dandylion

Pippi.....I think you handled the situation well.

We live and we learn.......(at least you didn't assume that it was, somehow, "all your fault" and go back for more of the same). You acted to protect yourself and you are asking yourself the important questions---so as to learn as much as you can from this experience.

ACTUALLY, I am proud of you!!

dandylion

LexieCat

I second the idea that a good long break from dating and relationships might be a very good idea.

I get it--I used to bounce from one relationship to the next, but when I took a good hard look at it, it was because I was getting a lot of my self-esteem from my image of myself in a particular relationship. Which doesn't lead to great decision-making in terms of choosing the person I attach myself to.

I'm on indefinite dating hiatus--frankly, if I never get into another one I'd be just fine with that. I'm not suggesting that's right for YOU, but a break might be a good opportunity to do a little self-examination.

I'm glad you're out of this one--sounds like a dangerous and scary one.

PippiLngstockng

I hear some folks trying to dismiss or summarize my story, but I don't see it represented clearly or fairly. Assumptions and exaggerations keep mounting to the point of being almost ridiculous.

There are lots of newcomers here who are afraid to comment on this forum because they don't want to confront the negativity. I don't blame them!

Really, though, it is healing for me to come on here and ask the folks who don't get things right to look a little closer. I have been around long enough to know that I don't want to become equally closed off and cynical. I have met lots of nice people, had fun dates, learned and grown since my separation...For the first two years I didn't involve myself with men at all, really. Then I started testing the waters gradually. I am so glad that I did!!!

I am not afraid to take risks. I am like that. I keep growing and learning and living and having fun that way! What would be terrible to me would be living scared of my judgement, scared of other people...bah! What impresses me are people who grow strong from difficulties and who move on. All of you who say you don't trust yourselves, you aren't interested...well that is fine if that is how you want to live!

I generally do trust myself and I see that my decisions, looking at the health of my children, are generally sound, if not entirely conventional.

I hope others on here will not feel confined to live the rest of their lives considering themselves fragile and untrustworthy. I am strong, free, I feel good!

totallytrying

No one is misrepresenting you. The only reason you get "attacked" is because you come across as a pompous, self-centered, rude, vain human being. You've posted many, many times about your affairs with married men, and then being shocked that they don't work out. You've posted many times about how you're going to do what you want, no matter what with your life, how all these wonderful rich men are so drawn to you, and then you're shocked when it doesn't work out. The only thing consistent about your stories is that you constantly change the details when questioned. I don't know what any of this has to do with sober recovery or alcoholism, but there would definitely be a place for you on any narcissism message board.

9111111

Life is about the choices that we make. And so are the consequences - for you and your children.
We only live once, stay safe and sane.

miamifella

I think there has been some negativity toward you, which is terrible. But do not let the negativity move you to ignore those of us who are supportive.

Take a break! You say that you went two years without dating, but your divorce is very recent. And being on your own post-divorce is going to be different than when you were separated--read your posts and you will see how emotionally caught up you were with your husband.

Your posts over the last year show some really destructive attitudes toward men and relationships. Take time to grow. You have heard this many times, from many people. Do not let the negative comments push you to ignoring sensitive, supportive advice.

PippiLngstockng

That's silly. I wrote because I inadvertently had an interaction with someone who seemed pretty darned trustworthy, until he started drinking and maybe abusing substances...seemed relevant to me!

I had one affair with a married man and a few people here can't seem to get over it. That I think isn't so relevant here, but some folks insist on bringing it up.

Do I think I am so great? I think I am pretty normal...I think it is good for others, particularly women like myself who have lived under an abusive man's thumb for a long time...to know that others out there get strong and move on! Even if they make mistakes sometimes!

The surgeon couldn't do much to hurt me finally. Unlike xah, he doesn't share children/friends/community/a house/finances with me. Getting away from xah, on the other hand...was h*ll. But I am stronger.

I am extremely flawed. But I am so glad to have gotten free! I appreciate my life more than I ever did before, and don't intend to hide from it!

redatlanta

The people on this board, or rather those that you characterize as "cynical and closed off" aren't necessarily. They have done what has worked for them as we all do. Sharing ES & H no one is saying to you to never date again or take a "risk", but please respect those who have chosen not to, and don't characterize them so rudely as not living a life which is fulfilling. A person does not have to mirror your life choices to be happy, in fact, what is glaringly obvious is that you tie your self worth to your romantic interests in an unhealthy manner.

It would probably be very helpful to have a discussion about why because it is common. We never really get to dissect these issues in your posts - you are too busy passively aggressively attacking those who disagree with you, or point out the cracks in your tales. It becomes a train wreck and the thread is closed.

PippiLngstockng

I think there are loads of great ways to live a life. My sister, for instance, home schools and raises chickens. She doesn't leave her homestead much, nor does she want to. It works for her. Because she is happy, I am happy for her. Living like that at this point in my life would drive me crazzzyyy...but her way is just as valid as mine.

If you are happy living as you are, I am happy for you, too, RA.

My self worth isn't an enormous preoccupation for me. I follow what gives me joy after doing what is most important in my day (work, children, house...) That works for me.

Maybe some of my posts that people remember most have been about dating, but I have written mostly about my children, my ex...

Much of my life is peaceful and stable. And nice. I don't write about all the ways things have sorted themselves out. I haven't been here much because, in part, they have.

But certainly the bitterness and animosity, exaggeration and mischaracterization that has leaked out in response to a few of my posts by some people, sends me away, absolutely.

I think this forum could be a happier and more hopeful place. I get private messages from people thanking me for writing, from people who tell me they are afraid to speak up here. Including board members who have told me it is a big problem on SR, this negativity...

Refiner

I think redatlanta brings up some interesting posts and should probably be what we examine in this thread at this point. IMHO, it comes down to self-esteem. And when it's low, that person tends to need someone else to gain their own identity. I think one can only be truly happy in life when they learn to love themselves WITHOUT anyone else in the picture. Be comfortable in your own skin doing your own thing. It doesn't happen overnight, but when it's a goal, it's really something worthwhile to achieve.

Florence

^^^ This right here.

I think one of the reasons that Pippi's threads go haywire so quickly is that most of us post here because we want help understanding our lives, how we got here, and how to never go back to the kind of dysfunction that got us into addicted relationships. But Pippi, you say you post here to be an inspiration for the rest of us. Pippi, the common denominator is you -- the self-destructive high powered alcoholic ex, the self-destructive married men, the self-destructive rich and famous doctor. You say there just must be something about you that attracts really rich, dysfunctional men. I agree. You should probably take a break and figure out why that is, and what to do about it, instead of defending your choices to live with it on a support board that is about escaping the kind of dysfunction that you continue to cultivate.

I think if you want to get validation of your pattern of building romantic relationships with charismatic and self-destructive men to your own detriment, this is not your forum.

hopeful4

Pippi...it's so good to hear from you! I have been wondering how you are doing.

I am proud of you for calling the police. I agree that it's really hard to spot an addict. Glad you have gotten away from that mess!

Take care!!! I know some on here seem harsh, I hope it does not keep you from here as you do have friends here that care about you and your children.....I am one!!!

Take good care of you!!!

daydreamer0217

I wish you the best. Hope it all works out . I wanted to say that you are right to a certain extent, they can be a little judgemental here. I totally feel that way also, sometimes instead of listening people tend to judge a little too much. we should all be lifting each other up, not knocking each other down,

Thumper

I'm certainly glad you are safe Pippi and that you are not feeling any responsibility for any of his horrible behavior. That is a big thing!

Here is my take on that. You are looking for adventure and escape (which is what you've said). The men our age that are grounded and stable are a little lower on the adventure and escape scale. The men that are higher on the adventure and escape scale will be more prone to the personality type you are finding. That is true regardless of income - it is just that the wealthy men can afford adventure and escape in the form of weekend get-a-ways. It is attractive at first blush. It looks less desirable and attractive in a 'normal' income range. The character of the man is the same.

You posted a long list of bright red-flags but didn't react until he literally punched you. Your lack of reaction to the red-flags is a place to investigate as is your desire to engage/talk with the week after. I'm not trying to berate the way you handled the incident because you took decisive action to protect yourself, which is outstanding. Just some suggestions for your own growth from an outsiders perspective - and things that I hope people would point out to me.

You are free to take one

There is nothing wrong with adventure and escape but as with anything, sometimes it can get out of balance. You express both a desire for a break from conflict and a desire to continue on as is. When I struggle with two opposing needs there is usually something underneath of it - a reason for being so uncomfortable with the choice that supports what I really want/need.

The thing that is hard to get a handle on from posts alone is if you are ignoring the red flags with your eyes wide open in order to get the weekend get aways and ski clothes and nice dinners out etc. If so that is just a trade off and the conflict and drama is part of the trade - and as you discovered - there is some risk involved.

PippiLngstockng

Thank you, Thumper. This is actually helpful...and thank you to those offering support and kind words! It is nice to hear from you, too!!!

First and most importantly, I really liked this guy. A lot. For his way of talking deeply about things that matter, his problem solving, his energy and motivation, his charity work, his dedication to his family, his intuition and spontaneity, his adaptability, his voice...I could go on...

So I stayed in it because I liked him. I had dated others who had money and ski chalets and I had no interest in moving beyond coffee and friends.

I saw the relationship with the surgeon as going one of two ways. Either it wouldn't work out, because of the jealousy/touchy thing and maybe some worse stuff. In which case I told myself I would enjoy his company until my concerns became evident of real problems. Then I'd head for the hills...

Or, he would turn out to be the respectable gentleman that he characterized himself as being. Someone who had always wanted a big family and a wholesome relationship.

Either I would have escape and adventure, or that plus something beyond.

I was patient. Probably a bit too patient. I have a horror these days for conflict that I have to get over. Xah wore me out. If I had to do it again, I would react more firmly from the beginning.

But I was also slow to respond because he also was picking up on something that wasn't totally off the mark. When I met him I was not ready to completely commit myself to a solid relationship. I was meeting lots of athletes, and the atmosphere is always a bit narcissistic and physical, though very sober and respectful. He hated this. He sensed it more than knew it. But he's smart. So he wasn't reacting jealously for absolutely nothing. I guess I felt guilty.

So now I am determining to get more excited about building up my career, and keep my sports life adventurous to avoid looking for adventure/escape in my relationships.

And I don't think I am ready for a commited relationship, nor should I pretend to be. If a guy I like wants to go out, great. I will pay my half at a café. Or better, we'll go biking.

I just got free. I have hardly begun to enjoy my new life.

Refiner

Has Herr Surgeon started to contact you again yet? With his ego, he will try to "win" you at any cost, I'd imagine.

PippiLngstockng

No, Refiner...but check it out...

He has my skis, poles, boots, leather jacket...

In the flurry with the police and the hotel I didn't get all of my stuff. Plus I wasn't thinking, and all my ski stuff was in the warming room...He told the police he would bring everything to my house the next day. I told him, don't come to my apartment.

And so. We have a rendez-vous scheduled for tomorrow. I told him to meet me in the center of a town midway between our homes. I still have the ski skins he'd picked up for me.

So there's potential drama in store for me yet...Hopefully not. Either way I am rescheduling. My mum is coming for a visit tomorrow.

Refiner

Oh, YIKES. Please take a friend with you to hopefully deflate the drama. That's probably why he's laying low... because he knows there's an upcoming opportunity.

Thumper

That is a lot of learning and insight out of this relationship Pippi. Props for the self-reflection.

marie1960

Dating has changed quite a bit in the last 20 years. Add a European culture to this equation ........and can't even imagine.

Pippi, if you are just out to have fun, keep doing what you are doing. If you are looking for a sugar daddy, keep doing what you are doing, but if by chance you are entertaining a quality relationship in the future, think it's safe to say, you may have to adjust your sails.

Granted, it's been ten years since I have had minor children , but I always knew in dating , that there were some guys that were just fun to be with, they had zero desire or intention in getting seriously involved with someone who had minor children, and while they may be a great escort for the evening, we both knew nothing would ever come of it. So perhaps, as you are out there dating and playing the field, it may be good to remember , in some men's eyes you have what they consider "baggage" (kids) and guessing you are about the age I was back then (I was 43 when the youngest was 17) and in the dating world , 43 isn't old, but there is alot of younger women out there without the baggage, and don't think for one minute that men don't consider this when dating. The other thing I have noticed, men are in search of established women. Women with their own careers and their own money. Seems the day of a man being head of household and the main provider are slipping away.........

Just sharing, certainly no judgement attached.

Take care.