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This has been swirling around in my mind the past week or so and I decided to post it here because maybe it will help somebody. And besides, I'm a writer at heart so maybe in someway it will help me too, to get it out of my head.

SR is not somewhere that I have to explain how I fell for an alcoholic despite the red flags that were flat out shown to me. I also know this is not that place that I have to explain how I completely lost my own self in a year, a mere 365 days. Yes, my family was worried, friends were concerned, even people I didn't know all that well noticed a difference by the time the holidays rolled around. But I think, the most important person to notice...was me! It was one of those experiences were I didn't recognize the person in the mirror or the life that I was living. I was afraid I would never not feel like that. I was afraid I would never feel like myself again. I guess that what's depression does, it just sucks the life right out of you. I will say that not all of this is related to the main RA in my life. It also had a lot to do with my life in general. You know what they say: everything happens at once or not at all.

I found out quick that certain things didn't work for me. Changing my whole life in one foul swoop did nothing but freak me out, even though I was given good advice, especially here (now that I look back at it). But then again, that's why recovery really is a journey. You have to go your own way.

It started for me by decided to leave my excellent paying, full time job. Pay was great but I was working a job I didn't like, at a place I didn't like and hours that were hard (night shift will do that to you). So I decided to go and find another job, which was no easy task. I guess I include this part to the story (not that any of you really care about my job!) but it really was hard on me because people had all sorts of opinions about it; especially when I took a job that was a little farther away and paid a little less! But it was something I knew was RIGHT for me. And months later, although the job is not perfect, I am happy with my decision.

I'm not going to lie, there were a few times I posted (or maybe more than a few) where I was overly optimistic about things being good or working out with the RA or whatever. I was wishing it, hoping it, praying it and dreaming it! But that was all a lie. You can't will something to happen - good or bad.

But I am somebody who doesn't let go of friends, family, relationships, pets, whatever easily. So I decided to try one.more.time. But this time, I decided I had to be vulnerable. I had to stop walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat. And it actually turned out okay. I could see a change in the RA in my life that I hadn't seen before, and that's why I think it went differently this time around. It wasn't like all the past times we had "made up." I know there's a lot of you thinking "Yes! Yes! This is what I WANT! This will make me happy, finally!" But no. Actually, it didn't make me happy. Do you know what happened? I realized I had put up a huge wall. I was so quick to jump to conclusions, to assume the worst, to not trust. Those "what if" and "should haves" will get you every.dang.time.

I tried (and still try) to not be too hard on myself about this because I think any other person would have the same fear. But then again, I also felt bad because change is what is supposed to happen. When someone actually works the program and finds God (or ya know, whatever they have) this is what's supposed to happen right...so why was I having such a hard time trusting?

And on that note: I did two things. For one, I told the RA in my life about it. Again, that's terrifying. But the person was actually very understanding and encouraged Al anon. Two, I was one step ahead and had already been seeking out Al anon for myself..again. After all, it's something inside me that no one else can fix regardless of much they change or how much they do love me.

I didn't have great experiences with Al anon at first. It can be a hard thing to do, to get yourself there and to get yourself to the right meeting for you. But once you find it, it will change you or at least help you to change yourself.

I know this is getting long so I'll just make this last part short. I had to stop making to-do lists. Literally. I had to stop with the calendars, and planners, and lists, and post its, and alarms, and reminders.Yep, I've always been that person. And after being depressed, once I got my energy back I felt like I had to make up for all the months I wasted literally just laying in my bed. But all of that just ran me down and I came to realize something else. I also don't like "resting" because that means I have to deal with feelings. Because the truth is...some days I don't like my job. Some days I don't want to pray or read what I'm supposed to. Some days I struggle to stick to the healthy boundaries. Some days my anxiety gets the best of me. Some days I am irrational and emotional .

But the thing I wanted to stress is that those are just some days. They are no longer every day. Every day is not dark or a struggle or so intense. My life is not perfect. Although I'm content with how things have been going I know it won't always be this way. I will struggle again, I will have troubles and heart break and ache and you name it; it will happen again but that's why it's called ONE DAY AT A TIME. I used to think the slogans were silly. They aren't.

So maybe your somebody reading this who is thinking my life will never get better, it will always be this miserable battle. Maybe your somebody who doesn't understand why it is YOU have to recover too. Or maybe you got nothing out of this. But maybe...just maybe you did. I feel like my "real life" friends don't get it. They don't get the whole process so I was ready to share my thoughts with people who get what I'm talking about! Thanks for reading.

daydreamer0217

I <3 this so much. thank you

Duckygirl1

Got a WHOLE lot out of this! Thank you so much!!