he left me but I want him back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
he left me but I want him back
Hi. I'm new here. I'm looking for some support and maybe a few answers. I was going through a divorce when I met up with my high school sweet heart. We started talking a lot and it was amazing. Then he stopped calling out of the blue. He had been calling every day about 10 times a day and then nothing for 2 weeks. Then I got a msg from him to call. I did. He told me he was going to jail for a DUI. He told me he had been distraught over his own divorce and was drinking and got in his car and drove home. He was arrested. I felt for him and was determined to be there for him. I went to visit him in MD (I live in CT) about 4 times before his inevitable jail sentence. I fell in love and he did too. Right before he was going to start his jail sentence, he told me he had to break it off. He couldn't get through jail if he had to worry about me and whether or not I would wait for him. I was devastated and went into a deep depression. I decided I would wait for him anyway. For two weeks I wrote him a letter every day. Then one day, he called. He continued to call. We talked on the phone 3-4 times a day for the next 18 months. When he got out we visited back and forth for a year and he finally moved in with me and we were so happy. Then he started drinking and hanging out with some people I wasnt comfortable around. I was very niave and didn't realize he had a problem with alcohol, but slowly things came out. He became mean and distant. It was off and on at first but became more often as time went on. After three years of living together he started going out more and more and when he was home he stayed in bed til it was time to go out again. He would come home drunk and pick fights with me. He would blame me for the fights and say unthinkably mean things to me. I found out he was also abusing oxycodone. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and he left me. He said he was moving out because his disease was hurting me. He said he had to get better and so did I. He knew I wouldn't be able to get better with him there. A mutual friend of ours said it may have been one of the most courageous things he had ever done and may have saved my life. Its been 6 months since he left and about 4months since we have spoken. The last time we talked I became so upset that I became suicidal, so he hasnt called or had any communication with me for my own sake. We broke up with the hopes we could both get better and heal all the pain and damage. I'm not doing well and although he isn't drinking a lot, he is still drinking. I miss him and want him to come back. Even after the way he treated me and all the pain he caused me. He keeps in touch through a mutual friend. He asks how I am and if I'm ok. He says he misses me. I know I'm not healthy enough to be with him or even talk to him. I want him back. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I want him back in my life so badly? We were very much in love at one time. I want that back. How do I get my life back? Where did I go wrong? Any help or advice or even support would be so appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi grifmat, and welcome to SR. I just want to give you a ((((hug)))) right now. Is that OK? You have been through a lot, and I just really want to welcome you here to our family.
I hope you look around the site, check out some of the stickies, those are the locked post above this section. Just know that we understand here.
amy
I hope you look around the site, check out some of the stickies, those are the locked post above this section. Just know that we understand here.
amy
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Hey, there grifmat! Welcome to SR. There's a lot going on there, but nothing unfamiliar in the least to many of us. It is very hard right now, but he was/is sick and it was best that he leave. It doesn't feel like it I know.
This is a time for you to take care of YOURSELF. Are you in therapy? Have you checked out alanon? Or maybe SMART recovery. They can become addicted to booze and drugs. We can become addicted to them. You had a life before him. You can have one after. Read as much as you can here. Post, ask questions, that's what we're here for.
Please understand that a person in active addiction can't have relationships. His first and only love is for his DOC. You are trying to capture something that was mostly in your mind. You've blocked out the horrible parts and filled them in with what your fantasy relationship is. Here is real love. Let him go. Let him stand or fall on his own. If he hasn't contacted you, it's because he doesn't want to for whatever reason. Work on you. He may never come back, but either way, you have to be healthy enough to stand on your own and someday have a healthy relationship with another. ((((Hugs)))
This is a time for you to take care of YOURSELF. Are you in therapy? Have you checked out alanon? Or maybe SMART recovery. They can become addicted to booze and drugs. We can become addicted to them. You had a life before him. You can have one after. Read as much as you can here. Post, ask questions, that's what we're here for.
Please understand that a person in active addiction can't have relationships. His first and only love is for his DOC. You are trying to capture something that was mostly in your mind. You've blocked out the horrible parts and filled them in with what your fantasy relationship is. Here is real love. Let him go. Let him stand or fall on his own. If he hasn't contacted you, it's because he doesn't want to for whatever reason. Work on you. He may never come back, but either way, you have to be healthy enough to stand on your own and someday have a healthy relationship with another. ((((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by grifmat 
Hi. I'm new here. I'm looking for some support and maybe a few answers. I was going through a divorce when I met up with my high school sweet heart. We started talking a lot and it was amazing. Then he stopped calling out of the blue. He had been calling every day about 10 times a day and then nothing for 2 weeks. Then I got a msg from him to call. I did. He told me he was going to jail for a DUI. He told me he had been distraught over his own divorce and was drinking and got in his car and drove home. He was arrested. I felt for him and was determined to be there for him. I went to visit him in MD (I live in CT) about 4 times before his inevitable jail sentence. I fell in love and he did too. Right before he was going to start his jail sentence, he told me he had to break it off. He couldn't get through jail if he had to worry about me and whether or not I would wait for him. I was devastated and went into a deep depression. I decided I would wait for him anyway. For two weeks I wrote him a letter every day. Then one day, he called. He continued to call. We talked on the phone 3-4 times a day for the next 18 months. When he got out we visited back and forth for a year and he finally moved in with me and we were so happy. Then he started drinking and hanging out with some people I wasnt comfortable around. I was very niave and didn't realize he had a problem with alcohol, but slowly things came out. He became mean and distant. It was off and on at first but became more often as time went on. After three years of living together he started going out more and more and when he was home he stayed in bed til it was time to go out again. He would come home drunk and pick fights with me. He would blame me for the fights and say unthinkably mean things to me. I found out he was also abusing oxycodone. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and he left me. He said he was moving out because his disease was hurting me. He said he had to get better and so did I. He knew I wouldn't be able to get better with him there. A mutual friend of ours said it may have been one of the most courageous things he had ever done and may have saved my life. Its been 6 months since he left and about 4months since we have spoken. The last time we talked I became so upset that I became suicidal, so he hasnt called or had any communication with me for my own sake. We broke up with the hopes we could both get better and heal all the pain and damage. I'm not doing well and although he isn't drinking a lot, he is still drinking. I miss him and want him to come back. Even after the way he treated me and all the pain he caused me. He keeps in touch through a mutual friend. He asks how I am and if I'm ok. He says he misses me. I know I'm not healthy enough to be with him or even talk to him. I want him back. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I want him back in my life so badly? We were very much in love at one time. I want that back. How do I get my life back? Where did I go wrong? Any help or advice or even support would be so appreciated. Thanks.
Welcome and so sorry for your pain.
It sounds like you could really do with some support.
I would try Al Anon meetings, and maybe get a therapist.
Also a GREAT book is Melanie Beattie's 'Co-Dependent No More'.
This is what helped me to ease the pain.
That and realising YOU ARE worth it, no matter what has happened with this guy. I forget that a lot. I have to keep reminding myself that I deserve happiness and what has happened with my husband is not reflection on my self worth.
Sending you hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hello and welcome! Sorry for what brings you here but you are in a good place.
I can suggest to educate yourself about this disease. There are lots of stickies at the top of the board.
I can also suggest Alanon and/or the book Codependent No More.
Keep posting and keep coming back.
I can suggest to educate yourself about this disease. There are lots of stickies at the top of the board.
I can also suggest Alanon and/or the book Codependent No More.
Keep posting and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi, sorry for your current struggles.
Just know that this too shall pass.
I also found the book "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood super helpful.
And "codependent no more".
You will find so much support here,
I don't know where I would be without this place!
Just know that this too shall pass.
I also found the book "women who love too much" by Robin Norwood super helpful.
And "codependent no more".
You will find so much support here,
I don't know where I would be without this place!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
Hey everyone. Thank you for all your kind words. I am in therapy right now. It is helping. Its hard knowing he still lives and misses me. I also have two young boys. He was good to them and they were mostly sheltered from his issues but they witnessed his decline and couldn't understand why he changed. We are definitely a happier home since he has been gone but his presence is greatly missed. He was so wonderful
to all of us before the alcohol and drugs and the "friends" he made took over and crept into our lives. I hated him so much when he was like that. I wanted him to just go...but I just prayed who he was would just come back. I wanted him to stay...just in case he realized what he was doing.
Ikniw I sound like the classic case. I was a married stay at home mom and my husband ignored us... That's why we separated... That's when John walked in. Anyway, I am in therapy. I an really glad I found this place. Thank you for your advice and hugs!
to all of us before the alcohol and drugs and the "friends" he made took over and crept into our lives. I hated him so much when he was like that. I wanted him to just go...but I just prayed who he was would just come back. I wanted him to stay...just in case he realized what he was doing.
Ikniw I sound like the classic case. I was a married stay at home mom and my husband ignored us... That's why we separated... That's when John walked in. Anyway, I am in therapy. I an really glad I found this place. Thank you for your advice and hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
Hey everyone. Thank you for all your kind words. I am in therapy right now. It is helping. Its hard knowing he still lives and misses me. I also have two young boys. He was good to them and they were mostly sheltered from his issues but they witnessed his decline and couldn't understand why he changed. We are definitely a happier home since he has been gone but his presence is greatly missed. He was so wonderful
to all of us before the alcohol and drugs and the "friends" he made took over and crept into our lives. I hated him so much when he was like that. I wanted him to just go...but I just prayed who he was would just come back. I wanted him to stay...just in case he realized what he was doing.
Ikniw I sound like the classic case. I was a married stay at home mom and my husband ignored us... That's why we separated... That's when John walked in. Anyway, I am in therapy. I an really glad I found this place. Thank you for your advice and hugs!
to all of us before the alcohol and drugs and the "friends" he made took over and crept into our lives. I hated him so much when he was like that. I wanted him to just go...but I just prayed who he was would just come back. I wanted him to stay...just in case he realized what he was doing.
Ikniw I sound like the classic case. I was a married stay at home mom and my husband ignored us... That's why we separated... That's when John walked in. Anyway, I am in therapy. I an really glad I found this place. Thank you for your advice and hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
That's been the big topic at many of my sessions... Lol. There is more to my story. I have dealt with dissociative identity disorder most of my life, better known as multiple personality disorder. I always knew there was "something" but it really manifested itself when my boyfriends alcoholism got worse. The fights brought out a scared little girl who had trouble fighting back and his distance brought out a young woman who would lie and manipulate him into paying attention to me. When he found out he left me because he felt it was an unhealthy environment for him, and because he knew he made things worse for me. I have, through therapy discovered I was abused as a child repeatedly over many years by two different family members...unbeknownst to my parents, who I have to mention, were and have been wonderful. It came out that I have a total of three alters and sometimes they contact my boyfriend without me knowing. My situation in many ways is like a lot of the members here, but very different in other ways. I'm in very intensive therapy right now. I miss him and wish he could be here to help me through all this. l still feel the need to lean on him, even though I know he isn't capable. It feels good to share my situation here, in a safe place where I'm not judged. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Welcome Grifmat.
We are so glad you are here.
I am sorry for your upset. Not much to add that hasn't already been said.
Keep reading, keep posting and as we say in Al Anon 'Keep coming back'.
It is so good to know we are not alone.
All the best to you. Phiz
We are so glad you are here.
I am sorry for your upset. Not much to add that hasn't already been said.
Keep reading, keep posting and as we say in Al Anon 'Keep coming back'.
It is so good to know we are not alone.
All the best to you. Phiz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, grifmat, and I'm glad you found us. I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of support here, and I hope it works the same way for you. As others have already said, a good way to start is simply by reading around the forum as much as you can. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; they're full of concentrated wisdom. There are 2 threads there I'd like to direct you to right away:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
You'll hear it said here that there is no point in "going to the hardware store for bread." That's a way of saying that when we go to our A looking for love, concern, responsibility, honesty and so on, we're not going to get it--not b/c they don't want to give it but b/c they simply don't have it to give. Their addiction is their priority, and there is no room for anything else.
You may also hear folks talking about how often those of us w/an A in our lives go to the A, expecting them to somehow heal us of the hurts they've caused. It's common--I've certainly been there and sometimes still go there. But you know what most people seem to have learned? The only one who can heal us is OURSELVES. Regardless of where my wound or pain came from, no one can heal that but me.
That can kind of seem unfair. That can seem like a responsibility you don't want to and shouldn't have to shoulder. But it can also seem like the key to your freedom--hey, if I don't have to wait for someone else to heal me so I can move on in my life, that means I have the power to begin healing and to start moving on ANY TIME I DECIDE TO START!! And that is mighty empowering...
Wishing you strength and clarity, grifmat. Keep coming back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
You'll hear it said here that there is no point in "going to the hardware store for bread." That's a way of saying that when we go to our A looking for love, concern, responsibility, honesty and so on, we're not going to get it--not b/c they don't want to give it but b/c they simply don't have it to give. Their addiction is their priority, and there is no room for anything else.
You may also hear folks talking about how often those of us w/an A in our lives go to the A, expecting them to somehow heal us of the hurts they've caused. It's common--I've certainly been there and sometimes still go there. But you know what most people seem to have learned? The only one who can heal us is OURSELVES. Regardless of where my wound or pain came from, no one can heal that but me.
That can kind of seem unfair. That can seem like a responsibility you don't want to and shouldn't have to shoulder. But it can also seem like the key to your freedom--hey, if I don't have to wait for someone else to heal me so I can move on in my life, that means I have the power to begin healing and to start moving on ANY TIME I DECIDE TO START!! And that is mighty empowering...
Wishing you strength and clarity, grifmat. Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much. This site has already helped so much. The comment about healing myself and having that power is very powerful. I think it maybe giving me an aha moment along with the going to the hardware store for bread. Makes soooo much sense! Thank you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
