more ready to redouble my efforts to living a more wholesome, grounded, modest existence with my children. I see that men with a certain edge and drive attract me, but these men are trouble. It isnt the money that appeals to me, it is the energy and intelligence that lead them to have successful careers. And be jerks, apparently.

I kept my children out of this because I just wasn't ever ready to let down my guard. I must have had some inner sense that something was up. I kept them with friends when I went out. The children, by the way, are doing great.

No regrets. But lots of learning. Addicts are everywhere.

I still need adventure in my life. But I am going to find it in through other means.

I am sharing this because I was stupid and believed that 1) career and background would make addiction less likely; 2) I could enjoy the moment without getting attached/hurt by someone; 3) I could get through to another addict because of all that I'd learned here/from Al-Anon/life.

Nope. Not even!

That sounds terrifying. I am glad you made it out without something more serious happening to you.

While you negate wealth as being a motivating factor it seems to be the common denominator amongst all the men you have been involved with from XAH to the men you have dated while divorcing. You umbrella it under seeking intelligence in a mate, however; not all wealthy men are intelligent nor are all non-wealthy men stupid. I can assure you there are plenty of intelligent men out there that are adventurous with Mensa IQ that will keep you entertained. They just won't be able to take you on luxury ski trips and offer rental of ski chalets for a month.

I think you know the problem here is you. You are attracted to an alcoholic/addict personality - the impulsivity and charisma. The money seals the deal.

I am sharing this because I was stupid and believed that 1) career and background would make addiction less likely; 2) I could enjoy the moment without getting attached/hurt by someone; 3) I could get through to another addict because of all that I'd learned here/from Al-Anon/life.

That ^^^ tells me you haven't focused on your co-dependency issues at all. I highly recommend you start working on them lest you end up married or deeply involved with XAH redux.

Wow Pippi!!!! What a jerk! You've learned so much, thanks for sharing your experience!

Well, I have been interested in a few friends that have normal incomes, but none of them would ask me out. :/ I think I am giving off some vibe unintentionally that is also attracting a certain personality to me.

Thank you for your thoughts...if you have anything more to help me understand how my reaction to Herr Surgeon is indicative of co dependent issues...

I am glad that I at least got out of that one as quick as I did. Though looking back, there were a few red flags that I noted and didn't react to right away. I hate drama. After xah and all his monkey business, I want a break from human conflict!

How about focusing on you and your kids and your own career for the next year and take a "fast" from dating?

I'm glad you are OK

Thank you, Hawkeye. You've always been a dear.

Something good has happened from all this, because I am for the first time, honestly, excited and positive about career re-building. I am finding my voice and finding my way, even if I did just take a bit of a tumble there.

Since eradicating the surgeon from my life, I've been spring cleaning. Starting with getting rid of all the expired medications in the cabinets. :-) Never trusted doctors much. After what I learned and experienced with the surgeon, I was more right than I realized. Geez.

I don't know if I will stop dating entirely again...maybe and maybe not...but I think more energy will go towards career, for sure.

Pippi,

The threads regarding your relationships as you have recounted here indeed have a similarity. Maybe if you review them, you will see a way forward.

Peace,

Your recovery is a process, Pippi. You've made some big revelations with that one. You probably haven't heard the last from Herr, either. I'm sure his ego is as big as the all outdoors!

Pay attention to red flags. In truth I do not know whether or not the surgeon is an addict or just a recreational user. More important is that he is abusive and he gave you plenty of red flags that night to find somewhere else to go. You mention he became increasingly aggressive and "in a rage" yet you went back to the hotel......mistake. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you can't make safe arrangements for yourself if need be for whatever reason. You should have gone to another hotel for the evening and left him to his own devices.

A common thread I see in your relationships is that these men buy you and you sound like you have "for sale" sign hanging around your neck. You seem to be very impressed by "things" as if that means someone feels more for you because they spend money on you. I don't know why you would have a conversation with this man after the fact to be offered another "purchase" in exchange for your company. How sad.

Your picker is broken. Go back and read all your threads. You excuse most of these mens behavior in one way or another often being sympathetic when its not deserved because they "need" you (i.e. the marrieds and this is a hallmark characteristic of codependency).

You would benefit greatly from the step program through Al Anon.

Money and breeding only makes addiction less obvious -- in the beginning.

I didn't go back to the hotel to sleep. I went with two police officers to get my stuff. Then they drove me to the train and I went home. I was smart.

I am definitely slow to react and far too sympathetic. It's ridiculous. But when I do decide to react - watch out. I am clear-headed and strong.

I am not asking to be bought and there is no sign. I told the surgeon from the start that if I am spending time with him, it was cause I liked him. He was lovely for a good while there. Thoughtful, engaging, sensitive...I really, really liked him. Lots of guys here have money. I liked...him.

Whatever he was on that weekend brought things to light though. Another Jekyll and Hyde. You can't blame everyone for getting involved with addicts. Maybe some of us are unconsciously drawn to them. But maybe there are also so many, and especially among the separated/divorced. And it takes a while to really know someone. I am not dumping all of this on myself. I think I did okay there. I was responsible and I kept myself safe. I am proud of how I reacted.

Maybe not the first time, but if someone gets involved repeatedly with addicts, it's really about them, not the addict.

Until you look at what draws you to these types of men, you will keep repeating the same patterns and find yourself in the same situations.

Did you file charges?

Different world here. Very different police system. You can't imagine. Also, I am not in the US, and the languages I speak don't work too well with this region... I should call the police and learn if they have recorded this incident. They said I could sue, otherwise there isn't anything else to do. If you knew what I went through to deal with these officers...

Maybe. But I dated a few guys before I met the surgeon, and I highly doubt they had addiction issues. And before my marriage, I didn't have a history of getting involved with addicts...

So, no, I don't think two makes a pattern.

And I think the world of divorced 40-year-old men isn't necessarily so appealing...

You people are tough. No wonder I don't hang out here that much any more.

You have a lot of excuses. I wonder what you're looking for here.

No, I don't think I did anything so terribly wrong. That is part of my point, actually. It isn't so easy to know who is and who is not an addict. As someone mentioned, maybe the surgeon is just a recreational user. You live your life, you have to be ready for things to happen. My previous knowledge and experience, some gained here, helped me know what to do when I was suddenly faced with an angry person who had been abusing substances. I am glad that I had that to draw from.

I also explained what the point of sharing my story was...I would like to help others learn from my experience. And to receive support from those who have support to share.

I don't see the point of anyone's quick assumptions and misreadings of a story. I clearly stated that I went to the hotel with the police. There are lots of stories here and we all get lazy or misread things. But not every story is the same. And we don't all have to live the same way to find ourselves in a good place.

You're right the people here are tough. Sometimes I would prefer to give myself the silent treatment and not listen to myself and come here for opinions or views, rather then to trust myself. I made a mess out of my life, but with SR, it's helping me turn it all around again.

If I wanted to be right all the time, I could talk to myself. If I wanted to have a better life, I can listen to good advice.

amy

I agree that this group is tough. I thought it was a support forum and I agree that it is a place to share and learn from each other's experiences, offer support and suggestions and just let people know that they are heard. Instead, I am finding that much of the responses lately are just criticisms - we don't come here to get crapped on.

Pippi, I agree that 2 is not a pattern and it is good to hear about how others have been fooled at first. I like to hear folks share what the early warning signs were that they dismissed or minimized at first - it is a good lesson for what to watch out for in the future. But the thing about people who are abusive, or have a personality disorder or addiction, is that they are great at hiding it at first and there is no point is being really hard on yourself for being fooled - tons of people are.

Would you share what your early warning signs were? I just separated from my STBXAH and need a good long break, but one day I hope to date again and I want to learn as much as I can before I do about what to keep my eyes open for.

When it is good advice, certainly.

Can you tell who is or is not a recreational drug user or addict? For most of us, it takes a while.