JKSGRL

I mean yeah I always said he was a narcissist but never really educated myself on what exactly it was.



I mean, that fits him to a tee!!!!!!!! The crazy thing is though I have seen this man care deeply, almost too deeply, he is very sensitive and loving BUT still had characteristics of a narcissist. When he is using, yep he is full blown and reading this link, man oh man. I hate to say it's hopeless but proof is in the pudding. Guess I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that this is something people really deal with. As a more or so "normal" person (yes I have my issues I realize that but nothing that can't be worked out and dealt with) it's still very difficult for me to understand that, that's it, it's who they are and unless they really, really want it, it's not likely to ever change.

If I could remember that and really accept that it should be a no brainier concerning moving on. But for whatever reason from time to time I dismiss all the bad, focus on the good and think, we'll he's different and it could work out. I need to learn to let that go and/or figure out why I insist on fighting against the obvious. I know I am still holding on to what it could be and what I wanted, not the reality of what it is and what it will never be.

JKSGRL

Thanks SparkleKitty, I try very hard to keep that in the forefront of my mind. That's why coming here is so valuable right now, when I have the urge to say "yeah BUT"....I come here and get right again, lol.

Refiner

Oh, don't be fooled. NPD's are VERY good at being loving and caring deeply (almost TOO deeply... hmmmmm) when there's something to be gained by them. It is NOT unconditional. You are his "supply". You are an unknowing victim of his. I have a sister who is NPD first, an A second. You put that evil combo together and what you have is a fiery sh!tstorm from the pit of hell to contend with... with her, at least. I finally went NO contact.

JKSGRL

Thanks CarmenLove, that's how I feel too. I feel sometimes they pressure me back into the relationship because they can't handle him on their own. His best friend even said "you seem to calm him down". And yeah I always felt like there hope would be that I would move there, let him move in and then I'm stuck with him!

They have to put up with a lot more BS than I do and I can understand when they get to a certain point as much as they love him and want to help, they are also dying to pawn it off onto someone else!

But I can't quite figure out how his parents bailed him out of jail, all they were witnessing and going through, they could have had some peace. When I found that out I felt as if they are addicted to him and don't know how to live without the chaos! Guess I understand that....well I used to understand that but as difficult as it is to let go of someone you love, I'm learning it's a lot easier than being too involved with an addict in such an unstable condition.

I'm really looking forward to a few days away without having to worry about his craziness. I'm sincerely excited and looking forward to enjoying my life! I'm not trying to downplay his struggle, but he does chose this and I can't stop living MY life anymore.

JKSGRL

That's hard to swallow but it's what I need to hear. I am not sure why I keep insisting that he loves like I love him, that he thinks and feels like I do but I would never even think to manipulate someone that I care for. It's scary to think what NPD A's are capable of.

JKSGRL

I am trying to back off from them, I don't respond to every text and I try to respond in a polite but direct way. I can tell because I am not feeding into as much as I used to that they are SLOWLY backing off as well. In time I'm hoping it goes away and I'm preparing for the fact that they will likely not contact me until it's his inevitable passing.

Ick, I hate that thought but honestly I feel as if the man I knew and loved no longer exists any way. I'm already grieving that loss.

AnvilheadII

I'm preparing for the fact that they will likely not contact me until it's his inevitable passing.


try to stay out of thinking how other people MIGHT act and what they MIGHT do. it is not about if THEY contact you, but what YOU do with the contact.

I feel as if the man I knew and loved no longer exists any way
and it's also possible he never DID exist, except to you. even in real-life situtaions where we are with the other person every day, we really only know them as we WANT and CHOOSE to - add in a long distance relationship and all that space and distance allows for a lot more fantasizing and rationalizing to fill up that space.

add in the progression of addiction and people literally DO change before our eyes. that's why i always cringe when i read on SR how somebody is so convinced that they KNOW the other person so well, know WHAT they think, WHAT they will do, WHAT they feel....when most of the time we can't even say that for ourselves.

continue to release him....it will be ok.

Liveitwell

^^ ha! That reminds me of hundreds of things my ex MIL would say (and still does so I hear)...makes me kind of feel bad for my ex, in a wY he never had a real shot at life with her as his enabler and "best friend".. That sadness is erased as the truth about him is reality and his reality is he doesn't desire to change or be honest. I did and do. Poof-be gone toxic enabling family. It sounds like you know what you need to do-you can do it!

JKSGRL

And now the threats of killing himself have begun....in the past that would have made me cave and respond, but the advice and insight I have received from this forum have helped me to stay strong. I have to remind myself that he is and has been killing himself, slowly but surely and he has not only admitted that but has everyone believing he is actually looking forward to it because he is convinced he is destined for a much better afterlife. When I recall this, I think, ok so what difference would it make if I contacted him now? Surely he already has his mind up one way or another and that's not very fair to imply because I won't respond to him that he will off himself!

So let me get this straight, either I am supposed to put up with the mental, verbal and emotional abuse or the guilt of killing yourself. Thanks for giving me such great options! It's only now I am beginning to believe he doesn't understand what it really means to love another person.

His best friend continues to plead with me to stay involved in the A's life until he goes to jail. He told me yesterday, "I know you don't want that guilt if he drinks himself to death or finds another way to kill himself". It did not make me want to reach out to A, but it made me question, is that ok?

It's really hard to know what the right thing to do is in that kind of situation. I feel so much better distancing myself from communication with him but of course I don't want him to kill himself and think people assume it's because I shut him out. I am ready to block the family and his best friend because of this. I emailed his best friend a bunch of material concerning alcoholism so he could better understand what the A was dealing with and what we enablers can do, he said he read it and took it into consideration but obviously he isn't going to really get it or want to get it. It’s apparent to me now that the best friend uses the A for his own benefit. He takes the A out to bars and parties, drinks with him and wonders why the A gets so out of control. I told him the best thing he could do right now is take a break and focus on his own life. Let the A sit at home with his parents where they at least have an eye on him and he isn’t out causing destruction. I told him as much as he feels he is helping but getting him out of the house, as much as he feels he needs the A to be a part of his life, as much as he’ll miss him when he goes to jail, that should not be reason to hang out with him right now. He needs to let it alone for now and not participate in that kind of behavior with him. He did not respond….ok but I am the one to blame if A dies???? I know no one is to blame but A but his best friend can’t see that what I am doing is actually trying to stop enabling him!

A left a voicemail this morning and it was “I am in so much pain from this, I need you, please talk to me” and I had no desire to reach out because all I kept thinking was what about all the pain you have been putting me through, where we’re you when I needed you, how about an apology instead of talking about what YOU need?! How about you start there! But I know by now, every time I would mention how I was feeling and how he hurt me he would just chastise me and say his problems we’re bigger than mine. I’m not denying that he is in pain and goes through a lot more than I do, but that’s not even the point anymore, I just can’t allow myself to be a doormat anymore no matter what the circumstances.

It’s just crazy that I still feel the need to justify that and I question if I am just being selfish now.

Refiner

Oh GEEZE what manipulative BS they're all full of! It's really time to disconnect and I think you know that. You need to block the "friend" and the enabling family. Good Lord.

JKSGRL

Thanks Refiner! So you think it's just am empty threat?

Refiner

It doesn't matter if it's empty or not. He's hellbent on destroying himself and wants to take you down with him. You can choose not to be a part in it.

SparkleKitty

The only person who can save him is him.

The only person who can save you from all of this, is you.

CarmenLove

My two cents. He probably does love you, in his own way, however when in active addiction there really doesn't seem to be much (any) love to give.

CarmenLove

Also with active addiction the lies, manipulation etc take over...

I think the only real question is -

'Is this healthy for you?'

JKSGRL

Thanks CarmenLove, I do believe he loved/loves me in his own way but the true love of his life is the bottle and I am not ok with being second banana to a substance anymore. I know I am supposed to try to understand his alcoholism but doesn't mean I have to allow it in my life anymore. I am starting to get really pissed off, I'm coming out of the whoa as me heartbreak now. I made a list of things that he has done in the past that hurt me and that he used his alcoholism as a valid excuse to forgive him and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I am sorry for anyone that has alcoholism or deals with alcoholism but I'm sick to death of the maddening cycle. Obviously I am the only one that can break this and I have to keep doing it no matter what his family and best friend believe. No matter how much I want to scream in their faces and punch his. LOL, sorry to vent like that, but when after listing all the things I put myself through, it makes me very angry, more at myself than anyone, but I still want to say, OK so you have a disease, f-ing deal with it than! i tried....

JKSGRL

No obviously not, not sure why it took me so long to realize that CarmenLove. Well I know why, I know that I lacked self-love and the more I have dug in and worked on that, the less I tolerated the behavior and now I'm ready to move on and stop feeling sorry for him, for his family, for his best friend, for myself.

biminiblue

This is where I would double down on making sure no one can contact me or find me to report on his crazy. Every time his friend reports back to him that he's talked to you it increases the guy's anger and desperation.

He could very easily do serious harm to you. He's going to jail, he's a delusional addict and he wants to see you.

He feels like he has nothing to lose.

Do not engage. Especially now.

atalose

Did I miss something? I don’t see a specific threat by the A in your life. I only read - here say and assumptions by a third party, the same party who’s taking him partying.

You have the ability to stop all of this madness at any time.

JKSGRL

atalose the A directly contacted me, telling me that because I won't respond to him or talk to him that he is going to kill himself.

This was through text message. I still have not responded.